Tips for Being Gracious to the Inconsiderate? - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Off Topic

Tips for Being Gracious to the Inconsiderate?

Emily

Veteran

This is kind of personal and ranty, but I would really appreciate an outside perspective. You have been warned.

Last weekend my husband and I attended an anniversary lunch for my lovely in-laws, along with his sister, niece, his aunt and uncle, and first cousins; one of whom brought her 11 week old infant. It was wonderful to see everyone, with a notable exception.

DH and I are younger than the new mum, but we got married the year before she did have been deflecting questions about when we will have children ever since. We want a family, but have not been able to conceive thus far.

Most of our friends and family have stopped asking about our plans after getting answers like "We're planning on going on a big vacation next year!" or "Not soon enough for my grandmother" or "eventually". My sister in law cannot take a hint. At lunch she speculated as to whether her 19 year old daughter might have children before me, and tallied my remaining reproductive years! At the new mum's baby shower, she gave me a spiel too about just wanting someone to spoil and how she'd be SO happy for DH and I to have a family. I listened with a smile and a raised eyebrow and said something like "Okay" when she was done. At lunch she made a pointed remark to me about wanting to be an Aunt. I sweetly reminded her that she is already an Aunt, but in my head was a very ungracious and satisfying mental image of kicking her in the shins and leaving.

I know she doesn't mean to be hurtful. Her intentions are good, if a bit self-centred. I feel like our reproductive plans are our business and a gentle deflection should be sufficient reminder of that. In a perfect word, I would make a polite response and that would be that, but her comments have mingled with my own fears and the whole mess is gnawing at my heart.

If you've read this far, you're a real trooper - thank you! Exploring the real reasons this has upset me is helpful. Here's my question for you: How do you remain gracious in the face of remarks that are hurtful in their ignorance and lack of empathy? Are there people in your life that you just have to expect not to consider your feelings?

Off Topic

34 replies

Latest reply was from

catgirl

Veteran

I feel for you! There are some topics that people think are their business no matter how much you deflect them. Weight is one, children another. I assume you do not want to share that you have been trying? Because one pointed response would be "my doctor told me to avoid pressure and stress from others at this time." In fact you could say that and leave her guessing as to what you are even talking about. Nosiness and bossiness often go hand in hand.

I used to tell people "because I am so contrary, the more you nag me the less likely I am to get pregnant."

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Oh, Emily - I have been there. It hurts, no getting around it. People's ignorance and foolishness can sometimes be shocking. You would think with infertility so much in the news these days, people would have more sense.

I think there are really only three things you can do.

1. Recognize that this is going to happen.

2. Make some decisions about how you will deal with it based on your relationships to the individuals.

3. Find a safe space to vent, or a witness who "gets it" and make sure you talk with that person regularly (or make sure you express your feelings in other ways, such as here, to us -- writing it out really helps.)

I divided the people I knew into "those I see rarely and who I am not close to" and "those I am close to, or see often enough that this is going to come up regularly."

If a person was essentially an acquaintance, I simply learned to smile and act noncommittal, as you did with your SIL. And then to vent to someone who understood (Mr. Suz, usually) after the fact.

If I knew this was going to come up a lot because of our ongoing relationship, I decided whether or not I wanted to have "a talk" with the person. In some cases, I didn't want to. I felt as you do -- it was my business, not theirs. But just knowing that I'd made a decision not to discuss it helped me get through those encounters. (And then I would go vent afterwards. Or cry.)

With a few people, I made the decision to tell them. I said something like, "Actually, we've been trying to have children and so far I have not conceived. There is nothing that would give me greater happiness, but right now this is a painful subject for me as I am sure you can understand. And I'm not really ready to share the news with the rest of the world, so I'd be very grateful if you could keep this to yourself."

Of course you have to have a certain level of trust with someone to feel confident that she will abide by your request.

Big hugs to you. It's a tough time of year and new babies can bring out the tears.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Aww, poor Emily! I think you're right - she's not trying to be inconsiderate, but she is being rather nosy and unfair. It is a private matter when (if) two people decide to have a child; or one person does for that matter.

My asian relatives have 0 boundaries, so they ask me all sorts of rude stuff all the time, I usually say something to the lines of, "My doctors say it will be an ongoing project!" - It's always good to blame the docs, because they're not there to defend themselves and it lends it some 'officiality'!

Anonymous

Wow, it's amazing how insensitive people can be. I'm sorry you're having to deal with such rudeness. I can't think of anything to add. Suz has given really good advice. I'm sending hugs your way.

ironkurtin

Veteran

I didn't get this much for my first, but I got a lot of questions about when I was having a second. I don't know if this helps, but I had two standard responses:
- "I can't afford it." (There is not much people can do to counter this argument.)
- I would fake misty eyes, then say, softly, looking away, "I really don't want to talk about that." This always made people feel like crap and then they never brought it up again.

Or default to Miss Manners and smile and say, "Oh, I don't discuss that." Repeat as necessary.

MsMary

Veteran

I'm so sorry she is being such an inconsiderate goofball! Hugs to you!

I was going to suggest what IK suggested: "I really don't want to discuss it," accompanied by misty eyes and a crack in your voice.

Mary Beth (formerly LBD)

(website)

Veteran

In the early years of my marriage, I used to get this question all the freakin' time, from supposedly 'polite' company that we had just met, and pushy in-laws alike. While I am generally noted for my good manners, there are just some things I'm not going to listen to. So when it came to the interrogation about children, the question-and-answer session generally followed this format:

Inquisitor: So... do you have any children
Me: Not yet.
Inquisitor: Are you trying? (YES. Seriously. I cannot count how many people feel this is an appropriate question to ask someone they just met half an hour earlier)
Me: If, by 'trying', you mean 'having sex', why yes. We 'try' every chance we get.

I found that if you smile wickedly and look them in the eye, it shuts down the conversation completely, and you never have it with that person again. And they are reeeeeal careful about the gossipy comments they make about the other officers' wives, in your presence.

I had the above conversation with at least five different people during the 13 years of my marriage.

****************************************

Pushy In-Law Trying To Compare Us Unfavorably With Her Own Blessedly-Reproducing and Therefore, Superior Offspring: Don't you want children someday?

Me: We're considering it. We haven't ruled it out as a possibility.

PIL: Well, you don't want to wait too long, or you'll be too old. (YES. Country-clubbing b*tch thought this was a courteous and well-mannered thing to say).

Me: I am aware of that.

PIL: Well, I'm just worried that you'll miss out.

Me: Well, if we ever feel we missed out, we'll adopt a coupla good used ones. Look at our dogs, we got them used at the pound, and they've been great dogs. Already broken-in, and trained. Can't beat that.

I smiled the sweetest, most angelic smile when I said that, and the topic NEVER came up for discussion again. I only had to have this conversation once, because the word was out. Nice girl has sharp claws and will stick up for herself.

I just think it is beyond inappropriate. I have never felt like I missed out by not having children... but I had a co-worker go through the heartbreak of three failed in vitro attempts, and it wiped out her savings. I never even knew, until one day she just broke down in tears. I have never seen anyone cry so hard, and I felt gutted for her.

Just because somebody doesn't bare their heart and soul to you, doesn't mean that the topic isn't a hurtful one.

Gaylene

Veteran

Like Suz, I think being gracious and noncommittal , as you've done, is the best way to handle intrusive remarks from family and friends, despite the inclinations we all have to shut up the offender with a witty, cutting remark. Deflecting the subject to doctors, money, or some other topic is also an option, but, unfortunately, I've usually found that anyone who persists in pushing the issue once you've been given your noncommittal responses rarely gives up that readily.

My response in these situations is to just flat out say "I'd prefer not discuss this any more." If the person looks like she/he won't respect your request, get up and move away from them. To my way of thinking, offering excuses or making noncommittal responses keeps the topic going in the mind of the offender; the old Internet adage "Don't feed the trolls" seems applicable here.

Nebraskim

Veteran

I chose to not have children. My response to busy-bodies who asked MYOB questions about this was "well, we'll let you know if anything changes. Until then, we shan't discuss this again, OK?" If they persisted, depending on my relationship, I might have accidentally dropped an f-bomb their way as in "STFU please." Sorry for the kinda crudity, but sometimes, you need to pull out the big guns for the really stupid people. If they are offended, well, they kind of asked for it.

Emily

Veteran

Thank you all for your very thoughtful responses.

AlaskaGirl: I have been tempted to say "Every time you ask I buy more birth control!"

Suz, Thank you. I will be keeping your steps in my back pocket for Christmas (or maybe on my phone). It reminds me of a negotiation course I took - one of the tools that was discussed was "best alternative to a negotiated agreement" or BATNA. In a nutshell, before you enter into negotations you decide on your best case scenario if negotiations fail. That way you aren't powerless going in to the situation. You're right that I'd rather not have a "talk", I don't trust my SIL to keep anything to herself. I think having a plan in place before I see her next will be very helpful.

Lyn, lol, permission from a doctor to blame doctors... I'll take it.

Ruth, thank you for the hugs!

IK, Solid suggestions, for sure; though I think "we can't afford it" would get us some side eye re:our pinball machines and travel plans... I may have to work on my stage tears.

In general I am prepared to answer questions, and I've gotten pretty good at disengaging from direct questioning pretty quickly. The thing about SIL that really throws me is that she doesn't ask a question. Instead, she makes a comment; sometimes directly to me, and sometimes loudly and in my earshot. It doesn't leave much room for snappy comebacks aside from ignoring her, which I guess is the best possible answer.

LACeleste

Veteran

Hi Emily,

It is never easy.

I am truly sorry people say idiotic insensitive things---especially about extremely personal topics.

I am more likely to quietly fume rather than confront but that is not healthy.

I am partial to the eyebrow raise and old school "I beg your pardon?!?" when asked something wildly inappropriate.

Some people have low EQ--sad but true.

Gaylene

Veteran

Oh, I get it. Your SIL doesn't ask direct questions, she just rhapsodizes about the blessings of children in your presence until you want to run screaming from the room. To ask her to stop would result in a wounded expression; you would be the bad guy in this scene because of your crass and willful denial of the joys of motherhood. In other words she is being a bore and you are stuck with the role of being her unwilling audience.

I'd handle her the way I'd handle a bore at any social event. Some people spill a drink on themselves to have an excuse to get away, but that sounds a bit extreme and, besides, might ruin a perfectly good outfit. My preferred tactic when my eyes stare to glaze over, and I'm thinking that stuffing something in his/her mouth might be a good option, is to follow my Debrett's etiquette book and "try to out-bore the bore, while indulging in an enjoyable venting of spleen. With not a thought for politeness, wrench the conversational initiative away from him/her and start ranting about a subject close to your own heart. It's cathartic to get stuff off your chest and with any luck you'll scare off the bore who's unused to having the conversational baton stolen."

So you just need to think about a couple of rants you want to get off your chest. Maybe the deplorable way yoga pants and PJs are the chosen dress for young mothers these days?

Janet

(website)

Veteran

You've already gotten some wonderful advice here (I love IK's responses and LBD's, and Suz has some great words of wisdom), but I just wanted to sympathize. I DO NOT understand how people think it's a good idea to interrogate others about their procreation plans! Good lord.

I'm kinda glad I'm getting too old to be asked about it anymore. I never had kids of my own, and I have no regrets. I'm not shy about letting people know that when they get too nosy.

Emily

Veteran

Haha, Gaylene, I like your strategy. She's a little less benign than that - she goes on about how fantastic it would be if I was a mother vs how fantastic motherhood is. Or how her daughter has a bit of time if she wants to have kids first because "Emily isn't 30 yet". Eyeroll.

Anonymous

This was not particularly gracious, but I remember being asked that question at a Christmas party years ago. I blurted out the first thing that came into my mind: "Oh my goodness, not even my mother asks me that!" The questioner flushed and changed the subject. Later a few other women came up to me and told me they loved my response.

Anonymous

What Suz says. And I LOVE Alicat's response!

I'm very sorry you're going through this. It's not an easy road. We are now on year 3 of trying to get (and stay) pregnant with kiddo #2. Comments about when/if we'll have more children sting mightily. Trust me, I'd love that, but I have some problems that didn't exist when I got pregnant with DS almost five years ago. I've learned to accept that most people, unless they've been there too, just don't get it. Honestly, acceptance has made those encounters feel less personal/emotional than trying to come up with a snappy comeback on the spot. Over time, I've become more comfortable about being upfront about our challenges without offering any real information. The last time a nosy cousin said something (in front of the entire family, no less), I just shrugged and said, "I wish it were that easy." I kept a neutral tone of voice so as not to appear defensive. It got the point across.

You have to handle this in a way that feels comfortable for you and your DH. It is not your responsibility to come up with a response that keeps others happy, especially when it's about something so personal. Good luck -- and know we're rooting for you.

Gaylene

Veteran

Seems like your SIL wants everyone else in the family to get on-board so she can continue with her mothering role. I've always suspected the more a woman insists on the delights of motherhood for another woman, especially a younger one, the more likely it is that she is experiencing some uncertainty with her own role. Having children is great--don't get me wrong-- but it isn't something that you do to make a family member happy.

It might be worthwhile to consider if your SIL's not so subtle comments on the delights of family and children might really be more about her trying to find a role for herself now that she is growing older and sees her kids becoming adults in their own right. In her eyes, if others in her family start having children, it could be the ideal solution because it would let her continue in a role that she finds familiar and worthwhile.

I've always found it easier to tolerate another person's intrusive remarks once I realize that it's quite possible that what's underlying the "advice" might not really be about me at all. The next time your SIL starts on her soliloquies about motherhood, tell her she is a great mom and you admire the wonderful job she has done with her kids, then change the topic to something that interests you--like what she is planning to do with the rest of her life now that her kids are adults?

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

I hear you too. I guess that's part of the whole family dynamic that can make the holidays challenging for some of us. I had to deal with the "When are you going to have kids?" or similar line of questioning for years before finally I reached a certain age (at least I guess that's what happened) when it was so obviously inappropriate to ask that I never had to come up with an answer again. Whew! Back in the day, I'd typically say something vague like "it just may not be in the cards for us" just to avoid the whole issue of discussing the personal side. I learned that after choosing to go ahead and discuss the personal side of it a few times - which never really worked out to be a great conversation in my experience.

Lyn D.

Veteran

This must be really tough for you, especially during the festive season.
I agree with Suz that not getting into this discussion is a good option, and de-briefing with your partner/ understanding friend or relative and YLF is important too.
Good Luck!

Eliza

Veteran

Emily- So sorry that people are behaving that way. Lots of great advice here. I think it helps to know who you are most likely to be encountering this from, so that you can have a few pat replies at the ready, including pretending you didn't hear the question. Alicat's remark is great. Cuts right to heart of the matter, with a bit of shaming and a hint of humor. Never underestimate the power of changing the conversation direction or just walking away, as well as being excruciatingly vague. In response to "when" questions, I think a simple "ah, sweet mysteries of life" with eyes looking skyward followed by an exit or subject change could work with some people. If I were close to someone and it kept coming up, I might pull them aside to say that DH and I have decided not discuss this topic and you hope they can respect that.

Hang in there. All of us have sensitive areas and it seems increasingly common for people to nose into personal business without regard for how their interrogating might impact someone else. It may be the flip side of our over-sharing society; people over-ask and lack boundaries about who is an intimate vs. who is an acquaintance, as well as what topics are simply off-limits. Following other people's lead about what they want to talk about seems pretty basic, but many lack the skill set.

Kristin L

Veteran

I don't have any advice what to say, but I really like what Suz and a few others have said. Why is it that "the most wonderful time of the year" can also the most stressful or annoying? I love Christmas, but some relatives...

claire

I totally sympathize. I used to get the same questioning after DS was born, and it seems the harder we were working at making #2, the more sensitive I was to these types of questions. And it's no one else's business. I finally just came up with the answer "wow, that's really personal" (in a loud voice) and left them to squirm. But I do think gaylene is right, it's less about you and more about her own insecurities. And for me now the stinging comment is always "so you ONLY have one?" Grrrr.

Echo

Veteran

I wish I had a good suggestion for something to say to these wildly inappropriate comments. What I can tell you is that it, unfortunately, never gets better. Somehow, everyone from complete strangers to close family members feel that any random woman's reproductive choices are up for public discussion, whether the woman already has children or not.

A complete stranger once frowned at me and started on a speech about how I was too young to be a parent and I had my whole life ahead of me, and did I have any idea of how a baby would change my life. And this was in the OB's waiting room! I kindly informed her that I was 33 and it wasn't my first, so I wouldn't be surprised.

My point is that any woman with or without children has to field completely inappropriate comments and questions about things that are none of anyone else's business. It is all the more painful when it is something you would rather not discuss.

I would probably go with the, "Wow, that's a REALLY personal question..." and just leave that hang in the air for a while. Until they are made aware that their questions are NOT welcomed and are NOT just good-natured fun, they will keep at it, so you really ought to say something.

MsMaven

Veteran

Sorry to find out this kind of commenting still happens. Decades ago after having two kids in less than two years I was frequently asked when I was going to have another baby. I sympathize with you, Emily, because this bothered me and I never had a good answer. I memorized several, including "why do you want to know?" In the moment I couldn't get them out.

I've been catching up on forums and blogs after being away for several days, and after reading your post I found this on Psychology Today.http://www.psychologytoday.com.....priate-que

Much of the advice is the same as others have posted here, but the post also goes into possible reasons people may do this.

My husband has been part of a stress therapy study group for several years, and one item he learned there has been helpful to both of us: First look for the kindly intention behind the intrusive act.

I still wish I could deliver a quick comeback when people say rude things.

ClaraT

Veteran

You do not need to make up an answer to "when are you having kids". The real answer is "It is none of your business." The more polite thing to say is, "Why are you so interested in my sex life? That is really a personal thing."

Say it with a smile and keep on saying it, sister. It is nobody's business but yours, and she should feel rude, not you. Seriously, this works: you need to make the point, gently if you are a gentle person, that this is not to be discussed and by doing so she is being hurtful. Say it that way if you must, in public if you must, and she will not bring it up again. Call me cynical, but you have tried gentle deflection and it hasn't worked.

ironkurtin

Veteran

My father used to say that nothing was as sweet or as tender as children, especially when fed beer, massaged daily, and roasted slowly.

Feel free to reuse if you like.

Adelfa

Veteran

This is not a very feminist sounding option, and I haven't tried it myself, but have you considered having your husband tell his sister to lay off? I have read in more than one place that in-law problems need to be addressed by the blood relative. This makes sense to me, although, again, it's not a strategy that I've used.

So sorry. Sounds awful.

Esther

I would second Adelfa's solution. My inlaws are all extremely close, and for years after I got married, my bossy SIL ruled EVERYTHING! Every time we were together, her opinion ruled. She would pout if she didn't get her way, and everyone was expected to kowtow to what she wanted. Then one time at a Christmas party with some friends, she really made me mad and I finally said something, and because, I think, I was an inlaw, she had a complete tantrum and it turned into an ugly scene. I walked out and my husband ran interference when she tried to follow me to continue her ranting. And he talked to her extensively after she calmed down, a few days later. She loves her brother, and realized that both he and I were hurt by her behavior, and thereafter made a real effort to be less over-bearing. I had put up with stuff for too long, wanting to not make waves, and to just get along. But until her behavior was challenged, nothing changed. Once it was pointed out to her, she made an effort. But I truly dont think she could have heard it from me, it needed to come from him. And I think, it needed to come at a calm moment, when her emotions were not engaged, in order for her to be able to be less defensive and truly hear what he was saying.
I hope that you can find an effective way to deal with this repeated invasion of your privacy.

ramya

Veteran

I have started using "With your blessings we may reach there sooner than later :D". Results in them starting on the track of how they would pray for us and would happen sooner. gosh heard the versions a lot this time when I visited India!!!!

12