What do you wear to a swinging singles club if you don't want to swing? - YouLookFab Forum

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What do you wear to a swinging singles club if you don't want to swing?

ironkurtin

Veteran

No, seriously. I have a commission to write erotica and I have to do research at a local sex club. It's funny that I am writing this (!!!) considering how very tame I am, but I am trying to keep an open mind -- after all, my goal here is to explore what people who are not me find exciting -- while keeping other hands off my purely observational body.

I'm sorry if this post offends anyone, and I would appreciate if I got serious answers.

Maybe I should just wear what I always wear, instead of trying to go in a don't-touch-me "costume"? A linen tank top and jeans don't really say Open For Business IMO.

Dressing

96 replies

Latest reply was from ironkurtin

abc

Veteran

I say be yourself. I can't wait for you to use the line, "I'm here doing research." Please report back with stories after this field trip!

Helena

Veteran

That is an interesting dilemma - you don't want to 'fit in' per se but you also can't dress in a way that reads as judgemental ... I agree that I would keep it as authentic as possible so that you at your most comfortable ... probably dressed down, and I would probably cover up the tank top with a cardi or something (but I feel too bare in tanktops so that's just me).

ironkurtin

Veteran

I can't believe no one is answering... all these threads about how we're perceived by how we dress, and no one can tell me how to dress to tell people I'm not interested?

Sarah A

Veteran

I thought two replies in less than an hour was pretty good (more than my posts usually get)! I think the linen tank and jeans would work fine. Skip the short dress or body con anything.

ironkurtin

Veteran

Sarah A - but my post has "swinging" in the title!

Be my best gfriends and help a gal out with this kind of weird question! If I asked you to please please please come with me as moral support, what would YOU wear?

Sarah A

Veteran

True....

Ginkgo

Veteran

Mom jeans and thick white athletic shoes? But everyone will run from you!

Okay, the linen tank and pants with blazer, great shoes, and the all-important prop, your notebook computer or iPad or whatever that will convey that you are Margaret Mead, simply there to observe the natives.

Vildy

Veteran

I would think that any option that has you looking like you don't want to participate will come off as either judgmental or coy. I think the better bet to get people to open up and talk to you is to look as though you do want to participate.

ironkurtin

Veteran

OK, Vildy, what do I wear THEN?

And aren't I a tease if actually DON'T want to participate?

Yelp says the place is really casual if that helps:
http://www.yelp.com/biz/players-club-austin

Gaylene

Veteran

Well, I've never been to a sex club, and, at 65, unlikely to go anytime in the near future, so obviously this is entirely speculative on my part. But I have had the opportunity to end up in some rather unexpected venues in my travels, like the red-light districts in some European centers without having anything unpleasant happening even when I was a young woman.

Unless you wear something definitely provocative, I'd say overall behavior is more important than how you dress. If you go with the expectation that you will probably be approached (which is maybe good if you are doing research?), the trick is to figure out how to rebuff offers without creating an issue or scene. After all how is a person going to know your motives for visiting that venue? And, if you are really concerned, go with another person or in a group--that is more likely to discourage someone than covering yourself from head to foot.

This has to be one of the more interesting fashion questions I've ever seen on the forum, though, IK! But this is one time that I don't think clothing can do the job on its own.

rachylou

Veteran

Hey! I'm supposed to be working... Anyways, there is nothing you can wear to a sex club that says hands off. You could try a cap that says "JAFO" as a joke, tho - not that anyone will be old enough to remember what that means.

I say jeans, shirt, topper... and in this case I'd go for sneakers. Nothing too precious. Things you'd be ok burning afterwards... Lol. I only half joke.

April

Veteran

Need more details. You're not writing a piece on the club, right, but you're there to gather information to give you ideas about people's sexual proclivities to help with writing erotica? Are you planning to present yourself openly as a writer and interview people or to watch and learn by seeming like one of the clientele?

Either way, I would rethink the club idea and just read some erotica. Not suggesting that you crib anything from someone else, just that it should give you an idea pretty quickly what themes people are most drawn to.

ironkurtin

Veteran

Gaylene, you are so smart! I'm hoping I don't actually cringe. I am actually really, really shy in new situations, not to mention personally fastidious, and this is going to be difficult for me!

Rachylou, I had to look up JAFO. I think that's my new slogan for life.

Sarah, Gingko, thanks for playing along!

ironkurtin

Veteran

April, I want to see the public personas presented because costumes are a big part of what I am supposed to write, an apparently (from Yelp) women at this club are putting a lot of effort into presenting their fantasy personas.

Trust me, I have stocked up on erotica. I went to Half-Price Books to see what they had and they'd just moved the Adult section so I spent a mortifying ten minutes while various young people ran around yelling, "YO BOB, where the porn at?" and "HEY BOB, where'd we put the smut? This lady wants the sex books!"

The glares from the elderly knitters in the craft section were pretty priceless.

rachylou

Veteran

On a side note to April, have you checked out the big online meeting spots? Definitely less germy.

Anonymous

Gosh, I think you're brave to be going into a club like that. Not sure I'd know where to begin! As for clothes, do you have a silk shirt? They're kinda sexy but not revealing. Add form fitting jeans and take the edge off with sneakers as suggested by others.

ironkurtin

Veteran

Rachylou, I didn't think of that. I will do that too. Also I will have to be clearing my browser history a lot because you can imagine what I find on internet searches.

Sona

Veteran

you should wear something leather- maybe a jacket with your jeans and linen tee. I think that would help you fit in. Not a leather corset or anything. I agree that blending in is best rather than trying to look like a sore thumb because I think that will make it harder to get a 'true' story?

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I haven't read the replies, (hectic day), but I would guess that it really doesn't matter what you wear, IK. It's your behavior that will keep you on the straight and narrow. So rather than thinking about what to wear (just wear jeans, a flowy top and boots = your usual style), think about how you'll respond politely yet strongly to advances. That's the crux in all of this.

rachylou

Veteran

Be selective too about the sites and links you visit. Some people's erotic interests are criminal.

ironkurtin

Veteran

Sona - Does this give me an excellent excuse to buy leather pants? "Oh these? I bought them to go to a sex club! Work, you know how it goes."

Angie - Oh man. That is very true. I really don't know HOW to respond and I never did. I am thinking Miss Manners is the place to go here no matter what the situation. "Thank you, but I'm taken" might work.

I should clarify I'm not going to interview anyone, just watch the dynamics.

ironkurtin

Veteran

Rachylou, I hear you. Absolutely not the sort of story or interest I plan to research or write about!

rabbit

Veteran

I read an online article from a guy who went to a craigslist swingers house party for research, I wish I could find it. His discomfort as he chronicled it was entertaining, but also an enlightening read, because the attendees came in all shapes and sizes and ages - and he realized the discomfort with bodies and unrealistic expectations about them was on his part, but not their's. If I recall, he dressed as he normally would, and was still hit on, but when he demurred, people respected that.

I think it depends where you are going, and how 'private' a club it is. If it's just a known but open to anyone pick up joint, it's probably fine to be there as an observer (you could also bring someone with you if you wanted to use that as an excuse for not participating). Even if you dress down and comfortably, somebody will probably make overtures, it's just about how you handle them gracefully. If it's more a safe space for a particular sub-culture though, I myself would probably consider if it's respectful to go as an observer at all, or if that's intruding.

ETA: I'm wondering if 'I just threw my back out, I'm here to drink' would work as an excuse

ironkurtin

Veteran

Rabbit, Austin is a very open town, and I will absolutely be respectful. I really hate people who go places to "mock the freaks" - this is a very personal place for the people who attend, and I will treat it that way.

froggiebecky

Veteran

I once knew a couple who were swingers. They were sweet and a lot of fun (no, I did not see them socially, though I was invited)
Here's my question: are you going alone, or are you going with someone?

Given that the place is casual, I'd dress to blend in. It sounds like what you'd find anywhere, to be honest. I doubt you'll find excessive displays of skin, beyond what you'd find in any other bar.

Frankly, I think it would be FASCINATING. I'd love to go. I'd love to find out what attracts people to that lifestyle, what they feel it adds to their relationship. If their primary partner was always game, or if they were hesitant at first, or even if they met them through that social network.

rachylou

Veteran

Occurs to me, you should probably be ready to say, "I'm kinda just observing." Non-hostile, open to a little conversation - because I assume it wouldn't be bad to find out what people think directly.

Here's another line, "I sorta want to find out what people find a turn-on." Sorta - as in want to know, don't necessarily want to try.

And "I don't think that's for me." Friendly-like, of course.

Vildy

Veteran

heh heh, thought of the perfect response:
"I like to watch."

froggiebecky

Veteran

Also: if anyone suggests meeting up outside of the bar setting, I'd probably say "Thanks for the generous offer--it's one I'd need to talk over with my partner first."

ironkurtin

Veteran

FroggieBecky, Rachylou, and Vildy, if you are in Austin you can be my wingwomen!

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