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The Truth (For moms and moms-to-be)

Patience

Veteran

I had one of ~those~ experiences at the mall yesterday and it got me thinking...

The disclaimer: I'm not writing this to complain or lament anything. I'm writing just to record how it is in case you were curious or didn't know.

The numbers: I am 34 years old. I have 3 children. My youngest is 4 months old. I gained 40+ pounds during pregnancy. I gained 2 cup sizes and 2 pants sizes. Currently, I have 10 pounds left to lose and 1 pants size.

The facts: It will take me at least 6 more months to lose the 10 pounds and the pants size. It will take two years total to lose the cup sizes, one per year. I am just getting out of maternity pants at 4 months and I still look pregnant.

The ugly: There will always be someone to ask if I'm pregnant or say something rude.

The bad: Short of a tummy tuck, there is probably nothing I can do to get back a flat stomach. I will always look little pregnant (especially after eating a big meal).

The good: I've done this 3 times now, so I basically know what to expect. While nursing I know that I don't have to and shouldn't think about dieting. I know that I am fortunate to have a body that does pretty well in getting back into shape.

The conclusion: Since I'm human I will probably always wish a little to have a flat stomach and be hurt when someone asks or looks at me like I'm pregnant. But I refuse to change my behaviors because of this. I accept what three babies (and just plain getting older) have done to my body because they were well worth it. Sometimes I feel like people just don't know these things. They just don't know what is normal.

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34 replies

Latest reply was from Sihaya

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

My dear, Patience. You are stunning. THAT's a fact.

But I thank you for this heartfelt post. Did someone ask you if you were pregnant today? I so sorry that people can be rude.

Maya

Veteran

Fantastic Patience. You are a wise soul and I'm glad you were able to rise above someone else's thoughtless words. I'm sure I don't have to say this but I'm going to anyway: You looked beautiful before during, and now after pregnancy.

FWIW, I have never borne any children and I have also never had a flat tummy. Not even when I was 95 pounds. It just isn't possible on my body, unless perhaps I am emaciated and have 0% body fat.

Luckily I have yet to be asked the dreaded question, but if I ever do I will remember what you said. People don't know what is normal.

yublocka

(website)

Veteran

Patience I'm echoing Angie and Maya in saying that you have, are and always will be a stunner. Sure your body may not look the same as it did 10 years ago, but whose does? And bearing 3 children is an amazing thing to have accomplished. And trust me, as a 100% apple I'm sure even now your tummy is flatter than mine will ever be!!!

cyan45

congrats on birthing 3 lovely children. i greatly admire parents like you for all that you do.

however, i confess i mistakenly asked an acquaintance once if she was expecting it was sincere and not malicious at all:

1) i hadn't seen her in a very long time,
2) she already has a 6 y/o daughter and assumed maybe they were ready to expand the family,
3) she is in her early 30's, and
4) the cropped apron she wore seemed to emphasis her stomach a lot (she dresses in a very arty, chic way, but it looked like she had a perfectly sphere ball underneath)....

i was MORTIFIED i made such a gaffe. after an embarrassed apology, i quickly changed the topic as gracefully as possible.

so, on behalf of all the rude people, i send you my humblest apologies!

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

The Truth about pregnancy will vary from mom to mom- but this is certainly a very common story. Patience I'm sorry that someone was rude to you.
Mine is less common, but just as true. I never had a flat tummy- and I had stretch marks by the time I hit puberty just from growing. I gained less than 20 pounds with each of my pregnancies, and when I had the first baby I weighed less the day that I went home from the hospital than I had when I got pregnant with him (well- he weighed 10.9 pounds, and my placenta weighed 5 pounds, plus all the water weight so it's pretty simple math). With my second pregnancy, my downstairs neighbors didn't notice I was pregnant until two weeks before the baby was due.
Every woman will have their own body story after birth- but it always changes you. Anthropologists can actually look at a skeleton of a woman and tell how many births she had. It's amazing!
Our bodies are made to nurture and grow another human being- so let's be gentle on them for the changes that occur.

taylor

Veteran

Beautifully heartfelt.:)

I am always amazed at how total strangers are so bold and rude. I actually have had babies so I completely understand the body image things you must wrap your mind around before, during and after pregnancy. Unkind words from strangers can be difficult.

I think your goals for weight loss are realistic and you look WONDERFUL now... so be proud.

Also my tummy is a true disaster from bringing children into the world...It really does look like a road map from stretch marks...that's what happens when you have 8 1/2 pounders...and although I would love to have a pretty tummy again, I wouldn't trade one tummy stretch mark for those babies.

My daughter just had her second child 3 weeks ago...So your post really hit home for me.....

You have 3 beautiful babies...Such a blessing!!!

Goodness Khris , that is a big baby!!!

Debbie

Veteran

Patience I'm so sorry this happened to you. I have also had three children and do not have a flat stomach and never will. As I get older I notice it more and wish I had a flatter stomach but I also am very proud to have given birth and it is a very small price to pay.
You are beautiful inside and out!

marianna

Veteran

This is a great post and I've really enjoyed reading all the comments. You're beautiful, Patience. Your figure is enviable!

cciele

Veteran

Amen, Patience. Very eloquently put.

Sorry to hear about your experience at the mall. To tell you the truth, I look at your recent photos and can't believe you're only 4 months post-pregnancy! You look awesome, girl!

Christie

Hey Patience,

I'm logging in out of a 3 month-lurkdom just to reply to your post. I am pregnant with #4, and have been asked that dreaded question by acquaintances ... 18 months after my #2, and 3 years after my #3. (Yes, I remember exactly who asked me too!) I don't naturally have a flat stomach and after babies, its not ever really going to be again. The funny thing is that only one person has asked me if I'm pregnant right now, and I'm 19 weeks!

Its normal. But it is embarrassing to respond to at the time. Ugh.

Anonymous

Thankyou for the post Patience. I believe you'll be back looking like pre baby soon and people will be astonished that you have 3 children. You have many blessings and I can tell that you love that more than a flat pre baby tunny.

stringy

Veteran

Aw, some people just don't have any manners. I don't have kids and I still get asked if I'm pregnant because I've got a little pot belly.

Even if someone *was* pregnant, there's a bunch of good reasons they might not want to tell yet, or talk to random people about it.

My general rule is to never initiate conversations about someone else's breeding status. If they want to talk about it, they can start the ball rolling and I will join in enthusiastically That way I avoid mistakes or being inappropriate.

Patience, I'm glad you've got the courage of your convictions. I hope these people can learn from you!

RoseandJoan

Veteran

Bravo Patience,

there are very unrealistic expectations of what a woman should look like after having a baby, I believe in America 'New Mommy Makeovers' are available where a tummy tuck, breast lift and liposuction are carried out before the body has even begun the healing process.

I may be mistaken but I'm sure I read that it takes seven years for a body to recover from carrying and delivering a baby

My story is rather curious, after several miscarriage I did not want to place my pregnancy with Teah under any strain. I stopped exercising and would rest at any available opportunity, by my 12 week check I had gained 24 pounds and I did not weigh myself again until Teah was 9 months old. By that time I had lost all but the last 12 pounds and had gone from a pant size UK 16 to a UK 12.

With Emmy I was very active, Teah was just crawling so I was constantly playing on the floor, pushing the pram or generally being a busy Mum whilst working part time. A week after the birth I was back to the same weight as my twelve week check. I wore my size 12 jean into the hospital and remain the same size.

My body now is not the same as before my pregnancies. I have much wider ribs and hips, my bust is lower resulting in a bony chest and yes after a big meal or the smallest amount of bloating my stomach quickly resumes the shape of being four months pregnant.

But I honestly believe considering nutrition above all else is the only way to go whilst nursing! Stomach muscles require time to regain there strength and the pelvis is one of the last parts of the body to realign. Please do not be hard on yourself you looked beautiful before, during and after your pregnancy and fools will always be fools.

rute

Veteran

Thank you Patiente!

I was speaking with my sister on the other day about that, no one advises a new mom honestly, they just say.. oh having kids it's the most wonderful thing!

No one advises how difficult is to facing a changed body, a new born always crying and those awful comments two days after having the baby .. "oh.. you are so fat"..

Sometimes we even thing there is someting wrong with us.. our baby is always crying, we had no sleep and are so tired we just want to go away..

No one tells us this is normal, our body is different, even after longs moths trying to recover the old weight, the body will never be the same, just different and that's not a bad thing, we must accept, loved it!

You have accomplished so much! 3 kids WOW!

Katiepea

(website)

Veteran

Oh Patience, my little heart did a flip-flop when I read your post and my eyes misted over just a tad. I really understand *exactly* what you are saying and couldn't agree more with everything you have said.

When my baby three was less than six months old (I'd had 3 bubs in just on four years - so I was basically alternating between being a cow (feeding) or pregnant for fouryears in a row) I was asked about three times in a matter of weeks when my next bub was due. Hello? Didn't I look like I already had my hands full with a newborn, a two year old and just turned four year old?! It was made even worse because I have three beautiful boys and people just could not seem to accept that I was not "desperate" for a girl. Arrrrrgggghhhhh!

I can remember that at the point you are at now, I'd lament about my poor tummy - it shaped up ok after baby 1 and 2, but baby 3 somehow sadly, "wrecked me" forever, or so it felt at the time. My poor hubby would see my crest-fallen face as I looked in a mirror and struggled with the concept of viewing myself as being a vibrant, sexy woman, who just happened to be a mother of three. He'd try to reassure me, but hey - it wasn't looking pretty (or so it seemed to me at the time).

Patience, my point of writing the above statement is to reassure you that there are lots of us mummy's out there who have felt exactly how you feel RIGHT now. I would like to say, however that whilst yes, I absolutely agree that our bodies do change forever after a baby and yes, it did take a LOT longer for my body to "bounce back" (somewhat) after baby three (is it a mid 30's thing?!), it, however slowly has - even with wrecked ab muscles, stretchmarks, extra skin yada-yada-yada. I can even look in a mirror now, even with my lumps and bumps and extra skinny, saggy bits (and I don't mean skinny as in slim) I can say, "yep - looking good for me!" Have faith - you'll get there!

Now, go give your gorgeous baby a cuddle for me and give your tummy a gentle, loving rub to thank it for helping to produce such beautiful children! x

An

Thank-you for your post Patience and congrats on your 3 littlies. You have a fantastic attitude and I enjoy reading your posts.

I totally hear what you are saying. I have 2 little ones, the youngest is 6 months and I am about 10kg heavier than usual. And although I know it is so unimportant in comparison to my gorgeous little boy, I find the changes in my body very frustrating and challenging at times. My body seems to stay very 'frumpy' while I'm breastfeeding (so much for breastfeeding helping lose weight!) and then gradually returns to some kind of normality after I stop (at least I'm hoping that happens again this time!). I keep reminding myself that they are little for such a short time and I think the really important thing is to just remember to enjoy all the beautiful bits of motherhood and know that the hard stuff really does just pass so quickly.

You are gorgeous Patience! Thanks for being real!!

Laura

(website)

Veteran

Amen Patience! Thank you for recording the truth about pregnancy and early motherhood.

It's somehow heartening to see that lots of us never did have a flat stomach, even pre-baby -- myself included. I remember being with my mom in a dressing room when I was young, and her telling me that we are not the kind of women who have flat stomachs. Ever. It's just our fate in life!

And what you write about how long it takes to come back from a pregnancy is so true. It's a full two-year process from conception to getting back to your start weight (and lots of women never do). A full two years! And you've done it three times!

Kudos Patience

Sarah

(website)

Veteran

Ugh. I too have been asked this question (three times by complete strangers) and it just hurts. I haven't had kids, either.
With that said, Patience I'd love to look as good as you do post-baby any day!
I have the privilage of getting to see you interact with your kids, and as much as I envy your figure, I really envy your mothering. If I ever have kids, I hope I'm as good a mommy to them as you are to yours. And that is what truly matters. I know you wouldn't change your post-baby tummy for any of your babies.
I also know that it's only been FOUR MONTHS since little Luke was born. It has taken me three years to lose weight. It takes time to lose it in a healthy way, and you'll be just fine.
I know you didn't want sympathy, but I truly am sorry that someone was so cruel.

Losermom

Patience, you speak the truth. I never had a flat tummy. And with each pregnancy (2 spaced 8 years apart) I gained more and more weight. I never believed that my tummy would bounce back at my age (47) and after my weight loss. I have a ton of huge stretch marks from my pregnancies, both of my kids were over 9 lbs. I didn't gain a lot of weight during the pregnancies, I stress/emotionally ate afterwards, but that's a story for another time. What my point is, and yes I do have one, is that your body has done amazing things! And there are going to be some battle scars--it's not going to be perfect. But those kids of yours, they are perfect little creations that came out of you. Congrats on bouncing back so quickly after pregnancy. I'm so impressed.

Boof

Patience, thank you for writing this post. It makes me sad that our culture looks at what happens to bodies naturally as ugly. Pregnancy, childbirth, aging, etc. all take their toll...but isn't that what is supposed to happen? I think "real" bodies are beautiful, and the world would be a much kinder place if the focus was shifted to taking good care of your body rather than surgically altering it.

Even when I was young and very thin, I always had a tummy pooch...a fun family trait. Strangers have asked if I was pregnant countless times. That is just no fun. I remember holding my first daughter as an infant and having people ask if I was expecting. I just wanted to say, "Seriously?! Can you not see that I'm holding a new baby?"

I never lost all of my weight between my two girls, and I finally lost the "baby weight" for good when my youngest was five. :o)

My dermatologist calls all of the battle scars that we carry "marks of wisdom and beauty." I tend to agree.

Patience, you are such a wise and beautiful woman. How blessed your children are to have you as their example! :o)

Patience

Veteran

Thank you, everyone, for being SO supportive.

Khrs, Julie, An, Cricket, LMom, Katiepea, Taylor, thank you for sharing your stories. Khris, your experience may be less common, but I know your know it's still normal. (My last baby was 9 lbs 6 oz so Cheers!) Just as everyone's body is so different, our stories will be different but I feel compelled to have this conversation so that people can be more aware of what's normal. What's portrayed in the media is so often not reality.

Rute, thank you for being so articulate about what's real.

And now I am laughing because I don't recall *ever* having the thought "look how nice and flat my tummy is" so what's the point of belaboring the other? Thank you for pointing that out.

Patience

Veteran

I forgot to say the most imiportant thing-- that what I appreciate most have been all of your wonderful comments concerning my abilities as a mother, Boof, Sarah, San and everyone. I always say that the best gift you can give a new mother is confidence.

Itari

(website)

Cheer up, Patience. I don't have kids, but I was asked if I was pregnant, when I was 15. That was a terrible thing to say to a teenage girl! Oh, and when I was 12, someone told me that I'd never be slim because of my heavy build.

My mom had a kid when she was 40. My brother was 4 kg despite being born in 37th week. He'll celebrate his 6th birthday in October and my mom still can't lose her baby belly. It looks weird, because she's a tall, slender Racy Rectangle.

LoP

Veteran

This is so beautifully written Patience! You are so beautiful and a great mother from what I can tell.

Comments are a recent issue for me lately as well. I gained a few pounds, enough to make my chest area look bigger as it is where I gain weight first. I get up at 4am every day to work on my dissertation before work so I don't drink most of the time. "not drinking+body change+first kid older than 2" leads to "are you pregnant" questions more often than I would think.

marianne

I can't believe people ask this, especially strangers. Completely outrageous IMO. I have never been asked, but seriously, I would respond with "Didn't your mother teach you not to ask this question?"
Patience, I agree with others, although I haven't met you, you come across as a great mother. Quite enviable!
P.S. I never had a flat tummy either, and stopped worrying about it years ago. It is true that post-babies it expands significantly after meals. Though my biggest post-pregnancy peeve is my hip joints and lower back issues, and it has barely gotten better after 2 years.

stringy

Veteran

Marianne, one time when I was asked by a stranger, I kind of squinted at them and said loudly "Do I know you?". The lady mumbled some sort of reply, and I said "Oh" just as loudly and turned and walked away. Not quickly, just... away.

I hope she's too embarrassed to ever accost strangers again. The same line works on guys on the train who tell me to smile. It makes me look a little odd, but hey, at least I'm not the one who thinks they've got the right to comment on the appearance of every person in the street.

Maya

Veteran

Ahhh Stringy I HATE that. I rambled about this once on Michelle's blog. Why do random strangers feel the need to command me, or anyone else, to smile? Do they have any idea what might be going on in my life? What I'm thinking? Why do I have to be grinning like a banshee or a moron in order to please them?

...especially on the train. NJ transit does not warrant smiling (Michelle almost had an apoplexy when I told her my monthly commuting fees).

Kate

Veteran

I just want to echo how fab all of you are, and that very few women (myself included) EVER have a flat tummy, regardless of how healthy and fit they might be. For most of us they are unrealistic, and I would take the having kids over killer abs any day.

Maya, when my parents lived in NY in the 80s a man came up to my mom and told her she would be prettier if she smiled. She gave him a cold stare and said "my mother just died"! It was far from the truth, but it got him to leave her alone!

I also had a friend who is lactose intolerant, ate cheese anyway, and had an absurdly bloated belly the entire time we were studying in South Africa. MANY people asked her when the baby was due, and she just played along with it - made up a due date and everything. She thought it was easier that way. She also had a teen girl ask her if she was "pregnant or just fat"! People can be so absurd...

Itari

(website)

People can be so insensitive sometimes... Few months ago I heard two women talking in a tram, it seemed that they were friends or something. They talked for a while and one of them asked the second (loudly):

"What week of your pregnancy would it be now if you hadn't miscarried?"

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