The risk of K/R threads - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Dressing

Welcome! Read about what to wear and how to wear it on the YLF Blog. Join the YLF Forum to ask specific questions or just chat about fashion and personal style. Or check out the curated list of things we love in YLF Finds.

Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

The risk of K/R threads

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

My recent K/R post for the Theory Lanai jacket (http://youlookfab.com/welookfa.....eory-lanai) has prompted
a lot of thinking and a bit of an examination of my relationship with my
clothes and style.

At the risk of offending any Fabbers and of our wonderful leader Angie, I have to admit to some growing concerns about how YLF has changed me in some negative ways.

I am all for being PPP and am overall so much happier with the items taking up precious closet space in my bedroom. I truly LOVE my clothes. But I also obsess far more over items and genuinely agonize over making some decisions about keeping or returning an item. I also order a whack more stuff and return about 90% of it, which takes up a ton of time and energy – both of which I’m low on at certain times.

My husband doesn’t often interject his opinion into my K/R items but last night felt compelled to comment about the Lanai jacket. He could tell I really liked it and he liked it but when some questions were being discussed about perfect fit, to be honest, I felt a little deflated and immediately began to explain what I liked, what I wasn’t worried about and basically trying to justify my purchase of the jacket. DH finally said to me “You love the jacket don’t you? Then keep it,
wear it and enjoy it. Not every single detail has to be perfect – people you
walk by aren’t going to be examining the jacket inch by inch down to the very
minutiae. That’s not real life.”

I found this to be a bit of an “aha” moment. In real life we are not standing still in some sort of pose so that Jane Public can critique our clothing. We are in constant motion, taking our jackets off and on when cold and/or hot, sitting, standing, etc. Very obvious fit issues aside, are small details truly noticeable to anyone but us? Do we over examine and analyze our clothing to the point of being neurotic?

Sometimes I just want to be happy with my stuff. So I think I’m going to make a personal choice and not post K/R threads for items I really love. Please know my feelings aren’t hurt by those who didn’t love the Lanai back and I certainly hope this doesn’t come across as sulking. It’s just that my husband’s observations and comments really made me stop and think and could make for an interesting discussion, don't you think?

Dressing

47 replies

Latest reply was from cheryle (Dianthus)

Mochi

Veteran

Hi, Shannon. I had assumed that K/R threads were for instances when people had doubts, and were not looking for approval or a group consensus. I'm NOT saying that you're doing that...just making a generalized assumption. We are all clearly on various points of the spectrum with this anyway, so the application doesn't fit everywhere, or even with one person for all occasions. That's just how I would find K/R helpful.

It's great to eventually be able to step into one's own confidence, too. And use the advice on here for very specific times when one truly feels over one's head or lacking in perspective or ability to judge in specific ways. This certainly happens.

There's one thing I also notice here....I think maybe it's just a little semantic thing, but it stands out. And I think it's not just YLF, but a "woman thing." But I read a lot, "What do we think about this?" Weird, isn't it? We don't all share groupthink! Plus, if you don't know what you think, are you waiting for someone to tell you what you think? Am I overthinking this?

Anyway, I'm glad to see you're releasing and feeling more capable in going with your gut, and not succumbing to nitpickiness and the quest for unobtainable perfection (especially for those of us with particularly tricky body types).

You are doing fine. You rock!

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

I totally agree Nancy - K/R threads are definitely for when you have doubts and I will most definitely still be posting those. In this instance I loved the jacket from the get go and actually felt the fit was good for me so should have had the confidence to just go with that. That's all I meant.

kellygirl

Veteran

I totally get this and think I am sensitive to this because I have teens in the house. DD's obsess about little details that I honestly can't even see with my own eyeballs! In motion and going about our daily lives, I hardly notice details--unless it is an obvious fit issue or someone is at the store in their PJs! I also think that if someone posts a K/R, I tend to look more critically so if you love something, I think it's a good idea to say up front, "this isn't a keep or return."

ironkurtin

Veteran

Shannon, this is why I tend to ignore feedback a lot. It's not that I don't value it, it's that I trust my gut instinct more. If I love something and someone else doesn't, whatever. My being happy is more important than pleasing a forum.

Chase your bliss!

Thistle

Veteran

I still post the occassional K/R thread, but only about an item I am unsure of or that DH and I don't agree on. I don't feel the ened to have every purchase YLF, and enother should you or anyone else.

I think people are trying to give you an honest critique and are trying to help you find perfect pieces.

If you are already in love, than a K/R is probably not the right kind of thread. I missed the jacket thread, so I can't comment on that in particular.

Mochi

Veteran

That also means returning something that's, gulp, Angie-approved! Like the cobalt sweater I just could not love.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I totally get this, Shannon! If I love something and have no intention of considering a return, I won't post a K/R. I simply don't want to open every purchase I make to that level of scrutiny. I reserve K/R's for something I am unsure of, for whatever reason -- a new style to me, question about fit, etc. I will usually make it clear in the post whether I have doubts or whether I am in love with the item. That way haters can stay quiet.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Shannon, you absolutely should go with your gut! If you love something, keep it. You have superb style and great instincts. You know what you like and what works for you.

Like Nancy, I had assumed K/R threads were for those instances where we felt some uncertainty. And where a more in-depth analysis might be called for.

Having said that, I've certainly posted K/R for items I was pretty darn sure I wanted to keep. And I've also posted for items that I was determined to return -- come hell or high water! So even though in theory (ha ha -- look at that pun!) I believe in K/R posts only for those items that aren't surefire either way, in practice I've often posted such threads for other reasons.

Why? Well...because I find the feedback interesting and instructive. It always interests me when people do not like the item I love; it gives me something to ponder about varying style sensibilities, and helps me put their future advice and comments into perspective.

Ditto for those who love an item I think is a dud.

For some, fit is absolutely of the utmost importance. Others focus more on colour. Still others filter most things through their sense of the wearer's style persona or rubric; still others have trouble getting past their own rubrics or personae. Some can't see past the styling in the pics; others can and do. Some notice small details and others do not. And all of it is interesting to me.

And obviously, when people do love the item I love, that's a boost. But that's a minor reason to post.

And then, too, Angie's thoughts are always so valuable; to me, it's worth putting it out there for her estimation, even if -- ultimately, as sometimes happens -- I end up disagreeing with her or deciding that even if she's right that the item looks great (or looks lousy) I am sending it back (or keeping it, despite her personal reservations or those of others.)

In the end, your love for an item has to trump all. Because happiness factor is what it's ALL about!

The thing is...I know at other times you've posted items that you loved and said so, full stop -- i.e. you just posted for us to look at and admire (which we usually do, LOL, because you have such a great wardrobe and such fantastic style!)

So...that made me think there was perhaps something about the Lanai that worried you even though you also loved it.

In the end, the worry doesn't matter if the love outweighs it, is my view. Still...another teeny tiny caution from my own experience:

Remember how controversial my floral jacket was in the spring? Some people just loathed it, or loathed it for me, or whatever. And I did hesitate because the pattern isn't my usual. Well, I ended up really enjoying it. I wore it a ton, to many, many compliments. Still, I will very probably pass it along next season. True, that's partly because as such a statement piece it sort of earned its keep and now I'm sick of it. But it's also because the nagging issue of the print not being quite right for me is still in my mind. So. FWIW.

Yours in style solidarity. And on the weekend it will be your turn to talk to me about the Lanai.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Oh, Nancy, I have returned Angie-approved items too! Sometimes I'll just realize I won't get the necessary wear out of it. I posted a white dress for feedback early this year that I ended up returning, despite mostly positive response, including an endorsement from Angie. It just wasn't what I *really* wanted.

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Excellent points IK and Thistle! And Nancy you are right - it also means returning an Angie approved item.

Just to clarify, it's not the negative feedback that I'm questioning, it's whether or not we worry about certain details more than we need to regarding our clothing. Have we taken PPP to the extreme?

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Cross posted Janet and Suz

It's true that when I truly love an item, I don't post a K/R (like the RW&Co blazer for instance). But because I had already had a thread about the Lanai and ordering it, I felt that I should follow up with a K/R since people might be waiting for me to show it.

Gosh I hope I haven't opened a can of worms by starting this discussion....

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Ah, as to worrying overmuch about details -- for me that hasn't been the case. I actually feel a much greater clarity.

Now, Mr. Suz THINKS it is the case with the BR suit which he believes I should just cut the tags from and wear! But honestly, I enjoy the process of comparison and filtering and I learn so much from it. At a certain point, when it comes to winter boots, for example, I may well have to let go of a certain amount of PPP and just accept that I have serious fit issues in this area. If so, so be it! But in the meantime, I'd rather keep looking and keep my standards high.

For me, fit, cut, and fabrication are key. I'm sending back the Pleione crossover blouse that got mixed reviews here -- despite the fact that Angie and Sveta voted yes. Why? Well, partly because I still have reservations about the big bold stripe for myself. And mostly because i have serious reservations about the polyester fabric. I am waiting for one in a pattern or a fabrication I like better.

modgrl

(website)

Veteran

Lots of good insights here... when I first started on YLF, I was posting alot of K/R threads because I didn't trust my judgement at all. I needed unbiased eyes to tell me if something worked for me.... I don't do this so much any more. If I am really unsure of an item, I will post K/R (sci fi shoes & clutch K/R posts coming soon). Otherwise I might post something and make it clear that I am not looking for feedback, more like a "WOW Look at this awesome sweater I found and couldn't wait to show all of you!!" If I really love something, I kinda don't want anyone to tell me they don't like it... I will wear and love it. If you love the jacket, wear it and love it!

Wendi1984

I'm with you, Shannon. I think the vast majority of people are not going to notice minor issues with fit or proportion, and sometimes we just love an item that has a minor issue. It may be a one-of-a-kind piece, or we may just not have the time to keep shopping around for that perfect fit that may or may not exist. So we wear it, and most likely no one ever notices the minor issue, and everyone is happy.
I am still really experimenting with my style, and in the process of losing weight, so I don't buy anything very expensive right now. That way, if it's got a minor fit issue, or I don't end up loving it and wearing it the way I imagined, I won't be too upset. I can see how major purchases would require more deliberation and obsessing over details, if it's something $$ you're planning to wear for years and years.

Anonymous

Yay, Shannon! Yes, if you love something, don't post it as a K/R. I think when it is a K/R one is asking for detailed feedback on an item, that one wants to know if it really works or not, and wants the nitpickyness.

If it is something that you feel happiness x a million, then it shouldn't be on a K/R because you are keeping that sucker no matter what, right?

Beth Ann

Veteran

Oh, yes, Shannon! Yeah to the confidence to own your own fashion destiny! You have a wonderful, well honed sense of personal style, fit, and quality. I sense that this jacket is a piece that you know, in your gut, will take you into a style direction you've been longing to explore. A tiny wrinkle in the back -- so much more noticeable while standing stock still for a photo, does not have to derail your style journey. Perhaps thinking about "optimal" fit, rather than "perfect" fit? I'm constantly saying to my students, "There is no such thing as perfect singing -- only beautiful singing that flows freely without self-consciousness." I know for myself, I'm often thinking of the best fit and quality I can find and afford. My white jeans, for example, aren't premium denim, but I couldn't justify more expense for an item that will last a season. I love them, and know that I'm having fun with fashion responsibly!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Shannon, I echo Ceit. The jacket should not have been posted as a keep or return if you loved it. It's that simple.

Everybody needs to process feedback here in an emotionally intelligent way. Fashion and style is a highly subjective topic and things are rarely black or white - lots and lots of grey area - almost always. At the end of the day - YOU have to wear the item, and that is what truly counts.

I stand behind my PPP principle. It's a good thing. The fact is that your new Lanai jacket adheres to the principle 100% - so there you go. I only just saw the thread and have not managed to comment. So FWIW, I think the jacket is absolutely killer and wish you lots of joy with it forever and a day. xo

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Well alrighty then - I will not post K/R threads for an item I'm smitten with. I guess that's unfair to everyone. Sorry if I ruffled any feathers

Thanks for chiming in Angie - much appreciated.

Sara L.

Veteran

I agree with you! Clothing in real life is much different than a static picture. I only post K/R threads on items I'm unsure about. If I love it or loathe it, I don't post. Which means I actually post very few K/R's because usually I can tell right away if I like or don't like something.

I also don't respond to a lot of K/R posts even though I usually read them - I just can't tell sometimes in a photo how the item actually fits. When I shop in real life I have more definite opinions than when looking at a photo online.

Peri

Veteran

Your husband's comment reminded me of what my mother used to say. "Anyone who can see that is standing too close." Of course she meant as a warning about boys, so I would always answer "anyone who is standing that close better not be thinking about my (fill in the blank clothes concern).

I never post K/R because if I have one fashion talent it is knowing immediately when I like or don't like something. If I don't like it, no one can convince me to wear it. That one time I posted about the CM jacket, it might have seemed like a K/R, but it was definitely an "I don't like this print on me, help me figure out what I would like better". No matter how many people said it looked good, (Angie was one) there was no chance of me keeping it because I knew I wasn't happy.

And if I love something, I don't have doubts about it either. My doubts are about the things I used to love and now worry are dated. I can't see past the old love and want an objective opinion. Anyway, I agree...if you love it, keep it. No need to worry too much.

Sona

Veteran

There is such a thing as a happy medium isn't there TS? My problem is I never post K/R 's on items I am unsure about only to keep and then consign unworn a few months later.

I think I need to post more K/R's and you need a hiatus from them for a while.

Your introspection is well worth it as you found. I still 'suffer' from wanting to own everything Angie has in her closet and have to keep reminding myself that a guru illumes our own path towards salvation or sartotial salvation as the case maybe but we need to find the way ourselves.

Sorry if I sound like a therapist.

rae

(website)

Veteran

I had to learn this the hard way, too, Shannon. And I think I got way pouty about it, so you are ahead of the game! There were some items I loved in person and should not have asked K/R on. And I most certainly did not ask about my new Ugg boots, especially since I know there are a lot of strong opinions on boot height and I'd already decided I liked the height just fine.

I still do like a K/R thread, though. Sometimes I still go against the grain, but in my eyes that just shows how strong the love is... it can withstand all the naysaying in the world! lol And then sometimes all the love in the world cannot dispel my doubts. The vote isn't the final answer, but it can be good to have the info at hand.

MsMary

Veteran

I think you are spot on, Shannon! I almost never post keep or returns because in my view, the only opinion that really matters is mine! And I absolutely think that if the happiness factor is sky high, that should be the end of the discussion.

Editing to observe that often, people get negative responses to keep or return posts, and then very positive responses when they wear the items in a WIW post. Interesting...

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

I feel like I kinda need to dig myself out of a hole here...I realize I made an error in judgement in posting the jacket as a K/R when I obviously wanted to keep it. My apologies for misleading anyone.

I'm interested in the broader discussion of reaching perfection with an item of clothing - not in relation to the Lanai jacket, but in general.

I think there are times when an item is honestly "good enough" and that PPP can perhaps still encompass that. Angie, I meant no offense regarding your PPP guideline

When you have a difficult figure to fit and have been wanting/needing a particular item for some time, is it reasonable to make small compromises in perfection? Are there times when perfection cannot realistically be obtained in an item and therefore "good enough" is the best you're going to do in which case you buy, enjoy and move forward?

Anonymous

Gosh, you read my mind but you articulate what I feel so much better than I ever could.

Sarah A

Veteran

Yes, this PPP versus the real world avaialbility/practically is a conundrum I have been having around shoes for over a year now. I think at some point X has to be good enough, even if I dont think the item possesses everything I would like for my imaginary lifestyle and imaginary feet, or I will drive myself crazy.

Anonymous

And to complicate things, Shannon, perfect isn't a single concept either -- everyone has a different idea of what perfect means.

But PPP isn't involving perfect, is it? It's Patient, Picky, and Practical. I see that as not requiring something to be some abstract ideal of perfect.

Diana

Veteran

I generally don't post K/R for things I am absolutely positively in love with and that fit right into my wardrobe/style.

I DO post them for:
-things I'm unsure about, either in terms of styling or fit. I find that even if I don't always listen to people's advice I gain a lot of clarity by going through the process of styling, taking photos, asking questions and getting feedback. This was the case with the BR suit. You'll notice I never really asked for K/R advice about the pants, even though they were obviously in the pictures as well, since I knew I loved them and would keep them regardless.
-things that are far out of my comfort zone. (Like the tube skirt). Again, the process of doing the K/R post often helps me figure out how to style something to make it more me.
-things that I mostly love but have some weird niggling and most likely neurotic doubt about. (Like the AS bubble skirt, which I love but needed reassurance that it did not swallow me up.)
-really big ticket items. Because I don't want to make an expensive mistake.
-things that I have some kind of emotional investment in. For example, this includes things I've wanted for a long time and built up in my head. I worry that I've wanted something for so long that I have given up on PPP, or that I've built it up so much in my mind that I'm inventing imperfections. (Like the gold zipper boots).

There are also certain types of advice that I tend to ignore. For example, a lot of times I ignore the "shorten your sleeves" advice because I like my sleeves to be slightly too long, and I have poison eye for bracelet sleeves. I also tend to ignore "that pattern looks like my grandma's couch" because I know what I like when it comes to florals and yes, that includes grandma's couch prints. =P You get the idea...

Sylvie

Veteran

I think you made the right decision.

I've returned stuff the forum has enthusiastically loved because it just didn't work for me in person.

I've bought clothes and never shown it to the forum (ooh, secret clothes)

And sometimes I do post K/R's.

We overthink purchases sometimes. This is supposed to be fun. Sometimes I feel like putting a lot of energy into my wardrobe and sometimes I'm just going to coast.

12