Laurie, if only. They moved to Arizona in 1982, “fotty yeahs ago" as my dad says.

There are many facilities near them and many would welcome their dog too. What I would love to see is my dad going to one with her and the dog NOW so she can adjust while he's still alive.
They could keep their little house and go to it every day if they wanted to.

Or they could enjoy the comfort of someone else handling meals, cleaning, etc.

He would hate that idea for sure but eventually he might also see it as a relief.

April, my sister’s in-laws kept their home for one year while they acclimated to assisted living (which was down the street from where they lived!). At first, they only stayed for dinner at the facility. Then they started moving a few chairs into the apartment, followed by a TV. Finally they moved the bed and put the house on the market. The kids were very patient during this time, even though they likely lost some money on the sale of the house (it would have sold for more a year earlier).

Over the past two years, my mother's "plan" has been if something happens to dad, she'll just find a nice lady from church who will move into dad's office in their house and do all the things my dad does.

Of course, this lady will be willing to do everything for free in exchange for living rent-free in a house that is not in great shape. She will be able-bodied, a good driver willing to drive my mother to her endless doctor appointments, willing to take care of their large dog and do all the housework. And they'll never get on each other's nerves.

I've heard less of this fantasy, er, plan recently as Mom gets more confused, frail, and afraid. Thank heavens!

The fantasies that my mother has come up with are endless....and people say such idiotic things. "I'll come to your house every night and take care of you!" Yeah, no. My sister and I literally had to confront the "friend" who made that little, empty promise. My mother is telling everyone that she is in a nursing home, to get their mis-guided sympathy. OMG - it is the opposite! In fact, though it has independent, assisted, and memory care living, this place doesn't even have skilled nursing!

As for "finding a person"...during this summer's nightmare, my father was released from the hospital, only to return 4 days later. During that time my mother was taken to the hospital by ambulance. My Dad was unstable and disoriented (hallucinating, as it turned out, due to a massive dose of prednisone), and I was alone in the house with him and needed to get a few hours of sleep so I desperately hired a service to be available through night. Only 2 nights of this convinced me that I will never hire, manage, or have in-home care for my mother or ourselves. Aging in place is off the table. Within hours, the agency was reneging on who would show up, their levels of experience, etc.. And, it is much, much more expensive to have 24x7 in home care, than even the most costly senior communities.

It's amazing how universal this situation is....I'm very depressed about it for all of us, really. And, guys, it's terrifying to think of what is ahead for ourselves because, really, our society here in America is fully unprepared to care for the aged. Or to acknowledge that aging exists, most of the time.

April, the idea of him helping her move, but being able to go back to the house for a while if that is feasible, provides a transition step. I hope he will consider it. Getting care for your Mom is top priority at this point.

Yes, Laurie, 24/7 hired care is a fantasy and crazy expensive compared to all the other options…at least in the U.S. The expectations (some of) the elderly <ahem> have are fantastic too. “Maybe a grandchild will move in and take care of me and the <4 bedroom on an acre of land> house.”

I must gently yet firmly get my dad to start looking into all options and FIND OUT WHAT IS COVERED BY THE BILLIONAIRE'S BEQUEST.

He keeps dodging my "Do you know if that's covered?" questions but also won't give me the contact info to just ask the questions myself.

I agree about the finances. No great advice on how to get the information, but just glad you are aware of how that can be an easy diversion to avoid realistic discussions. Promises are cheap, wills and wording can be very specific or limited and can be contested. The devil is in the details! Living facilities aren’t “medical care” which is why they aren’t covered by typical insurance. Medicare never covers nursing homes either- only Medicaid, which then also doesn’t cover assisted living. The other thing people don’t realize is that NH’s typically have a specified number of “ Medicaid beds” and when those are full, even if you spend down/ qualify financially, you may have to wait, or start out as self- pay, or broaden the search ( location, quality) to ones that have openings.

Just keep making a list of important questions, information and work through it as time and energy ( and cooperation) allows. And find ways to switch off to happier thoughts and activities along the way.

Oh April and all that are going through this with their parents...it's a very hard time of life, for them and for you.

My parents have been gone nearly ten years now. They died a year and a half apart and were very old. Though my father had Parkinson's the last five years of his life, he didn't have dementia. My mother cared for him along with home health help which they had paid into an insurance plan when they were younger. I lived on the opposite side of the US but went to visit twice a year and stayed for weeks at a time with them.

Prior to my fathers illness, all of us kids...there are four daughters left now...tried to talk to them about living in a smaller place, closer to town. They had retired to a solar house in rural New Hampshire, with a wood stove, not an easy existence for anyone. Or what would happen if one of them passed before the other. They were absolutely not interested in having any of these conversations. They didn't fight with us, they just didn't engage the subject.

In my case, it turned out my parents were right to stay put where they were. And not to listen to any of our concerns. And we were right to trust them to know what they needed. It would have just been a battle anyway, and really it was their business, not ours. When they became more house bound with my fathers illness, the huge windows that looked out on the woods, and southern light streaming in in their own home, surrounded by things they loved, provided more comfort for both of them than being in some small, expensive assisted living place (like my in laws were living in). Home nurses and physical therapists, and eventually for both of them, hospice nurses, were only too willing to come to them. As well as their friends, church members and neighbors. They were participators in their small town. They both died at home, surrounded by people who loved them. For all of us, it was a special time, for us to be with them and for them who never wanted to be in a nursing home or hospital.

I realized that some of my concerns were to prolong their life and their concern was only to have their last years comfortable and together.

Of course with dementia, it's a different matter, one must step in. My heart goes out to any of you dealing with that.

UPDATE: spoke briefly to my dad yesterday. He said, "She'll stay with me as long as she can."

Me: Of course, Dad, but please please please ask your contact at the foundation if they will cover some in-home help so that you can have a break.

If my dad tells my mother she must accept an in-home person for at least four hours a day so he can take a break from the strain of worrying if she's fallen, if she's forgotten her meds, yadda yadda yadda, she might do it, despite her "I don't want strangers in my house" refrain.

Laurie, if you're still reading, hugs to you!! I was surprised to learn that a huge percentage of people who end up in assisted living, end up there as a result of a crisis.

Anyway, funny story about the furious parents: about six months after my parents were reunited in their new assisted living place, which was close to my house, they were at my home for Thanksgiving, along with several of my friends. One of my friends turned to my mom and said, "Milly, how did you come to be living in this town?" And my mom glared at me and said "We were just sitting in our home one day, DOING PERFECTLY WELL, and Ms.Mary came and said 'pack your bags, you're moving to my city FOR NO REASON!!" Heh...

MsMary, I am avidly following along. You sound just like Roz Chast! To hear my mother tell it, everything was fine, nothing needed to change, and "you know, they do NOTHING for me here (for all this money)!"

Meanwhile she is doing better, and looks better than she has in 2 years, after 2 months of being handed her 14 pills in the morning, and 7 at night, PT on site, meals prepared, happy hour (every day), and no running and up down the basement stairs doing 28 loads of laundry a day. Her take: she is PERFECTLY FINE to go back to living at her house! Arrrrrgggghhhhh.

Yep, we go through this living hell FOR NO REASON!

April I don’t know how I stumbled on this tonight but I am happy to learn I am not alone. Mine is not elderly parents. It is my husband. He was diagnosed 6 months ago with dementia. He is angry and will blow up in a heartbeat. It is hard. When I try to discuss LTC he screams he doesn’t have dementia. He argues with the Drs. The therapists everyone. This is definitely a journey. I have hired a new housekeeper who comes once a week because the old one couldn’t cope. All this to say I am thinking about you and I know how difficult this is as a caregiver. I hope your Dad gets some relief soon.

Thank all of you for the book recommendations.

Haven't scrolled back up to see if Atul Gawande's "Being Mortal" is on the book recommendation list in this thread, but I'm deeply into my re-read of this outstanding book about the failure of the US medical industry to deal adequately with end of life. Very interesting discussion of the evolution of senior living concepts and facilities.

Recommend this book to anyone with a human body, and I hope it's made its way onto the curricula of all med schools since it was published 9 yrs ago.