I've been thinking about your post, Lisa, because your frustration is all too familiar to most women when we hit the wall of our mid-century years. Diet changes, exercise regimes, wardrobe overhauls, and updated haircuts are very important in helping us feel better about ourselves, but I'd like to gently suggest that making peace with our bodies is also a vital part of our perimenopausal/menopausal years To put it bluntly, it's a hard slog for most of us to get past our culture's ingrained notion that a woman is most attractive when her body is taut, her face smooth, and her clothing youthful. The shock of seeing ourselves in a mirror can send us into a spiral of self-loathing and firm resolutions based on the conviction we can return to our former selves if we only spend more time at the gym and more money on our wardrobes.

Being gentler with our changing bodies doesn't negate the importance of a good diet and regular exercise, but it can mean being more realistic how much time and energy we want to devote towards maintaining a particular type of physical fitness. I see older women at the gym who are skinny, muscular, and super fit because they spend hours at the gym and are extremely conscious of everything they eat. i also see older women who are fit but a bit more rounded. The kicker is they both look like older, not young, women--and neither group has a lock on looking attractive. What does seem to separate the two groups is their focus. The first seem to concentrate on sticking to diet and exercise regimes and the parts of their bodies which need "work"', while the second group seems less focused on "perfecting" themselves physically and more Interested in what goes on around them. I guess we all get to decide which group we want to join at the gym--and I suspect our choice reflects a great deal about our inner feelings as we see our younger selves vanishing and we come to terms with being an older woman in a youth-obsessed society.

I agree with Gaylene 100%. I just wrote a post on Facebook about this article on Madonna.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06......html?_r=0

I have a SERIOUS problem with the conflation of anti-ageism and anti-aging. It strikes me as the height of age discrimination to do whatever you can to remain 20 forever and to define that as "fighting ageism", as Madonna seems to be trying to do. Women should have the right to choose to do and age as they please - be it by exercise and diet, makeup and haircolor, paying for every form of plastic surgery or by letting go of their fears and embracing the wrinkles and grey. "Shut up jealous b*tches" is hardly showing solidarity with your sisters. Cripes.

Gaylene - I so wish I could meet you in person and get to know you as a friend. You're already being one here, and that is so valuable. You are so right, and I know it comes from a place of experience and wisdom. I know EXACTLY what you mean about the two groups of women at the gym, and I have friends in both camps. You know, I don't know why I am fighting this so much. Something in my head tells me that I'm just being lazy and disorganized (and drinking too much wine) and that maintaining a certain look should be doable if I only were a better person. Even as I write this I see how absurd that is, but, it's in my head. I have a horrible habit of comparing myself to others too, and to make matters worse, my 5 best gym friends are all a decade younger than I. I'm constantly looking at 43 year olds who don't work, and have the time in their schedules to work out hard, and everyday. I don't know - I just feel like if other women do it, then I should be able to do it too. But what do I really want?? And therein is the conflict I wrestle with every minute of every day.

Thanks so much for writing what you did. I really appreciate YOU.

Una - gah, I know, and I agree. I need to read your Facebook post. I don't fight my face or my skin or anything else, I just fight my body - and only because I feel like other people are noting or judging it. What the hell is wrong with that sad picture? Anyways - this has been such an interesting conversation - for me, I realize that - and I so so so appreciate every single word written by every single woman here.

Hi Lisa, so many wise words have already been written, it is sooo hard when our thoughts and feelings conflict, we really can be our own worst enemy at times.

Regarding the dress, can you change the neckline or lob off the sleeves to add a little softness to the structure?