What do you do when you confidence is shot? - YouLookFab Forum

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What do you do when you confidence is shot?

Elly

Veteran

I've had a really tough couple of years and I hate to admit that my confidence-- which has rarely failed me before--- is about shot.

With today's blog post I thought this was timely.

At some point along the way I got knocked down by life events and then let those close to me treat me like I was worth less and eventually started treating myself like I was worth less. Then I let others that treat themselves this way make me believe that it is the norm.

Particularly obvious is the impact this has had on my appearance.

Especially since I am job hunting and single, I want to look like the woman that is still hiding down inside me--- confident, attractive, creative. However, I still don't feel confident.

So, do I play it safe and try to build confidence? Or do I go all out and hopefully the confidence will catch up?

How have you ladies increased your confidence, especially with fashion? How do you balance what you like with the judgements of others and concerns about things like environmental norms and avoiding the career and dating pitfalls of being too much outside of what can be a very narrow box?

Example:

I've always wanted to cut my hair short. I have once before and I really enjoyed it. I like how a short cut on a woman can go both athletic or edgy. In the past couple of years I have let a couple of people tell me to keep it long. I kept telling myself that when I got in better shape (and looked more athletic) I could do it. Then I realized that my health isn't good enough to be able to do what I would need to do to "look" more athletic-- I enjoy working out and hiking, but I am still going to be curvy and won't be running any marathons anytime soon. Then I started thinking that I wouldn't cut my hair until I looked more rested and had less acne (mine is mild to moderate). Then I started working in an environment where long hair is the cultural norm. There are women who cut their hair short, but it isn't the most accepted thing to do. At the same time-- I already stick out in that environment but even long my hair doesn't look the same.

5 years ago I would have cut it in a heart beat-- all other factors (except maybe the last) be damned.

General

33 replies

Latest reply was from Elly

rae

(website)

Veteran

Elly! It pains me to hear that your confidence is shot. I've SO been there, and I know it is not a good feeling. :T

One truth I've had to wrap my head around is that nothing is more attractive than self-confidence - but how can you exhude confidence when you don't feel attractive, right? IMO, you should do what makes you feel attractive to YOU, and you will automatically attract like-minded people.

I don't have too much career advice other than that there are short-haired women who are quite successful even in my very conservative, corporate office. If you rock your job with confidence, no one seems to care what hairstyle you have as long as it is neat and professional.

As for dating, have you considered online dating? The hubs and I found one another this way, as did my dad and his girlfriend. We all got tired of meeting the same "vanilla" (my dad's word) people who did not appreciate our quirky looks and personalities (Dad has many, many tattoos). Dating sites allow you to quickly find and meet people who are already attracted to your look, and who have already met some of your own standards. I'll quit here before I launch into a full-blown infomercial, but it's worth a thought...

rute

Veteran

This is a difficult question!
You must start within, working from the inside!
A new cut can help, new clothes can help but first you must accept you as you are. Don't think when I loose weight I'll dress better or cut the hair. Accept what you are now and play with what you have! If you have a nice face, a short cut will help, don't think about what others think, think about what you like and love yourself!

Sarah

Veteran

Elly,

I hear what you're saying. It's easy to get stuck in between confidence and lack. The very good news is you are aware that you want change--that's the first step. Sometimes one little change is all you need to get started. Is there some little thing you could do for yourself that would make you happy?

I think most of all you have to listen to your heart. It sounds to me like a new hairstyle would really perk you up. Maybe you can make a change without going short. Why don't you google hairstyles and see what you like? You may find something that just feels right.

I'm wishing you all the best!

Zoe

I'm so sorry to hear all this, Elly.
I'll give you the advice that works for me: Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it.

I'm not saying we ought to be inauthentic or in denial about life's realities, just that sometimes the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves have a way of becoming real. So, what would happen if you told yourself that you are getting over this loss-of-confidence thing? What would happen if you dressed to suit that story?. If you smiled at yourself in the mirror with the smile you expect a confident Elly to wear?

When it comes down to it, there are facts (say, how much we weigh or how many years we have spent on this planet) and there are the stories we tell ourselves about those facts. What story do you want to live?

Anonymous

Rute has given you good advice. Concentrate on all that is positive in your abilities, personality, accomplishments and looks. Did you read the link about French women in Angie's Link Love post last Thursday submitted by Isabelle? Read especially the second half about confidence:
http://www.deadfleurette.com/2.....ellen.html
Here is a bit of the wisdom:
" For whatever reason, we often seem dissatisfied with ourselves. We keep looking for that elusive outfit that will somehow change everything. French women do it the other way — first, they learn to appreciate their looks, then they decorate the package."
I hope that you will realize what an intelligent, amazing woman you are and treat yourself gently.

Debbie

Veteran

Elly I am so sorry you are feeling this way and think the advice you have gotten is wonderful and wanted to add a couple of things.

Start a grateful journal. When you are down it is hard to think of the positives in your life. If you focus on the positives by writing them down it lifts your mood. Or at least it does mind.

Take a couple of pictures of yourself now whether you post them or not. As you make changes compare the pictures. It really does help.

Cut your hair! It will grow back if you do not like it and it may be just the think you need to jumpstart your inner confidence.

Most of all you are a beautiful, creative, intelligent woman and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

Elly

Veteran

I have a lot of things I love about myself-- I've always thought of myself as athletic/outdoorsy, strong, tough, creative and artistic, intelligent, ect. However, dealing with illness a lot of those qualities have been put on the shelf or have had to change. Those things are still who I am, but I guess I feel they aren't as obvious to myself and others.

judy

Veteran

Elly, you actually sound very clear about what's happened and what you need. Now you have to act on it. Step out in faith. Take risks again. Have you ever seen the movie "What about Bob?" with Bill Murray? The therapist's (Richard Dreyfuss) program was BABY STEPS. Take one thing at a time. If you want to laugh, go rent this movie!

When hit by trials, I've noticed some pitfalls that invite me to fall right into them: Feeling sorry for myself. Losing my sense of humor. NOT forgiving myself or others. It sucks the energy needed to actually respond to the situation instead of react or avoid it.

It sounds like you are right at that place where you are aware and ready to respond to what you need now. And maybe you just need to hear others tell you to say YES!

Debbie

Veteran

Elly you still are all of those things just maybe modified given circumstances beyond your control. Most importantly you are special and deserve to be treated that way and to treat yourself that way!

SW Ann

Veteran

First off, I just want to give you a (((hug))))! I think most of us have, at one time or another, had life run right over us....and inside, we lose confidence. Sometimes, in my own experience, giving in to the feeling is easy; what is hard is "acting" confident when we don't feel that way. Ask yourself--"what would I do/say/feel if I were confident? Sometimes we have to "act" our way into feeling better. Confidence is not going to come and find you; confidence takes practice. What would you have done when you were confident? It sounds like you would've gotten short hair and not let others influence you. I've made some wrong decisions in my own life, but when "I" made the choice without letting others tell me what to do, it was easier to swallow my mistake. What will you regret? Not doing something and remaining stuck or doing something and it being wrong? Every day, get up, get dressed in something you feel good in; put makeup on if you wear it, and tell yourself that today is the day I will do one thing to feel better about myself.

Scarlet

Veteran

Regarding confidence, faking it is really just as good as being it. Please respect yourself and give yourself time and care. Care in your appearance is respect for yourself. It is very very hard to go against the cultural norm surrounding you. At the end of the day you have to listen carefully to yourself and do what is right for you.

StacyJo

(website)

Big HUGS Elly. It can be difficult when confidence decides to take a vacation and leave you at home - been there, done that. Debbie's idea of a grateful journal is spot on. I would also like to suggest that you take any negative self-talk and turn it round into a Why question. For example, I noticed in your OP, that you mentioned that your health is not "good enough" to look athletic. Balderdash! Turn that into "Why do I look and feel so athletically great? "Why do people admire me?", "Why am I in the perfect job for my outstanding skills to contribute in a positive manner?" , "Why am I overflowing with loving confidence for myself and others?"... Talking to yourself (or journaling or both!) this way allows your subconsciousness to find the answers and reflect it in your outer world. Sounds weird I know, but it works. And what have you got to lose by trying this? Sending positive vibes your way.

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

What do I do when my confidence is shot? I hide. ... Not the best coping strategy. I too am trying to figure out some similar issues for myself. It is hard to put yourself out there when you feel inferior, or like you haven't fixed your 'flaws' yet.

It's hard especially when some aspect of ourselves has been taken away against our will, and we have to figure out how to grieve that loss and then move on, still remembering the good parts of who we used to be, but not fixating on the past. I don't really have an answer for you, but I totally know how you feel.

Regarding the hair, I agree with others, don't wait if it's something you want to do. It's only hair and even if you grow it back later, sometimes a drastic change is the kick in the pants that one needs (and it makes people see you differently too, which can be helpful). I am sure that you can find a short style that is appropriate in your environment.

What a wonderful group of YLFers we have - this thread is just what I needed to read today.

catgirl

Veteran

Elly, you've gotten a ton of good advice here already. I've been thinking of you all morning. I sympathize with your feelings... Knowing you need to do something about how you feel is the first step.

You don't mention whether you have a strong group of friends who can support you through this time - it is hugely helpful when people who know you can reflect back to you the wonderful person you are. Set attainable goals for yourself - running a marathon is a high expectation for anyone! How about a 5K? Try to make those things fun for yourself somehow and reward yourself for following through. It's true that to a degree you have to fake it sometimes. Every time I run I have to convince myself I love it, and eventually I am successful.

As far as fashion, honestly posting outfits here on YLF has done more for me than anything else. I trust the group here to tell me the truth, and I have learned to love things about me (my legs!) that I used to hate. Learning some ground rules for myself really helped me to feel like I can look my best no matter how I feel. You know all those rules already - now you just have to believe that you're worth it all.

You are!

I have a very close friend who has developed a non-life-threatening but disabling condition that has changed her ability to do what she loves - running, hiking, watching movies (she has constant muscle spasms so can't sit still), yoga. She also aged about 20 years overnight - she is my age and people now mistake her for my mother. It was a struggle for her to find herself in all of that mess, and a lot of it involved making life changes over which she did have control. She retired from teaching, moved with her family to a town where people did not know her "before" and were not constantly shocked at her condition, and took up a new set of interests. Not your situation, I realize, but it makes me want to ask her how she remains confident and serene in the face of everything she's been handed. I'm seeing her this weekend and will pose that question to her.

ironkurtin

Veteran

So much good advice! I empathize so much. I have also been through an illness that completely destroyed my sense of self and connection to my body. It was humiliating, it was debilitating, it was isolating and punitive. It made me feel ashamed and marginalized. I don't know if this is your situation, but here are some things I repeated to myself over and over.

I can do this.
I am strong.
I deserve time and space to cope.
This is not forever.
If other people cannot respond with compassion and support, I do not need them.

Even if I didn't always believe in these things, saying it gave me some power.

I am rooting for you!

rae

(website)

Veteran

"I've always thought of myself as athletic/outdoorsy, strong, tough, creative and artistic, intelligent, ect. However, dealing with illness a lot of those qualities have been put on the shelf or have had to change."

This really resonated with me. I too used to be much more athletic, but have had to cut back due to health as well as job realities. To this day, I feel like my formerly sporty self sometimes looks down her nose at the "new" me.

Still, focus on the things you admire about yourself NOW. Focus on those things and take action to nurture them... being active and decisive will help you feel empowered and in control rather than beat up by circumstances. The more I think about it, that haircut might be just the thing to jumpstart things...

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

One thing I notice in myself now that I've been knocked down a few times by life is my hesitation to take risks or do things that are outside my comfort zone. Living in that "safe" area for too long will eventually depress me and make it EVEN HARDER because the kind of mental attitude that is required to explore new things is sort of like a habit.

As long as cutting your hair won't get you fired or wreak major relationship damage I would start there. Pushing through any negative thoughts and fears will be a good exercise in that type of mental change that you're seeking.

I like Zoe's advice to "fake it till you make it" and you probably already realize this is the key. Look at where you're at what you have now, then figure out how to maximize what you DO have, rather than sit around moping about what don't have. That's not to say that it's unreasonable to be unhappy about losing some of those things. But don't let it dictate how you live your future.

taylor

Veteran

I am sorry you are feeling like this Elly...I think we all have at some point

Cary Grant once said. " I pretended I was the man I wanted to be, and one day I realized I became him"

Hold your head high.... and actually "fake it till you make it" is exactly what he did:)
Be the woman you want to be...if that means cutting your hair and dressing the body you have in a FAB and creative way...the do so with confidence!!

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

I am so glad you started this thread! First I want to say you are not alone, many of us have been there but the good news is things can and will get better.

There are so many great things that have already been said. I agree it helps to fake it until you make it but that has always been hard for me. I have to be at least half way there to even start being able to fake it, if that makes any sense.

I went through a terrible period for about 8 years. I lost 4 jobs, ended a bad marriage, had a miscarriage, ruined my credit, and became addicted to substances which I took in the first place to deal with my mental pain. The start of the healing came when I quit the addictive substances (not easy and I needed help) and stopped living alone. I surrounded myself with loving people. If you are in good health and if you are around people who love you anything is possible! Those two, to me, are the fundamentals.

Aziraphale

Veteran

I haven't read all the other posts, so I might be repeating some comments, but here are mine:

First of all, Elly, I'm so sorry to hear that you feel like life is getting you down. I can sympathize. We all have something, some cross to bear, but knowing that other people also have difficulties doesn't necessarily make your own load seem lighter.

It sounds like you have the problem squarely framed in your mind. Your confidence in yourself was strong before; it will be so again. Believe this. (Once, I was seeing a counselor for severe insomnia related to postnatal depression/anxiety, and she assured me that I had slept normally before, and that I must trust that I would do so again. She was right). Maybe a good first step would be to tackle one thing that you feel you have been pressured into doing or not doing? How about getting that haircut? The great thing about hair is that it grows back. You can make mistakes and live to tell the tale!

For me, building confidence is all about taking small, calculated risks, stepping outside my comfort zone to try something new, and accomplishing goals. These things can apply to fashion as well as other things in life. The goal accomplishment is the most important one -- any time I learn to do something new, or improve something I can already do, I feel good about myself. It doesn't hurt to wear clothes you feel good in, or have a great new hairstyle, but whenever I focus too much on how I LOOK and not enough on who I AM, I get into trouble.

By the way, I still get zits too, and I'm 39 goddamn years old.

Freckles

Veteran

I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough period right now.

Just an idea but can you build a bit and fake a bit both at the same time?

If your health is not on par with your athletic self could you involve yourself in it some other way than actively participating in the sport?

We have a sports club here that is run by volunteers that funds sports, benefits, childrens wish foundation, etc with some corporate sponsors;hip. They put on a variety of events (chalk talks, trivia night, dart league, event parties, raffles and auctions, golf days). Becoming a member and attending or volunteering at one of the events may bring you in touch with people who remind you who you were and share a love.

Do they have something in your neighbourhood that you would be interested in checking out that would help remind you that the person you know is really the same one you lost a tiny bit of?

Elly

Veteran

I wanted to thank you all-- there is some great advice here that I have to stew over and then put into practice, including some things I never would have thought of like journaling.

Don't get me wrong, I really love my body. Most of the time that I don't it is definitely because of ill fitting or unflattering clothing. From the neck up, not so much. For me, this is where I have seen the most dramatic changes with my illness visual-wise. Suddenly my face and hair seem like aliens have been experimenting on me. Old friends and those that see pictures of me from a few years ago are often shocked, while other people that haven't known me as long may not notice or occasionally just comment that I look ill. Suddenly none of my makeup tricks work and everything seems to have gone all wonky. My hair has also thinned (especially around my face) and I have lots of new white hair.

As far as my concerns about short hair and a professional norm, it is more of an ethnic/cultural norm. Alot of my work is within an ethnic enclave, and am very good at what I do and very well-versed in cultural norms and current issues. However, I am of mixed ancestry and wasn't raised traditionally. This puts me at a definite disadvantage as I am often perceived as "that white lady." Too many people seem to have their minds made up about me then and there, so even self identifying doesn't help or just leads to an uncomfortable situation. The ethnic and cultural norm is long hair on women. However, I don't think having long hair necessarily makes me fit in as it still doesn't change my fairer skin, big nose, and fine hair-- all of which I get from my dad. I do wonder if keeping my hair long for no other reason (while many people love my long hair, most hairdressers tell me anything else would flatter better) makes it seem to others that I am less comfortable with myself/my identity. While most people eventually come around, the constant questioning of my identity and my motives or motivation (even at community events outside of work) can be exhausting.

AJ

Veteran

Elly, big hugs to you!

There's so much good advice already, but I also wanted to emphasize seeking out others who have similar interests and who will encourage you. What about finding an online forum that has to do with hiking? Sharing your knowledge in that area will help build your confidence and maybe you'll take a baby step in meeting some of the local members.

I do think risking baby steps is so important when you want to make changes. Just think about all the style journeys that you've witnessed here at YLF. No overnight changes...we try something different, get some feedback and retry. Eventually we decide something is not for us or we luv the new look. Either way, there's positive, supportive friendship throughout the little things we do.

Maybe you can find a stylist who can make some FAB suggestions to gradually cut your hair short over the course of a year or six months.

You know, a genuine smile does a lot for one's mood and appearance. So let's get you going towards a groovy-smile-future!

Katiepea

(website)

Veteran

Elly, it sounds like you've had a really rough time. I'm so sorry to hear how your confidence has been affected. You've received some wonderful advice on here!

I know it may sound strange, but I think it's worth considering the degree of negative "self talk" that is going on inside your head. I've struggled a lot with confidence myself in the past, and found whilst at my low points, my negative inner-voice was nearly on over-drive! I can tell you my own inner-voice has the capacity to be far nastier to myself than anyone else ever could!

As such, one technique I used successfully to boost my inner-confidence is to "catch" my inner-voice when it says something negative. I've learnt that when this happens, instead of just letting it go (and thereby inadvertently accepting it), I now mentally "challenge" the thought.

Now, when I hear my little negative niggle starting up I will say to myself something like "Stop that thought! That is way over the top and not true! This is just my brain trying to play tricks on me. I'm going to ignore this negative self talk!"

I know it probably sounds strange, but I really did find it helped. Whilst I may have just made myself sound like a complete nutter, I hope this is something for you to consider.

I hope you feel better soon! x

Aunty

Veteran

Elly I am so sorry you feel like this.

You have had some great advice here, there is not much that I can add. Please know that you are not the only one, so many of us have been in the same postion, I know I have. It takes work and re training the way you think. I do Katiepea's trick of drowning out the negative thoughts as well. Be strong and you will come out the other side. If you need us we are here.xx

Astrid

Veteran

I'm sorry you're feeling down. I've been there and I think you already got some good advice. I think it's important to take little risks and step outside your comfort zone from time to time. In my experience, the best way to gain confidence is to take the plunge and recognize it isn't as hard as you imagined it to be.

I think Katiepea had some great advice. I had some psychotherapy two years ago and the therapist had similar advice. She said I should imagine all my negative "self talk" as a real thing I didn't like, e.g. a bug or something like that. And every time I thought along this line, I could imagine this bug sitting on my shoulder and telling me all these things to make me insecure. It sounds silly, but it helped to seperate the negative self talk from myself and to recognize it when it happened. Because you have to recognize the negative thoughts in the first place, before you can do something about them.

One other thing that helped me was the knowledge that it was perfectly alright to have the problems I had. I accepted that I have to do things in my way and in the time I need. The most important thing is to not compare yourself to others, but listen to the things you need for yourself at the moment. The first step to getting better is self-acceptance!

I hope you get better soon.

adorkable

Veteran

Hi Elly,

Another person chiming in, but I had a few different thoughts I wanted to share. First off: I'm so sorry. It's always terrible to go through one of those patches, even if you know it's temporary.

The first thing I want to say is to emphasize taking care of yourself. Lots and lots of debate over whether self-care or self-love "should" come first (See: http://www.alreadypretty.com/2.....first.html ) but certainly making the time to care for myself has given me energy through the roughest patches. So: drink more than enough water; breathe deeply; eat slower so you can taste your food; buy yourself flowers; take some time every day to read something you don't have to read; etc. etc. etc. Since you mention treating yourself like you were worth less, that's something that's relatively easy to turn around. You're worth it.

The other thing is about short hair. I've gone back and forth all my life, and I feel more like me with shorter hair. I just cut mine again ... but my professional situation sounds like it might be similar to yours. (I'm an anthropologist working with a relatively isolated peasant community in Mexico which is a foreign country to me to begin with. Now I live in a fairly large city, but even so...it's even more complicated, because in the indigenous community it's better for me acceptance-wise to be foreign than non-indigenous Mexican while in the city it's best to be similar enough...but I digress.) I don't know what the work is or what the community is and so it depends, but there are definitely ways to communicate both difference and respect. In some ways, when I don't try to look like the people I work with, things actually go better for me - they know I respect them and their way of life and won't ask them to do things on my terms, but they don't feel like I'm trying to be something I'm not. Complicated issue any which way...

J

MsMary

Veteran

I don't have anything to add to the fab advice that's been shared already, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and give you some more big hugs!!!

rachylou

Veteran

That's a hard question. I think about it often, since my field is going up in smoke in this economy. And actually, I've found in this economy, confidence is not selling. Right now it's all about lying low and the emotional consensus is uncertainty.

I've half convinced myself it's all about what I can imagine, or not, and that the first thing I need to work on getting in shape is my imagination.

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