Update on my dad's "plan" - YouLookFab Forum

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Update on my dad's "plan"

April

Veteran

If you missed the initial thread, it's here: https://youlookfab.com/welookf.....long-sorry

You'll be shocked to learn that the number of jobs/chores/responsibilities my elderly dad is willing to farm out to a paid helper as my mother gets increasingly confused is zero.

He's going to "avoid 'the rocking chair' until forced to climb into it."

Time for Ms. Mary's speech.

Some progress: he actually mailed me the POA paperwork that puts me in charge of both my mother and father, should the other one be unable to make decisions. (Dad, you took the checkbook away from Mom after learning that she was sending multiple checks for things that were already auto-paid - now she's supposed to make decisions regarding your health, finances, and legal matters?)

Please keep me in your thoughts.

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18 replies

Latest reply was from Angie

tam

April I am in the same boat - dad 90, mom 85. I'm 1 of 3 children but the only one local with others living & working 100+ miles away with little time to help. If your parents have been independent and private as mine, coming days will be challenging. There seems to be limited solutions for those who want to "age in place" but sending thoughts and prayers for you to have the wisdom, patience and peace needed.

Helena

Veteran

Oh April, I'm so sorry for the stress of this situation. It is so hard. The role reversal of parents and children at a certain point just seems so cruel to everyone involved - adult children having to *try* to set boundaries for the people who once did the same. Will definitely keep you in my thoughts xx

NancyW

Veteran

The POA is a big and positive development. Good for you for making the case in a way that he could accept. Fingers crossed for you at it is a preview of coming attractions.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

So frustrating -- but the POA is definitely a step in the right direction. As Helena says -- it's so cruel to all involved and so confusing. Such a difficult tiime.

unfrumped

Veteran

So frustrating, and drives one crazy T think ahead to what could happen.

So— I agree that at least POA is a step.
If you feel it’s clear he’s not ready for more, and even to hear more, it’s better to take a breather. Talk about “ ordinary “ things at regular intervals, in case that does help keep the lines open and dad does not start feeling every conversation is a criticism— not tgst it is, but people can feel that way and start avoiding family or hiding what’s going on.

Continue to do your own research on resources, costs, agencies. Which of course has to be updated over time, but you’ll feel more in tune with the “ lingo”, who actually does what , where. Support groups for you also.

Laurie

Veteran

POA is very, very, very big and important. You'll be so glad this is in place first. ( I agree, your Mom should not be his first line POA at this point...the doctors will turn to you for any decisions, for sure)

I was in Scottsdale over the last 5 days and I actually thought about your parents being there. It was 114 degrees on Sat and 111 yesterday. Punishing. I don't know how elderly people, without fallback help, manage in that heat.

All advice above is good - keep researching, building your network of resources for them and you, and you'll be able to deal with the crises the best way possible as they come.

My entire heart goes out to you. PM me any time.

Cardiff girl

Veteran

A lot if us have or will be where you are now so please accept my heartfelt sympathy on your current situation.l will indeed keep you in my thoughts.

Indigoprint

Veteran

My Dad had a hard time accepting help as he was the one who helped everyone else. We went through many caretakers before we found the "one" and it was mostly because my mom took a shine to her so my dad "tolerated" her to honor my mom...then we started over for my dad.
I am at the other end of your journey ...so will definatley keep you in my thoughts.

rachylou

Veteran

POA is a big deal.

A little story for you… 20 years ago I started telling my mother she had to give up her car when I said so. 10 years ago I started suggesting a chair lift *before it was needed.* 2 years ago she started making a real move towards the lift. Last month after several abortive attempts over the past year, an electrical outlet was finally installed on the porch… I note that my mom’s electrician is almost the same age as her and doesn’t like to come to our house because of all the steps… *crying laughing.* I hope the car goes better than this.

You’re in my thoughts (!)

April

Veteran

I should clarify that I have been named on their POAs for at least 8 years. It's just that my dad wouldn't/didn't give me a copy until now.

Me in my head: You want me to agree to be in charge of "everything" but you won't give me the documents to tell me exactly what I agreed to? Is this a handshake drug deal?

Dad (out loud): "You'll know that when you need to know."
-----------------------------

I emailed him a gentle version of Ms. Mary's speech yesterday. I reinforced his wish to be independent and make decisions for the two of them but also pointed out that it would be wise to make those decisions/plans NOW so that he can have control over what happens "when the time comes" instead of having me make decisions on the fly.

We'll see what bounces back from that.

As always, your experience and support is so welcome! Thanks much.

Bijou

Veteran

April, you are handling this with great sensitivity to your parents... It is essential that you have a copy or know where to find the important stuff such as POA, wills, asset and liability summaries and tax records.

When we had to clean out my Dad's home office, the mountains of paperwork he retained were immense. Luckily in his final years we were able to introduce him to an amazing accountant who computerised all the essentials for Dad and helped with his tax records. Whilst Dad kept his written records for his own purposes, the essential financial information was known and readily available to us when we needed to take over management of his affairs.

unfrumped

Veteran

Read the POA document carefully to see what it covers. Some are just financial. Some have a healthcare section. In some states there’s a separation of powers for health care decisions to GIVE treatment vs to withhold/ withdraw.
In practical terms if you’re the only child & at the bedside then you’re the decision- maker even without a written healthcare decision- maker. But if multiple children then a consensus decision, or siblings choose a spokesperson, may be requested for end-of- life. Whereas consent to do an emergency procedure can often be whichever family member they can reach.

Probably TMI, but just tossing that out there.

rebekahphoto

Veteran

HI April,

Good to hear of the POA, its a little (but big) step! Watching our parents age is so hard, and alzhemimers/dementia is especially cruel.

I'm in a similar situation with my folks. My mom (77) has alzheimers, (she can no longer cook, follow tasks, etc, but is aware enough some days to know her "brain doesn't work right") and the long term plan was dad (79) was going to take care of her at home until she needed full memory care at a facility. My mom's mother and younger brother have both passed from alzheimers.

Then abruptly last Fall of 2022 my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer, (that has spread) so the the likelyhood is he will pass before her, we just dont know when (none of us do really?) . Luckily I found them a good elder law attorney and got set up POA and Medical POA, as well as a Financial Trust to take care of moms needs after my dad dies.

My folks are very independent and stubborn, so it has been a huge challenge to get them to accept care. First it was my husband an I doing most of the work, but after a few months dad finally realized they needed a caregiver to come each day (housecleaning, cooking, taking mom for walks, etc) for a few hours. I set up a meal plan so their friends each come once a week and bring dinner and they can have some social time--something they missed dearly during the pandemic

We just try to spend as much time together as possible, and I'm also trying to get all the bills and such in order, so that when the time comes there are few surprises.

bj1111

Veteran

Oh, April, your struggles are close to my heart.

I worry about you and your health during this time while you are so occupied with your parents’ health.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

That’s a small amount of good news April. I’m sorry about your Dad’s “plan”. Please keep us posted when it suits.

April

Veteran

He did reply to my "Ms. Mary" note. I had ended by saying "Please think about what I'm saying" and his response was, "I will, thanks"

UF, I have 3 siblings. One has substance issues and no longer speaks to the other 3 of us; one has weak financial judgment and not great relations with my dad; one has been more or less rejected by my parents since leaving a hetero marriage and coming out as gay (nearly 20 years ago.) So April it is! And yes, the POA covers health, legal, and financial issues

I note that the substance-user is the backup for me. My dad recognizes that this is unwise but is unwilling to pay $1500 (his estimate) to get it corrected. I would offer to pay the attorney's fee but my worry is that he'll get on his "we don't need your stinkin' charity" high horse.

MsMary

Veteran

Oof! I'm rooting for you, April!! This stuff is hard!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Oh, April. It's all very hard. And I greatly empathize. We went through years of this with 3 of our parents. From afar. It's extremely stressful and my thoughts are with you.

POA rocks. Glad you got that far. One day at a time. xo