Angie - Thank you! You are always so gracious and kind!! No one conveys their message with as much style, eloquence and clarity as you do. But I would add your approachability and warmth also come through in your outfits. Your elegance is accessable and your polish radiant and soft. A wonderful look for a fantastic, caring, generous and loving person!!

Yes, "student is ready the teacher appears." It's weird to me how many times I'll be thinking No, no way I can pull that off, not with your figure/fit issues... then someone on this forum who's my body double will post a picture pulling it off. Such moments almost seem cosmically arranged! I am joking - mostly....

Caro sums it up quite well. I am nodding along with her (I didn't read the thread before commenting). I am learning more and more to embrace the "flow" and keep an open mind, about relationships and clothes too. They are oddly interconnected. It's why it's so difficult to say what message I strive to convey with my clothes. When it all comes out in the wash, I do have a consistency and my preferences are pretty obvious but I still love to play a lot. I learn about myself. I learn to love myself - yes even those squishy bits I've hated forever.

I totally get -- and frankly, envy -- those of you who use clothes to convey externally who you are internally. In real life if we met at a party you are exactly the people I'd sidle up to and strike up a conversation. It's a way to draw people to you. I do relate on that, it's more and more one of my own goals as well. You never know who you are going to meet... and how they may change you.

Anna: Good point. Maybe, being surrounded by other students, I don't see the effect so much. The effect I feel more is that of being the "older" student (at 32--most of my colleagues are 25).
Then again, at least in dating, a lot of guys seem relieved I don't have kids. But they want to grill me about the terms/conditions of my divorce.

Like you, my career fills a lot of who I feel I am…but it certainly is not all of it. Most days, it doesn't feel like the majority. It's just what I do for a living, and lucky me, I get to do what I love.

Aziraphale - agreed. We are "she who must be obeyed!!"
Rachylou - LOL. Mary Poppins! I love that movie. I could never do Glinda too girls. Of course, the wwotw, well yeah, at times I can feel the green within me!!

Shiny - that is so true. i was trying to convey this idea to my son. That everything we do becomes part of us, our own internal universe, so you have to really decide and choose who spend time with and what experiences to have because they change us in ways we can't even define. Caro is incredibly eloquent and very wise!! Life is evolution, it is growth and if we are smart we learn and change moving toward our best selves. If we are very lucky we show that on both the outside and the inside!! PS Shiny it would be awesome to be able to chat with you IRL!!

It is easier to come at it the other way and say I don't want to appear conservative or ordinary. I value individuality.
I also have a sensual side. I don't necessarily mean sexual, but in the line of touch, taste, beauty around me. My senses. I can savor a bite with the right sip of wine and be in heaven. I like sensual clothing. So, the soft fabrics and the drape come into play here, buffered by more traditional sensual (sexy) slim fit jeans, short shorts, etc.
Edgy to some degree. The silver hardware, zippers. Cool, but not standoffish.
There is a bit of sporty, almost not consciously. Because I want to be able to do just about anything at the drop of a hat if possible. I don't want to be on the sidelines because my clothing won't allow me to join in.
Case in point, my very first 2 wearings of my True Religion Disco Billy jeans were a pick up softball practice I hadn't planned on joining, and riding a mechanical bull (where I lost one of the jewels off a back pocket, incidentally). TR replaced it free, but that's beside the point. I didn't buy my most expensive to date designer jeans with those scenarios in mind, but I wasn't going to NOT play along because I had on my nicest duds.
Lastly - FUN! I like a few brighter colors and some bit of whimsy. Above all, life should be about the pursuit of happiness and I want to embody that too.

I am a shy, introverted person. Once you get to know me I talk too much and am pretty geeky and silly. But my clothes are my comfort armour that make me feel contained and safe while I observe the world around me.

And Anna, I think maybe being in a city affects how people pigeon hole you to your job. I know in a resort town like Tahoe, jobs are just a way to get by and make some money to afford to stay in such a beautiful place. Not many people think of others as defined by their careers. One year they might deal black jack, the next sell timeshares, the next manage a ski resort lodge.

University teaching taught me to be very conscious of the messages that I sent through my clothing; for years, I became quite used to thinking of everything I put on my body as a way of communicating with an audience. Wearing the right outfit could help me create exactly the right tone and atmosphere with my audience. I'd go so far as to manipulate my outfits during a seminar by removing my jacket and scrunching the sleeves of my shirt to ensure that the audience would feel more comfortable asking questions after the main part of the presentation was finished. My style goal at work was to create an image of competence, authority, friendliness, and respect, with a touch of creativity and imagination.

On the other hand, my non-work wardrobe was strictly practical, sporty, and gear-driven as I lived in a household of males who skied, camped, hiked, biked, and the like. My closet was divided into two quite different personalities, to the point where people who knew me in my professional role would look positively shocked when they encountered me on the ski slope or trail.

That's why, when I moved towards retirement, I came to YLF because I had absolutely no experience with dressing as something I could do just to please myself. Like Una, I knew what message I didn't want to send--here's a drab, little old lady who has no interest in style or fashion--but that didn't give me much of an aspirational goal. To tell the truth, I think I'm still trying to get used to the idea of expressing myself through my clothes. It seems like it should be easy, but it isn't. The pull to think of clothing as a way to communicate specific messages to others, instead of personal expression, is still very strong.

This is a great question, Gryffin, and I'm nodding along with all the responses. Maybe Rachylou's "unexcitable liveliness", with an undercurrent of MaryK's "you underestimate me at your peril", comes closest to my current goal.

Mo - I do think your style conveys all those things. Your clothes are always fluid and touchable. I was an english major, so I understand exactly your connotations of sensual - appealing to the senses. That definitely comes through in your clothes. Also your exuberance for live, with interesting choices but never delicate or fragile. Your outfits definitely convey life was meant for living, not sitting on the sidelines!!
Ceit - I get exactly what you are saying. I think black does that for me. Our sartorial choices protect us and make us feel able to face the challenges that we face!

Gaylene - yes, clothing as costume and prop. I think we all do that. In a way, all life is theater and we use what we have to turn life to our advantage. Some people with more calculation and success than others. It sounds like you nailed you professional message but now it's time to find your personal message. Not easy. Playing a role is without a doubt often easier than playing ourselves!!

Aziraphale, yes! Maybe not so much weak but I don't want to be seen as helpless. Although I am thinking about MaryK's "underestimate me at your peril" because that (being underestimated) can be powerful too. My mom never tells people she is a doctor because she found people treated her differently and sometimes it didn't help (like when buying a car!)...

Gryffin, I am undeserving of your gracious words, but thanks ever so much for being awfully nice. xo

Mo, your cascading locks are the most sensual part about your style.

Ceit, I like the way you use clothing as armour. You are a true Knight. Diana - although not knightly - uses her style as armour too.

I am enjoying everybody's answers and marveling at the variety. I suspect most people I work with want to say 'feed me, I won't be trouble.' Outside of work, it's 'no trouble', which is different and means 'come and get me, I spit on you trouble.'

...which brings up the question for me, are my efforts succeeding? I'm pretty sure I get off message quite often. Better than before, but not every day. Esp when I go native.

Also, re the single thing. That's true, those are the first three questions everyone asks. I bridge the gap in a funny way - with a foster daughter and a mid distance, 7-yr relationship. People want to know if and how you're engaged in society... And those are the hard core central ways.

Fascinating thread, and I have so enjoyed all the responses, not to mention your graciousness in considering each one of these, gryffin.

When I first read the question, I have to admit that I drew a blank. Because most days, the only people who see me are my husband, my daughter, and our cat. So I am not even sure I am trying to convey a message at all. Unless the message is something like Popeye's: I am what I am and that's all that I am.

Dressing has become much more about what feels good (practically speaking) and what feels authentic. And trying to marry these two requirements. Because what feels "authentic" includes more than a touch of luxury and polish -- but also, a huge degree of comfort and ease.

When I do go out and about -- and especially when I'm presenting, speaking, or teaching, I would like people to see me as someone who is integrated, so that her clothes are an expression of herself. This is (obviously) aspirational, because I do not think I appear that way yet. I may appear more modern and more conventionally "stylish" than I used to, but my style remains derivative. I haven't yet learned to speak in my own voice -- or at least, not entirely. I do think I'm getting closer to that. As Gaylene said, it's surprisingly difficult to achieve.

Hmmm. Come to think of it, maybe: I am what I am and that's all that I am is still the message I would like to convey.

And, again -- I think I dress more to achieve a certain set of feelings than to convey a specific message. I want my clothes to make me feel:

Polished
Intelligent
Confident
Fluid (the word really works for me -- conveying a non-sloppy relaxation)
Refined
Thoughtful, considered
Happy (!)
Open

Active

Funny. Those are never my questions to anyone. My first questions are where are you from, what do you do for fun, and how can I find some commonality... To you, Anna, it would be "Where did you get those shoes???"

LOL - -me, too -- I'd be all over Anna, complimenting her outfit and wondering where she got each item.

I never ask those questions, either. Usually I try to find something that I like about the person right away and comment on it. To see if we can build some rapport based on that. Only later would I ever ask the kids/ partner/ job questions -- if necessary. If they are vital to the person those topics would probably come up naturally.

This sounds awful but a lot of the time I kind of forget I have kids or am a twin or whatever. Then it comes out in conversation and I think "oh yeah, right! Kids, yes I do!"

I am wretched at small talk. I usually try to find something to talk about that I see on a person, or ask where someone is from, but oftentimes I get shot down and then I don't know what to say. So I generally just kind of hope that others are around to break the ice first.

I think I am just kind of a brain on legs, piloting around.

I, too, never ask the husband/job/children questions right off the bat. I feel like they're way too personal for a new acquaintance and I will generally try to make conversation related to the context in which I have encountered the person.

And I shy away from shoe conversations since I read this article.

Such an interesting thread, gryffin. And what class you show to facilitate each persons reflection with your own thought and words. I dont know exactly how I shall approach creating (refining?) a personal style that conveys these messages but i know it will involve less pieces than currently reside in my closet. And more careful consideration of what i choose to include. I am certainly in a phase of great experimentation. Like, although different to, Gaylene, I wore a uniform for many years--first externally imposed than internally imposed--and gear all other times. Now, i feel lucky to be able to explore dressing as a creative experience with the goal of sending a message about myself, but i dont have many years of practice under my belt just yet so I consider my skills at a beginner level in many regards.

Well, and on the kids job etc front question. I've got to go with Annagybe... "What do you do for a living?" Is always a first question I encounter when meeting new people. Although, since it makes me uncomfortable I try not to ask that one upfront when I am doing the inquires. And I admire anyone who is willing to give of oneself to fight evil daily.

Suz - I like your Popeye quote!! Can any of us really aspire to more. I think your daily outfits are incredibly polished and amazing for working at home. Plus who isn't derivative. Gosh, you'll know, what is that quote about how many really original pieces of literature exist? Same for dressing. It's all just about making it your own. But I think you do an extraordinary job of conveying the exact image you aspire to!

Mary - my son has extraordinarily long eyelashes. It often comes up very early. I think he rather people comment on his cool sneakers. He's really proud of them. That's my 12 yo take for what it's worth
Sarah - that's an exciting and kind of scary place to be at!! Uniforms are safe and easy. Putting yourself out there is harder and often requires more bravery.

"I am smart, comfortable, and hip."

Ik - you are all of that and more and you convey that brilliantly in your style choices!!

I'm very sensitive to the "what do you do for a living" question because I was a SAHM for several years, and I always hated being asked that. On the flip side, years later, I'm equally sensitive NOT being asked that, when at DH's functions in which everyone is a scientist and as soon as I say "marketing" their eyes glaze over, because it really is a different world. DH also hates being in my professional world and being asked what he does.

Sometimes I'll say... do you work at home or outside? Little bit of a slant. This thread just gave me the inspiration to ask: "what do you do to LIVE" instead. Would be interested in how people might answer that. Maybe they'd say "I earn money to put a roof over our heads and feed us so we don't die." Maybe they'd say "I buy awesome shoes because that makes me feel alive."

Great question and timely. I haven't thought much about sent clothing messages lately, but at one time I remember that I wanted to look powerful, intimidating, but not overwhelming. "Lean and Mean" was sort of my mantra--I'm really not mean at all and probably too deferential to others.

Now I'm in a different phase of life. Lately the question for me is "how do I want to feel in my clothes?" In many ways I'm out of sinc with the current casual look. As a mostly tailored person, I'm not to thrilled with the flowing oversized looks I see in the stores. Still, I've got to admit that anything that hides the middle and is flattering calls to me.

Right now: Lots of turmoil in my personal life, a new career, and I'm going to be on YouTube! I just don't want anything to distract, hurt or itch while I'm giving my presentation.

Lisa on the Amid Privilege blog has a great topic (which I meant to send to Inge but where is the time going?) on women over 50 becoming invisible. Funny thing is that as a tall woman I've never felt invisible and I want to address this topic, but I have deadlines and my DH is sick and we've had a tragedy in my family.

I do want to think about this topic and I thank you for bring it up.

Una: "being underestimated can be powerful too" - Yes! Exactly that. I don't necessarily want to underwhelm people, but I take a little secret satisfaction in the surprise that flashes across their faces when they dig deep enough to find out even part of my real story. I kind of like that my story isn't written in my style. The message that I hope is the most obvious is that I am genuine and approachable. I hope that they will talk to me and let me know them... and care to know me deeper. I hope that standing next to me, they will not feel overshadowed but rather free to shine just as brightly.

Sarah, I love your answer.

Such an interesting thread. Gryffin, my uncle recommended "A Pattern Language", I need to read it sometime. He lived for many years in a tent in the woods, slowly planning and building a house, and said that his outside rooms, which included groves of trees and specific views of distant mountains, were as or more important than his inside rooms.

With clothing I definitely feel there is an inside room and outside room, and usually I dress for the outside room if I'm 'getting dressed' as opposed to 'wearing some clothes'. Shiny I identify with your spiritual perspective. Part of it for me is that because of the connectivity of all, the differences are just theater or playacting. So for me having a specific fixed style identity isn't really something I'm aspiring to right now I don't think? Except for the practical reasons that I want to feel reasonably comfortable and strong and graceful in my clothes, and I want them to work with each other.

Because like Suz I am often working at home, or when I'm with other people I'm wearing a utilitarian uniform (one summer it was steel toed boots, long shorts, a tshirt, goggles, and a respirator for weeks at a time), I don't actually need to worry about dressing a specific way except for a few special events or talks. So for many years, I've mostly been gear focused when I think about clothes.

Like torontogirl I want to keep a little mystery and anonymity. One aspect of this is that I'm often drawn to dressing in a style that is ageless (not 'young' but hard to pin down age-wise). I also like being able to shift style registers to blend or move unseen through very different groups of people or environments. I'm not worried so much about not being 'me'. I'm always me, but I like to be the observer more than the observed I think. I'm a bit classic Scorpio in some ways.