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Talking To Your Child About Santa

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

As per Diane's suggestion, I'm changing the thread title

So, how did you tell your child there is no Santa?

My husband and I have decided it's time to tell our son the truth. He's 6.5. For the past several months when Master O. would bring up the subject, we'd just question back some details (but, how can Santa be at very child's house on the planet in one night alone, how did Santa know you're not at your house those Christmases when we were at the grandparents' and the gift arrived there, etc), so he can figure out for himself.

Here is the thing though: Santa is a lie we actively supported throughout his entire life. With everything else we talk about we try to adapt the truth to his age and when he can understand, but this is one thing we lied to our son about. Lied.

So, when we ask him how some things are possible, he answers back with full conviction that things ARE possible. Personally, I can't see it being any other way - the child accepts the things told by the authority figures in his life as life facts. No questions asked.

We don't want him to find out from the other (older) kids from school. We still think the magic and fun he had was worth it, and besides I am not sure I would know how to deny him that sort of joy when he was smaller with every other kid talking about Santa.

We want him to understand that there is no Santa (mum and dad ARE your Santa) and more importantly we want to explain that we supported that story because it was fun and that's what children like to believe when they are little.

What are your experiences with this key moment in your child's growing up?

p.s.

Just some of the cookies and milk for the tired Santa, and carrot for Rudolph we have been leaving over the years... I'll miss that...

p.p.s.
Btw, there is YLF Secret Santa, no worries

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48 replies

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Jeanie

Veteran

This is always hard. When my oldest son starting questioning Santa and really looked me in the eye and asked me if he was real,I cracked and couldn't do it. I really wanted to hang onto one more year with his innocence. Looking back, I should have told him the truth and not another lie.

If you are feeling it is time to free Santa then this might help. We explained to our DS that Santa is made up and represents The Spirit of Christmas that lives in us all. We use the story of Santa to help bring the spirit of giving to others. Now that you are old enough to know Santa is not a real person you can help spread the Sprit of Christmas with the rest of the family.

Hope this or a changed up version witll help.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

When I questioned my mother at around 5 or 6 she told me that parents buy the presents to keep the story of Santa alive. She said I could still leave the carrots for the reindeer & the snack for Santa if I wanted to & somehow I didn't question this. I do have problems with the idea of authority figures telling children "lies" as facts. I also think myths are very important to us as a way of learning universal truths. It's such a fine line imo.

Deborah

Veteran

Ornella, in my very humble opinion that is very young to tell a child there is no Santa:). My Master 10 still kind of believes:). Over the past couple of years when we talk about it and he asks, I respond with the question "what do you think"? Thus I feel we allow him to decide when when he is ready to face the reality. I recall as a child slowly realising for myself that there was no Santa. I think that is the natural course for most children as I think deep down they probably know or slowly work it out. For us we have a very strong Christian focus at Christmas and make sure that foremost Master 10 knows that it is all about the birth of Christ, and the focus on Santa is a secondary thing.

Anonymous

I am firmly in agreement with Deborah. My DS still strongly believed at 7 and 8, He is 10 in a couple of weeks and has not said anything. I am guessing he doesn't believe anymore, but we will just wait for him to say so.

Louise

Veteran

All my little kiddies at work still believe and they're up to 7. For me Christmas lost its magic when I knew there was no Santa, for the record I was 10 and a friend told me. I think if he asked you outright I'd fess up though when a kiddy at work asks, my response is "of course there's a Santa or who'd bring all the presents" as it's not my place to tell x

Astrid

Veteran

I was fairly young when I worked it out, maybe four or five? We had a santa come to our day nursery, with beard and everything. Suddenly my friend tells me - that's your dad with the beard! I was confused and just said to her no, that isn't my dad, my dad is at Uni. Then took a second look and really, it was obvious. Turns out they asked him to play it that year. We never had Santa in a costume before at home, he was only ever talked about, but in that moment I knew that if my dad had to dress up as one Santa couldn't be real.

My mum took care that we didn't tell our younger siblings, but they all got to know the truth through school (so with six). I don't think it subtracts from Christmas to know Santa isn't real. You can make it magical with other traditions of your own.

Anonymous

In a similar vein, I always told my son that all of the 'Santas' we saw out and about were in fact helpers and that the real one resides at the North pole. This especially helped one year when a Santa was outside our local supermarket and the person playing him was very young. DH said, 'that Santa looks like Justin Beiber!'. When I was little I always saw through their disguises, but always assumed they were 'helpers'.

Might I add though Ornella, I would wonder at the wisdom of telling your son anything like this so close too Christmas. It may spoil it for him. If discussions were brought up with a good bit if time before the big day, he would have time to get used to the idea. Either way though, I prefer to let children come to their own conclusions.

Glory

Veteran

I let my children work this one out. There is a time that they know it isn't real but like to imagine it is for a few more years because it is magical to them.
Although my children are now 17, 14 and 12 they still leave a note for Santa, cookies and hang stockings.
My sense is that he is very young to be told this and if he believes in Santa, or wants to believe, it could be quite crushing for him right before Christmas. I don't feel there is any harm letting him believe.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Ornella, I chose Deb's route. Our daughter is quite open and from quite an early age -- your son's age -- would ask questions or make statements: So-and-so says there is no Santa? Is that true, Mum?

And I would say, "What do you think, sweet pea?"

And her answers let me know what she was ready to hear. At first she would say, "Of course there is, because otherwise..."

A year or so later she would say, "Well. I know that those Santas in the stores are not real, they are just helpers. But there is a real Santa, too."

Then she said, "Well...I know that you and Dad do the presents. But still..."

Finally, she began to offer to help with stuffing the stockings. To regain the magic by taking her place as one of the givers.

We also took the route of explaining that it's a story we tell children to help them feel the magic of generosity, of unexpected miracles, of new hope in times of darkness.

It didn't undermine our authority. She didn't feel lied to.

It's not a lie. It's a story told to instil important values about giving to others. There is a difference.

Making that magic happen for children is one way we remind ourselves how important it is to give to others, not just at Christmas, but throughout the year.

It is true perhaps that sometimes our dollars would be better spent on others in need -- and as she has grown older, that is a conversation we've been having and a change we have been making.

ironkurtin

Veteran

I like Suz's approach. Our daughter figured it out on her own. (She noticed that Santa always used our gift wrap.) I explained that Santa is a beautiful idea about giving to those you love. It seemed to work. She still loves us.

LACeleste

Veteran

Hi Ornella,

I share the thoughts of Deborah and Diane and am hoping for a gradual realization as Suz depicted so well above.

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

Santa is not a lie. It is a fantasy which each child needs in his / her early life. I personally would not worry about it and let him figure out on his own. If he asks questions you can answer truthfully but don't break the spell while it lasts: this is one of those precious childhood memories we all love as adults.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

My father said I was more disappointed in the fact that dinosaurs didn't exist anymore than Santa Claus wasn't real.
The family I used to babysit for got busted on the wrapping paper by their eldest daughter.

Beth Ann

Veteran

Ornella: I never really believed in Santa. We always opened gifts on Christmas eve, so "Santa" only brought the gifts in the stockings. Also, suspiciously, we always left him my Dad's favorite cookies and Pepsi, not milk.

Now, my poor Dad believed until he was nine, because his Father didn't want him to lose the childhood fantasy and climbed up on the roof with sleighbells shouting, "Ho Ho Ho" when my Dad was 7!

We chose to "play" Santa with our kids, teaching them the original stories around St. Nicholas, incorporating bits of "Santa lore" from around the rule, but never having "Santa presents" or treating him like a living character. We were trying to be good Christian parents, focused on the Christ child. Oh-----but wait for it ------- they did think the Tooth Fairy was real. For a VERY long time. lol. I'm not even sure how we got started on that one. I had a lot of fun, but felt just a wee bit guilty! The kids have forgiven me, but of course, why not? The Tooth Fairy gave them money!

In your current situation, I like Suz's suggestion. I also think you can begin to leave clues, making a little less effort to keep your preparation activities secret, maybe encouraging him to play "Santa" for another child by participating in a Christmas charity project.

He'll have a marvelous Christmas, no matter what!

bj1111

Veteran

i believed until i was 12. i broke it to my sister that santa was our aunt. she was 9 and she still holds it against me that i told her.

catgirl

Veteran

Ornella, I'm so glad you brought this up. I have been tormented about this, and my DS is about to turn TEN! He has expressed some doubt, but he is that starry eyed child who believes even when evidence is to the contrary, and now I fear he'll be devastated. Did you see the movie "Rise of the Guardians"? He's like that one last kid who keeps hope alive... It is KILLING me, especially because we too emphasize truth.

I think he will understand if we tell him it is a story that keeps magic in the world and that the idea of Santa - what he stands for, love and joy - is real.

But I am seriously considering lying about it forever.

MsMary

Veteran

Team Deborah. The nature of things, I think, is for kids to learn the truth from older kids.

And when my DS started bringing home tales he'd heard from the older kids, I told him "Santa only comes to kids who believe. Duh!"

That said, like Suz I tried to keep the "lie" alive with kind of a "wink, wink, nudge, nudge" attitude that indicated that this was a fun thing we were all choosing to do together.

DeniseP

Whaaaat?? You mean there's no Santa?!

Gaylene

Veteran

I'm with Suz in letting them work work things out on their own. As I saw it, my job was to confirm their own ideas by gradually helping them transition from thinking of Santa as a real person to a thinking of the concept as a delightful suspension of reality that represents the happiness we feel when we do things for others without expecting anything in return. We used the analogies of how reading a story in a book could transport us to a place that was as real as anything else around us, or how a super hero could live inside of us who made us feel brave when we were scared, or the way actors on a stage could transform themselves so we believed they were lions.

Santa stayed alive in our house for many years because we always hung our empty stockings every Christmas Eve only to find them magically filled every Christmas morning. So, Denise, of course there is a Santa. Bring your stocking to our home on Christmas Eve and you'll find Santa is alive and well.

rachylou

Veteran

I believe Santa is a truth, whatever accident of form Santa takes or is emphasised.

...But, um, you know, I think I should mention that Santa comes to my house every year. I have saved present tags to prove it! Also, my friend is a physicist, and I promise you they're very busy all of Christmas tracking Santa's progress around the world.

http://www.cathye.com/xmas/xsantacoat.htm

Echo

Veteran

I told my children when they were in 4th grade, just because I didn't want them ardently arguing that he DID exist at school. I explained it by asking why someone would give them gifts. They answered that it was because that person liked/loved them. I then asked them who loved them more than anyone in the whole world, and they answered, "You and dad." I told them that was right, and that moms and dads wanted more than anything to make their children happy. I went on to tell them that Santa was all about giving, making magic and love for children, and that no one was better at any of those things than mom and dad.

Because my kids were older, they took it quite well, and at the end of the conversation with each of them, I assured them that as long as they still "believed" they would continue to get gifts from Santa, just as Santa still brings me gifts at Nana's house. Each of them promptly "forgot" the conversation we had, and my kids - at 9, 11, and 13 - still ask Santa for things at Christmas.

Depending on the kids, I think it is okay to let them work it out on their own. But at least one of my kids would have argued that Santa DID, indeed, exist, and I didn't want there to be any embarrassment at school. I also told my kids that if they told their younger siblings or the younger kids at school, then Santa would no longer bring them any gifts - why should Santa bring gifts to people who didn't believe in him or to people who would ruin the magic for anyone else?

Oh, and FWIW, I think 6-1/2 is far too young to tell. Don't ruin the magic that young, and DON'T tell them in November! Not so close to Christmas! Tell them in the summer when it doesn't feel so close and personal.

carter

Veteran

I've never told my kids, and they're 17 and 21. Santa no longer puts together bicycles at 2am at our house, but those stockings are still stuffed by Christmas morning. My kids laugh at me, but we all have fun with it.

catgirl

Veteran

Echo and others, your comments are reassuring. Because DS IS that kid, but I am also that mother who keeps wrapping paper separate. DS is not a snooper or a doubter, which I love but it also makes me want to curl up and weep as he is still so innocent!

Diana

Veteran

Hmm, I think my sisters and I kind of just figured it out on our own, probably through some combination of intuition and friends at school. (Oh, and at some point I think we saw our dad sneaking in with packages from the car wearing a red jacket, and we were all, like, "but Dad NEVER wears a red jacket! Oh... right...". Oh, and all the cute little notes/clues/rhymes that he would write on the packages were in Dad's handwriting.) I don't recall it being traumatic at all.

Even after we all knew santa wasn't real it was still kind of fun to pretend he was. There's nothing wrong with that.

minimalist

Veteran

Team Suz. But why stop the treats for Santa and Rudolph, as your son is slowly let in on the festive traditions?

Una, if your son still hasn't figure it out when he's 18, maybe you can show him this:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uMqMN9Bo0IE
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R.....stmas_Tale

I can't quite follow why Santa is so often held is disposable symbolism, while other traditions are designated as foundational. Christians know that historical Jesus was born in springtime, not on December 25. And à propos nothing, Holofernes doesn't figure in seasonal ads for lactose-intolerance remedies.

dustt

Veteran

So my kidlets are 21 and 25 - the truth I told my girls is that Santa is real - he lives in the hearts and souls of both grown ups and children - if you don't believe than he can't come into your heart. Does he need some shopping help from imaginative parents - why yes he does!! we still all write letters to Santa on Thanksgiving weekend - and post them on the fridge!!

dustt

Veteran

forgot to add that when my youngest was about 8 I overheard her explaining to her friends - Santa is absolutely real - because why on earth would your parents buy you all this crazy stuff that costs too much money that you don't need!!

anya

I was the inquisitive kind. I think i found out quite soon, around 6 or 7 ( i had just started school). When all my friends in school brought this up, i asked dad and mom at the dinnertime ( it was at the beginning of December, just after saint Nicholas, another gifting tradition where i live) " Well tell me, is it real?" Dad could not lie to my face. He was all " Around Christmas is a tradition, and this is about love and hope and etc" . I distinctly remember saying "that is not an answer" , and "did you guys lied to me?" "then who brings the gifts, you , or the tradition" and "this is WHY it always comes when i am out caroling" and "the Easter bunny is a lie too"? Somehow they smoothed it over, because i do not remember not being happy that Christmas. I remember being happy to indulge and sustain the magic for my little brother. I remember being all that more grateful for the gifts . So i guess kids get over that quickly.
It was funny, when i was a child there wasn't this habit of someone dressing up and coming at home ( just at school, or at mum's workplace perhaps) but i felt those weren't really real. So one year i decided not to go caroling and stay right under the tree to "catch" Santa. Of course, i fell asleep and woken up surrounded by the gifts. It was kinda cute.

Echo

Veteran

I remember explaining Santa to DS1 when he was very little. He asked questions, and I told him all about Santa. I remember him looking at me like I was absolutely insane, and nodding very, very slowly. I am pretty sure that he decided to go along with it for my sake (as I was clearly off my rocker), but that he didn't buy a word of it.

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