Mochi, I also want to give you a hug! I think you behaves totally appropriate for the situation, I would feel the same in your place.
Are these practica happen regularly? Maybe you can arrange a partner form your class beforehand or ask your classmates to do rotation so everybody can practice?
In any case don't stop this from enjoying your tango adventure, it sounded like you had a lot of fun with it!

Mochi, don't be ashamed. Your reaction is completely normal and you handled it beautifully - absenting yourself from the situation is way more mature than sitting there silently seething (which is what I would have done).

Being left out has happened to me well, a lot - quite frequently in childhood, but less often in adulthood. The last time was probably about a month ago - went to a dance class where the instructor didn't show up, some people had prior knowledge so they were teaching others, there was a limited amount of equipment so people had to take turns, and I didn't "get a turn" till the end, and then I was really bad at it.

I can also totally relate to the "invisible" feeling - sometimes I go to a social event and afterwards, no one remembers that I was there or that I existed.

I just want you to know that there's nothing about *you* that made no one ask you to dance. This sort of thing just happens sometimes, and it sucks when it does.

But we're both lucky in that we do have people who really care about us, who think we're awesome and visible and worthwhile. And if those people think we rock, who cares about anyone else?

Thank you all so much for your kind and helpful words. I didn't expect to come back after class the next morning and find so many replies!

Since I left the practica so early, drove to the class location and had a bunch of time, I walked around and tried to calm down. As I said, I think, I completely got over the teary part, but what was more disturbing was how my stomach absolutely flared up. Which had never happened to me, so now I have to look into this, otherwise I will have serious issues whenever I'm in any stressful situation. (My mom was prone to ulcers....I never had that problem before.) The stomach thing lingered on into the first 30-40 minutes of the class and was pretty intense, though I kept a good front. I couldn't eat any food (didn't want any) and it was hard to pay attention to what they were doing.

Only Marsha was there from the practica. Otherwise about six other students, most of whom I knew, and the teachers. She asked me why I'd left and I just said my stomach had acted up, but was better now.

It turned out to be a great class, but it was so hard for me to stay in the moment and not get into "monkey mind" about what had happened, which should no longer have mattered. I am not the best mindfulness student! It took a while, but things simmered down internally. I had a few great dances with one of the instructors, Paul, who was really happy to see overall progress I'd made. (I take private lessons also with his co-instructor, so she is much more on top of how I'm progressing.)

By the end of the evening I was feeling about 70% back to normal.

I may take another private lesson today or tomorrow and speak to my female instructor about this. Actually I will probably have to, since it's an expectation that we all go to practica as a supplementary means of practicing what we do in class. She can hear me out and offer some advice, or at least get the heads-up. It's not an unusual situation at all...it's extremely common.

In fact I got an email this morning from one of my woman friends who had been there and was feeling bad that I had left while she was out on the floor. She and I dance at least once or twice together each week (she's learning how to lead, precisely because this is one way women can get some more control over their situation and not need to passively wait). She was apologizing to me, clearly understood what had happened, and now I feel pained to see the cascading effect. It will sadden her a lot if I stop going to that event.

It is a good thing in life to have a thick skin. I need mine thicker.

Thanks again. I think bringing this up for discussion with my teacher will be a good thing.

Mochi, I'm sorry you had a tough time, but it's totally normal to feel like that. I'm glad you kind of managed to pull through it a bit, but it can't be pleasent when your stomach is affected as well. I too have a very thin skin and wish I could grow a few more layers and would feel just the same. Hugs to you and best of luck for next time.

I don't have much to add but I think in this case it was okay to "trust your gut" (and I don't mean that as a pun ) and get out of the situation. What I think would concern me more is if you felt you had to stay for the full amount of time, no matter how uncomfortable you were feeling. That wouldn't have been okay either! You did the right thing for you - that's what matters.

It's a faux pas for the women to ask the men to dance? Well, also sounds to me like it's a faux pas on behalf of the men to not ensure every lady gets to dance. I'd feel a little put out, too, but please don't let the bad manners or backward customs of the other dancers get you down for too long. In the end, their actions are a reflection on them, not on you as a person.

I had a really nice email exchange with my teacher this morning. (She is very happy that I also have this community to share feelings with.) The upshot, which I knew, is that this can be a cruel-seeming environment sometimes, and that this happens to the women, because we so outnumber the men. And sadly, the older women will not get as much attention as the younger ones, no matter how skillful their dancing. (I already factor that in--my classmate M happens to be older than me.) My teacher goes through it. She herself was in a bad mood during last night's class, dealing as she usually does with inconsiderate students who don't commit to their lessons and classes (including one ongoing student who didn't show up for the class--he was out driving on a suspended license and got himself arrested!), so she never knows how many people are going to show up. I made sure to let her know she and her partner are great instructors and people's lack of follow-through is no reflection on them.

So now to keep up the age-old battle to keep my public emotions in control, the way she does.

Thanks, beautiful women.

Nancy, Dana said it so well. It's horrible to feel excluded and you have my empathy. (((HUGS))). Silly dance :(.

Come hang out with us! And feel VERY INCLUDED. Nice to hear that you are bouncing back. xoxo

Thank you, Angie. I ALWAYS feel completely included here. As I say, it's the most special place here.

Here is a youtube video of my teacher dancing with one of the best dancers in the local community. She is a great, brilliant, beautiful, feisty, lovely woman--I call her the Angie of the tango world

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOeDKhsAdPk

Glad you are feeling better about the whole thing. I'm kind of into new age-y stuff and you may think it's not for you and that's ok but I wonder what energy you put out while you are at these events. I feel that if you are nervous, fearful and worried, thinking about how you may not get asked to dance you emit the energy that can bring exactly those results. If you could go with the agenda just to enjoy the night, the music and watching the other dancers with no expectations you might actually change the outcome.

Perfectly understandable. And dances are total setups. I used to go dancing every now and then. The thought of going without someone I know fills me with dread. The thought of dancing with someone I don't know is most uncomfortable. And frankly dancing with the person I know dances most might be the worst, lol. He treats it like a sport and that's too weird for me. lol.

I say be like Cher from Clueless and say *Whatever.* It's fun and an excellent mantra.

Oh, and another thing. Are the people going to these events single or in committed relationships? Is it possible that they are going in hopes to hook up and not just to dance.

Ah, it sucks. I am so sorry this happened. You are upset with reason but be proud, you took control of the situation by leaving. Muy bien amiga! Side note: You know, colombian clubs work the same way, you kinda have to wait for someone to ask you to dance but heck we took control of the situation. Our solution: We ask another girl ( not a guy) to dance. Sometimes it becomes a group of women dancing. Super fun and empowering.

Aw, Nancy. This was the story of my life forever. Growing up, was never asked out or considered more than a friend (I think being a minority in a time when it was very unusual was part of that). I know this is different, but it still sucks to feel that way even if it's most likely nothing to do with YOU.

(My sister and I used to joke that she had a "come hither" look while I had more of a "go thither" look.)

So sorry this happened - not silly to feel upset at all, cliques are awful!!

I am glad you were able to talk with your teacher. Can you make a plan for next time? Recruit a girlfriend to dance with you? Sit out for X minutes before moving on with a light heart? I see how it is important that people who take lessons attend these open events, but it is no fun if you are just on the outside looking in.

I think you can give yourself a free pass for leaving if you just aren't feeling it that night. And I know this sounds woo woo, but try and project ability and welcoming feelings. I just encountered some photos from a prom a long time ago, and am I ever sending bad vibes in the photos. I remember that night as being absolutely horrible and no fun, in part because of a similar situation to yours, and it is just radiating off me in the photo.

Hi, Ceit (and Una! and everyone else). I am feeling much more over it. I had a talk with my teacher about it last night before our private lesson. She says this is absolutely a typical experience for women, that it would end up happening fairly often, though randomly.

One thing she recommended was for women to learn to dance the leader role, so that we women can always have fun dancing with each other. That's what I will start doing. It's also a way to get a deeper understanding of tango anyway (to know both roles). My teacher is recruiting me to help out as a leader (because there tend to be shortages of them) in her next intro series. I'm looking forward to it a lot.

But it's great to get a consensus that it was okay to feel unhappy and then exit the situation. Thanks for that validation.

Awesome! I think that is a perfect solution. Not only are you going to get something out of it, but you can make sure other women don't have the same experience as you.

Just popped back to see how you were doing
Love the layers of meaning in "the leader role" glad to see women in it

Big hugs. My tummy hurts for your tummy. Glad you are able to do something proactive about it though!

It sounds like your teacher is a wonderful coach. And learning to dance the leader role sounds like a wonderful idea, both for you and for other women who might end up in the same position as you at the practica.

Mochi, I hurt for you reading this because it feels so familiar to me too-it's painful to be left out.

I'm glad that your instructor and friend are understanding, and think the solution of learning to lead so you can be in control of whether you have a partner is a good one. That's what we do in Scottish Country Dance (though for the most part, the "man" and "lady" pretty much do the same thing, only on opposite sides of the set.) I do think that if it's considered a faux pax for follows to ask leads to dance, the men need to be more conscientious about making sure everyone is included at some point! Otherwise, how can you practice what you've been learning?

I think you have a perfectly valid reason to be hurt but are handling the aftermath very appropriately. Sure, it's not a serious illness, but it's totally valid to acknowledge that your feelings have been hurt!