I feel like a bit of a nuisance posting about this again, but the need for a voice of reason prevails.

I always thought I would have a small, low-key, backyard affair, but the most recent guest list includes 250 people, 160 of whom are SO's parents' guests. They are paying for it, and as such, claim that we don't have a say in reducing the number of their guests. Invitations were sent to their guests (not ours, long story), and presumably the deposit was made on the hall.

I had hoped in all of this, we would get the choice of a photographer, but SO's parents claim this photographer is too expensive. I don't believe this is the case, and ultimately, SO's parents will have the final say about the photographer, it appears. I was ok with not 'having my way' about the venue, food, decorations, etc., but the photographer was the last straw. The photographers they have in mind are hopelessly mediocre, and SO and I can't afford a photographer for such a large event.

This isn't what I imagined it to be, and I thought that as time went on, I would become accustomed to what the wedding has become. Instead, I have become more depressed and angry about it. I have tried to look at it as a party to which I'll show up, but the guest list is huge, and problematically, the increase in numbers represent those who are in the dark about my family's religious/ethnic background.

We could still plan a small wedding for ourselves, although the money on the hall would be lost, and it would likely cause a rift between us and SO's parents.

I am also thinking about whether it would be meaningful to have a 'secret wedding' two days before the real wedding, with our nearest and dearest, We could potentially exclude parents, or invite them along with the few others, and not tell them until the last minute that this our wedding, and what they have planned will be the party. None of the other guests, the third cousins whom we don't know, will know the difference.

From an outside perspective, is it worth explaining to them that this has become everything we didn't want, thanking them for their efforts, and planning it ourselves? Or planning a secret wedding for ourselves ahead of the event?

In dealing with having to hide my family's background, I sought advice from a therapist, who told me that I wouldn't win any arguments using rational arguments, and half-seriously, half-jokingly encouraged me to elope.