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Asking people whose parents have had dementia (long, sorry)

April

Veteran

Hello, YLF. I know a number of you have had parents with dementia, and some of you have been the caregivers for those parents.

My parents are both still living but my father (86) is relatively intact while it seems fairly obvious that my mother (same age) is following her dad's footsteps down the Alzheimer's path. They are thousands of miles away from me so I will not be doing any caregiving. I'm just trying to provide moral support to my dad. My mother had cognitive testing in May that will be repeated in November - since I am a testing psychologist I can help them understand the results, what they do and don't mean.

My mother is understandably terrified (we don't say the D word, she just says "I'm so stupid now!" and I say "That sounds scary") and my dad is equally terrified, because she was always the boss of everything except breadwinning at all times.

What am I asking? Mostly I need my dad to make some serious plans for her care BEFORE it's an emergency, and he seems to have made none. I keep reminding him that all it would take for their independent lifestyle to screech to a halt is for him to have problems in his right leg that mean he can't step quickly on the car brake. He's a deeply stubborn Gary Cooper type but will listen to such things from me because I have my own disabilities and have broken several bones from falls in the past 5 years. Any advice on how to get him to consider this now would be so helpful.

I think Dad's plan is that he will live forever and just keep doing everything for their household but we all know this is a wish and not a plan. They also have an 80-pound Labrador who must be cared for - and is currently in the Cone of Shame after his own surgery.

My parents have four children but I'm the only one in a position to help my dad cope with this.

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42 replies

Latest reply was from Laurie

MsMary

Veteran

Oh, April, this is hard!

I have a story to tell you, which I urge you to share with your parents: When my parents got to be in about the shape your parents were in, I begged them to make a plan for what would happen when my Dad wasn't able to care for my mom (in their case her issues were physical, but similar situation with him basically keeping things going). They went away and put their heads together, and came back and said, and I quote, "our plan is to be carried out of here feet first."

Well. They executed that plan. A couple of years later my dad was taken ill and he was indeed taken out of the house feet first. And my mom was, too, on the same day. Only problem was, they were both still alive at the time. My dad was in the hospital for months, my mom couldn't live on her own, there was no room in their very small condo for a caregiver, so it fell to me to run all over town and find temporary care for my mom and then find an assisted living placement for both of them. It was horrible and stressful and the worst part was that my parents were SO ANGRY at me for "making" them move out of their home into a place not of their choosing.

So. My advice to you is to sit with your dad and say "Dad, I know this is scary and sad, and I know none of us likes to think about this kind of thing, but what you need to be crystal clear about is that when you fail to plan, you are in fact making a plan. And that plan is for me to figure out what to do on the fly. And it will be horrible for me, it will be horrible for you, and I guarantee you that whatever I choose is not going to be as much to your liking as a plan you come up with for yourself, in advance."

He may well be incapable of dealing with it, and in that case you will have to take it on, but at least you can get on top of things in advance and run things by him so it won't come as a complete surprise to him when the time comes.

Big hugs. I always say "I've been divorced twice, but the elder care emergency was absolutely the worst thing I've ever gone through."

Bonus pic of the two of them the day they were reunited at their assisted living apartment after being apart for three months.

Feel free to send me a private message if you want to talk further.

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Dee

Veteran

My goodness April and Ms. Mary, this is exactly what I'm going through too.

My mom has moderate dementia and my dad is taking care of them both in their own townhouse. I live a few hours away. We have pleaded with my dad to even bring in some help but they've sent whatever help was arranged away because my mom refuses to have strangers in the house. I can see that my dad is getting worn down by this, he has health issues too, but you're right Ms Mary, it will be chaos if something were to happen to him. My mom refuses to move anywhere else and my dad doesn't want to force it. So there we are, stuck waiting for the worse to happen.

Sorry I'm no help, but this is a real problem for so many of us.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Oh, I have no advice for you, as my circumstances were much different. I lost my dad (when I was quite young) to his fourth heart attack, and mom rather suddenly many years later, but I did care for mom, by myself, during a few times of health issues (compounded by her mental health challenges of anxiety attacks and agoraphobia). But I’m reading your and MsMary’s stories with so much compassion and sympathy. It’s so hard! Just wanted to let you know you have my best wishes with you as you navigate this time. Hugs!

Indigoprint

Veteran

My parents were similar. My dad promised my mom he would take care of her, and he kept that promise. Difference being my mom did have a diagnosis however that infuriated her and she became agitated easily.
My dad had some things in place but a book that my husband found was his favorite. Coach Broyles Playbook for Alzheimer's Caregivers.
In home care was invaluable and once we found the right fit (cuz my parents were like Dee's) that helped my dad a lot...we went through many caregivers until we found the "one".

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

April, my late Papa had dementia for the last 7 years of his life. He died in the middle of the pandemic in 2021 at age 89. We had to move him to an assisted living facility in the Netherlands in 2020 before vaccinations and under very strict COVID protocols. All while I was in the US, my brother in London, and Papa in the Netherlands. It was the second most stressful time in my life. It was a horrendous time. Thank goodness my brother and I are fluent in Dutch.

My Mama died 23 years ago, so not the same situation as you. Yet I have many stories to share of how we overcame tremendous challenges from afar. It might be helpful. Feel free to DM me and we can chat about it in detail.

I have enormous empathy for people going through similar challenges with their aging parents. My heart goes out to you. Best of luck.

unfrumped

Veteran

This is so heartbreaking as well as frustrating and difficult for both parents and adult children. I dealt with such issues with each of my parents who had divorced and lived separately.

I think it’s good to be thinking of ways to talk with your parents, mainly dad, but that you should also , if you haven’t already, do a lot of research and educate yourself on what are various options. If you think siblings can participate that’s great but you may already know how that would play out.
You’ll need info from people or organizations who actually know the legal, financial aspects and various scenarios as resources available.

In particular, the financial aspects can be daunting as most options ( meaning living facilities of all sorts) are not covered by any sort of insurance. So solutions that require moving to a dedicated “ facility “ for meals, meds, personal assistance and so on are quite expensive monthly, and unaffordable for many people unless there are significant assets like an expensive home to sell and/or healthy retirement income and investments. Of course, bluntly, it depends on how long assisted living or NH care is required. So, sometimes there can be intermediate options for a visiting caregiver and other assistance.

More basic things you could explore with your parents are a will, a Living Will and healthcare decision- maker, power of attorney for you if you expect to be “ the one”. Some POA documents list both financial POA and a section for healthcare POA but sometimes these are done separately, and families have been surprised to not have one of the other in a crisis.

I think you’ll need to have conversations face-to-face, and in addition that’s often the only way to assess what’s going on, so probably you are already making some of those trips.

April

Veteran

Wow, you all are making me cry (in the good way) with your wisdom and empathy.

There are a few complicating factors in play here.

1. My mother doesn't love having my dad talk to me on the phone. He generally waits until she's asleep and then steps outside or whispers. We can, and must, Zoom some of these conversations, but he would have to find a computer at one of his volunteer jobs.

2. My dad has burned many family bridges, generally by sharing his religious disapproval or ugly (to the youth) politics, and therefore most of his 6 grandchildren aren't eager to speak to him. He also has 3 step-grandchildren, whom he has never acknowledged as family and does not wish to.

I am learning so much about what to guard against in old age. In any age. Isolation, grudge-holding, wow the list goes on.

unfrumped

Veteran

That does make it even tougher.

Sometimes the “ go our feet first” is just an initial defense mechanism but of course it can persist! I’ve had lots of patients, when given advice for a certain treat, medication, or preventive measure, say, “ oh well, if /when it’s my time to go, so be it”. Because they couldn’t or wouldn’t imagine that no, you won’t always just “ go”, but will have that heart attack , stroke, whatever that just debilitates you.

Sometimes one doesn’t yet get a family member to create and execute an actual plan or documents, but you can have open- ended “ what if “ conversations about simpler situations and a vs b, so that there’s less pressure , it’s more hypothetical ( which it is anyway at a planning stage) and you get closer to the persons values & preferences. In particular, if your dad sees himself as the caregiver then he is probably struggling with motivations to help your mother, which might include getting help & planning ahead, but also feeling like he should be the one to do everything himself. Plus I know how people react to paying for things they think they can ( or should) do themselves!
For some medical things, sometimes not using a scary critical situation but just temporary things like, if someone were given some medication for a procedure , so couldn’t express themselves and Dr. had to ask a family member for permission to do this or that, who to call. ( that’s more if the “ who” would be in question, but you may already be emergency contact). I can see isolation being a big issue because some older people are seeing things that their friends have gone through, and have reactions to how that went, & those can be used as starting points. Or have visited friends or family in various living situations/ facilities and can say what they like ( or hate!) about it.
Or sometimes just getting housekeeping help is a start. But how well I know the parent reaction of, I’m doing just fine here! Or habits/ personality that make it difficult to use typical services from the “ phone book” & would require a specific caregiver or housekeeper. Though if you can find the right trustworthy person like that, it can be a blessing including “ boots on the ground “.

This isn’t meant to be scary, but to raise ideas that might suggest various ways to create a connection or conversation . But of course there are so many tough obstacles in any individual situation.

anchie

Veteran

We are currently dealing with similar issues with my mother in law. My FIL passed away in 2011, and my MIL is 87 and was just recently diagnosed with Alzheimer and started on medications that should hopefully slow down the process. She lives in different country than us, and we can’t just easily visit her. My husband just spent the month with her, trying to assess her needs and organize her life. He hired someone that will come every day to check on her and make sure that she has taken her medications. He also installed cameras in her apartment so that we can keep an eye on her from afar over the internet. Unfortunately she is resisting everything, saying that she is ok, that she can still do everything on her own, that she doesn’t need help and is refusing to even talk about moving to nursing home. But she is getting aggressive, paranoid, and progressively forgetful. So we are currently not sure what to do, how long we can have this status quo, will my husband need to move there permanently to take care of her or what other choices we have. Can we force her to accept arrangements against her will? It is very stressful.

ophelia

Veteran

Alz Association runs a forum which you may find helpful. Caveat: when I was using it, most people were very pro-placement, which is not the best option for everyone. But it was helpful to read questions & answers, resources tried, & to vent & get support.
https://alzconnected.org/?_ga=.....S41Mi4wLjA.

kkards

Veteran

No real advice as my dad died after a 2 year illness but before becoming truly disabled/unable to care for himself. And 2 years after that my mom moved into a senior community that has rehabilitation, nursing home and dementia units. I’m hoping we’ll not need the nursing home or dementia unit but are fortunate that they are available .
What I will say is my mom was on a waitlist for her community for 9 months. And the current waitlist is closed. So even though they are not open to moving, I’d try to find something you think could work and get on the waitlist. My moms community allows you to say no 3 times before you lose your place in line. They might feel differently when/if a spot opens up.
Good luck and know that you are doing a great job

Kyle

Veteran

It’s incredibly hard to watch our parents lose their health and their independence. Basically what happens is that you reverse roles, and they start to become the children to your parent. As such, I recommend laying out the potential consequences (of action and inaction) to both you and your parents, so they are able to make an informed decision. I would be sure to express how their choices have the potential to impact you and your siblings, too, since most parents say they don’t want to be a burden to their kids. I think Ms.Mary has summarized how this conversation might go quite nicely.

cjh

(website)

Veteran

My heart goes out to you in this difficult situation. We have gone through this. Perhaps the hardest part was hearing over many years, “when I need to go to the home, just take me there”, implying there would be agreeable conversation at the least. But stubborn independence, refusal to admit they couldn’t care for themselves or the house or yard any more, and also not willing to allow anyone in to help, except DH who couldn’t do it all in any case. It wasn’t good they lived in a small rural town with barely any senior or medical support or even meals or groceries! All the relatives they didn’t want to leave were also old, ill and dying, or young enough to have their own elders or careers and families to care for. MIL became mean, insulting and accusatory. They both said they wanted to die at home and they could take care of each other. As unfrumped says, it’s not such an easy exit.

We read all the advice online, talked to all our friends in the same boat, and basically, just knowing everyone else is in the boat is pretty much the only encouragement we had at the high crisis time.

It did make a small difference to say DH couldn’t do it all and they would be doing a nice thing for him to go where help was built in, as Kyle says above. Eventually they just had no choice and were pretty much strong armed into moving. It was stressful and distressing and sad and angry, but fortunately it turned out okay. FIL passed away four months after they moved - his health was worse than we knew - surprise, surprise. Still helping 96-year-old MIL from 45 miles afar, but she’s in assisted living, has a safe place, good nutrition, nurse supervision, activities, and knows how to use a cell phone, e-mail and can still see, read and almost hear things.

Aquamarine

Veteran

I’m going through something very similar with my Mom and it’s been quite traumatic for a number of reasons and on a number of fronts. (I am convinced my doctor will say I have high blood pressure at my physical next month…it’s been that stressful.)

The only good thing in all of this is that I am determined NOT to do this to my children. My parents never saw anyone get this old, so they never had a realistic view of very old age.

DonnaF

Veteran

Let us all vow that we will never put our kid(s) through what our parents have.

When it became pretty obvious that my mom couldn’t take care of herself or her large house, I moved her into a senior living facility where she could get her meals and housekeeping. It was quite a struggle. I think she lasted there three months or maybe four. While I was out of town due to my brother-in-law’s death, she moved herself back into her house. Her big complaint? Too many Republicans at the facility which also had a Democratic Club. Sheesh! Plus, she was more a Biden Democrat than a Bernie Dem so we’re talking pretty mainstream here. Any excuse.

She eventually died at home alone with it 100+ degrees inside because the maintenance company she had hired had connected the AC to the heat.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

I’m with unfrumped (same profession). So many people want to just die in their sleep! It happens occasionally but overall very rarely and what my own parents-in-law aged 87 and 92 say “We’d like to be taken out of here in a box” is so unlikely. So we are facing a similar situation with them although it is physical poor health rather than dementia.
I agree with all the advice so far about trying to get powers of attorney for both financial and personal health issues covered, living wills if possible, etc. and I also often tell the adult children to recognise in advance that their dementing parents may hate them for a while and to become emotionally prepared for that- this does seem to help them to realise that beforehand.

Bijou

Veteran

April, please take care of yourself as dealing with this is tough and this may be a marathon.

At 68 my Mum had a stroke and was paralysed down one side and whilst Dad was dealing with neurologists for her, he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. So there they were with two horrible and chronic conditions and were in it for a 10 year period. As one of 4 children, I was lucky to share the load with my siblings, but we were all shattered, it felt like death by a thousand cuts. My brother and I had joint financial power of attorney and my sister had power of guardianship. If possible it is good if these roles can be separated and best to be set up whilst the person has all of their faculties.

My DH’s parents are in their 80’s, I’m dreading going through round two of this. All I can say is this is an issue that most of us have to face, with our parents and for ourselves, it helps to share these experiences. Wishing you strength in this tough leg of your journey.

pirouette

As others have said this is a very tough situation. My story is very like Bijou’s. My mother had a stroke and became physically paralysed on one side and cognitively impaired. My Dad had cancer at the same time and they lived about 200 miles from me. We got my mother into a nursing home and supported my Dad living alone he was fiercely independent and continued to drive even though his eyesight was very poor. It was as others have said the most stressful time of my life and it certainly affected my own health. The good news is my mother loved the nursing home and was very happy and lived for 10 years there.

My Dad died after only one year living alone he refused any help at home and remained fiercely independent till the end.

Olive Green

Veteran

My increasingly vague father refused to go into a nursing home and basically wore out my mother, who had her own long term health issues. This in spite of having an adult son living in the same house, different flat. Dad then refused to honor the DNR for mom (who was real clear) and the result was just awful. Horror movie stuff. Get your hands on the power of attorney and enforce the DNR if there is one in place. So tough either way.
He is quite gone mentally and now in his late 90’s, loves his nursing home.
It infuriated us all, which is a difficult emotion to have at an already rough time, but I am coming to recognize that it is seldom sane or easy dealing with reduced mental capacity, especially accompanied by physical issues.
And, I am at this point myself, with a husband in his early eighties with a progressive disease. His mental capacity is probably better than mine, but physically, I am a caretaker. I gave up on tree cutting and most heavy yard maintenance this year. Hiring out is a lifesaver. I have limited energy. We are lucky to have the means to get some help, I peruse Zillow and can tell where the old people aged in place and were taken out feet first, funny that! and the house and grounds are in ruins, they simply stopped being able. It’s an odd thing for previously capable people to face.
We both have DNR’s, are considering moving to an end of life state, and have no expectations whatsoever of receiving help from family. Thank god.
So appreciated this thread, and Ms Mary pretty much nailed it.

cjh

(website)

Veteran

I might this add in describing our experience. Since we had succeeded in obtaining financial power of attorney for DH from both FIL and MIL, as soon as they moved from their house, we had a big sale of the furnishings, mower, tools, and listed the house for sale, knowing it would be a disaster if they or MIL tried to move back. This was not done behind their backs. MIL helped sort and chose recipients of many special items, and FIL was very interested in how much his mower and tools brought. But selling the house, a huge task, was a big relief to all.

ChristelJ

Veteran

So sorry you must deal with this very common situation; it's so hard. My parents were open to the idea of a care facility "some day" but they were forced by a series of medical crisis to move suddenly to one they had not chosen. Beds are not always available when one needs them, so my advice would be the same as kkards says, to get on a waiting list, if your dad would be willing to do that. My mom is still living and loves her facility now after a period of adjustment. Maybe see if your dad would be willing to visit a couple places even if he thinks it's not an immediate need? I feel for you. I'm an only child living across the country from my mom and my life is now centered on traveling to help her whenever possible. It helps so much that she loves her community and having her meals cooked for her!

cat2

Veteran

This is such a painful stage. Do have a candid chat with your dad about whether they have the documents pulled together so that things will go the way they want them to. I had to nudge my dad into updating his will; he had an old one that was very out of date. The lawyer then got him to focus on the durable powers of attorney for healthcare and financial matters and the DNR forms needed in our state. I also had to nudge him into accepting help; we started with a gardener, and then a handyman.

Minaminu

Veteran

April, I really wish I'd have some words of consolation but I am just in awe of all the above comments and it's really lovely to hear that this experience is part of life for so many of us.

Both Mr Minu and I had ageing parents living in a different countries. His mum was a very independent and strong lady and once it was confirmed that she had dementia, she put a plan in place for when she was no longer able to look after herself. Her mum had dementia too and she had to look after her whilst living abroad, she did not want Mr Minu to experience that. It took away a lot of stress and heart breaks.

For a while, we were commuting between the three countries until his mother passed away. Nowadays I still try to visit my elderly parents every 2 months, which is stressful as mine do not want to make any plans for the future. I am aware that they are not ageing well and don't have a great relationship with them, particularly with my dad as we are so different. He was a military man and kept his radical and old fashioned views which have negatively affected my mum too. It saddens me that despite his selfish behaviour, controlling nature (in all aspects, from the way she looks to the financial side) and many other issues, she is still on his side! She would love to downsize and move to suitable environment but it is not possible with him.

I tried to have conversation as MsMary suggested and he was so enraged that I feared for my safety. My sister is the only person who can handle him as he always had a soft spot for her, but I appreciate that it is a heavy burden for her.

I'll keep an eye to this thread as I am hoping I'll learn from the experiences in this forum.

kinnick

The good news is that your father is not in denial about your mother’s diagnosis. In the early stages of Alzheimers people can make some very trusting poor choices with money. I have seen contents of retirement accounts donated to a “good cause” or used for new “investments”. Your father’s awareness puts is in a position to make sure this doesn’t happen.

Since your mother has an Alzheimers diagnosis the graduated care facilities that will accept your parents as a couple are more limited. Each stage of the Alzheimers decline gets more expensive. When you get to full on last stage memory care you are easily at more than $10,000 a month (in the Pacific Northwest) for one person. By that time many people will have run out of money and will need a place that takes Medicare/Medicaid so when you are looking for the first facility be sure to find one that ultimately takes Medicare/Medicaid. A married couple must use ALL of their money (savings) before they qualify. This means that one partner’s care expenses can wipe out both of their savings. I am assuming your parents do not have long-term care insurance which has its own set of problems. Also, I have heard that some states can force children to cover some of their parents care expenses. That was not an issue for me so I can’t speak to it

If I sound like I am focused on money that is not the case. I think others have covered the pain and anguish that is so much a part of this problem. It does sound like you are going to end up with a lot of the responsibility for your parents. I tried warning everyone in my family that if they didn’t step up in the early days then I would not take care of everything when things went badly wrong. Of course, I didn’t hold myself to that boundary. If you want to follow that path with your father (and family?) then you may need to see a therapist as well as get legal advice as it is a hard road.

I think the hardest part of longer, serious illnesses is that being a caretaker is so difficult that for a while most of your memories and feelings are negative. That does pass and the good memories come back.

Anonymous

Dh and I are caregivers too, luckily no dementia, but other issues. It's the part of aging that no one warns you about...Adult 2.0 :/ You think you're an adult at 18, but then when you're the one responsible for your parents- that's a Whole New Level.

I'd suggest reaching out to your local senior center, because they'll know of all of the different resources in the area.

April

Veteran

Thank you all so much for chiming in. I'm aware that every single person I know with a living parent is dealing with some form of these issues, but it helps a lot to hear from my YLF community.

Some things I should have mentioned at the start:

1. My mother has an unusually lucky situation financially. In the 1970s she did some private-duty nursing for a Pittsburgh billionaire and in his will, he directed that every person who ever worked for him would have all their medical expenses paid for for the rest of their lives. Now the trick is to get my father to ask them the right questions: what exactly WILL they pay for? Thus far, he won't give me the contact info because he says, "I'm the one they know, they won't talk to you." MAKE SURE THEY KNOW ME TOO, DAD.

2. Mr. A and I know that even when seniors think they have done everything right (enrolling in Medicare, buying LTC insurance) when push comes to shove, these plans pay for almost nothing. My late mother-in-law's LTC policy would pay for someone to help her with dressing three times per week. Huh. Medicare will pay for seniors to have a nurse clip their toenails 5 times per year. Per year.

I am painfully aware of the waitlist issue and the dramatic reduction in options once dementia is on the table. My late MIL had Lewy Body dementia and was violent and terrorizing all her help, thus her first memory unit expelled her after she smashed glass in the hallway, physically attacked staff, and scared the Alzheimer's patients by pointing her cane at them like a machine gun. Not fun. Once my FIL found a different place willing to take her, their conditions were that she could stay IF she had nursing aides with her 24-7 to manage her behavior. Thus on top of the $11K per month my FIL was paying to house and feed her, he was paying for 24-7 aides and all the other things that go along with a mind and body that no longer function.

Despite these lessons from 10 years ago, my FIL thus far flatly refuses to put his name on a waiting list anywhere. So yes, we're getting it from both sides here, but it has been made clear to me that my help and ideas are not welcome on the Mr. A side.

The good news (there is some): I texted my dad today and told him we needed to schedule a "planning Zoom".

ETA: for anyone who's been here with me, is here now, or fears being in this situation in future, I cannot recommend highly enough Roz Chast's graphic memoir, "Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?" Brilliant, honest, unflinching, tragic, hilarious... Run, don't walk.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Oh, April. I just read this thread. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and my heart goes out to you.

You've already received wonderful advice and I have nothing of value to add except a "hear hear" to Donna's suggestion of a joint vow that we never put our own kids through this.

My own parents are gone now, and thankfully did not suffer with dementia. "Accidents" felled them, i.e. disasters waiting to happen because they refused all help, except whatever my brother (in the same town) or I (3 hours away) could provide. We did our best. They did, at least, allow a cleaner in, and after my mother broke her tibia she accepted occupational therapy. But that was pure luck -- she just happened to like that therapist. They shooed everyone else away. And my parents were not amenable to the kind of conversation Ms. Mary proposed, either -- although, to her credit, my mother did update her will after my dad died. And to his credit, my dad had left a simple will, which -- once we found it (ha ha -- you can imagine the back story) did not include any awful surprises.

There was a long and horrible hospital stay for my dad (actually two hospital stays, because one fall wasn't enough for him) but my mother's hospitalization was mercifully brief.

I'm so glad that at least some of your mother's expenses will be paid -- what a lucky break, if it works out! Agreeing wholeheartedly with your plan to get them to talk to you as well. I hope some of this will work out.

Also, love Roz Chast. You might also enjoy Tangles, by my friend Sarah Leavitt. It's about her mother's death from early onset Alzheimer's and is sad and funny and furious at times.

MsMary

Veteran

Oh, and while we're giving recommendations of books, etc, there's a great podcast called "Let's Not be Kidding" by a man whose mom has Alzheimer's. It's equal parts funny and heartbreaking and I just loved it.

Laurie

Veteran

Oh April. I'm living this nightmare right now. My story is a lot like Mary's - both of my parents ended up in the hospital this summer at the same time. Mom went to a senior multi-level facility when she was released, but Dad didn't make it there, and passed away 2 weeks later.
Are your parents still in the Pgh area? DM me, I'll tell you about the beautiful place where my mother is now (furious at me, FURIOUS. But it is beautiful and new, and one of the nicest places anyone with experience with senior living has ever seen).

I tried for 9 years to get my parents to discuss, and plan. They refused every single attempt, until we were in crisis.

I am re-reading Roz Chast's memoir "Can't We Please Talk About Something More Pleasant?" right this very minute! I went to a reading when she was on book tour with it, and have a signed copy. I only leafed through it back then, and thru the lens of what my husband had recently gone through with his folks. But it is certainly resonating like crazy right now. Very poignant.

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