Terms of EnDEARment - NOT! - YouLookFab Forum

Category

General

Welcome! Read about what to wear and how to wear it on the YLF Blog. Join the YLF Forum to ask specific questions or just chat about fashion and personal style. Or check out the curated list of things we love in YLF Finds.

Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

Terms of EnDEARment - NOT!

Barbara

Veteran

Yikes. It happened again. I deposited a check this morning and the twenty-something teller called me 'dear'. Maybe I'm just being sensitive, but I don't think I look OLD enough to be called 'dear' 'hon' or 'sugar'. I was wearing a fierce hot pink ruched linen tunic and skinny jeans with silver metallic ballet flats and chunky turquoise jewelry! Spiky freshly cut/colored hair and, what I thought was perfect, makeup!

I know I'm 56, but everyone thinks I'm in my 40s, which is fine with me. There's nothing that makes me feel worse than being labeled 'hon'.

Does anyone else over 50 (or younger) have this reaction? Do you think it's appropriate to greet someone that way? I think it's bordering on insulting!

*SIGH*

General

44 replies

Latest reply was from Barbara

Queen Mum

Veteran

That seems odd and unprofessional. A bank is a professional setting and the bank teller (especially a young one) should be addressing you as Mrs/Ms.Smith or Ma'am IMO.

I will add though that at my grocery store, there is one clerk who is possibly my age or up to 5 years older , kindof a quirky gal, and she always calls me Hon or sweetie. It doesn't bother me. I think it's kindof cute.

But I'd expect much differently from a bank for some reason.... ESPECIALLY from a 20 something.

Aunty

Veteran

Oh Barbara, I am so sorry. Did she look short sighted???

I know alot of people dont like being called by ( pet ) names, but have to admit I do it sometimes too, but only when I am very tired and I lose sight of the fact I am at work!! Mind you everyone at work has got the idea now that I am as mad as a box of frogs!!

I have thought I might insist that the supermarket staff ask me for ID if I buy a bottle wine : )

Barbara

Veteran

Yep, QM, I agree.

I think it might be a Southern *thang*; it's just a little too familiar and casual for me.

Old South etiquette is decidedly formal. Guess I REALLY am showing my age.

LOL!

Barbara

Veteran

Aunty, she looked right at me! I'd like to think she calls everyone 'dear' but I don't think so. I AM old enough to be her mother, but 'dear' should be reserved for your own grandmother or elderly family member.

Perhaps NOW I am as mad as a box of frogs myself!

LOL!

CK

One of my pet peeves. Dear, hon, all of them. It sounds condescending and I don't think anyone should be called that, no matter their age. A bank teller should be calling you Miss or Ma'am, IMO. (and it was a sad day when I went from being a "Miss" to a "Ma'am", LOL!)

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I have to chuckle a little at this, because where I'm from, it's totally common to be addressed as "hon" no matter what your age, gender, etc. So much so that our unofficial slogan is "Welcome to Baltimore, Hon!"

I take no offense at any term of endearment from a stranger -- I doubt it's ever intended to send any kind of demeaning message. I've even chilled out about "Ma'am" although that one stung for a while.

Aziraphale

Veteran

It doesn't bother me personally. However, I would agree that it is a little unprofessional to use pet names in a work environment. I think the tone a person uses with the pet names is important, too. Often a "honey" or "dear" can be condescending if the speaker uses "that tone," you know?

I've got to say, I LOVE getting called "ma'am." I feel it's a term of respect. I'm very petite, and for most of my young life, it was an uphill battle trying to get people to treat me as an adult. Now I'm 38 and I'm finally getting, "Would you like help out with your groceries, ma'am?" and all I can think is, YES! it's about time I got a little ma'am in my life!

Barbara

Veteran

Yep, I'm just going to let it go. Felt downright old there for a second!

Thanks for the wise comments, Cindy, Janet and Elisabeth.

biscuitsmom

Veteran

I admit Im guilty of calling some of my grocery store customers 'hon' .....I only did it if I was very familiar with and liked the lady a lot...once in a odd while I'd say it to a lady I just met, if I felt we had a friendly connection..Im *terrible* about remembering their names.....I certainly NEVER meant anything rude or condescending by it
PS- I HATE being called 'ma'am! lol

Barbara

Veteran

biscuitsmom, using 'hon' on truly friendly terms is nice with absolutely no pretense or weird intentions meant. But this young gal was snippy, so that's why I reacted the way I did once I got home. I'm going for a nice LONG walk now and forget about it!

Thanks for chiming in!

Louise

Veteran

I've heard older people say dear to younger people but never the other way round x

Patty

Veteran

I never liked getting any pet names from anyone until I had kids----now everyone gets something from me and most times I don't know what I've called someone until I hear it come out of my mouth--Sweety Pie.
I also didn't realize how impressionable I was to picking up other's pet names and using them--I shocked myself by calling a friend's kid by her mom's name for her and I never did that before. That said--last week I was called "My Love" by my grocery teller--so I wonder who's gonna end up with that bomb???!!! LOL

And Barbara My Love--can we see your outfit??

Scarlet

Veteran

Lots of people say hon, dear, sweetie, etc. to me ever since I was a young thing. I don't think it means that she thought you were old.

catgirl

Veteran

I hear you.

I personally do not like when someone calls a group of women "girls", as in "What will you girls be having for dinner tonight?" Feminist principles aside, it's a little too informal or something.

Heather

Veteran

Oh dear. I am guilty of all sorts of terms. I don't say hon or sweetie though. Ma'am, Sir, Dear, Ladies, Lady, Girl, Oh Grrrrrrrl, Dude, Gal, Peeps, Folks, Turbo, Kid, Invader,....oh, my list is lengthy. Yes, Ma'am is heavily used to all ages--you all would HATE me in person.

In all honesty, I don't think people are being condescending, but you are certainly entitled to be annoyed by it.

Aziraphale

Veteran

I'm uncomfortable with "girls," too. But I'm also uncomfortable with "ladies," perhaps because of the class system connotation? I'm not sure. Whenever I hear "ladies," a little voice in my head goes "I ain't no #@&!ing lady!" I've noticed that people use it liberally and with respect on this forum, so I've caved a few times and used it.

Normally I fall back on "gal" as the feminine equivalent of "guy." It's not perfect, but it's the best I can think of.

taylor

Veteran

I am also over 50 and have been called everything from madame to miss...one sounds very old the other quite young. I don't take any of it personal.
Such things really don't bother me. I also address a group of women...friends or strangers : with a smile and a "Hi ladies" how could that be offensive?
It seems people are just hypersensitive...no wonder people don't speak to one another or even say excuse me as they walk by...might offend I guess.
Heather, I would adore you!

Aziraphale

Veteran

Taylor, the "ladies" aversion is just a weird quirk with me. I don't think it's normally offensive.

Queen Mum

Veteran

I have no problem with any of the terms of endearment, but I think in the setting Barbara described (a bank) the tellers need to be using terms of respect with the customers. Something about a bank seems very different to me than a grocery store of restaurant.
I would definitely stop and pause if a bank teller young enough to be my daughter called me hon, dear, or sweetie, as I'm standing there depositing a check. Something about that just seems off.

Ginkgo

Veteran

Generally I'm pretty easygoing but I don't care for "dear" in the situation you described, especially if she was a bit snippy. "Dear" from a much younger person seems to equal doddering. But unlike 99% of the rest of the population I have no problem with being called ma'am. The term, "miss", to me is for young girls who are still in college or dependent on their parents; it certainly isn't applicable to independent women in their late 20s let alone women in their 40s or 50s. However, I seem to be the only one who feels like this! Recently my 89 yr. old mother was addressed as miss by a waiter -- they both laughed!

Barbara, please post your outfit! As an aging but still slender ma'am, I'm intrigued by skinnies but worried about my age (57).

Patty

Veteran

I have always used 'Guys" as a generic term for folk but one day I addressed a couple office ladies at work with--"hey have you *guys* seen that blah blah blah..." The skirts didn't like the term "guys' at all so I rephrased---"so have you *dolls* seen blah blah blah...." They didn't get the reference. I doubt they'd like being called *skirts* either but...LOL.

Singing~~~~Luck be a lady tonight~~~

CK

It's all a question of context. I don't think it's hypersensitive to expect a greater level of respect in a business situation than to be called "hon" or "dear." I really doubt a man would be called those terms in most cases.

Heather, I use dude all the time, LOL! With my friends - not people I don't know, which is how I imagine you use it, too.

For the record, I don't mind "ladies", and my group of friends (all 30 and 40 somethings) refers to ourselves as "the girls" - but I probably wouldn't refer to a group of women I didn't know that way because I know some people don't care for it.

Barbara

Veteran

Wow, I never realized my post would get this much response! I don't have a problem with Ma'am, but I'll have to admit I get a kick out of being called 'Miss'.

But it's usually someone older than me that says it.

LOL.

Thanks for all of the great input, ladies.

Heather

Veteran

A Lit professor in college reminded my class once:

Every female is a woman, but not every female is a lady. ;D

Cindy: I think 'dude' just spills out of me--familiar or unfamiliar. As does 'yes, ma'am.' I have 'yes ma'amed' some pretty important men before. LOL.

CK

LOL, Heather!

Barbara

Veteran

Heather, you are a hoot!

I'm glad I finally put everything back in perspective. I think I may have overreacted because of coffee deprivation.

Patty and Gingko, I'd love to post a pic of THAT outfit, but my best friend just borrowed my hot pink tunic to take to Europe - she's leaving tomorrow.

I'll try to post something fierce, soon.

Patty

Veteran

Fierce sounds gooood!!!

Mamapicklejuice

Veteran

I love being called ma'am...harkens back to the days of good manners, imo.

I also admit to calling people "hon" (including men!) but I chalk that up to being an often sleep deprived mother of two, and that is my default term of endearment for them.

Polly (thunalata)

Veteran

Too funny!

In Cornwall, in the UK, it's 'my lover' or 'me handsome' (imagine a West Country accent if you know what that is). For any age, I think.

12