Donna - I was so intrigued by your description of yourself(it may have been the studded leather gloves) that I clicked on your posts and just happened to immediately open you Zena Warrior Princess thread. I just have to say, you are totally awesome girl!! First kudos for being able to sew something like that but I love that you did and you look so marvelous in it. I see your RATE component coming out. Divine hair cut, again classic but edgy. I don't think you could be invisible if you tried. There is nothing wrong with being unique, powerful, and just a little bit bada**. You go girl!
Marin - those are a great group of descriptors!! I look forward to seeing how that comes through in your outfits. I agree that defining anyone by a single elements, like a job, is simplistic. Our chosen work is but a single facet of who we are. It's like taking a quote out of context...so easy to twist and morph in a way that was never intended. It is simply one more clue or facet into the complex people we are. But it's easy to get a handle on and easy ask about. Certainly much easier to answer than the true questions of "who are you?" "What does your life stand for?" "What defines you as a person?" Not exactly light cocktail party banter or something you'd even want to discuss with people you did not know well or like. FWIW, that's my take on that annoying question.
Adelfa - okay now I am totally intrigued. I will have to find time to trace these threads you talk about. Interesting that, if I understand you properly, where most of the fabbers are trying to toughen up their image, you need to soften yours and make your impression more accessable. I think that's a great place to be. Sometimes it's easier to tone things down rather than ramp things up. My son is extremely confident (okay he's only 12) but I am certain life will temper his overconfidence but if he was unsure and fearful I would be much more concerned about him navigating life. I look forward to seeing your posts!
Cocolion - that's so interesting the way you see yourself - as a fealess fashion follower without a uniform because I personally think you have one of the most interesting, personal but consistent styles on the forum. Not that you don't use all different pieces and styles to achieve it but deconstructed structure, skimming drape, eclectic, edgy, ineresting proportions, organic, textural, soft. I don't know if I have enough language to adquqtely describe it but your look is distinctly you. I think you take all those trends and truly make them your own. PS I for one vote you continue to do just that, you look marvelous. I think what I'm trying to say, but very ill, is that you have a very distinct and wonderful very personal style. Okay, that's my onlookers opinion!!
Deborah - I think your clothes deliver your message marvelously. First I just love you in black and ink blue. They set off your coloring gloriously. You do wear your clothes with great assurance - they have a distinct and unapologetic point of view. Your outfits are studies in juxtapostion that I think hint at your underlying complexity: the sharpness of the color always offset by the softness of the drape, volume over sleek, intricate fold juxtposed against perfectly fitted and smooth. Truly you contain multitudes and your clothing supports the idea of a person who is comfortable creating harmony from contrasting views and elements. For me as viewer, the impression is one of confidence, decisiveness but soft and approachable. It reads as someone who knows their own mind but is open to various view points and and welcomes and is comfortable with diverse opinions making you appear nonjudgemental...probably a good friends to a diverse group of people. I don't know if that feels right to you, but the way you dress and groom just makes you look like someone any would want to be besties with!!
EveningMood - I totally agree, although I dress for myself, it would be simplistic to think we do not all have an audience. I want my husband to think I'm attrative too and I have donated the rare item that I liked because he really didn't like it. What piece of clothing is worth that? Also I want my son to think he has a hip mom. Since I'm an older mom, it's even more important to me that he think I'm in touch (although what 12 yo thinks that!) but I don't want to read as old, unhip and uncool. Wow, I am so sorry for your experience on the train. That sounds incredibly scary and upsetting. As others have said I do use dress as armor. I'm sure that is part of the appeal of black - formal, dark, austere, authoritative, formidable. I don't have any issues with this connotation. I am small and not strong. I don't think I could physically protect myself so I am "prey." In a world of cats and mice, I am a mouse. All I can say is I try to be a smart mouse, a careful mouse, a mouse in black who would never make eye contact with people like that and would move to another car and latch onto the nearest conductor. Be safe EM and careful. Perhaps if you want to refine your look you could do some posts to see how your style reads. There must be a happy medium which is attractive but inviting less unwanted attention. Big hugs to you and just glad you are okay!!
Karie - Question? Don't you think the fact that your HS student complimented your shoes is proof that your sartorial message was getting across? To be an effective role model, the kids have to be able to relate to you; to so see you and your role as something they could be. That student was able to see in your style something they liked, perhaps even something they wanted. That makes you not just a teacher or figure of authority but, for lack of a better term, a "goal model." Without an effective basis for rapport could you do this as effectively? I really love your statement, "Most of all, for work I want to convey "I know where I'm headed" and with my students - "I know how to get you where you need to be," and above all else, for work or not, "Let's have fun getting there!" With that attitude, I am sure you are an extraordinary teacher!! There could be no finer more worthwile career. Just awesome and you know how much I admire you outfit posts. I am sure your students are just as inspired by you as I am!!

OMG. This is one of my favorite post. It's really thought provoking. I read all 90 responses in last 2 days and was just surprised that all you fab ladies dress with some message that you want to pass on. I am intrigued.

Honestly since I started my YLF journey now almost 1.5 yrs ago my goal was to put thought into outfit. Get out of jeans and tshirt/cute top rut, learn to dress my body type. I wanted to feel satisfied, attractive and happy with the way I dressed and presented myself. I think I have kind of found my medium where I am ok 80/90% of times. Not bad if you ask me.

But the million dollars question is what is the message people are getting. How is it being perceived subtly. I am going to have detailed conversation with my husband @ what he thinks since he can give pretty objective answer.

On my own soul searching for last 2 days i came to this conclusion. I wanted to present myself as responsible, intelligent, dependable physician who also enjoys style, fashion and not afraid of her femininity.
(Btw I love pencil skirt, tailored and fluid fit. I hardly wear oversized anything or sweat shirts/pants in public.)

I hope I am passing the message correctly and not being perceived as fashion victim or bimbo.

Oh Stuti - those last adjectives (the v word the the b word) we need to wipe them right out of your mind. I am sure there is absolutely no way they could apply to you!! I did find this post helpful to write and even more helpful to read. I am gong to try and make a conscious effort to evaluate every new purchase in light of, does this further the aspects I want to present about myself. Cocolion posted these awesome overalls which had me very tempted. But when I thought about the purchase in light of is this how I want to be seen, that really gave me pause. It made me reevaluate - I was no longer in the frenzy of those look so cute and comfortable, I began to think about this in terms of is this my personal style and is this how I want to look. That really changed the context. . I think this is going to be a powerful tool for me. But I honestly believe the most important thing questionis, is this the way you want to present yourself? does it represent you? that's what's really important.

I've had a particularly busy week, so I'm late getting to this thread. It's been fascinating.

I've been planning my spring/summer wardrobe with my presentation to the world in mind. I've noticed recently that, at work at least, people seem to respond best to me when I'm dressed in classic ensembles. What does this mean? I'm not sure, but I suspect that people respond best to what they understand and expect.

My response to this observation has not been to adjust my closet to fit expectations, but I have kept in mind a quote I hear years ago: "Sophistication is the ability to fit seamlessly into any container (environment) into which you are poured." The idea being that sophisticated people have the ability to adapt themselves to different environments without sacrificing their unique essence. I have chosen to think of this as graciousness, rather than sophistication, since the latter term holds some connotations of superiority.

Graciousness anchors my new style acronym, SING: simple, imaginative, nuanced, and grace-ful." It stands along a helpful rubric: form (structure) with flow, energy with ease. I want my dress to be vibrant and fab, but not in a way that sucks all the attention toward myself. Rather, I'd like people to leave my presence encouraged to express themselves more freely -- and not just in fashion. I want them to feel better about themselves, not just think I look fashionable.

Great question, this has been such an interesting read. Particularly timely topic for me since I just recently started looming at fashion as something I could enjoy for myself, and not just appreciate on other people. For years I have bought clothing that I love, only to let it sit in my closet because looking stylish is something for "other" people, more attractive people. (This is what I told myself). But while I used to be a person with almost no self confidence, that's not who I am now. I realized about a month ago that the way I was dressing conveyed the image that I was a person who didn't value herself, didn't make time for herself, and wanted to be ignored. I hope that I'm moving towards projecting that I am a confident, fun, approachable person. After so many years of hiding under oversized hoodies, I can still find it difficult to wear anything other than extremely modest or conservative clothing, so I am consciously trying to move away from being seen as frumpy and boring.

I first saw your thread a few days ago, griffin but did not have the time to reply. Thank you for starting this. I just sat with a glass of wine and read all of the thread and what intelligent, thought provoking individuals we have here. Thank you all!!. My own style has changed so many times in my life and not all consciously. Most times I did not know what I was conveying until I was in my next phase. And to be honest, I think I am doing it to this day. The message I am sending today with my clothing I will not understand until two years from now. But I am OK with that. The day to day pits and pieces of what is received by my dress will not be a whole until then. I may want to convey a certain feeling but like somebody stated earlier, we cannot control how others receive us. But, throughout my life, my goal was always to feel good in what I wore.

Thank you gryffin, you are really kind! I wasn't really physically threatened, and I gave them what they deserved, at least verbally, but I was harassed in public and that was annoying, especially because I thought I was past attracting that kind of attention and disrespect, a 38-year-old mother of two who does not look like a girl or dress like a girl anymore (not that it's right for girls to be molested, but you know what I mean). But I guess there and then I was just a woman on her own, and, like you, I am small and helpless. My problem is that I long to project an image that is really completely unlike my looks and personality: I will never be a forbidding amazon. I am shy and reserved, and I look sweet and feminine. I have to find some middle ground and so far it hasn't been easy, but I plan on asking advice from you guys. And I am trying to learn how to take pictures of my outfits. It's complicated, given my nonexistent amount of me-time, but it will be worth it

Beth Ann - I really like you quote. Do you remember who said it? Sounds like what they have to say is well woth the read. I agree, sophistication really does not embody the spirt....adaptive, I like gracious, courteous, empathetic. I like your acronym - sing is a great way to remember it. Grace is such a beautiful way to live your life. So easy, so right, so harmonious, that you can be yourself but not threaten others. Such a wonderful state of being!!
Mollymae - modest clothing can be very fashionable! But I know how hard change is. Buying nice things was a good first step. Although many people on the forum are on "team wear" they are comfortable wearing new things. I think it sounds like a huge step you actually bought clothing you love. I can see where you might have needed a break to get used the idea, to all the clothes to become familiar. Perhaps you could challenge yourself to wear one of your beatiful pieces in an outfit and see how that feels. Some people prefer to dip their toes in the water first rather than just right off the pier!! Nothing wrong with that as long as you get where you want to go in the end!! So glad to hear you are finding yourself in a better place now!!!
Deb - no question hindsight is always 20/20. I think you have a great goal to feel good in your clothes now. We can't control the outside world or it's perception of us but we can present outselves in a way that makes us good and comfortable. Maybe that's the best we can hope for!!
EveningMood - gosh that still sounds awful. I find that behavior so abhorrent. It's all about power, people who subjugate others to make themselves feel more powerful, it's disgusting. Verbal or physical it's just a matter of degree but I am so glad you were physically safe. I wish I had an easy answer. But perhaps a travel outerwear capsule that is polished and business like (you know trench like), crossbody bag for ease of movement and fast exits, pepper spray (yup, I think you need a new accessory), cell pocket accessable (so you can hit 911), maybe small travel umbrella - not as dangerous as a taser which could be used against you but makes a nice small bat) I would definitely find out where the conductors hang out and talk to them, maybe they have suggestions. Good luck and be careful!!

Thanks Gryffin! I had a great experience yesterday "dipping my toes". It was my first lunch with a local meetup group of women in the area. Being relatively new here, I've been wanting to get out of my shell and make some friends. I decided to step out on a limb and wear one of the outfits I've been too uncertain to wear in public before, because I felt like it definitely represents who I am inside and the person I want to project. Tall black riding boots with skinny jeans tucked in, a crew neck white tee printed with tiny bicycles faux tucked, long black cardi, and black and white horizontal striped jersey scarf. I felt fun and happy in it...and lo and behold I had a great time and found myself in a really bubbly outgoing mood. Hardly a daring outfit, but it felt great to step outside my comfort zone in a way that didn't make me feel like an imposter. This forum/blog is amazing, because reading all the posts by the lovely ladies here really inspired me to take that step!

comment 99 and ...

100! Great thread Gryffin! Have been watching it creep up to 3 digits; couldnt' help myself

Mollymae - I am so thrilled for you!! First your outfit sounds perfect! Modern, graphic, refined, casual elegance at its best!! But the great part is you felt like you!! Albeit the happy and bubbly you!! Talk about a fantastic first step!! Kudos!! Well done !! Can't wait to hear about outing number 2!!
Torontogirl - you totally crack me up!!

I'm late here, trying to catch up after a busy week, and have not yet made it through all 100+ comments. Of the ones I have read I find my own answer in agreement with at least some aspect of each response. What I want to portray with my clothing has changed and varied through the years from just wanting to fit in to wanting to stand out to now wanting to do both at the same time. I'll have to think about this some more, read more and return.

Joy - I think that attitude exemplifies the best type of confidence. You are confident enough to want to express your uniqueness in your clothes but also truly secure enough to dress in a manner that also makes other people comfortable and is appropriate for the occasion. I'd say that's the best sign that you feel at home and truly relaxed in "your own skin!!" It's shows in the relaxed, deft, elegance of all your outfits!! Kudos!

Gryffin, bless your energy, this has been a great thread.

I started thinking about the times I dressed to repel. It was kind of more fun than dressing as me. Very empowering because it was very deliberate. If only it could be as certain to look good as it does to look terrible!

I like to portray subtle confidence. Well that is my work look. I think I like to portray different looks depending on the situation.

Wow, IK - dress to repel? Gosh, IK you really know how to toss out those bombshells. Do you want to elaborate on that or just leave that dangling out there? On the other hand, it is often freeing to dress as a role or act in a role. It's like giving a shy person a tray of hors d'oeuvres and they becomes a social butterfly. I would think this would be part of the appeal of acting in general. But sounds like you have quite a story behind this. I can only say, that the outfit posts that I've seen look awesome.

This might be way off from what IK meant, but I don't think dressing for a role and dressing for a deliberate effect are at all the same. To me dressing for a role suggests putting on a costume, or uniform, so the audience's focus is on the role, not the particular individual inhabiting the role.

Dressing for a deliberate effect, on the other hand, can include role playing, but, to my mind, it is more about understanding the "language" of clothing and using that knowledge to construct an infinite number of nuanced, personalized cues to fit the individual's needs and purposes in any given situation. It's like writing your own script for how you want to be perceived by others.

I'd go so far as saying that this entire thread is really about how we want to be able to refine our ability to send those subtle (and not so subtle) cues through manipulating our appearance and, in particular, our clothing choices. The messages we want to send--"come hither", "back off", underestimate me at your peril", or "I'm having fun with fashion"--are as diverse as we are as women on the forum. The hard part is becoming fluent enough the language so our messages are congruent with our needs and aspirations.

Gaylene, sooooo well said ! : )

Melllllls - confidence is always a good look!! Plus using outfits to create an ambience, mood or impression in different situations is as elegant as it is useful! Do you want to look approachable or do you need to be authoritative? and a million other needs. If you have that down you are way ahead of me!! Well done!

Gaylene - that is very eloquent and I am nodding along with your thoughts. I took IK's comment in a completely different way (talk about us all coming at situations from our own different POV). Perhaps I also see all dress, to a degree, as "costume." Perhaps I am a lumper, rather than a splitter in this case, that deliberate effect and costume, for me would be on a continuum, varying only by matter of degree or in this case of excess. The dress becomes "costume-y" when it is so distracting that, as you say, it puts "the audience's focus is on the role, not the particular individual inhabiting the role." But I think I am splitting hairs. I think we are actually trying to say the say thing, but you've been much more articulate. Perhaps this is a variant on Coco Chanel's quote , "Dress shabbily they notice the dress, dress impecably they notice the woman."

Don't we all have outfits that say, leave me alone? Or, I feel crappy, so go away?

I definitely don't wear those intending to be come-hither. Completely the opposite.

I'm interested, IK, the times when you dressed to repel. They sound very specific. I'm thinking I do put a little repel factor somewhere in there. Against a very specific type of person - charmers. I appreciate charm, but I don't quite like it. I find it exhausting. I am not clear on what one does with a charmer.

What an interesting topic, gryffin! Thank you for starting it.

I don't generally try to send different messages through my clothing choices. All I really want my clothes to communicate is who I am on the inside so that there are no surprises. This is also why I worked through the Triumph of Individual Style exercises. I think Mother Nature does a great job of matching the inside and outside, I just want to take care not to obscure her work.

IK - actually I don't know how to express that in dress. I think I would convey that through expression and action. How do you convey that? Can you describe an outfit that you'd wear to "repel "?
Rachylou - same thing. No idea what "repel " looks like in an outfit ? How do you do it?
Alexandra - I am definitely going yo have to get my hands on that book. Using dress to communicate who you are is the ultimate. Great that you feel confident in doing that! Kudos!

Gryffin, I'm currently wearing a baggy sweatshirt and jeans and am not expecting anyone to find me in the slightest receptive to anything.

Oh that book does sound awesome, Alexandra !

Gryffin, this just keeps getting better. I also don't think that I ever dress in a purposeful way to "repel" consciously. Though one of my favorite sites is the Man Repeller ( funny but with so much truth ). http://www.manrepeller.com

I do dress for "comfort", just like comfort food, I have comfort clothing. I like to envelope myself in certain clothing. In that case I love a big sweatshirt or robe or sweater ( though I don't go out in my robe - LOL ). That is usually when I stay home. I can't ever remember going to work and dressing in a manner that said I didn't want to interact. Though I know my expressions or curtness assuredly would give that off - but not my clothes, I think.

I mentioned this book in the sequel ( hahaha) I started to this thread. The book is the War and Peace of knowing yourself and what you ask of your clothes. It is a fantastic book.

Open and Clothed : For the Passionate Clothes Lover
Andrea Siegel

IK - That's my BFF's usual baggy fleece sweatshirt and jeans uniform and that would translate in her attitude "I'm comfy and ready to play" motif I guess I would not associate those articles clothing with "I don't want to be bothered" as much as "I want to be comfortable and warm." I can certainly give off major vibes of keep away but when I'm in a bad mood or sick at work I like to wear something I like to make me feel better. So I'd wear a favorite outfit so that would not help with the "repel" message. OTOH, I've got a glare that would rival medusa's so I may not need my clothes to do that job for me. Sorry to be absolutely totally dense (I don't mean to be totally annoying, honest) but still not sure I appreciate exactly you make this work for you.
Isabel - thanks for the link. I've never been to the manrepeller site!! I am hoping it clues me in. Ooooooohhhh we are sisters in comfort. Love me by tunic sweatshirt and leggings and socks with my huge old rober over it and mu merrell ice clogs (okay, I do take the dog out in the backyard in this - there I said it. But only my neighbor sees me and I've see her without her make up . If either of us fesses up then we both must die. that's the deal!). wow, Isabel you wrote the sequel!! Must finish up so I can find it!! Can't wait. But I have to check out the book link! thanks so much, I'm looking forward to it!!

Gryffin, I think you're looking too hard TBH. I don't dress up like Maleficent or Elphaba! But I don't wear figure-flattering clothes that say I am open for attention or looking for company or let's go to the grocery store. If other people read it as comfy, it is true, it is also comfy. But it has other things attached to it, too.