I keep thinking that we might end up on the coast of So Cal one day. We love Santa Monica. LOVE the water. We have always lived by the water - accept in Salt Lake City. I hear you on prioritizing the commute though. Keep that front and centre. No compromises!

A theatre district sounds like a fantastic possibility. I like your projection for a backyard too, string lights are my fav!
I probably bungled my thoughts, I was envying the LA weather as cool the past few months, lol.
Speaking of soul cities, I’ve always felt I should have been born in the PNW not the Southeast!
Btw, liking your Summer wardrobe!

We moved to Reno, NV two years ago to be near kids and grandkids. Moving from progressive Minnesota with great healthcare and an excellent education system has been a challenge for me, because things are just the opposite here.
I think it really helps to focus on the positives. For us, seeing family frequently is really great. It seems like you will have that option too, so I hope you can enjoy it.
The climate will be different for you (it has been a huge change for us too), and I recommend finding things about it that you can like.
As an introvert, I don’t require a lot of social interaction. If you do like people, you will certainly be able to find many with similar interests.
Sending good thoughts your way.

I have moved to big cities twice before, for 1 year stints with work. Our strategy was to live in a village atmosphere within the big city and be close to a park. We rented, so we were luck enough to have beautiful views from our apartments. We became part of the community because we had 2 Westies. We were always very lucky to make great friends - who now 15 years later still keep in touch.

I bought a book with recommended scenic or historical walks and we made sure we did at least one or two each weekend. It ended up that we saw more and new more about our adopted cities than the actual city that we grew up in.

Jenn, I'm late to this thread and probably don't have much of value to add, but I wanted to offer a bit of support. This really *is* a hard change. No wonder you're in mourning. It's painful to leave a place you love for one that makes you anxious and hemmed in and where you don't have friends of your own. It's hard to find the balance in a relationship when a move is so clearly better for one person in the couple than the other. I know you made the decision together, etc. but it sounds like your heart is still in Colorado and maybe always will be.

I haven't exactly moved to trail my spouse but I did stay put for many years in a city that would not have been my first choice (or second, or third, or fifth choice) in order to accommodate DH's work, since he was the primary earner. There were compensations. We had a gorgeous old house that we fixed up, and we loved our neighbourhood. Eventually, I made dear friends, found meaningful work, and found outdoor places to wander. But this took many years and I never felt truly "at home" with the landscape or weather. I missed Toronto, where I'd spent my early adulthood, and the Maritimes, where my extended family live. I still had family and friends in the city, so I used to go back regularly for infusions of the urban. (Like you, I loathe big roads and sprawl and car-culture, but I love urban neighbourhoods.) Over time I came to love my adopted city in a way, but apart from missing friends, I wasn't at all sorry to leave it. (Mark, on the other hand, finds it very hard, much as he loves the west coast and much as it was his idea in the first place to come out here!)

I do know the terror of looking at housing in a city that is much pricier than the one you're leaving. I'm in that position now. We have no idea what we are going to do, TBH. And it's stressful. But we're renting to give ourselves some time to figure it out. And we just have to hope something turns up.

I'm wondering if it might help to consider your absolute bottom line no compromise "this will save my life the way a short commute will save yours, Kevin," items for you -- whether that be a separate room for your work, a nearby coffee shop, the view from your windows, or even a yearly trip to Colorado to get your fill of mountain air. Something to make this feel more than just chosen, but also genuinely liveable.

I also really love Bijou's suggestion of exploring the neighbourhoods of your new home, looking for the pockets that please you.

Hang in there. I have a feeling you'll find your place and your people there. And Autumn trips to Colorado could be part of that.

Jenn, I have read your post and the thread with interest. There is a wealth of really super advice. I am thinking of you and hope that you find your feet quickly.

DH is a very settled routine kind of guy, so we have been very settled in the same house for 10 years. When we moved, it was all of about 20 houses down the same road. I love change and moving and all that involves, I don't regret the lack of change, but I can easily feel hungry for it.

Very best wishes for the times ahead.

My sympathies! It's tough, but it *usually* gets better. I've made several big moves, between countries and across coasts, for my career. It is TOUGH even when you're the driving force, but it at least helps to have co-workers. It was hardest on my husband who was searching for work and had a much smaller circle. We had to initiate almost all invites. In the first year of each move, I would let my husband make the choices about where we would be exploring and what restaurants, since I was the driving factor in the choice to move to each location. I tried my hardest to not be a workaholic in the early days and to give a greater percentage of our income to entertainment expenses and our time to get to know the area. Group exercise activities -- cycling groups, yoga classes, spin classes, etc... were some of the places we met new friends. Despite knowing it would be hard, we had to move forward through that hardness. We purposefully did not visit our prior home in the first year as it brought too much homesickness. All the little things, like where to buy something or the right medical practitioner to see, hair stylist, etc.... were each a new problem to solve and the stress of that piled up. But each time we moved, we felt a bit more at home at the 6 month mark, and comfortable at the 12 month mark. Moving is one of the top 3 biggest life stresses -- and yes, it can feel a lot like grieving, even when you're happy about the move. But like grief, you take it day-by-day. And try to put some "regular" into your life -- I found it so reassuring to have a regular "favorite bakery/cafe/pub/restaurant" as part of the feeling at home.

Hi Jenn, I get it, sort of, from the opposite direction.

We spent much of last year trying to move to my "soul city," and long story short it didn't work out. It's been a real grieving process for me these last months.

You've gotten great advice upthread but I'll add that one thing that has helped me is a couple of work and creative projects that are specifically tied to the place I'm in now. I'm not sure exactly what that might look like for you, but maybe something to ponder.

I wish you all the best.

Sometimes things that start "badly" end unexpectedly well. I hope you will find something positive that will make you love Los Angeles! Wishing all the best.

I feel for you, Jenn, having recently moved from a place that never felt like home, whether I was trying or not. It did start to feel better once I focused on our space at home. The fact that you were in on the decision might make it easier, even if your husband is super busy at work.

I hadn't understood the reason for the theme park capsule either. How many of those outings will be with his co-workers and their families? You might want to scope out what they're wearing before you go further in putting together the capsule.

Some thoughts on a place to live: have you considered going super-small, like a 1-bedroom where the living room becomes your studio or the bed is surrounded by your work, and then an even smaller spot in the mountains? Speaking of the mountains, NoHo is closer to the HubBub than Burbank; why not something 20 min from Burbank on the mountain side of things?

I know you have a lot to work through, and understand the difficulties of nesting where you don't feel at home, but I also know you are resourceful and will work out a plan to make it all work. Good luck!

I feel for you! I can't add much to all the thoughtful responses here, but just want to say I am one more person that can relate. My husband and I moved away from my soul city, Seattle, 3 and a half years ago in order to be near his large family in the southeast. If I was to keep my husband, I had to leave my friends, job, favorite activities, beloved neighborhood, everything. We moved to a very small town, and it has been a gigantic adjustment for me in almost every possible way. I'm an urban person in a country hamlet. Also, I always hated heat and humidity, and wasn't ready for the ravenous bugs here.

My survival techniques have already been mentioned by others, but I will repeat some most helpful to me:

TRAVEL: We visit Seattle at least once a year to see friends, and Colorado (where I once lived) several times a year to see my parents.
We have to drive to a nearby city for dancing, Trader Joe's, art galleries, festivals, etc. These trips, long or short, can really be nourishing.
HOME: lots of focus there, making it a sanctuary. It helps a lot that we have a view of stunningly beautiful old trees when we look out the window. If you can secure a view that you love, that can do wonders.
JOIN local groups: if that's your sort of thing. I had to force myself, but glad I did. I wasn't going to meet other artists just randomly, I had to seek them out.
REPETITION: We frequented a favorite restaurant and met some great friends that way. Small routines, as Toban mentions, can be a huge help.

Still adjusting here, I must admit, but finding more and more to love about the great adventure this relocation has become. I've even adjusted to the heat!
I bet you will find unexpected joys in your new land, and being with your husband and son will make it all worthwhile. I'm rooting for you!

bonnie, I am looking forward to having access to all the culture that LA has to offer. We live in a (bedroom community of a) college town right now, so have some of the advantages of a much larger city, and Denver is only an hour away, but La is on a different level.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Donna, and very good point about the exposure!

Angie, Santa Monica will probably be our closest beach area! And commute is absolutely number one priority. No compromises, indeed. That will be the single largest improvement in quality of life for us.

Opaline, I knew you were envying the LA weather as cool! I was just pointing out that this year hasn't been normal for them! It was gorgeous when I was there last week...although, we were really happy to arrive back in Colorado to a brisk 50°.

catherine, the family thing is complicated. It's definitely a bonus that our son will be living with us for another year while he starts college out there, but we're leaving a LOT of family behind in Colorado. We're used to seeing Kevin's parents, his brother, and my sister-in-law several times a month, and that will be a big adjustment. I'm an introvert, too, but that means that I depend on a few close friends for socializing, and I won't have that out there either.

Bijou, we found the same thing when we lived in Seattle. We knew we weren't going to be there forever, so we took full advantage while we were there. It's easy to take your hometown for granted.

Suz, you're not late, at all! So many people just responded extra quickly and graciously! YOU GET IT! I like urban neighborhoods too, and I don't think a more suburban home would be the right solution for us at all. You also get it about moving to a more expensive location. It's incredibly frustrating that, despite a generous salary, our budget won't stretch to the sort of house we really want (and we're not talking mansions here). I think I subconsciously was counting on a really wonderful new (to me) home as a sort of payoff for all the sacrifice of the first year, and realizing that will be yet another compromise is a big blow. Kevin is letting me take the lead and have absolute veto power on neighborhoods and living spaces. I felt guilty about that initially, but
It's actually pretty fair. The campus where he gets to go to work each day is its own sort of oasis, and I won't have that.

Jane, before we moved to Seattle (many years ago now), I remember feeling unsettled and ready for a big change. I was expecting a change in the next few years, too, but thought it would be moving to Denver or getting a second place in Seattle to split time. This is a lot more than I reckoned for!

(submitting this, before I accidentally delete it all...I'll be back with more!)

Toban, I will definitely remember your suggestion of activities like exercise classes to make friends. I know you don't make a friend in every activity you do, but I have made great friends through bellydance and yoga classes in the past. This is going to be especially important, because I don't foresee a lot of friendships coming out of Kevin's work. He's in an odd position in the org chart, where almost everyone he works with on a day-to-day basis is either a direct/indirect report or a supervisor. The other people at his level are in different locations. It's not really the best situation for fostering social relationships!

SarahD8, I'm not sure what that would look like for me. I am, honestly, in a bit of flux with my work right now, which really isn't helping the whole situation.

Sisi, I really hope that's the case.

Fashintern, the chances of theme park visits being with coworkers are slim to none. Corporate culture really seems to be about using perks to spend quality time with family/friends rather than coworkers.

The reason we aren't looking for a place in the mountains really has to do with living our values. Having lived in wildfire country for two decades now, we strongly feel that living in the urban-wildland interface would be irresponsible, and opening ourselves up to disasters from fire to mudslides. And, as Suz pointed out, disliking sprawl doesn't mean I don't enjoy urban neighborhoods, I do. Living at the edge of the sprawl would be contributing to increasing it, so if we have to live in a city, we'd rather put our money where our mouths are and embrace density.

I also doubt an uber-small abode would work for us, though I do see the appeal of that. My artwork requires supplies and space, so a desk in a corner wouldn't suffice. Also, for at least the first year, we'll have two 18-year-olds living with us (my son and his friend, who currently lives with us in CO). One of my bare-minimum, save-my-sanity requirements is NOT sharing a bathroom with two teenage dudes.

ChristelJ, all of your suggestions are great, and I will come back to read them again once we're settled. My husband loves SoCal and we traveled there quite often before this job, so he could get his fill of ocean and Disneyland. I'm actually pretty excited to be able to use our travel for other things. We're already planning a trip to Seattle, taking the Coast Starlight train back to LA.

Jenn: I just spent my lunch break reading this whole wonderful thread. Thank you for opening up here, and I'm so moved by the lovely input you've received! I have nothing to add really, since I've lived within a 2-hour drive my entire life, but I wish you peace thru this difficult time.

This is truly a wonderful community -- luckily, it will move with you

Jenn, we're in a really similar situation in terms of housing right now. We are leaving a 19th C renovated house in the heart of a small city (where I could walk everywhere) with studies for each of us (because we work from home) and a guest room, with a nice kitchen and living room, high ceilings, tiny but private garden....for...what? We have no idea.

People say -- just scale down!!! Get a small 2 bedroom place.

But, um...we live with a large 19 year old who is not going to be ready to spring the nest for several years due to some mental health and learning challenges.

AND, we both work from home. I can't work well in a space where there are constant interruptions, so a corner desk in the bedroom or kitchen just won't cut it. I have looked into working outside the home -- a workspace rental or even just a library or café -- but workspace would make it just as pricey as a larger place, and libraries and cafés are noisy. They'd be impossible for your kind of work, anyway.

Anyway -- I am in full agreement that if you are living with 2 teens, 2 bathrooms is a must. And a decent view out your workroom window, or at minimum, some light. I think it's perfectly fair for you to get first choice on the area.

Wishing you luck and strength and hope you'll keep us posted on how it goes.

Jenn, if it were me, and I had the space, I would plant some citrus immediately. Meyer lemons at the very least. Maybe an avocado and pomegranate. For me, that would take away some of the sting of an unwanted move.

Murph11, it really is a lovely thread, isn't it? I'm very grateful, and glad I started it, even if I did so on a quite negative day. I'll definitely be referring back once I land in LA full-time.

Suz, all unique challenges aside, young adults are staying in the nest longer now than in any generation since before the baby boomers. Mine is chomping to move out, but I don't know how realistic that's going to be financially while he's still in school (and attending a CC with no dorms). I have thought about outside studio space as well, but came to the same conclusion as you. The uncertainty is the hardest part. Wishing you luck, too!

JAileen, YES! Even if they're potted, we'd like a little cocktail garden, with lemons and limes, some mint and rosemary, and maybe even a pomegranate. I am imagining being able to mix a mojito from ingredients plucked from my little oasis.

Lots of wise advice from YLF community. I moved a lot growing up and disked it but learnt to deal with it. As I got older I went though a period of finding it exciting, I moved to the USA from the UK but it was to be with what would end up being my husband of 32 years lol. Once I had children I totally dreaded it. We moved a couple of times once back to the UK for a year. I also moved to Tokyo with a 2 year old and a newborn I was so sad and complete mess about moving there. What helped me was joining the Tokyo American Club which my husbands company paid for. I met other young Mums who were all recent transplants. We did loads of things together and are sill in touch 27 years later. Looking back I wish I had been able to see more of the unique culture and travel over there but it was difficult with the children not to mention the language barrier. Joining something was key for me. I know that you don't have young children but joining something with people who are like minded could be key for you.

Jenn, I'm late to this thread and in the wrong part of town, but if you need a local-ish friend I'm in the Pasadena area and would love to get together if you get to feeling lonely!

We also could not believe the housing prices. Once that was felt with, when we lived SW of LA, everything else was super inexpensive compared to the Midwest. You only need a small wardrobe because each day is pretty much the same, We didn’t need much in the way of heating and cooling , in fact each utility came to $10 a month , including water. Food was inexpensive as we mostly got things at farmers markets and directly from fishermen. We only had one car but DH could bike to work though strawberry fields. There is lots of free stuff like going to the beach. You will be fine.

Jenn, I just came back since I was in Off Topic. I am sure you are right about the idealised surfer lifestyle not being true to the reality. I have so little knowledge of the real LA that I don’t even know what the Valley is. And the real estate prices must be difficult, the only thing with that I suppose is that whatever you buy should hold its value well. Please update the thread every so often or start another so we can either rejoice or commiserate with you x

Jenn, think of this move as temporary rather than your forever home. If the commute is not too awful for DH I suspect you will fall in love with the area. Especially the climate. Enjoy the adventure a new place will kerp you young, with more to explore. Give it time...at least a couple of years. Most people hate California for at least a year. Just enjoy the difference.

Ah, I am quite late to this one.
However, I have moved cities, in Australia. I was born and bred in Sydney, and LOVED it. Loved everything about it. Didn't even notice the traffic that much!

However, five years ago I got a job offer that was hard to refuse.

I packed up the family (DH and DS and the dog) and we moved to Brisbane, a city which was never my favourite place in Australia. Too parochial, too "behind". It's not very cosmopolitan compared to Sydney. I feared it would be racist, and though we are white, I worried my son would see racism in ugly ways at school and in the street. My hubby was willing to go for my job, but he wasn't overly enthused either.
However, it's turned out to be terrific. Moving back in time means less hustle and bustle, less traffic and more time to do other stuff. There are fewer "cultural" options, but they are so easy to get to, and the city is pretty safe alone at night (at least to go to a book launch or a lecture), so I actually tend to go out more, rather than less. We also adore the Bay, and bought a bigger boat to take advantage of it. And I find Brisbane to be far more left-leaning than I had imagined - racism is still a problem out of the city, but I don't see a lot of it in my day to day life. We don't have quite as many friends as we did in Sydney, but really, we have enough!
So I guess this was my way of saying things don't quite work out as expected, and that you might find really unexpected delights in your new city.