Semi-OT: Breaking up with a hairdresser! Help! - YouLookFab Forum

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Semi-OT: Breaking up with a hairdresser! Help!

MsMary

Veteran

Fashion and style include hair, right? So I hope it's okay to put this on the main board for as much feedback as possible! I need help figuring out how to break up with my hair guy!

I have been going to the same hair cutter for more than 7 years. I am in the salon every three weeks for color and am friendly with the whole staff and my haircutter and I are even Facebook friends.

A couple of months ago I showed up for my haircut and he wasn't there. Turns out he had shown up for work intoxicated and had been sent home. I had my hair cut by another stylist who did an amazing, amazing job. There was a lot of (subtle) pressure from the salon owner and others to switch to the new person regularly. However, I am not that kind of girl. Next time I was in the salon I told both the old and new cutters that although I loved the new person's cut, I was not a "one strike and you're out" girl.

Well. My regular guy cut my hair a few weeks ago and just butchered it. Worst haircut ever. I made an appointment for this Saturday to go back and ask him to fix it, but after talking it over with Mr. K last night (Mr. K hates how the old guy does my hair and loved how the new lady did it) I decided it was best to just switch to the new person. We are leaving on our dream trip on Monday and I want to look great, and I no longer trust my old guy to make me look great.

Finally to the question: How do I do this? I hate to just change the appointment and show up and let everybody be surprised. Should I call him and give him a heads-up? We are Facebook friends but a Facebook message seems inappropriate. And what do I tell him? He's gonna want a chance to fix it but I. am. done.

HELP!!!

(Bonus pic of before-and-after gray-to-blond hair!)

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41 replies

Latest reply was from Freckles

Kat

Veteran

Sounds like he may have a problem (showing up to work intoxicated, butchering your hair after years of doing it in a way that you like). I'd say behavior is molded by consequences and in any case, you are entitled to feel comfortable that you will be able to expect a lovely haircut. Since you'll be changing to another stylist in the same salon, I'd say tact and honesty will keep you from burning bridges (especially if the other employees know even more than you....they were pushing you away from him--sounds like you'll have their support as well). I'd just call and be clear that you were sad to go to someone else when he wasn't there because he was intoxicated, but that it turned out really well..and then you went back to him and found yourself really unhappy with the cut (that makes at least 2 strikes in my book) and now you'd like to give the new stylist a shot to make you happy again.

I know what you mean though, it feels like a personal and not just transactional relationship after all this time. Still, even in personal relationships, honestly expressing your needs is important.

ps you make a great blonde!

Lisa

Veteran

Sorry but I am tough love kind of gal. If he is intoxicated, he has much bigger problems in his life. Maybe some tough love ie loosing clients will give him a wake up call to get help. It's your head of hair and your money, if someone doesn't perform the service the way you like it, I say move on. I would just tell him you did not like how it looked but loved the new cut. I think you have the salon to back you up here too.

MsMary

Veteran

Thanks, ladies! My question is not whether I should switch -- I am def. going to do it for the reasons you have stated so nicely!

My question is really logistical: Does decency require that I phone him personally in advance and tell him I've decided to switch, or just call the salon and change the appointment and let the chips fall where they may? Or call the salon owner and ask her to deliver the message?

Classically Casual

Veteran

It's really tricky isn't it? My first thought was to tell the salon owner what you were doing & let him/her spread the word as appropriate. But maybe that would give the owner the ammunition to let your stylist go & that would not be what you wished on him at all.

I recently broke up with a trainer I'd been working with for more than 10 years. I totally wimped out & made up a story about traveling to avoid hurting his feelings. Had he been open to constructive criticism I would have attempted to explain my motives, but I knew him well enough to know it would just be very painful for both of us.

Hopefully you'll get some actionable advice here from someone...good luck.

Lisa

Veteran

If you have a good relationship with him, I would facebook message him. My riding instructor whom I had for years, told me she was leaving via facebook. It stunk, but I knew it was coming because she was unhappy at the stables. If you do not have a good relationship I would just let him find out when you show up for someone else. I doubt you are the only client he will loose.

kellygirl

Veteran

I don't think you need to talk to him personally. I'd have the salon owner tell him that you have switched and leave it at that. Seems less messy that way. (I dislike confrontation though.)

Carole

Veteran

I think the right thing to do is to let him know personally. That will take guts, but you will probably feel better about it in the long run.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Ooh, tough. If it was a different salon, you just just stop going there, no explanation. But in the same salon is totally different. I'm like Kelly and hate confrontation, but maybe a quick, hey, when you weren't there the other week, I got turned on to this new gal and feel like we are a perfect fit or she really gets how I like my hair or something to that effect. Be sure to mention *when you weren't there*. This puts some of the onus on him. After all, you'd never know of this other stylist had he been there to do his job, right?

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I also dislike confrontation...yet I feel better when I am (gently) direct with people. And prefer others to treat me that way as well. Especially in this circumstance.

You could send him a quick note - either via FB or some other way - just letting him know that you valued his work greatly, but feel that it is time for a change. I would mention the positive. Whatever he is going through now, he *did* serve you well for many years. At the same time, you have a perfect right to change.

I've switched within a salon in the past, not for this type of reason, but more by happenstance, and although it was a bit awkward the first time I went in, it all worked out in the end.

Good luck!!

Anonymous

Ah Mary... That's a sticky one. HOWEVA, my grandma says it is better to be red in the face for 5 minutes than to be in agony for eternity. I would just pass by, perhaps at the end of the day, to have that "break up" convo with the "old guy", before I show up to the appointment with the new guy. You are not obligated to do this, really. The salon owner could handle it too, I'm just a straight shooter type of gal.
Heck, I bet that has happened before and will happen again....

MsMary

Veteran

Thanks, everybody!

Yes, he lost a lot of clients while he was, uh, indisposed. None of this is going to be news to him.

Zapotee, your grandma is right, and that's what I finally figured out last night -- better to have one upsetting conversation than bad hair on my Trip of a Lifetime!

I would LOVE to do this via Facebook if that wouldn't be too awful. I think if our positions were reversed and I were on the receiving end, I'd rather receive the news in writing where I could digest it in private. But... is that just wishful thinking and horrible etiquette a la breaking up with a boyfriend via text?

Suz

(website)

Veteran

That's what I wondered, Mary.

The war inside me would be similar: I like the idea of digesting (and allowing others to digest) in private.

I don't like the idea of FB so much.

Do you have his real email? That might be a way....

Although you do not want to end up in an email discussion about it.

Sona

Veteran

this is sticky. I had a situation like this and ended up changing salons and love my current stylist but it took a while to find her. I would say since you know this other person does great work despite being in the same salon maybe some kind of confrontation is necessary. Not a cop out but maybe talking to the owner/manager who could break the news to your stylist may be the easiest way... if not the best....

sticky one.

lynne

Veteran

While emailing and FB messages allow him to digest in private, those kinds of messages lack intonation and inflection and can be misread. If you are summoning up the fortitude to let him know you are moving on and why, then speak to him in person, either by phone or in person. It shows a level of kindness that I bet he isn't getting from others who have left him.

rachylou

Veteran

You're grey looks platinum to me, MaryK...

Anyhoo... maybe I'm a millennial generation forerunner (and not really gen X), but I don't see why one has to discuss anything or make explanations. My bf could dump me by text and I'd be so thrilled that I could get on with it already... 'course, he's a babyboomer (slacker generation forerunner), owns 5 CDs (4 Neil Diamond, 1 Kenny Loggins), and doesn't even have a candybar (that's a smart phone to all y'all ;>).

So, I'd just change the appointment. That's how I ran away from my stylist... hehe... just didn't book another appointment. I mean, I don't see what talking would do, except delay the getting on with it. It wouldn't bring back his power to cut hair instantaneously.

Do you want to talk about it?

... You know, in this vein, I'd send him a Facebook message if wanted to say anything. Like, "Salvatore, I need to change my appointment. I'm gonna book with Jenny." The one thing about messaging, people have a chance to think about their response...

taylor

Veteran

Mary, as a stylist 30+years I have seen this time and time again due to alcohol /drugs or habitually late or the stylist just doesn't show:(.
I would make your appointment with your new stylist.. Preferably on a day or time he isn't normally in the salon. Drop a note / card off at his station if you are so compelled but offer no opology !! There is a lesson to be learned here for him . Don't dwell on this too much .. He seems to have a problem and his livelihood is on the line and needs a wake up call!
Have a great trip:)

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Oh what an awkward and uncomfortable situation MaryK - I think you're gonna just have to swallow hard and have that moment where you tell him. Think of it like ripping off a bandaid - you dread it, make it fast, it hurts for a second, and then it's over. Good luck!

MsMary

Veteran

Okay, it's done. I called him on his cell and told him, "Old Guy, I am calling to tell you that I have decided to ask New Lady to cut my hair from now on." He immediately responded "That's okay," and the rest of the conversation was me apologizing and him telling me it was okay.

I feel equal parts awful and relieved. Now I'm waiting for the salon to open so I can book the appointment with New Lady.

And.... I feel like it was the right thing to do and I'm glad I didn't see Rachylou's and Taylor's eminently sensible posts before I did it! LOL

I wonder when my heart rate is going to get back to normal...

Sona

Veteran

Breathe..... breathe...breathe....

Guess what: IT'S DONE!!

:)))))))))))))))))

Suz

(website)

Veteran

It WAS the right thing to do, IMO.

As Lynne said, it is more respect than most others have probably showed to him.

I am proud of you. That took courage.

Now do something good for yourself! Breaking up with a hairdresser is almost as tough as breaking up with a friend.

rachylou

Veteran

Have a nap, MaryK! 20 minutes!

I read this wonderful book once; it was hilarious. This woman measured all her interactions with people in terms of recovery time. Nod to paper boy: 30minutes. Hello to Postman: 1 hour. Chit chat with neighbor: 1 day. Etc. etc. Lol.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

Well done Mary, I always think that when something weighs on your mind you should deal with the issue straight away.

I can't believe your trip is here already!

Gaylene

Veteran

Well, I'm part of the older generation, so take that into account.

My way of figuring out what to do in a situation like this is to imagine what I'd prefer if I was on the receiving end. After having a relationship for seven years, I'd probably appreciate hearing the news in person; it just seems more gracious and civilized.

I don't think you need to explain or justify your choice. I'd follow Suz's lead of telling him you appreciated his work but were ready for a change. I wouldn't mention the issues, and, if he brought them up, I'd just repeat my appreciation and decision to change stylists. I'd be gracious, brief, and wouldn't apologize or offer excuses.

This is exactly what I just went through a couple of months ago. My previous stylist, who had done a good job when I wore my hair in a longer bob, was a disaster when I decided to wear my hair shorter. While he was on vacation, I went to a younger stylist at the same salon who gave me a cut that I adored. It was a bit awkward when I stopped in to make my next appointment, but, in retrospect, I'm really glad that (1) I told him in person and (2) that I'm not sitting in his chair any longer. His client list has definitely become smaller over the past year, so obviously I'm not alone in choosing to go elsewhere. But keeping up one's skills is important in his industry and, to be honest, I think he had just gotten lazy.

ETA: Sounds like you handled it just right. Isn't it curious how we grown women can end up feeling so inadequate at dealing with our stylists? I manage a roomful of strangers talking about a controversial issue, but get weak-kneeded at saying farewell to my stylist.

keruchina

I think that sending him a Facebook message to communicate that you are switching would likely be less awkward than calling him.

It might also be nice to drop a card at his station while you are there just saying that you are thinking of him and hope he's ok. I think it would be nice to give something indicating that even though you are breaking up with him as a stylist, a completely appropriate decision, you still care about him as a human being.

bj1111

Veteran

awww...mk, you are such a doll for inking of his feelings. but you did the right thing, you brave girl. hiw's your heartrate now?

on the plus side you will look FAB for your amazeballs cruise.

ps. i moved cities to dump a stylist.

shiny

Veteran

Well I am a wimp and I confess that anytime I had to break up with a stylist, I simply switched salons to avoid awkwardness.

That said, I do think that after 7 years your hairdresser can get bored cutting your hair, and you can get bored with them, and this is natural and normal and nothing for anyone to get upset over. I might just roll with that... old guy needs a new challenge, you need a fresh perspective. In that way, it's not a character flaw.

Isabel

Veteran

This SUCKS ! Breaking up with a hairdresser is almost as bad as breaking up with a significant other. There have been pyschological studies that show this is one of the most stressful things for a woman to do.

Now, to your question. You are a very generous woman in your thinking. I do think that when someone crosses the line to where it could be dangerous ( being intoxicated while holding scissors or acid/hair chemicals ) puts it in a category out of the bad hair cut realm. Everyone has a bad day and doesn't always perform top notch. But this is dangerous. It is unfortunate that the owner hasn't handled this. I would talk to the manager and say that you are switching because you are concerned about safety and that you would appreciate appointments when he is not there. I would then write this person a note saying that you have greatly appreciated all the work and dedication and that it is time for a change. You could say that you do this every few years to stay "fresh" and that you hope he will one day be your hairdresser again. Further, you are in a situation where you have to be able to count on someone being there for appointments and you feel that your current schedule isn't doable anymore ( which is true ). ( Mentioning the drinking is a slippery slope. Could the boss get sued for divulging that ? The boss could also be nudging customers away so that he ends up with no customers and leaves or gets fired. But that has nothing do with you. Don't get dragged into it. The manager/boss is NOT handling this well. You should not know it is an intoxication problem and she should remove all clients from this person for liability reasons. YOU shouldn't even have the choice.........you should be "reassigned" immediately. ) I would send along a Christmas "bonus" with the note, as a final thank you. Good Luck !!!!

Isabel

Veteran

Yikes, MaryK, I can't stop thinking that this guy could drop a pair of scissors on someone's eye or dump a whole bottle of acid on someone's face. I am really disappointed in the owner and manager that she can't see that., she is being a coward ( I say that respectfully, of course LOL ) ........Stay safe FIRST !!!! Because one doesn't have the luxury of style and fashion if one is physically in danger. And the good hair cut will follow. : )

rachylou

Veteran

There's a false intimacy in the salon, I think. Unless you go out to dinner with your stylist, the reality is you're not kith and kin. You're close personal acquaintances... anybody remember that term?

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