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The Compromised Look ?

Dee

Veteran

Suz’s recent post about what she decided to wear when going out with others who don't really bother to dress-up, got me thinking about how often I might make compromises to an outfit just to fit in with how casually everyone seems to be dressing these days.

There are times where I've put together a really great outfit, complete with fab accessories and then I start to think oh maybe this is too much. So I tone it down in effort to just kind of blend in with everyone else.

I never used to do this when I was younger. I enjoyed strutting out my fashiony looks but now I guess with getting older, living in the suburbs for decades and just how people in general dress so casually these days, I'm not as confident dressing up the way I thought I might want to anymore. I am trying to adjust my style to a more "refined" casual so that I can be more content and self assured with how I look despite what others are wearing, but I do miss the days when people dressed up a bit more for occasions.

How about you? Do you ever compromise what you end up wearing just to blend in with everyone else?

Dressing

45 replies

Latest reply was from

Joy

Veteran

I do not dress down to fit in. Others may want to dress up more and follow your example. When I started to always wear a dress or skirt to church., other women started wearing dresses too knowing that they were not alone.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Dee, FWIW, try not to compromise. If not now - when?

As long as you are physically and emotionally comfortable in the outfit - wear what you want to wear! Being authentic rocks. I can only imagine it going down well! People around you will enjoy it, actually. You would never be disrespectful, inappropriate, or impractical. These traits are ingrained in you so you don't need to worry about that, or what others think

There is something very stylish about being confidently unaffected. To me, any way!

To answer your question, I don't compromise. So far, I have never been told I'm too dressed up. I think people expect it - given my line of work. If I'm not wearing my pearls - people ask, where are your pearls?

That said, I am respectful of my audience, but remain true to my style. I believe there is a difference! For example, if I'm with casual friends/clients - I will relax a look with casual footwear, chunky knitwear, and denim. If I'm with friends/clients who don't like brights - I will dress neutrally. If I'm with friends/clients who love skirts and dresses - I will join them and wear one too. I never wear heels, which I think relaxes a look right away - as does not wearing much make-up.

I don't think Suz was compromising. She stayed authentic to her style, dressed up her way for a casual restaurant, AND was respectful to her audience. If she was on a date with Mr. Suz, she would have worn something different - again, respectful to her audience.

Hope that makes sense!

Ginger

Veteran

I absolutely do that. What feels fun and slightly dressy to me is probably wedding-worthy for most of my peers, thanks to the perception that anything with a skirt is fancy. (No matter if it's crumply worn linen or corduroy that needs a lint roller...)

I am better about compromising than I used to be, however. Instead of trying to fit in for the sake of it, I try to make sure others will be not be uncomfortable. My friends do know me and really shrug most of it off now, so that helps. I know that I feel confident in a tried-and-true outfit. It's when I compromise too far and make desperate experiments that I feel really awkward.

Joy

Veteran

You can wear combat boots or sneakers with a dressy outfi tolook more casual

Sisi

Veteran

No, I do not try to blend. On the contrary, I try not to get sucked into the general trend of dressing casual in any occasion. I say, wear what you like and makes you feel fab!

Zaeobi

(website)

Veteran

'Blending in' here in HK would mean wearing baggy t-shirts, tube socks &/ or lots of black - of which I do precisely 0%, lol!

I have, however, picked up some aspects of HK dressing in my own looks - such as playing with proportions, & chunky footwear like lace up combat boots (never owned any in the UK, so I know it's another influence). Does this count as compromising my style, or adjusting my parameters of what it means to dress 'authentically me'?

Dee

Veteran

Yes, you’re so right Angie about staying authentic, and if not now , then when?
I hadn’t been thinking that Suz had compromised her look at all for the evening, it was just her post that got me thinking what I might have done in the same situation.
I guess it might be more about what Ginger suggested, about trying not to make others feel uncomfortable about what THEY chose to wear.
Joy, that’s great that others were inspired to wear dresses after you began wearing them.
Sisi, way to balk the casual trend and dress up.

kkards

Veteran

I don’t see blending in the same as compromising. But I’d also say that what I wear rarely leaves me “blending in”.

Like Angie I do try to be aware of and respectful of where I am and who I am interacting with.

Would you share with us a “what i wanted to wear/what I did wear” post? I’m curious, and I’m wondering if we can help you find a way to tweak the what I wanted to wear outfit so that it doesn’t make you feel lik your compromising and/or blending

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Kkards, what a great idea -- a "what I wanted to wear/ what I did wear" challenge! I love it! i can see us taking that in various directions. Some of us could show how we did (or felt) we compromised, some could use it to show how we tried to "blend," or show appreciation for those we were with; and some of us could make it hilarious -- our "fantasy" outfits vs. what we really own and use, or what the weather demanded, etc.

Dee, you raise a really good and interesting point. In this case, I didn't feel I was compromising so much as blending...I wore an outfit I enjoyed wearing, just a different outfit than I'd have chosen if I was going out with Mr. Suz on a date or if I was going out with friends who are more into fashion. I was also taking inspiration from the day's blog post. I might have worn a skirt instead of the wide crops, but once I'd decided to wear the cat blouse I figured, why not see if I can make an outfit to go with the day's blog?

At the same time, I do hear what you are saying about compromising. I can't say I've never done that -- I certainly have. But most of my true compromises are less about other people and their (possible or imagined) expectations than they are about the weather or my practical needs for the day. And sometimes they are related to wardrobe holes or HEWIS.

Examples: I want to wear the dress, but I don't have a coat or boots that work with it in the specific weather, so I wear the pants. I want to wear the silk dress but it is sleeveless and I will be too cold. I want to wear the wool coat or the full length drapey pants, but it's raining hard, I want to wear the heeled booties but I'm travelling by bike and that isn't a wise choice. (Sometimes, in that situation, I will bring them in a panier and change -- no joke!)

Jenni NZ

Veteran

I do struggle to see a difference between “compromising” and “being respectful to one’s audience”. Both are changing what you would otherwise wear because of other people?
Maybe it comes down to how you feel about doing that?
Sounds a bit like semantics to me…

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Maybe it does come down to feelings, Jenni. I do feel I am compromising sometimes when it is weather related because I can't put an outfit together that includes all the elements that matter to me. Whereas in the case we're using as an example -- my dinner the other night -- I did like and enjoy the outfit and felt perfectly myself and comfortable in it and not as if I had to give up wearing something I'd rather have worn.

I actually feel the "compromised" feeling less nowadays than I used to. Partly that is due to a relentless analysis of what I need, what makes me feel like "me" in different situations, and then the slow process of adding those items that work across the weather conditions and different roles I encounter, if you know what I mean.

That word "roles" brings up another element. I've had so many different roles in the last decade -- different jobs, different dress requirements -- and different leisure pursuits, not to mention different cities, different parts of the country...anyway... for me, dressing authentically for one role might require different pieces than dressing authentically for another role. It can take time to figure it all out and then acquire those pieces and until you do, some outfits might feel like a compromise.

Think of your upcoming trip and the clothing you have bought for the wedding and associated events. Is it a "compromise" to wear yellow -- or is it blending? I'd argue the latter, for sure.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Jenni, the difference is subtle, but there is a difference because I don't feel compromised! I am simply choosing a look I wear just as happily that is suited to the setting.

Suz's feelings of compromise related to the weather I DO feel! I can't wear a dress or blouse when I want to because I feel too cold! Case in point. This Sunday, we are going to a birthday dinner, and I would love to wear this blouse or these dresses - but I will freeze! Hate feeling cold so it's back to dressy insulating layers.

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Jenni NZ

Veteran

So it is about feelings, I think.
As far as the wedding I am planning for, I am actually really excited about trying to dress to fit in in the cross-cultural situation and definitely will feel more like I am trying to blend in rather than that I am compromising.
Dee, is it making you sad to dress down your looks?
I get sad when I go to the ballet ( last time 2021, I didn’t go in 2022) and see all the dressed-down other people! I still dress up for it because that feels more appropriate to me.

Dee

Veteran

Kkards that does sound like an interesting idea for a post.

Suz, Jenni, Angie, for me its mostly a feeling of making that compromise, its starts like -Here’s what I wanted to wear but for some reason I “felt” I couldn’t, mainly because I didn’t want to stand out so therefore I blended into what I thought most people would likely be wearing- hence, the compromised outfit.

Yep, there are certainly compromises made for weather, temperature or certain activities but that’s a little bit different from what I’m referring to.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

Yes, I understand. I have to get ready for work now but will mull it over until I am free to respond again. Sending bolstering thoughts!

Dee

Veteran

Jenni, I just miss the days when things like going to the ballet/theatre etc.. were definite dress up events.

Irina

Veteran

Yes to making compromises due to the weather. Other than that, I’d say no. I wear mostly plain clothes, it is suitable for any environments I might find myself in. Aside from my very small collection of dressy summer things, all my stuff is casual.

Jonesy

Veteran

This is an interesting discussion! I agree with the distinction between feeling like you are compromising vs. choosing among an array of options that feel genuine to you, based in part on other people.

And I also relate to feeling like the suburbs (at least my previous suburb, and yours, it sounds like) are places where sticking out, fashion-wise, is less comfortable than, say, a city setting. Now that I have moved to a small city with a rich cultural life, I am definitely more comfortable dressing up, e.g., for dinner, going to the symphony or other live music, etc.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Nodding along with Jonesy's last comment. I find suburban living makes it all much more difficult. I don't really do anything socially with my neighbours, yet I'm pretty sure they think I'm "dressed up" when I go out for my daily walks if I am not wearing sports gear. Meanwhile, the conditions around here, admittedly, make gear the more appropriate choice, most of the time. If I want to walk on the nearby trails or even on the streets (many of which do not have sidewalks) I need real hiking boots or at minimum lug soles. It's just a much more casual lifestyle all around and pretending that isn't so will only lead to frustration -- hence my decision shortly after we moved here to beef up my gear capsule.

The trouble is, I'd rather not wear gear all the time!

The concern about standing out sometimes stems from bad experiences in the past -- people criticizing one's outfit or giving nasty looks, or somehow making you feel "less than." It's interesting to think about. I'll bet 100 years ago, the sneers or snide comments were probably more often in the other direction, i.e. people looked down on those they considered underdressed or "too casual." Whereas nowadays, it seems people reserve their eyerolls for those they consider overdressed.

Then again -- I think sometimes we imagine people are judging, when really, they haven't even noticed. Or, if they have noticed, they are enjoying our outfit!

rachylou

Veteran

An interesting question. My family no longer dresses for dinner - no tuxes, no white dinner jackets, no long gowns - so I stopped in general. If I wear a fancy dress now, I’ll wear sneakers (or currently sport sandals), but this is as much to do with feet problems as anything else. And also, holidays are the busiest time of the year for me workwise now, so there’s no two hours of getting ready anymore. And I’m over the top in other ways still, like hair colour and pattern mixing. Every now and then I get clever for work, but it’s a bakery… not gonna wear a suit even on office days.

I must say I don’t like being ‘all dressed up with nowhere to go.’ I don’t know if it’s a compromise to not dress. I do know it’s wretched if everyone wants to go on a hike and I’m in heels…

CarolS

Veteran

Most of my compromises are due to footwear.

Before my feet got so fussy, I had some Anne Klein pumps that felt dressy enough to me for most occasions - I loved those shoes. (pic 1). I also had a little sparkly slingback that wasn't exactly comfortable, but I know I danced the night away in it at least once!

Those shoes are gone now. Firmly rejected by my fussy feet. So, when my nephew got married a little over a year ago, my outfit choice was largely dictated by what I could get for my feet.

Dresses and skirts pose their own fit and flattery challenges even without the footwear issue, so the were quickly ruled out. But I was lucky enough to have an EF silk evening pant/tank set in my closet -- a hand-me-down from my SIL that let me hide a not quite perfect pair of black patent loafers (worn, might I add, with socks to keep them on my feet!). (Find below and link to the outfit here.

Although I might have liked to wear something more exuberant (see Trinny example below) the pantsuit itself was not a compromise of my style -- I love its elegant simplicity. But my first footwear choice would have been an elegant sandal or pump. And my second choice would have been a ridiculously sparkly sneaker or shiny silver pointy-toed oxford. (The groom's cousin wore an amazing pair that I'd have run away happily!)

I'm half-expecting my niece to announce an engagement one of these days, and if she does, I wouldn't object to being ready with a blingier, more colourul option -- no matter what the other aunties wear.

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kkards

Veteran

Jenni NZ, I was meaning that my being aware of and respectful of who I’m with is not a compromise, it’s part of who I am and how I related to the world. I don’t try to blend in with the crowd, but I don’t try distance myself from it either.

Dee

Veteran

So true Jonesy that living is suburbia is playing havoc with my fashion mojo.
Yes Suz, it seems the tides have certainly changed and now being too
“dressed up” can feel like a problem.
Rachylou - its no heels for me anymore and CarolS too by the sounds of it.

Anonymous

I don't compromise to try to fit in to some casual norm, but I definitely compromise in a lot of other ways!

I compromise for weather- wearing pants in winter cause tights are a PITA. I compromise for comfort/body type- choosing pull on pants cause they fit over a wider weight range and tend to be higher rise in back than "proper pants." I compromise on my hair cause I like to swim. I compromise by settling for what's available at retail instead of having everything made custom.

As far as compromising to suit other people, no. When I am dressed more casually than I'd like, I am very self conscious and feel bad about myself. I dress to what I consider an appropriate level so that I can go about my day and forget what I'm wearing.

LaPed

Veteran

I have plenty of constraints to deal with when I get dressed (four-season climate, lots of outdoor activities, rural home, and I run cold!), but I can't say I ever really feel like I'm compromising. I absolutely dress up for certain social and arts events, and enjoy it to the max, but those outfits would be severely out of place in my day-to-day life, which involves things like carrying firewood, shovelling the driveway, recess duty, messy art/science/kitchen projects with kids, and walking or jogging on muddy roads and trails.

I could despair about all the "boring" gear I end up wearing, but the gear I buy isn't boring to me. I just treat it like any other category of my wardrobe, waiting for pieces in colours I love, in cuts that flatter, and that are easy to remix with the rest of my wardrobe. I really believe the key is having options that are true-to-you in every category your own life demands, from gym clothes to formalwear. For me, that means a lot of gear-casual options (hiking pants and hoodies), plenty of town-casual options (denim and knitwear), and just a smattering of formal and festive pieces, most of which I can remix into smart-casual options by pairing them with jeans/sneakers/etc.

Style Fan

Veteran

LaPed, your approach to the 4 season climate and how to dress is inspiring to me. I tend to wear my fleece outfit and forget about style for the winter. I need to work on some cold-weather outfits.
I compromise because of my feet, the weather (I run very cold) and the location. I have accepted my limited footwear options and started working my outfits around them. It is a challenge for me to be warm in the winter. I am outside walking my dog for a couple of hours a day. My outfit is 100% functional. I don't consider style. I am going to give some thought to this.

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Sally

Veteran

I can find myself overdressed or underdressed in different groups, but think it is better to be overdressed, and this is from someone on the forum who does tend to like a casual look. I always admire people who look dressed up or well presented even if they are more dressed up than me. I often think, I should have made more effort and vow to do better next time. I was shocked on the first day of my son's high school to see all the mothers dressed up just to attend an intro day, and I did feel a tad uncomfortable. Some of my friends also enjoy dressing up even when we meet up for a cup of coffee (I'm talking heels, make up and a nice dress) so I feel I can't just turn up in my jeans and I have started wearing a skirt or jeans, but with loafers/oxfords/boots and a nice blouse.

I'm trying to dress up more but keep my authentic self as I go about my life, and I"m starting to enjoy it, however, it can be disappointing when others are not doing the same. I remember turning up for coffee with a group of colleagues, who are at least 10 years old than me. They were all in gear and I was wearing a nice blouse and cotton pants, still casual, but not gear. I didn't feel uncomfortable, I just felt that the occasion would have been more special if people had made more effort. They were all older than me. The other day I went to the movies with my husband and son. I wore a floral dress and necklace and my son said, "you look really nice Mum, but don't expect us to dress up like that." I may have been watching too many French movies in the holidays, but I think there is something inspirational about people taking the time to look well dressed. People seem to spend a lot of time doing up their houses these days but will walk around looking sloppy. What's that all about?

Dee

Veteran

Sally- I agree that it can be disappointing when we’re the only ones who felt the need to dress up, occasions do feel more special when others make the effort too.
Suntiger,, yes I do see how compromises have to be made to suit body types too.
LaPed, I was thinking more about compromising when attending social events, where people aren’t dressing up as much anymore.
Style Fan, keeping our feet happy definitely can mean compromises to our footwear choices.

Jessikams

(website)

Veteran

All the time! And our lives include a lot of “glamorous” events for professional reasons (at least, before covid— fewer events now). But still I am shocked by how people halfass the dressing up. Others seem to stick to mainly business casual all the time, no matter what the event! Whereas I prefer to tailor my outfit to the venue: sparkle and shine for night, texture for day, etc. I always get comments like people think it’s too much.

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