This is a hard post to write because I am not sure what my thesis is. I guess it starts with a changing body. I lost some weight.

Body changes have consequences. My body changed slowly as I lost about ~one pound a week beginning in October. I continued to wear my clothes and used belts and such to make the clothes fit. Finally in February I realized how ridiculous I looked and how unfair I was being to myself. With the help of several Forum Members (you know who you are), I started to honestly evaluate the bottoms in my wardrobe. I had to do this over the course of many weekends because it was painful.

Every single time I evaluated the fit of a bottom and found that it was oversized, I felt some sort of stab in my heart. Yes. I know these were merely clothing items, but they were all so well thought out and planned. I cannot express the time and energy I devoted to wardrobe planning since joining YLF. Thank you, Angie and All.

I spent so much time constructing my identity and armor against the world.

I realized how many different roles/identities I have during a single week. And how different one week is from another. I need a sizable wardrobe of armor. Suddenly that armor was becoming mere pieces of cloth. Yet each piece of cloth evoked some sort of strong emotional reaction.

From October 2017 to March 2018, I lost just over 25 pounds and donated 44 assorted items. I hid away another 9 items that no longer fit but that I couldn't seem to part with because of love? I think it love. They projected the exact image I wanted to show the world.

The weight loss came off my hips/belly. So the bottoms in my work wardrobe were decimated (none of my pajama or athletic bottoms were affected though). The only jeans I have in my closet now are designated as "field jeans." They are too big, but who really cares? I don't have the energy to search for new jeans. I am wondering if I really need them. Even white jeans seem like too much effort to exert right now.

I am continuing to wear all my tops (for now). I start that evaluation next weekend. I seem to be ok in oversized tops though .....

I look at my closet and it is barren. I am really, really sad. Shouldn't I be happy? Happy and excited?

One more thing. Support networks are so important. My BF says he has been supportive, but I am not feeling it and that makes me sad too.

I almost ended my weight loss/style journey today but writing this post has helped me clarify a few things in my brain. I have 10 more pounds to lose and then I have to learn maintenance.