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Ugliness

Eirlys

When I read the posts here I take a quick look at the images of members posting. You are all so:

pretty/lovely/beautiful/striking/attractive/

and I feel at times, depressed.

I truly do not mind being my age (88). I am active, healthy (touch wood) and have family and friends. That's a lot to be thankful for!

What I don't have are good looks! I consider myself ugly and can cope with that, but other people who take sideways glances unnerve me. I have never thought of myself as being better-looking than anyone else. I am just, in my opinion, an ordinary-looking person., so why the second look. Do I resemble a little old man instead of a little old woman?

I read,YLF ,and occasionally , post here. and have learnt such a lot about how to dress for one's body shape etc. I love clothes: I love colour. I intend to go down fighting!

The trouble is if I dress as I would like to " viz COLOURFULLY people would look twice at me and I don't want that. I want to be invisible!

I wonder if anyone here has ever had moments of anxiety regarding appearance. Am I being vain, neurotic, self-obsessed, or even all three.? Surely I should be more worried about other things in my life/little world.

I am tempted to delete all the above but talking to strangers is strangely cathartic. I suppose what I need is a "friendly enemy" to tell me what is wrong with me, and can I do anything about it.........apart from whinging!!

General

50 replies

Latest reply was from Eirlys

rachylou

Veteran

I think this is always a good topic, because it’s one that seems fundamental to human existence.

I have a question: why do you think you’re uncomfortable being noticed? For some, it’s really truly physically uncomfortable; it’s neurological. For others it’s a cultural thing: Americans tell their children to look them in the eye. But different country, and your dad will pop you one for ‘cutting your eyes’ at him. Sometimes it’s a social skill arsenal thing... do you have a prepared reaction? Do you know what to do?

Beauty/ugliness is interesting also. There used to be a site, Hot or Not, or something like it. You couldn’t join unless members rated you a 7 or above. But if you really had a look, these people were not of the so-beautiful-I-have-to-leave-the-room-laughing variety. They were like 4s and 5s, with the women waving a wicked curling iron and the men wearing v-neck jumpers without undershirts.

Bullying is also sorta fascinating. An acquaintance of mine, her children are being bullied in schools I went to. Here’s the thing, I know this is touchy, but sometimes the difference between being bullied and not is not the hazing, but whether or not you enjoy it. That’s one of the secrets of popularity. Another is, the high spirits thing... everybody gets in the convertible and rides to the end of the block cheering... and then a deathly pall of silence falls out of sight. That’s how it’s done.

I think it’s a question of what a person wants more, fun clothes or to deter people... lol, notice how I phrase that...

Sal

Veteran

Aging is tough - and I am sorry you felt this way Eirlys. At times I mourn the loss of my collagen or small waist and feel sad for what I used to have - and I am 48.

I suspect people are not judging you - or finding you unattractive.

And in terms of the forum - I bet must of us have our share of bad photos that we don’t share - I do!!

I think on older people colour is the most important choice so maybe always wear your best colours- they don’t have to be bright - maybe it is olive green or muted blues - maybe it is coral or turquoise.

And how many 88 year olds know about online forums - you are ahead of 90% here!!!

MsMaven

Veteran

I'm glad you are here, Eirlys. Sometimes I feel like an oddball because here I am discussing fashion and showing outfits with women 50 years younger than I. Interesting topic and I for one appreciate you for bringing it up. I have read and listened to complaints that women over a certain age feel like they've become invisible. Sometimes it's phrased as women over 40, which does seem ridiculous to me now that I'm in my 70s. I know I've read some blog posts on the subject in the last couple of months.

I think sometimes we are made to feel like we ought to be invisible, or at least try to make ourselves less visible. Aging isn't considered a beautiful process--and we remind younger people that they too will face aging, although that isn't always the case. Sometimes women are criticized for "letting themselves go," and "giving up." So you can't win. And no, I don't think you are vain.

I've added a lot more color to my wardrobe the last year or so. I'm a lot cheerier when I wear a pretty color, especially in winter. I've thought about this in general. I want to give other people the impression that I'm strong and healthy and I think color helps. As I get older I worry about appearing vulnerable. I worry more about wearing nice jewelry and purse snatchers, and I hate thinking about driving alone at night, although it isn't that bad when I do it.

I'm also grateful that I enjoy good health despite occasional mostly minor problems. I realize that while I have tried to take good care of myself I am also very lucky.

I appreciate you for being open. Please keep coming. Let's have some stimulating posts on fashion and changes we deal with as we age. There may be others who normally just read but would feel more comfortable discussing issues with those of us that face similar issues.

The Cat

Veteran

Dear Eirlys, I hope to look as good as you when I am 88.

Please continue to wear those colours which suit you so well and which you recently showed us. I don't know why you want to be invisible. But I wish you will dare to be visible (by wearing the colours and styles you love), as style is a reflection of who you are, and I am sure you are a person who spreads joy and wisdom to people around you. When people give you a second look, it might very well be that they do so in admiration and appreciation.

taylor

Veteran

Rachy brought up some great points!
Eirlys, my goodness , I have seen your fabulous photo and I am beyond wowed at how you take care of yourself at 88, you are such an inspiration to me! I have seen women in their 30s who look like they have given up ....literally ...!
You are a beautiful , healthy vibrant woman and it is an absolute pleasure to see your posts here! An inspiration is an understatement.
I will be 62, and I am praying I can make it to 88 with such SASS!

Runcarla

Veteran

Well, Eirlys! I don't know where you get the idea that you are ugly?! 'Cause you're not! You are very pretty, with a lovely smile and sparkling eyes. I like the way you style your hair, too. In your pics you look very engaging. Maybe you are being 'checked out' in a good way? I live in a community with an older demographic (lots of retired folks - like me!) and I find older women have more interesting style than the young'uns (who all look the same ). I wear a lot of neutrals, but red is my happy colour. I have two red coats, a red hat, red shoes (sneakers), a red dress, red flannel shirt, and accessories (scarves, bags) with red.

Do you really want to be invisible? Or is it just that you feel judged? Is someone giving you a hard time? I say buy bright clothes in your happy colour(s) and wear them!

rachylou

Veteran

Btw, your mother of the groom pics! You’re really an extraordinary beauty. The proverbial delicate rose. Jus’ sayin’...

Runcarla

Veteran

Yeah! What Racheylou said. And that pic in your last thread with the blue cardi. More of that, okay!?

kellygirl

Veteran

One of the things I love about YLF is the diversity--in terms of style and age. I think you're being awful hard on yourself. You are lovely! If anything, I think people look at you because you are such a youthful 88! I can only speak from my own experience but I feel quite unattractive at times too--perhaps because a lot of my coworkers and gym friends are so much younger and prettier. It doesn't bother me most of the time but it's hard not to compare. I'm not one to throw in the towel so most days I just try to look my best for my current age and shape--wearing what I like and what makes me happy. I hope you will continue to do the same. I look forward to seeing your fabulous self on the forum! Hugs!

Irina

Veteran

I think that young people are so obsessed with what their peers are wearing, they are so bombarded with Instagram and blogs that hardly have time to notice 54 years old me even if I wear a sack to the office I enjoy the freedom, not caring what others might think. I’m middle aged, probably invisible and I like it! If my choices to make someone to look twice - great, means I have my individual taste no matter the age!

rachylou

Veteran

Ohmigosh yes. The blue sweater pic! Stunning and sharp! You look like someone from tv... actually, maybe that’s why people turn for a second look.

Peri

Veteran

Sweet Eirlys, 100% of the people here have had moments of anxiety regarding appearance! We wouldn't be here if we didn't have those doubts. Most posts are asking for help and advice on something the writer feels insecure about.

And...we never ever know what another person is thinking. How are you so sure those double takes are critical? Maybe they are giving you a second look because they are admiring something. Or hoping they do as well when they reach your age. Or telling themselves they need to remember to call their mother! You really have no idea what they might be thinking. Stop beating yourself up over something that is likely not even true! Wear your colors and don't be invisible!

Joy

Veteran

Eirlys, you are a beautiful woman who is on her way to 90.
At 72, I am not happy to look in the mirror to see an old woman. I do not feel my age yet. DH and I often say how old people look, then realize we are just as old if not older. Enjoy having fun with fashion while you can, if not now, when? I do not choose to be invisible, although it has happened.
I wear color, pattern mixing and bling to be seen. People will not notice you as much as you think. Wear what you want and be an example for the younger ones. I try to encourage dresses and skirts, less casual. at least DDIL is wearing dresses and skirts. I feel strongly that ones family needs to see you in something other than super casual clothes fairly often. You are creating memories. Be yourself, so others will see you. You will give the younger people hope that being old is not so bad.

Anonymous

Nope-sorry, you're definitely Not ugly! And ditto Kellygirl about enjoying the age diversity on here. Enjoying style should have no expiration date And wearing your best colors and the ones you feel happiest in makes a big difference.

Ditto Peri too. We All have those worries: weight gain, some proportion that's hard to dress for, trying a new trend, getting critisized by loved ones, etc-expressed on the forum. And we all have worries that we don't express on here either. What people post online is often the happy stuff, the one pic of 50 that looked ok, the most flattering angle, the outfit that turned out well and felt authentic. At least for me, the meh outfits, all the unflattering try ons, the "poochy" days, etc-stay off the forum!

RobinF

Veteran

I tend to worry too much about what people think of me and have to tell myself that they probably aren't thinking of me at all! And I really believe most of the time that is true. Good for you for being healthy and active, I think that is most important for all of us. Dress how you want to dress and definitely wear as much color as you feel like!

Sisi

Veteran

When I see your pictures I see a nice lady dressed in a way that I like very much! I agree with Peri, people who look twice are probably admiring/envying you!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Sweet Eirlys, there is much wisdom and introspection on this thread. LOVE that.

Everyone has had a little or a lot of anxiety over their appearance at some point. Teen years can be brutal. There is a time to be visible and invisible. It's a perpetual sliding scale in life.

I'm nodding along with Taylor, Joy and Kelly. I would be one of those people giving you a sideways glance in admiration for how you pull yourself together. I'd walk right up to you and say that you look fabulous. Rock on.

Eirlys

Well, I feel quite humbled by all that. So much to think about. I feel somewhat ashamed as if I am asking for approbation. I'm not, truly. Must have been a "down" day as I am usually a person with a half-full glass.

I have ben told that the camera "likes me"! I reply ,that is because my heart is pure, the standard answer!

As a teenager, and for years later, I enjoyed a lively and varied social life; invited to everything. I was never bullied and am still in touch with school and Uni friends. The only ones missing are the ones that have gone before. This feeling of "exposure" is quite new to me and I hate it.

I use Facebook to keep in touch with friends and family but am careful what I post. Everyone there seems to live a perfect life but I do read all those postings with a pinch of salt. It is so easy on such sites to create a persona that doesn't exist.

Thank you, Angie, and EVERYONE for taking the time and trouble to read my self-centred post and to help with positive and affirmative comments.

Anonymous

Think I'll toss a "keeping it real-not so perfect life" post in off topic for you

always trying

Veteran

GEE! I thought I was the oldest person on here. I will be 80 this summer. i was healthy until last April. Now I am getting a little better, but will never be "healthy" again. I am struggling to be active, and doing a few things I used to do. I am still enjoying fashion. I lost 15 lbs, and am thin now. I find it harder to find clothing as I have to cover my entire body. Dreading warmer weather. I have a lost of brusing on my legs so have to cover them. The brusing is from my meds, so it will continue. Having to wear long sleeves and long pants and skirts is no fun. Guess I will stay home all summer, and in my warm climate it is hot thru October. If you can wear short sleeves and crops, be happy.

Mirjana

Veteran

I am 75 Eirlys, and I am completely with JOY.

Cardiff girl

Veteran

If you only saw the number if photos that I reject before being brave enough to out one online Eirlys and I’m sure I’m not the only one.Even professional models have loads taken and usually photoshopped plus professional hair and makeup to boot.We live in a very visual age and unfortunately that can make even the most secure of us feel wanting in the looks department from time to time.lts tough being a girl as well isn’t it because we always tend to compare ourselves unfavourably with others.l found your thoughts on invisibility versus visibility really resonated with me.l too have a deep interest in fashion but hate to think that somehow I would attract approbation through what I m wearing.lts somehow ok for the young to experiment with looks but the feeling is you really shouldn’t as you get older and that somehow it’s vanity to show that you are interested in fashion but you must still be modern and presentable in your attire.l try very hard to resist this way of thinking and think that age-ism in what ever form-it comes it just as much a discrimination as any other -ism.l am heartily cheered by people such as yourself,Joy,Mirjana who continue to be themselves and present themselves to the world in the way they see fit un-abashed by any one elses prejudices and you know what?Because of this their age is never a consideration to me.People are people ,some of us have just been here longer than others that’s all.So take heart dear Eirlys and continue to dress and be the way that makes you feel good and you will be an example to those of us coming along behind you.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

This is an awesome post Eirlys, thank you! As a woman of 58 who is a family doctor of many older people ( the oldest woman I ever had lived to 107!) I am so thrilled at the zest for life many show, and I still admire clothing on many into their 90s, just yesterday the beautiful shell earrings on a very active 93 year old woman. My role model for how I would like to be at 88 is a woman from maybe 10 years or so ago who wore the most beautiful jewel colours. I would certainly have looked twice at her if I saw her anywhere, in admiration. Sending you love!

MsMaven

Veteran

I love Joy's last sentence: "You will give the younger people hope that being old is not so bad."

Barbara Diane

Veteran

I often don’t post photos because my hair is a mess and I don’t have makeup on.

A while ago on another thread someone wrote about not wanting to wear color because they would stand out. And I remember thinking that they stand out because of the unusual cuts of their clothing. And I never thought I stood out and I wear a lot of color and prints.

The visible/invisible thing is an interesting push/pull as I want people to think I look nice/notice but not necessarily stand out. I have a pair of long navy tassel earrings I love but feel like everyone would notice. One time I wore a bold embroidered pair of shoes somewhere. My husband was a bit horrified and thought everyone would notice and comment but no one did. I was actually a bit disappointed. I’m actually working on figuring out why I think what I think, whether I want to change my thinking and/or my clothing. Today I am wearing a top that makes me happy but would not be considered fashionable at all.

Anonymous

Eirlys. You are certainly not self-centered. I'm very glad you posted because sometimes we all need an emotional boost. You came to the right place because this Forum is full of wise, compassionate, and strong women voices. I sincerely hope you got the boost you needed and are feeling like you are in a better place right now. If not, please continue to post as you see fit. Best wishes.

Alicewonderland

Veteran

Hi Eirlys,

Based on your pictures, I guarantee people are not taking second glances because you are ugly. You are not! You skin is smooth and you have a lovely smile. You figure is gorgeous (and look at your boobs, wow!) I think the colorful clothes look really nice on you and suit you well. I would be looking in admiration if I looked at you in the street. If you wore a red dress and got all dressed up in think you be a real bombshell. A woman can be stunningly beautiful at any age, it just depends on taking care of herself, and also how she dresses helps. I think it might be that people EXPECT older women to be invisible or no try to look nice, so people notice when you stray from that. Wear what you love and stand tall with confidence that you are beautiful.

Jane

Veteran

I am nodding with the wise words above and hope that you feel easier. You do indeed look fab. You have a super shape and great smile and skin. And stylish!

Gigi

Veteran

I have seen your pics, and you most certainly are NOT ugly! Quite the opposite. I suspect that the sideways glances you are getting are more from admiration or jealousy than anything else.

I know the conundrum between wanting to be invisible and wanting to wear something more exciting. When I started visiting the forum here, I had been a very frumpy dresser, wearing clothes that hid my body shape, and wearing only the most boring neutrals possible (beige, white, cream, gray). I dipped my toe into the more exciting stuff gradually.

I found I was very attracted to leopard print, so I bought myself some leopard-print booties. They made me so happy! One day I took courage and decided to wear them out. I wore them to an appointment with someone I trusted a lot. To my surprise, she looked horrified when she saw the booties. My heart sank. I felt so self-conscious. Even though I felt awful after that experience, I kept wearing the booties, and I started getting compliments on them. That helped me wear them more and more. And then I started adding other interesting items to my wardrobe. So, bit by bit, I became more comfortable with being noticed for my outfits, and now I don't mind at all. In fact, people tell me that they look forward to seeing my outfts.

I will say that in general I run with a crowd that places quite a bit of importance on personal appearance and style. I think some circles of people can be very negative about anything fun or interesting or unusual with regard to clothing. It can sometimes be very emotionally difficult to wear what you like when everyone else is negative about it.

My advice is to buy yourself a few items that are exactly what you want, and choose some safe places to wear them. Gradually, you will get used to the extra exposure, and you won't feel so uncomfortable.

FWIW, I'm 46.

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