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So ashamed to be upset about a petty, petty thing

Mochi

Veteran

I'm still going to vent here, but now I feel stupid to be complaining after reading about women dealing with serious illness. Instead of feeling better, I'm just feeling worse! Well, I'm probably just having my occasional Bad Day (or afternoon), and will have gotten over it in a few hours.

I went to a three-hour tango practica this afternoon and ended up leaving after only an hour, in which no one asked me to dance and my fellow woman classmate was constantly on the floor, dancing with our guy classmates.

It is not rational, and I know that I've been making great progress and that sometimes there are just days like this when you're in a large, fairly impersonal setting. I just knew I had passed a certain point where it would be harder for me to control my emotions ( and that they were rapidly getting more intense), so I left.

Sad. I don't know why this happens so arbitrarily, and I'm mad at myself that I couldn't just shrug it off today. But I've never sat there for a full hour without getting asked...and it's sort of a faux pas to ask the guys to dance.

Anyway I am feeling unappreciated and invisible, but hopefully by tomorrow I'll be back to my regular self. I feel also like a bratty kid to be getting upset over something really minor.

Thanks for listening. It's even worse that our (small) class is meeting up after the practica (at a separate location) to eat dinner and have a two-hour class, and people will have noticed that I ducked out early.

People in Boston are so cliquey and exclusive sometimes. This is supposed to be my community, and it's frustrating.

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51 replies

Latest reply was from Kari

Anonymous

Awww, so sorry, Mochi. I hate days like that. You need to do what works for you, and in that case I would have left too. There's a slippery spiral down when you just get sucked under and staying would not have been in yor best interest.

Why is it a faux pas to ask a male partner to dance?

Mochi

Veteran

Well, it's actually complicated. It's generally okay to ask your classmates, whom you know well. But there were only two of these guys there today, and they hooked up quickly with other dancers.

In tango it's very challenging for leaders, so for a follower to ask someone who doesn't know her ability--it's kind of an imposition. It's hard to explain. Also you usually dance a set (called a tanda) of three or four songs with the same person, then there's a quick break and people switch off. Female classmate M got back to back tandas with some guys, so it's hard for me not to feel doubly invisible.

Mochi

Veteran

Actually it IS funny (if you are old enough to remember The Brady Bunch. Her name is Marsha. I feel like saying, "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!"

ironkurtin

Veteran

Feeling left out stinks. I'm sorry.

Mochi

Veteran

Thank you. I'm feeling a little better now. It's a stupid thing to feel upset over.

marit

I don't think it's petty at all. I would feel the same in that circumstance - invisible and frustrated. If you know you have the ability to get past it after a while, that's good - not because it's "so minor", but only because it's what you have control over in the situation.

Mochi

Veteran

Control is a great word here. I feel like I have pretty much no control (as many women do in these social dance situations). It's not a job--it's supposed to be fun. Why would I want to sit there for three hours (another hour RT thrown in for the drive).

Sigh.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I don't think it's silly at all either. I bet that would make anyone feel bad. It's never fun to feel excluded. I'm sorry that happened.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Oh, that sounds painful and frustrating and yucky. I am so sorry this happened and think you made a graceful exit. Better to go than spiral down.

We all have experiences like this and days like that. It doesn't make them any easier when they happen.

Isabel

Veteran

That stinks. I am so sorry. ANYONE would be upset sitting around for an hour and not being "invited" in...as women , we have really learned to take care of ourselves and step up to the plate so being in an antiquated, powerless situation has to be maddening.

Good for you for leaving. I would have done the same thing. It is not personal, people just get really absorbed sometimes.

Hang there. And you belong to us !!!

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I don't quite understand why the instrctors don't rotate the partners when there is an odd number. I don't blame you for leaving and hope you feel better soon.

Mochi

Veteran

Jules, that would happen in a class. A practica is just a free for all with no one in charge (just someone in charge of the music). There are dozens of people there. It's the nature of the beast. It's common for women to sit ther, hoping to be asked. It's kind of an antiquated system but that's what you sign up for, and try to ingratiate yourself into the community. I've been doing fairly well so far. It could be a fluky thing, but it's still hurtful. Now I don't feel teary, but my stomach is in knots. Which has never happened before. I need better coping skills.

Anonymous

Bleah! That would have sent me straight back to seventh grade, emotionally. I think it was really rude of the male dancers not to be more inclusive.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I think your coping skills are great - you removed yourself from a painful situation & you are talking about how to deal with it with your virtual friends
I think the male dancers need more manners

Mona

Veteran

Mochi, this is not petty at all. I have been in the same situation a few times in my life and it is not easy to take. I would be feeling exactly the same way as you do. I am glad that you are feeling a little bit better. It is important to overcome these things and not let them depress you for longer than necessary.

MsMary

Veteran

Oh, darn! I'm sorry this happened, Mochi! I'd have left, too!

Hugs to you, my beautiful friend!!

Glory

Veteran

Not petty at all. I would have been completely upset as well. I think you did the right thing to leave. xo

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

Not the least bit silly or petty. You are putting yourself out there and stretching your level of comfort. By doing so, you make yourself vulnerable. Kudos for you for stepping out of your comfort zone.

I read your story and was reminded of being the uncoordinated kid who was last to be picked on a team. It is hard to let some of the insecurities go and the fact that you had the maturity to know it was time to leave is admirable.

Keep your chin up.

Adelfa

Veteran

Dianthus, I was that kid too....

Mochi, just seconding that your emotions seem understandable to me too, not out of proportion at all. And you dealt with them responsibly. So now all that's left is for them to wear off for now. Do you have a favorite form of distraction available to you?

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

Just wanted to add one thing.

It sounds like you are beating yourself up over this. Let it go and forgive yourself for having a very normal human emotional reaction. Things happen in our lives and sometimes we feel overwhelmed and don't react as well as we would have liked. it happens to EVERYone. Forgive yourself and move forward.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

I totally get what you are saying. I've bailed on many a party early when it stopped being fun.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I agree with Dianthus, I think you're being very hard on yourself - I agree that even if "that's the way the system is" it's not a very good one, and I would hope that some of the men (note I didn't use gentlemen) would be more inclusive.

I hope the next time you go it will be more fun

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I remember being the last one picked for the team. Actually, not picked at all....the teacher would add me and one or two others at the very end because no one had chosen us and the teams were full!

Well, I absented myself from those situations as fast as I could, and didn't look back. See what courage you have, putting yourself out there when you know this can happen. Instead of being upset with yourself, I think you can be proud of yourself. You have done something admirable, and then something admirable again by taking charge of a situation that left you powerless.

DonnaF

Veteran

Sounds like this thing is structured for exclusion until a woman somehow breaks in and her skill level is a known quantity -- which is virtually impossible in your case since you come from such a tiny class. I give you kudos for going. I'm wondering if there is any type of ice breaker/warm-up thingy they can do at the beginning?

I avoided team sports; I never would have been picked. Modern dance doesn't have partners. Worked for me.

MNsara

Veteran

Aww, Mochi - Your experience immediately brought me to grade school where the teacher picked two 'captains' and they could take turns picking students to be on their teams. I was not athletic and was always one of the last ones picked. I may even have blocked out if I was THE last one So, it's not silly nor petty to have hurt feelings, and some days we're more/less resilient than others (um, cyclical hormones anyone?)

Good job leaving while you could calmly. Don't know how close you are to Marsha, but if she and you were in this as a team, you could look out for each other -- directing the men to dance with the one who's been waiting longest.

But, she's probably dealing with leftover adolescent acceptance angst herself . . . !

Gaylene

Veteran

Actually, I think your reaction was totally rational and appropriate in this situation. And I don't think that you need to apologize or feel bad about choosing to extricate yourself from an awkward, uncomfortable situation. If you didn't have a dance partner, there really wasn't much point to your staying at the practica.

As for missing the dinner and the class, I'd just be honest the next time I saw the rest of the class and tell them that you were disappointed you didn't have a dance partner after waiting for over an hour and there didn't seem much reason to stay. Maybe being honest about how uncomfortable it is not to have a dance partner might make some of your class members more conscious of their behavior during future practica.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you didn't do anything wrong and have absolutely no reason to feel ashamed of your feelings; anyone would have felt the way you did under those circumstances. But I also don't think you need to hide your disappointment from your class members; if they were at the practica, they were the ones who behaved badly, not you.

ManidipaM

Veteran

Mochi, everyone's pretty much said all there is to say about how this is nothing petty and your reaction was appropriate and proportionate, hence emotionally astute.

So I'll just reach out to give you a hug instead!

PS: Just to remind you, I am full of admiration that you are stretching yourself this way in the first place, especially as you were iffy about the social aspect of those tango classes from the get-go!

abc

Veteran

Mochi I don't think you should be apologetic or feel bad for your feelings. You had to deal with a crappy situation and it sucks, you deserve to feel mad/sad/crappy about it.

You DID do the right thing by leaving early. Why torture yourself? It is supposed to be FUN.

I agree with you, it probably is Boston and again it is that whole dance clique thing we discussed earlier in another thread of yours.

You'll know better for next time if you want to risk the practica and not being asked to dance or if you stick to more class-based activities where you know you will be on the dance floor.

Personally I admire you for getting up and leaving. Instead of letting their decisions affect you, you took charge and made your decision - like that!

Chin up.

Lyn D.

Veteran

All been said!
I hope writing this down and getting feedback has made you feel better. People can be selfish, can't they?

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