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Trailing Spouse

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

The first time I ever set foot in Los Angeles was on our honeymoon. I told my husband I hated it and never wanted to go back again. Now, 22 years later, Kevin was offered and accepted a job in Burbank, and we're moving there.

In the intervening years, we've been to southern California probably a dozen times, and my feelings have moderated a bit, but I still am miserable in the heat, don't really enjoy beaches, and feel claustrophobic and anxious to the point of tears just looking at the urban sprawl as my plane descends into the city.

At the same time, I know this move is right for our family. We're ready for a lower-maintenance lifestyle than our current home, the job is an incredible opportunity, my work is portable enough that this relocation will be more of an inconvenience than anything else, and we'll be closer to our son, who currently plans to pursue a career in the film industry. Plus, Kevin has been in LA without me since October, and we're both really ready to be in the same place again. These past eight months have been emotionally exhausting, and as much as I don't want to leave Colorado, I want, a million times more than that, to be with my husband.

That being said, I spent a lot of my last trip there just crying. Some of that is the overall stress of the move, including trying to sell our house of twenty years and find a place in an area with MUCH higher real estate prices, but the only times I felt the anxiety slip away were when I was able to get up high and see the mountains above the city. We're looking at a few places with rooftop decks, which I think will help, but I could use your wisdom

Have you ever relocated to a place you didn't want to go? Or lived somewhere that felt very wrong for you? I know LA is a vibrant city with plenty to offer. I think I could probably learn to love it, but right now, that feels very daunting, and I would love to hear any strategies you all might have.

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52 replies

Latest reply was from Lucy

Anonymous

Hugs! I'm sorry it's going to be such a stressful move for you, and I really hope you find something to enjoy. It must be hard to move after 20 years in the same place especially.

Actually DH and I feel 100% at home in So Cal-though more Ventura-Santa Barbara area as opposed to LA (big cities make me stressed too). We both desperately want the ocean, mountains, and year round warmth! For the last 8 years, he's been working on his PhD, with me as the sole breadwinner, in the hopes of making it a reality. I'm ok where I am in the summer-but winters are soul killing. Every year I hope it's my last!

Do you have to live in the city per se? Or could you live closer to the mountains and commute? I wouldn't like living in the middle of the city either!

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

Funny how different people can be, suntiger! While I won’t miss shoveling, I live for autumn, and am really happiest at temps below 60°

I haven’t lived in the same place for twenty years. We’ve owned this house for that long, but rented it out for a spell of several years while we lived in Seattle. That was hard on me for different reasons, but I definitely love that city, and we considered splitting our time between there and Denver before the Disney offer came along.

A big part of why we felt we needed to make a change was the brutal commute Kevin had here, so any commute longer than 20-30 minutes is off the table

SW prof

Many years ago I took a job in L.A. having never set foot in California up until then. I was convinced that L.A. was everything I hate (big city, lots of driving, etc.) But, it turned out that I enjoyed living there. I think you have to forget about the city as a whole, and just learn to enjoy your area(s) of it. Once you settle on a home, find a not-too-far-away place to escape the city, and adopt it. I don't know Burbank, but Griffith Park is big enough to feel you're getting away, and there are other wild areas pretty nearby. Good luck!

Anonymous

I'll happily take all the temps over 60 -year round-and light out til at least 8pm
So that's why the theme park capsule-makes sense now!
I completely understand about the commute! DH did 3 hours each way for the first 3 years of our marriage-so to me anything under an hour is wonderful!
I expect you'll take lots of day trips to the mountains. There's lots of great places for hiking.

rachylou

Veteran

You know, I can’t say I’ve ever loved any town I’ve ever lived in. Not even my home town, which I thought I missed, but it’s changed a lot and I’m no longer used to such grittiness.

But what’s been important for me is, call it the feng shui of the actual abode, vegetation, some outdoor space, and shops in walking distance. The things my little daily home life thrives on.

One town, I wouldn’t have moved there in a million years but then they finally got a bookstore and a Peet’s, lol. And, lol, I did manage to eventually find the one hipster coffee shop and boutique. The town before that, I found the one place where the town’s two punks hung out, lol! I like to go find a coffee shop and order the exact same thing every time until they know me. Then you start to learn what’s what and who’s who.

Runcarla

Veteran

Yes, Jenn, I have been there! The early '80's were tough and 4 years out of university DH was doing contract work (11 months on, 1 month off) in his career area. I was full time, but low wage in mine. We lived in a lovely little university and white collar city when DH accepted a full time position in a remote northern town in another province. A co-worker who knew the place called it a 'hell hole', my mother cried when she learned where I was going. The first person I saw on arrival had a mowhawk and 'EMPTY' tattooed on the side of his head. DH said it would only be for 6 years.

We bought our first house, I was working within 3 months, we got a dog - followed by 2 kids. We created a little patch of paradise around our cozy home, though it was covered in snow 6 months of the year and you went to work and came home in the dark. No one from our families wanted to come visit! There were open pit mines within the city limits, and you could feel the earth move when they blasted. We both did very well with our careers, needed a bigger home after 7 years as th kids grew. We stayed for 26 years!

5 years ago we relocated due to work, but with retirement in mind. I LOVE the community we now call home. I also recognize that we wouldn't be where we are now, or living a comfortable lifestyle if we hadn't 'done our time' IYKWIM.

20 years in one place is a good chunk of time. Especially after moving around a lot early on. My suggestion would be to locate what is important to you, what you NEED from a community, and triangulate to get a fix on where you might make your new home. Maybe even rent for a year or two. Big cities often have 'villages' and you might find one you (and your family) like better than a house in the 'burbs.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Sounds like you need to live in Seattle

Each time I go to the LA seaside, I like it more. And now I prefer it to San Francisco. I LOVE the heat, sun, water, beach vibe, glitz, grit, hustle and bustle, outdoor activity, and that people dress up at night. I'm very urban and love big cities, so it's very comforting to me as long as there is WATER.

Jenn, this doesn't help you, I know. And I know how tough it can be to move to a new place since I've done it internationally four times, and locally many more times. The unknown can be scary and stressful. I'm not going to sugar coat it. There are challenges and frustrations every step of the way. But this is the journey of life! With a bit of luck, lower expectations, some soul searching, and a lot of effort and patience - moving can be a fun adventure that you learn and grow from. I am SO GRATEFUL that I've Iived in four continents, and in many cities over the course of my life. That is an education that you cannot learn at school. Nothing has enriched my life and opened my mind more than travellng and being a global citizen. I'm willing to bet that you will look back on this in a few years and feel at peace too.

Here to chat and support any time, and much love to you. xo

Runcarla

Veteran

Oooooh! Understand about the 20 years house now. Racheylou speaks wisdom. I'm sure your DH will enjoy his work even more when you are close, and how cool is it that you can be in proximity to DS!

JAileen

Veteran

I didn’t want to move. Our old town was in the mountains. It was just a few minutes to Tahoe, to skiing, and to hiking. But I went. What I found out: the schools were better for our son. Instead of a class size of 30, it was only 15. I found a better job than I had in the mountains. The neighborhoods are lovely, and I enjoy walking around, seeing people’s gardens through the seasons. Also, it’s been fun gardening in our own backyard. I can grow tomatoes, and that wasn’t possible in the mountains.

My father was born and raised in LA. One thing that struck me: he said he could pick avocados out his bedroom window!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Jenn, as far as strategies go, this is what helped us:

We went to great lengths to make our home a comfortable, cozy and beautiful space.
DOGS make any place feel like home, if you're a dog person.
We made the effort to be the social instigators over and over again - and for years. No kids so we couldn't rely on the school and parenting setting to create new friends. Working DID help. Many of our Seattle friends started off as clients, or people Greg worked with.
Do a fun family activity during the week and over the weekend.
Plan short adventurous getaways in the new city.
Do something that makes you happy each day. For me that was about the dogs and creating something from scratch - like cooking. Grocery shopping makes me very happy too

Anonymous

I was just looking at LA temps the past few months (very extended family in Orange Co) and was envying how much cooler it is than here and for so much longer.
Ha!
That said, I deeply feel your pain about hating heat (why I torture myself looking enviously at weather elsewhere) and definitely think I am a drink best served chilled.
I know moving from a climate with an amazing Autumn (my fav too) must be awful.
And I appreciate how anxiety provoking the atmosphere there could be.
Although I haven’t had the experience of moving somewhere I feel isn’t me, I’ve had the experience of being born someplace like that and being tethered because family needed me, and so I relate to that sense of feeling trapped/suffocated even if you deeply love the person you’re there for.
I an commiserating from a distance and sending you a lot of good vibes.

I think if you can find a few relatable places and things there, it’ll really help.

Absolute best wishes for you.

rachylou

Veteran

Oh, I have to say something: TBH, I think the U.S. is a pretty ugly country. I mean our architecture. Every time I see a new town, anywhere in the US, I see pure urban blight. Strip malls made of styrofoam buildings... and yes, yes, those cornices and things are like giant rolls of styrofoam they stucco over... and the stucco is cheap. Signs and wires and asphalt. Clapboard houses in builders beige. It’s kinda why I love the show Fixer Upper - Chip and Joanna Gaines, some of those houses they’ve taken on... like the wormy-brick one... really bad.

No, I don’t find instant charm anywhere in the U.S. But I *do* find that once you learn to read a place, learn it’s cultural geography and get beyond the in-your-face Big O Tires and Krispy Kreme sign towers, it starts to look better. Those signs themselves, actually, have a not un-thoughtful aesthetic behind them... our country: The Aesthetics of Kitsch.

Burbank, really, is a very special place. It’s very distinct from other parts of the LA area. I’m not sure Burbank accepts the rest of LA, lol...

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

Thank you all so much for your warm and thoughtful responses. It is sometimes hard to talk about how I'm feeling with my local friends, because they're going through their own grief processes at us leaving. And my husband knows how tough it is for me, of course, but I try to stay positive around him, too, to not lay more guilt on him than he already feels. We made this decision together, knowing it would be difficult. More than where I grew up, or anyplace else I've lived (from coast to coast in the US), Colorado has always felt like my soul home. Sounds corny, but I feel right with the world in this place.

rachylou, your advice about seeking out places to make my own rings true for me. One of my criteria for a new neighborhood was having at least one coffeeshop within walking distance. We probably won't live in Burbank, at least at first, (can't afford the type of place we'd want there with the downpayment we have from Colorado), but our top two neighborhoods are decidedly hipster--North Hollywood and Studio City were both places we liked. NoHo is a little grungier, but feels like it's on the brink of gentrification. The place we looked at in Studio City had a Trader Joe's in walking distance. Sephora, too. And somehow, it still has local character. Like Old Hollywood came crashing into 2019, leaving bits of itself scattered about.

Angie, I'm not a dog person, but we have cats. One is already in LA, and the other is still here with me. Like you, we won't have school and family networks to make friends this time around. That definitely helped in Seattle, but we also had some built-in social networks there--people we knew before the move from other parts of our lives. It will be hard for me to be a social instigator, as I'm an introvert by nature, but I've made many friends through craft and artist social circles here, and I'm sure I can do it again. It will just take time.

I AM looking forward to decorating a new home, cultivating a rooftop- or patio-garden, and eating LOTS of good food, both home-cooked and restaurant.

Opaline, it has been an uncharacteristically cool spring there. Everyone around us last weekend was complaining about how cold it was! I will DEFINITELY miss fall, and I totally understand your feelings about being born in a place where you don't fit, as well. I grew up in central Illinois, but my Dad moved to Colorado when I was 13 or so. He was only here for a few years, but I felt at home here from my very first visit.

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

runcarla, your story is fascinating. You must have found some semblance of peace in the place to live there for so long, but I'm glad you've been able to have a more hopeful and happy move in the recent past. I have moved many times in my life--some were traumatic, others joyful, others full of uncertainty--but the two that involved leaving Colorado have easily been the hardest.

JAileen, it sounds like you've been able to find the positives in your new location. I hope that in a few years I'll be able to enumerate such things, too!

Suntiger, yup, the Disneyland annual passes came with the job, and we plan to make evenings out there a regular occurrence.

SW prof, it's wise to think of the city as a collection of neighborhoods. That was true of Seattle and Denver, too, though less so of Denver, which doesn’t have the same history of being multiple cities that joined together. We've definitely zeroed in on a few parts of the city/metro area that are convenient commutes and have the atmosphere we're looking for.

Joy

Veteran

I understand. My best friend in California always hated it. She had 3 boys in elementary school and the sports never stopped. She longed for the peace that a cold winter can bring.
I had culture shock with everyone judging you instantly on your looks and the open use of drugs. Every get together, even work related had it’s “ funny brownies” and worse.
Christmas was the hardest, but it was just different. I learned to appreciate the huge blooming poinsettia trees and pretended that the morning fog was snow and lit a fire in the fireplace. The NewPort Beach lighted yacht parade took the place of looking at lighting displays in neighborhoods or store windows. A very realistic Santa for kids to go to sat on a park bench in South Coast Village. Lovely, non scary and low key. You will find gems in your area.
Put up hummingbird feeders and look for the variety of raptors that overwinter in your area. Go to Farmer’s markets and buy very fresh seafood that pull their boats up on the beach after being out all night. There is lots to like.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

Ahhh...didn’t know my innocent question would bring this soul-searching thread! I hope though that people’s ideas will help. I am not sure how much I can help, having had a love for SoCal ever since being an NZ teenager in the 70s. Essentially SoCal WAS the USA to us. We had all heard of Disneyland and some lucky families would go there, there were the Beach Boys ( Let’s go surfing now, everybody’s surfing now...) and there were songs like “It never rains in Southern California”- which sounded awesome since it always rains in NZ! I think our Kiwi beach lifestyle had a natural connection there.
I suppose the ideas everyone else has had may have some gems in them. And getting to be near your son has to trump a lot of other things? ( oh dear it feels odd to use that word now!)

Style Fan

Veteran

I am living this right now. We were living in Southern Ontario and had a great Arts and Crafts house. Really that was my dream house. I had a few pieces of mission furniture and loved decorating the house. We lived in a town that had beautiful architecture and lots of nice coffee shops. I had friends and family nearby. I also loved my work. Really my work was my life along with my dogs.
Mr. SF retired and inherited some land in Muskoka (cottage country north of Toronto - apparently very desirable to those who want to be there). The original plan was for him to build a cottage on this land and we would go there in the summer. I would just have to do it. I am not a cottage person. Not. Mr. SF loves Muskoka.
Somehow this plan changed and Mr. SF wanted to move to Muskoka year round. We sold our beautiful house. Bought a house here and moved here after I retired.
It has been very challenging for me and for Mr. SF. I am more of an urban person but I love hiking and doing outdoor things. Muskoka is a place that caters to a certain crowd that is concerned with things and looks. But I have found there are other people living here that have more in common with me. I have gotten involved with the Yoga community which helped a lot.
For me, it is hard to adjust to something new without acknowledging what I have lost. For many reasons I have been thinking about grief lately. My first husband died 20 years ago and I have lived with that grief. The move from my old life to here is also a grieving process. There has not been a lot of support for that in my life but it has been a growing experience. (I would like to take a break from these growing experiences.)

Diana

Veteran

The commute is a bit further than you’d like but I really think you should look at Thousand Oaks. I grew up there. It’s very different vibe from la or the valley, much more open space. You can get to Burbank via 118 so skip some of the worst traffic. Closer to home, what about Pasadena? I feel like it has a bit cozier feel than LA proper. Speaking of Pasadena, I don’t know if ms Mary is on here so often these days but she’d be a great person to chat with about this.

I’m a bit different from you, in that I’m more of a city person. I like to have all the conveniences and choices and the ability to walk places. But on the other hand I want to live somewhere that doesnt feel super hemmed in with tall buildings and traffic. I’m lucky in that the place I live (Boston-adjacent) is still urban and has the benefits of urban life but isn’t smack in the middle of the city.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I echo Diana. Speak to MsMary and Vicki.

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

There’s a forum member I’ve chatted with, whose husband works in the same complex as Kevin, who lives in Pasadena. We looked there, but it’s at the far edge of our desired commute range and, to be honest, not really that much cheaper than closer-in options.
(Diana, we have a friend in Thousand Oaks. That’s WAY too far. Easily an hour commute at 6am on weekdays.) We’ve always made the commute compromise in the past, because other things like school districts and a kid-safe neighborhood were more important. Now, nothing is more important than those extra hours each week.

When I say I feel hemmed in by urban sprawl, I really mean the sprawl, not the high rises. It’s concrete and strip malls and highways crisscrossing what was once really beautiful landscape. Looking at the compromises we have to make, I would MUCH rather live in a dense urban area than renovate a house in Pasadena.

Joy, it sounds like you lived at the opposite end of LA from where we’ll be. Southwest, as opposed to northeast?

StyleFan, I echo you on taking a break from the growing experiences. It IS grief, and that stuff builds on itself throughout our lives. I hope you find your place in the new community, but at the very least, I’m glad you’re doing your thing in really great pants!

JenniNZ, I’ve been thinking about starting this thread for a while now (and those who follow me on Instagram have already had way more than their share of my “working through” this stuff.) The reality of living in the Valley and working at a studio is so very different from the idealized California surfer lifestyle. I’ve had to temper my expectations due to traffic congestion and real estate prices. Our down payment could buy a home outright in the Midwest, and it’s not enough in SoCal to be even 20% of an equivalent house to the one we’re selling.

Diana

Veteran

Fair enough. I dislike the urban sprawl too - I like California but dislike the valley. Unfortunately, I feel like Pasadena is probably the closest place you'll get that doesn't feel so much like that. If I lived in LA proper, I'd want to live on the Santa Monica/Beverly Hills/ocean side, which doesn't help you much as it's too far. (Although I don't know burbank very well, so it's very possible that there are little neighborhoods within it that are more open.)

Some plusses, if you want them: The food and especially fruit/veggies in SoCal and especially LA are SOOOO much better than anywhere else. Best Japanese, Mexican, Korean, etc in the US, in my opinion. The museums are amazing (so many private collections!) The city itself might be very sprawl-y, but it's very close to mountains, hiking areas, the ocean, the desert, skiing, etc.

nemosmom

Veteran

Oh Jenn, moving is always SUPER stressful and often filled with fear of the unknown - it's exponentially hard to leave the place we love for a place that makes us feel sad and anxious.

I have lived in a few different cities but never really felt anxious about leaving any of them until almost two years ago when we left San Francisco and moved to Chicago. I did not grow up in SF - I actually knew no one when I moved there - but it turned out to be my 'soul city'. I spent a couple of years in a small town on the peninsula and the north bay, but lived 14 years in the city itself. When I left, my heart broke (a certain Tony Bennett song comes to mind..). I left a job I dearly loved, friends who were my second family, and a city I felt truly happy in. DH went a few months before me, leaving me to pack up our old house. I didn't get to visit Chicago before we left SF - we had an infant and a toddler and moved straight to a corporate apartment with a few suitcases, while the rest of our stuff went to a storage unit. We had to re-home one of our two cats due to pet restrictions at the apartment, and that took a major toll on the cat we brought with us, as well as my son who was extremely attached to her. It was the right move for our family - a great opportunity for DH, we live about an hour from my in-laws so my kids get to spend more time with them, but the move was still difficult.

Most of the people where I live now (a stepford-ish suburb of Chicago)
grew up here, or have family here - everyone knows everyone, and I still feel a little like the new weird kid at the "cool lunch table". I have learned to skirt the question, "So, what do you think of the midwest?"

In SF, most people I met there were not FROM there, so it was nice to have that in common - is the same true in Burbank? That alone could help you find your tribe. Those people who are discovering the area just like you are.

A few things that have helped me adjust: unpack and get settled as quickly as you can. Make it your sanctuary. Staring at boxes for weeks will only make you feel worse. Also, take LOTS of photos from the old place. I enlarged photos taken of our favorite places and the views from our deck, and had them printed on big canvases - they are sprinkled throughout our new place and make me happy every time I see them.

Also, remember, there is no law that says you can't go back to CO - it may not be to stay, but even a visit on occasion might be just enough to re-fill your bucket

Style Fan

Veteran

I probably came across very negative. After a good Yoga class with some wonderful people my mood has improved. But the living situation is challenging. We spend 3 to 4 months somewhere else so that helps me.
Urban sprawl doesn't thrill me but I do love California. I spent some time there in the 80s and 90s. But I also love the Southwest.

Anonymous

More hugs! I wish I could join you and help you in person. I'm going to read the responses and gather my thoughts. I hope to be able to provide you with something that is substantive. But at the very least, I am always an ear to listen.

Sal

Veteran

I am pleased you shared this as there has been lots of wise sage advice. I can’t offer too much more then what has been said already. There will be some silver linings in terms of your son being around and big city life adventures. Virtual hugs from NZ:)

Kathie

Veteran

Hugs! We moved from Seattle four years ago, after living there for 21 years (for me) and 19 (DH.) I’d moved there for graduate school, so chose it from a number of options, and it was truly home. Even though the move was for my job, and a move “back” to where I was an undergrad, it’s taken time. And, I still miss the progressive vibe, the coffee shops, my knitting group, the views of Mt. Rainier, and even the quality of the light and the rain. (I thought I wanted to escape software developers on every corner, and, it turns out, I miss them, too.)

We’ve slowly found our “tribe”- the families who also have a CSA, enrolled their kids in the more progressive public school programs, etc. I had to laugh when Nemosmom mentioned people asking how she liked the Midwest- we’ve had similar experiences. Definitely come up with a quick, lighthearted answer to that one!

Echoing everyone else- give it time- at least 18 months. Think about the things that made Colorado “home” and figure out where even just a couple of those things are in your new location. You are certainly on the right track with deliberately choosing a neighborhood, and meeting people through your work. And, we’re here for you, anytime you need to vent!

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

nemosmom, yes! "Soul city" is exactly it. There are places that just immediately feel right and they are different for all of us. Taking high quality photos and putting them up is a great idea. I had a photo of Colorado that I often looked at when I was feeling homesick in Seattle (and I loved Seattle, still do). We will definitely be coming back to visit, though. Kevin's whole nuclear family lives here. Ironically, both his parents are transplants to Colorado--they grew up in SoCal.

StyleFan, I didn't take it as terribly negative, and know you to be a generally positive person, so I thank you for the honesty in the moment. I usually try to focus on gratitude too, but that doesn't change that situations can be challenging, and I appreciate your acknowledging it!

Sterling, you are always a wise and compassionate voice. Truly.

Sal, thanks. There will be silver linings for sure. Things I'm particularly looking forward to:

The farmer's markets (as both Joy and Diana pointed out)!
A thriving theatre scene. I love live theatre, and one of the neighborhoods we're looking at is a cultural district with more than twenty theaters in its boundaries.
Disneyland. I'm not a super-fan or anything, but no one engineers escapism like Disney, and I'm looking forward to being able to spend time in the park for just the cost of gas.
Outdoor living. One of our requirements for wherever we live is some sort of outdoor living area, and I can't wait to create my own oasis with comfy furnishings, potted plants, and string lights
Being with my husband. The most important! It will be a long time before I ever take that for granted again.

Kathie, one good thing about moving is that we'll be more in the political mainstream there than we are in our part of CO. I felt that keenly when we lived in Seattle--there is something relaxing about not having to be on guard all the time about potential political conflicts. I grew up in Illinois, btw, and when I went back to visit my mother, I always had to come up with a lighthearted answer for those asking me if I missed it!

Bonnie

Veteran

I have lived in LA, have family still there, and visit often. The commute is horrible so try to keep that at a minimum. I say make your home an oasis. I sure you will adjust in time and find things to like about big city living. We like the symphony and the art museums. The weather is hot in summer but idyllic most of the year.

DonnaF

Veteran

The bright side of moving to an expensive place is that at the end of the day when your house has appreciated, you will be able to afford to return to Colorado if you so wish. I know that if we ever sell our place in the Bay Area to live closer to DD and Midwest Nice, we will never have the option to return to the Bay Area because we will be priced out.

But I hope you find your place (with a North East exposure; no late afternoon sun, thank you) and your peeps. It and they are out there; I am sure of it.

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