Venting: I love my sister, but my parents make it so hard sometimes... - YouLookFab Forum

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Venting: I love my sister, but my parents make it so hard sometimes...

rae

(website)

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Sometimes I think I have come to terms with this but, on days like today, with my emotions still bouncing around from last month and my medication needing to be refilled, I cannot control myself and my feelings get so hurt! I just need to vent if that is okay...

My parents both blatantly favor and coddle my younger sister over me. It is ridiculous... they have done this since high school. They bought her a car for college while they forced me to take the bus, they leant her all kinds of money, they pay for her phone bill, they help with her current car payments and rent, mom paid like 2K for her hair extensions one year... now to top it all off my dad is going to pay for her plane ticket out to his wedding, but I have to pay for 100% of mine (even though he initially offered to pay half of mine).

Now, this is not to say I feel like *anyone* should be paying for *anything* for me... it just really hurts me that they offer to do all this for her and not for me. I just don't understand! My sister is currently done with school and making more than I am - I am the one on disability from a low-wage job.... my sister says money is tight because she is planning to spend several thousand to go to Tahiti... well, la dee da, I wish I had that problem. -_- I know I sound bitter toward her, and I hate that! I wish they would at least have the decency to HIDE the favoritism from me. I have asked that they stop telling me these things, but it continues... my parents aren't even together, so they don't work as a unit. They both independently decide to shower her with everything.

It makes me feel like such an idiot for being the one to do as I was told and behave all the time. If I had not cared for their approval, I could have gotten a job sooner in life, had a car and job experience, would not have been forced to do temp work...

Yeah, I know, this is turning into a real pity party. I like my life, and I do not have hope for any change with my family, so I don't know what I expect to achieve by moaning about it. I need my Xanax...

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35 replies

Latest reply was from siniestra

Mochi

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No, rae, that is a situation that would be very trying for anyone, and I take for granted that my parents didn't practice favoritism. I think you are much more zen about it than I would be, but it's going to rankle sometimes no matter what. I wish parents were more sensitive--it's obvious! Hugs.

ManidipaM

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It's one of the hardest lessons to accept in life, I find, that one's parents --- for all their 'good' or even 'best' intentions --- don't always do their best or do right by their children.

As a child, one is *absolutely* in the right to expect the very best care from parents. As an adult, though, I find life goes a lot easier when one lets go of that expectation and treats the older folk as being as fallible and dependable in only a *limited* way as 'most of the rest'.

And after that grand ideal, I'll confess there are days when things still will rankle (favouritism isn't the problem for this only child; but it's been years of hoping to be asked how I'm doing with an actual expectation of a conversation beyond 'fine!').

Hang in there, Rae! This too shall pass --- don't let the irritation get too deep under your skin. Turn it into pride in your self-sufficiency and independence instead.

Anonymous

My mom is the "non-favorite" compared to her sister, too ... And she's 60. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. It's their problem. And your sister's, because she accepts their favoritism. But I know how it can hurt and frustrate. I'm sorry.

annagybe

(website)

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Not that it makes any better, but is your sister still single? I could see some parents as you being fine because you're married. Yeah it sucks though.

Aziraphale

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I'm sorry, Rae. How hurtful and frustrating. Unfortunately, we don't get to pick our family. If we like and get on with our parents and siblings, we're lucky (or maybe, we simply have a more tolerant nature). If not, we're in good company. Lots of us have trouble accepting the behaviour of family members.

I used to wish my mother was different. We don't have an easy relationship. Or, maybe she thinks we do, but it's always felt stiff and awkward from my perspective. But I came to realize some years ago that she probably did the best she could with the limited cognitive and emotional resources she had, and I have no right to expect more. Nobody said the world had to be fair. So we don't have that enviable deep mother-daughter bond that some women have? Well, I chose the right husband, I have wonderful children, I get on well with my dad and brother, and feel fortunate to have good friends. I'm luckier than most.

It sounds like you have a good handle on things, emotionally speaking. You seem intelligent and strong. Have you ever asked your parents about this? Direct questions, like, "Why did you offer to pay my sister's fare but not mine?". If so, can they come up with an acceptable answer? I'm not talking about dredging up loads of past injustices (never a good idea), but asking the why of an issue that bothers you as it comes up seems reasonable.

Also, you say you "feel like such an idiot for being the one to do as I was told and behave all the time". This suggests that maybe your sister didn't. Maybe she messed up. A lot. Perhaps they favour her because they're afraid she'll mess up more if they don't. Sometimes parents are so afraid a child (even an adult one) will go off the rails -- that the child is fragile in some way -- that they favour that child and take for granted that their other children will be fine, because historically, they have. This doesn't excuse the favouritism, but it might go some way to explaining it.

Caro in Oz

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It is tough to cope with this stuff at any time but even worse when you are feeling fragile.

I agree with Elizabeth that it may help to ask them directly why they do these things - I asked my parents & their answer was well we knew you could look after yourself:) It didn't help much at the time but it made more sense of the situation.

I think there is something else happening too - I think your father needs to realise it isn't acceptable to offer to pay half your fare & then renege, nothing to do with being a parent just about being a trustworthy adult imo.

Take care of yourself - you are dealing with it way better than I would have.

Deborah

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Rae no advice but just some understanding. My sister has always been favoured by mum, and my DH's younger sister is favoured by his parents. In both cases, I believe they perceive that sibling is more in need of there 'support'. I don't know why. I guess on the surface, DH and I are confident, successful and viewed as able to manage and look after our selves, and our siblings are not. We have moments where we feel a little like you do right now, so I do understand. I am most certain that your parents love you so it's not about that. Sending you a virtual hug xxx

rae

(website)

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Thank you, ladies. A little sympathy goes a long way, and I feel a little more sane now.

Manidipa, yeah, I agree. I unfortunately learned I could not depend on them at a really young age... I guess that means I should not be able to be disappointed, but here I am. :T

Anna, you are very right. That is part of it for my dad, and he has said so, though I did not ask. He often tries to get me to "help her out" because he views her as unsettled. I think he also views me as my husband's responsibility now.

Elizabeth, I have never asked, because I know the answer, and I am afraid that if I bring it up I will just explode. They view her as leading this really tough, struggling, hand-to-mouth existence and think that I never had to go through that. My dad once told me that I never had to worry about rent - I really had to bite my tongue then! They are completely clueless about how I scraped and saved... really boggles my mind. I guess you are right that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. I never allowed myself to ask for money, so to them I suppose I had some kind of cushy lifestyle.

Caro, I did send my dad a quick message that I don't need to know it when he is helping my sister. Besides hurting me, it is not fair to her - unless she wants to tell me, I don't think her financial situation should be any of my business. I didn't tell him why, but maybe one of these days it will sink in that I don't want to know these things. :T

rae

(website)

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Deborah, I appreciate you sharing that! It is helpful to look at it as a behaviour common to some parents, rather than them reacting to some deficiency in me.

ramya

Veteran

hugs and kisses sweety!!!!

This is not your fault...never think of it that way

Raisin

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Oh.My.God. Reading your post is like reading thoughts right out of my own brain. I know EXACTLY how you feel.

I also have a younger sister and my mom favors her ridiculously. They treat her as the baby of the family, and pay for and coddle her much the same. It's like they think she's struggling and I'm doing so well and she needs their help.....or at least that's what they lead me to believe, but it's so not the case.

My sister is 2 years younger, 26. I got married at 20 and had not a dime to my name. They gave me a wedding at the house, it was a $2000 ordeal for everything, tux's, dresses, etc. I felt so friggen bad that as soon as I got to my post I sent them back $1000 right away, and they took it. From the day I got married my mom always said she would give my sister $3000 for her wedding to account for "inflation"...ok I call bull, to account for "favoritism"....anyway, my sister got married about 2 years ago now and my mom will still not tell me the amount, but I know it's at the very least $10,000.

When we were in high school I walked everyday. It's literally around the corner, 5-10min walk. Well as soon as I got out and my sister was still there, she was allowed to take my mom's car and my mom bused to work.....WTF?

I worked at at grocery store about 10-15 min walk from my house as a teen. Later on my sister started to work at the movie theatre directly beside it. While I was working, I walked to and from work, even late at night. Once I went off the college and training for work my mom drove and picked up my sister every time because, it was dark, or she might get hurt.....ok, I guess they're weren't worried about me!

While my sister was in school living with my parents they bought her laptops, cars, etc. I moved out at 20 and she mooched until 24 and is still getting handouts.

Gosh there are so many examples! I'm getting mad just thinking about them again, lol.

Now my sister is pregnant and I am seriously worried that she will blatantly favor her kids over mine, and I will not have them get their feelings hurt like I do.

I have grown to ignore it. That's about the best I can do. But it does strain our relationship because it's obvious I resent her, and she thinks I just ignore them. It actually hurts DH's feelings a lot more than mine. I think he gets hurt for me, and he can't understand it, or let go of it, whereas I just don't care anymore.

In my case I actually wish my mom would own up to her behavior. She hides it from me or lies to me because she's knows I'm mad about it, and that just makes me more mad. Because then I KNOW she knows it's favoritism. If it was just innocent, she wouldn't try to hide it.

Like you it strains my relationship with my sister because even though it's not her fault, it makes it hard. My sister is also very immature and she acts like a baby and I'm not into that. My mom loves it though, she loves being her "best friend" and acts like a kid almost as much. Drives me nuts!

Anyway, I don't have much advice on how to deal with it, except ignore it. Which sounds bad, but basically I've decided that I won't let it affect my life. They can be best friends, and I can see them once in a while, and I will not let my mom guilt me into thinking I'm the bad one. On a positive note, it has taught me exactly what I will NOT do with my 2 boys. I would never want one to feel like that.

Raisin

Veteran

Sorry, I know my post was already long, I could say a lot more on this.

I forgot to say, it's hard to argue with them about it because when I bring up the wedding thing for example, it just seems like on the outside that I am jealous or want a ton of money from them. What they don't get is I wouldn't take a dime from them now even if they offered, and their huge gifts of money to my sister all the time are just blatant, in my face acts of favoritism. My mom does not get how that looks (well I think she does, cause she lies to me about it). And yes, she covers it by acting like my sister is so poor. She's a teacher and he's a cop, and until now no kids. I guarantee they have tons more disposable money then us. We choose to be very diligent with ours, right now about 50% of our income actually goes to our mortgage because we want in gone in 48 months. But does that mean she deserves so much from them? Ack! They make me so mad!

Kristin L

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I'm sorry Rae, Deborah and Raisin. I'm sending bug hugs your way.

Isabel

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Rae, I am so sorry to hear that. This type of situation is sooo common. But let me throw out to you the fact that they probably don't "favor" her over you...they think that she is weaker and can't take care of herself. They feel that you will be fine and manage, but that for whatever reason, she cannot. And she then feeds into it. They see her as "too delicate " fragile to handle anything. It is NOT a reflection on you , at all, it is a statement about her. ANd it is not as positive as you think.

There is a great book, The Millionaire Next Door , that does an entire chapter on this. They call it "outpatient care". Parents who continue to take care of adult children because they see them as too weak to handle their own business. Once you feel better, talk to your parents. Ask your dad if he feels that she cannot take care of herself. What you need to be careful for is that they and she don't start to expect YOU to take care of her.

hang in there sweetie.

Glory

Veteran

No real advice but feeling peeved on your behalf. I am not really sure you can change any of the actions from the family - the only part you get to control is you and how you decide to manage it. I would be upset and angry also and I totally think that is normal. xo

Raisin

Veteran

Sorry, I just read back though my posts and realized all I did was rant myself rather than offer you any advice. I guess it just hit a sore spot for me too.

My advice is let them know it hurts your feelings, and you are aware of the favoritism. It's better to have it out there. If they continue to do it and hide it like my mom does, well at least they will know why you're mad. Also, you can't change other people, and I've just learned to let it go. I try not to spend all my time with them so I don't get so resentful, and when I do visit, I take it for what it is, try to enjoy my time, and not let the rest bother me.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Isabel, thanks for the validation. I saw the same solution. We even used the same word: parents favour one child because they see that child as more fragile.

I think this is exactly what happens. I don't think most parents INTEND to favour one child over another.

Rae, you say you never asked because you know the answer...but it's possible that what you think you know is not in fact the whole story. Also, your parents appear to have no idea about how hard you've worked and the sacrifices you've made. Why don't you tell them? At least it would get it out there, so the feelings of frustration don't fester. It's no good telling you "not to let it bother you", because what you feel is what you feel. You feel shafted, taken for granted. You feel like "second best". It's totally understandable why. But I think, based on what you've said, that your parents are not aware of how you feel.

MsMary

Veteran

Hugs, Rae!!

And BTW, your YLF Fairy Godmother can't post in this forum, but she wants you to check your email. There was a little money left in the "we love Rae" pot after buying the galaxy booties, and it's on its way to you to help with that plane ticket!!! Big hugs and remember you are OUR favorite!!! XXX OOO

Gaylene

Veteran

As a parent of two adult children, I can only say that it's not easy to always treat each child exactly the same, no matter how hard you try to keep things equal. So I'd second the comments from both Elisabeth and Isabel. It's perfectly possible that your parents see you as being self-sufficient and in control of your life now that you are working and happily married, even though the past few weeks have been difficult ones. Their current perception of your sister's situation might quite be different.

And Manidipa's comment about recognizing that your parents are fallible and might not always do the right thing is also quite true. Parents can love their children equally, but the way each child is treated can vary quite dramatically, especially if one child's personality traits consistently conflict with the parents' expectations and preferences.

One of the challenges of growing up is realizing that the relationship that you have as an adult child with your parents is quite different than the relationship that existed when you were dependent on them to fulfill your needs and likely sought their approval for the choices you made. From your comments, it seems that your sister's relationship is still in this dependent phase, but you have moved on to a more adult relationship with your parents. As an adult child, though, parental funding becomes a gift, not an expectation or a right. That's why I can't see much benefit to confronting your parents with your disappointment at their behavior; the risk of misinterpreting your questions is very high if either of you becomes defensive or emotional. A more productive action might be to figure out what kind of relationship you want with your parents (and your sister) as an adult--what expectations are realistic and what kinds of commitments do you want to make towards each other? Part of adulthood means you have the ability--and the right--to conduct your relationships in a way that satisfies you.

And, by the way, autonomy, self-sufficiency and compassion for the frailties of others are NOT deficiencies--they are characteristics of adulthood, and, in the long run, will serve you much better than a prolonged childhood. If your parents treat you differently because they see these qualities in you, I'd consider it a compliment.

rae

(website)

Veteran

Raisin, OMG, thank you times 1,000,000 for taking the time to share all that. Do not apologize, seriously, it really made me feel better - not because I want you to be hurt (actually, especially since I know what it is like, I am so sorry that you go through this), but because it kind of de-personalizes it, you know? And because now I don't feel so much like I am just a sour, petulant score-keeper. It IS impossible not to notice! Ugh, now I dread the day my sister gets married... we chose to marry for free, in a public park with 10 people, but if she chooses a large ceremony, I know my mom will get swept up in it.

Aziraphale, I have been down this road with them before... they just sort of live in fantasy land and always have. I will give them that a lot of times since they are now divorced they don't know exactly how much help she is getting from the other parent... For example, my dad will sometimes say that he and mom paid a lot for me to do cheerleading in high school, so now it's her turn. Except that my mom paid for HER to do soccer and vollyball at a *much* more expensive high school than I went to, and also paid for her to go on international trips. They know that she is working 2 jobs, but they don't know how much she gets paid or how much she spends on social activities. It's like I can't explain the situation to either of them without airing ev.er.y.one's dirty laundry, including my sister's. I did not speak to my mother for over a year for this very reason... she kept making loans to my sister and expecting me to shaker her down for repayment... what??

Gaylene, everything you say is true. They aren't perfect, and they have some forces working against them. When you ask what kind of relationship I want... I guess I don't want to swallow hurt every time I talk to them! It's useless to reason with them, so I just don't want it rubbed in my face - I would love for my dad not to say to me, "Hey, I was going to do something nice for you, but I'm going to choose your sister instead." Whether that means that their actions change or their access to ME has to change... well, we will see. :T

And finally, Mary and any Godmothers out there... speechless. I really do hope it was leftover from before, because I so did not post this to ask for anything. Someone on another thread mentioned the benefits of "other mothers," and that really resonates today. You guys feel like an extended family - just being able to talk about my fears here means so much. If anyone is familiar with Dr. Phil and his notion of a "soft place to fall," this is it for me. *hugs*

MsMary

Veteran

No worries, rae. There were a few coins left in the bottom of the box after the booties were bought, and I was waiting for just the right time and occasion to send them your way! And, well, this seemed to be it! You have a lot of Godmothers who love you!!

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Yay for leftovers from the fairy Fabmothers!
I also have some siblings who need more help and get it, from my mother. It doesn't make me mad, so much, as bewildered. My BF and I offered our house to my mom for free (just bills) twice on our moves to FL. The last time around all we heard was what was wrong with this or that . . . . anyway, it was like our gift was a curse we put on her. She moved out in a huff after not answering the phone for a week or two!
Meanwhile, a year or two prior, she had spent well over $10,000 trying to save one of my brothers from himself and his addictions. Came out of her inheritance, and she couldn't afford it. Even just this Xmas, spent another $300 on that brother's twin (who is hooked on his own stuff - sigh) knowing it wouldn't do anyone any good. She's on social security and unemployed. Living in a room literally with no windows.
So, yeah, I get the feelings of WTF?? But I also know there isn't much to be done about it really. For me, taking a step back was the best thing. No more 'here, come stay in our condo while we're gone' or offers to help. I wish her well, but can't, and won't try to, change her behavior.

Isabel

Veteran

Elisabeth, LOL ! I should have read the other posts first. I completely agree with you, of course. : )

Raisin, I am very sorry to "hear" all that. And you are right in that there is no use in trying to argue or discuss it. They have lost all perspective on it. Regarding your children, you can always say that grandma and grandpa feel that they "need" it more. But feeling will be hurt. It is a terrible situation all around.

Anonymous

Ah Rae, I am another unfavored child. Trust me, I know what you are going thru. I'm sending you a big ole hug.

Gaylene

Veteran

I sometimes think that parent-child relationships are a landmine of unfilled expectations and disappointments on both sides. It wasn't until I understood that my expectations for my sons were just that--my expectations, not theirs--and that they had their own ideas about how they were going to live their lives, that we were able to develop a satisfying relationship. And, I suppose, when my sons realized that their parents were just people with strengths and weaknesses, they were able to come to terms with the fact that we didn't, or couldn't, always live up to their expectations. Becoming parents also made a difference--although I smile when I hear their expectations and dreams for their own children--obviously, the cycle continues.

Rae (and Raisin and, it sounds like a host of others), your parents are adults who will make their own decisions, regardless of your feelings about the situation. You can't change that. It's not easy for the child to be the adult in this situation, but it might be the only way to continue with the relationship without feeling hurt all the time. It was hard to let go of my expectations for my sons, but my reward was a better relationship; it seems like a pretty good trade-off to me.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Oh Rae - (and Raisin, too) -

Big hugs. This is a hard situation.

And Rae -- emotions must be especially high now, with a family wedding, and all you have just recently been through. YAY for the Fairy Fabmothers, indeed....MaryK - you are the best!!!

My therapist once asked me a question that stunned me at the time. She said, "Have you ever thought that maybe you are better than your parents?"

WHAT????

You must understand, I grew up in a household where the phrase, "Who do you think you ARE?" was more common than "Good morning."

Me, better than them? I wasn't ALLOWED to think that.

I thought it was such a strange thing for her to say. How could it help me to think I was "better." Whatever "better" meant.

And yet. And yet. With this bizarre question, she woke me up to something important.

My parents, whatever their virtues, never grew up emotionally.

And I did.

So I was the adult in the relationship.

I wanted to be the child for a long time. I felt that it wasn't fair that I couldn't be the child. I didn't get my chance to be the child. And that's sad.

I think maybe that is what is happening to you.

It hurts, and it's not fair. But you are strong and you will find a path through it and to a different kind of relationship with them and your sister.

rae

(website)

Veteran

Gaylene, wise words. And to be honest, I KNOW I cannot expect certain behaviors from them. I do, however, expect certain treatment for myself... I suppose this falls into the "enforcing boundaries" category.

And SUZ! "Who do you think you ARE?" My gosh, does that ever bring back memories... very common in my house as well, and everything you said rings true for me. Will have to meditate on the "better than them" idea for sure.

Anonymous

Rae, I just wanted to send you a virtual hug. I haven't experienced this with my family so I won't try to fully understand what you are going through, It wouldnt be fair on your intelligence. It's obvious that there is a lot of love for you here on YLF xx

ironkurtin

Veteran

Rae, I was in therapy because of my relationship to my parents. My situation was very different from yours, but the emotional pain was of course just the same. Why were they like that? Couldn't they see how it hurt me? The moment I let go and stopped expecting validation or understanding was so empowering.

You cannot change your parents. All you can do is change your reaction to them.

Stop expecting them to be fair. Stop expecting them to understand what you went through. Telling them your feelings and expecting them to change will just keep the wounds open - they will not change and it will be doubly hurtful that you tried to talk to them and they still don't get it. Acknowledge that they are flawed and move on.

You are strong without them.

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