A little aside here:

Cloud9, I have to take exception to the idea that in the states the wedding has become "the brides day." I know zero people who in reality have subscribed to that notion. I think this is one of those things where reality TV and pop culture have given a hugely skewed notion of how many "bridezillas" there are here.

I think the modern American view is to see the wedding day as the couple's day. By extension, it is also a day for their families and friends to witness, support, and celebrate. The overwhelming majority of people I know feel this way. I don't know anyone who believes that the wedding day is all about the parents of the couple, and it's a shame when well-meaning parents railroad the couple's wishes.

A lot of good advice in this thread. I wish you both the best. As I see it, ultimately, the marriage at its core after that day is between you two, no matter how big a role family plays or doesn't play in the future. Given that, if I were you, I'd try to make it easy on you both, and to communicate with each other about how best to support each other to get through it. I do think the wedding as pageant is about family and community (or actually about who pays for it -- which is ultimately a gift, and I feel like I can't dictate or question gifts, just thank the giver).

Maybe taking your own personal vows ahead of time, or maybe planning a special moment at the honeymoon feels right -- I just feel like keeping it simple, private, and not entailing deception or extra planning might be compassionate as so much is on your plate. Maybe you can hire a photographer you like to take a few shots ahead of time of just you two, or maybe you can do this on your honeymoon.

My biggest question is when will your husband move out of his folks house? Can he stay at a friend's house or elsewhere briefly if it helps reduce the stress levels? Do you have a plan for living together and being able to build your own bond after marriage?

In terms of communication about the wedding itself -- invitations and such, I feel like all weddings have moment of miscommunication and frustration (lol mine did and there were about 10 people there). Most of the people at the wedding you will never see again, so you really don't need to worry about them and what they might or might not know or think, just smile and accept congratulations. In terms of the secrecy regarding your family. Will your family be there? Will they be made comfortable and welcome by your immediate in-laws? That's the most important part as I see it -- not what issues a second cousin might have.

I echo that ultimately it's just a day, and very likely not one of the most significant or meaningful days of your marriage (I really liked my wedding and I've been married almost 20 years, and it's definitely not anywhere near the most meaningful or romantic moment.)

ETA: Janet, I feel like 'the couple's day' is what most everyone expects in the US, but in reality parent's (especially mothers) can have very specific ideas about how to best celebrate (their vision) of the couple, and can believe they know best, more than the bride many times, about how to do that.

My sisters wedding involved a culture clash between her Latin and South American friends and co-workers (and her) who thought weddings were for lots of dancing and music and laughter, and her husband's somewhat strict northern European religious family, who thought weddings were for quiet conversation and a very long kneeling ceremony. The compromise was a bit disjointed and the MIL closed down the reception at about 9 pm just when the party was getting going. She totally meant well too

Kinda interesting about "the couple's day" and "the bride's day." It's bit like the difference between "I'm pregnant" and "We're pregnant."

But I think it's true, the "modern" American view is that the wedding day is for the people getting married - at least one of them, if not two. And there's a big bright line there between nuclear-family-only Americans (sorta your model American) and the rest of the world / Americans who are in touch with their heritage.

But I also think there's a divide between nuclear-family-only Americans. I think the valuation of "modern" is a big bone of contention in our society. And also, that "modern" is maybe not the most modern, cutting edge of philosophical thought. Millennials act far more conventionally than my generation, Gen X.

Anyways, I do find what's said during ceremonies, simply bizarre these days. I went to one wedding where the reverend said, "these two people are like the trees outside the window here"... and *dude,* that was it. Thirty seconds after sitting down, we're getting up and moving on to the reception. I was, *like,* Wait! I missed it! Where in that did they get married?!

Given the SO's parents' takeover of the wedding, have you explored what other aspects in your future those in their culture traditionally expect to have a major say? Where you live? The name of your first-born or first-born son? What the children's birthday parties are like? If you know someone who has married into that culture, it might be worthwhile to have a conversation. Their expectations (and what your SO may take for granted because that's what he's used to) may be quite different from yours.

I wish you all the best.

GF, I think we all know that weddings are not just for brides. Similarly we all know that conflicts with in-laws are normal and that not everything about our weddings will go our way, especially when someone else is paying. None of these things is the issue. At issue is the lack of respect they are showing you, from dictating the color of your dress to hiding your ethnic background from the invited guests. It is totally understandable that you are upset and stressed. I am a member of an ethnic group that my in-laws had contempt for, so I've been there too.

I think the best advice you've gotten is to work with your SO to make things different in the future. If you can let go of the wedding, that might help you. But I'm only saying that because it could make you less miserable to do so and not at all because the wedding's not important. It's always important to be treated respectfully and lovingly by family members and it is truly sad that this has not happened for you.

GF, I'm so sorry that what should be a happy event has become so depressing for you. I have only skimmed the responses, but based on your reply to the commenters, my advice would be to accept the family's photographer and go ahead with the wedding as planned. It seems like your husband has tried to advocate for both of you with his family, but it hasn't worked. He has tried his best, and I think that the two of you just need to support each other now. I obviously don't know your fiance, but some men might feel very deflated at not being able to advocate better for their future wife, and supporting him at this point in the decision to have his parents throw the wedding might be the healthiest thing emotionally for both of you.

I'm sorry that this has turned into a major headache. You've had some very good advice here about the wedding itself. And you know already that allowing the inlaws to pay for the event means that they have total control over it. It would have been nice if they had consulted you but they didn't and that's that.
I'm much more concerned with how you will move forward once you are married. As other posters have asked - will you be financially dependant on the inlaws in the future? Will you be living close by? How much contact will you have? It's clear that they are opinionated and controlling so you and your fiancé need to be on the same page here.
What distresses me the most in all of this is the lack of respect for your background and ethnicity. It's hurtful, inconsiderate, belittling, demeaning and simply outrageous. I know that families have their prejudices but this has taken a real toll on you I think, and I'm glad you have a therapist to help you work through it.

I'm usually in agreement with the "it's just one day" and "the wedding is for the community" folks. But people who do not approve of your background (if indeed they don't - it could be all his parents' issue) can't possibly be your community, can they? Nor the people whose love and support you seek on your wedding day. Leaving your parent's full name off the invitation is awful.

I wouldn't look for their approval or participation in any secret ceremony, I would elope with just your husband and two peers as witnesses.

Wow. i hope you get a honeymoon to look forward to, rest up, and reconnect with each other. This planning seems to have gone a fair way to completion, and what a great way to assess how you do, and do not, want to live. It is a bit of a gift! if a hard awakening to reality.
If you and the new husband can now assess how much distance and what boundaries you need to put in place to be happy and independent people, you can start to plan that life, not the one the in laws think is appropriate.
May I suggest moving a long ways away to take jobs and getting on the same page to NOT discuss anything with family that expresses negative or overwhelming opinion. Relationship and growing up and old together is hard enough without that noise, it really is.
No one puts Baby in the corner!
Much love to you.

I'm with Irene on this one. You and your SO should be planning every last detail of your wedding, regardless of who's paying.

At this point, a secret wedding that includes your friends would mean involving them in something that's less than joyful too, and frankly, I'm not sure it puts you in the best light long term.
Calling it off will likely be not only disruptive in the present, but again, an act that will strongly affect how people see you in the future.
You can do either, but I'm not sure you'll like the results.
You haven't gone into much detail about your husband's feelings on all of this but it seems like it's pretty much a power struggle between you and your future mother in law. You've already won if you're marrying her son.
I was married at the Justice of the Peace and we could've been in the middle of a parade, it wouldn't have changed the meaning in any way.
Save yourself for bigger battles.

Wise words, Isabel. A wedding lasts for one day; a marriage for much longer.

I'd say the best advice I ever got about dealing with in laws (and life in general, for that matter) is to pick your battles wisely--the goal is to win the war, not die in a skirmish. And think about long term outcomes when you decide you need to "win" because every victory will have a price attached to it. Be sure you are psychologically and emotionally willing to pay that price before you start down that road. And don't blind yourself to the tactical advantage of a strategic retreat--especially one which you instigate and which puts you in a better position for a major battle that you are willing to fling all your resources into winning.

Yes, pick your battles, BUT:

Once you're married, do yourselves a huge favor and put some distance between yourselves and your MIL. I speak from experience! I get along much better with my MIL (who calls the shots in my DH's family) if I'm not around her more than once or twice a year. My DH feels the same way, which is why when given the choice between living where we do now and taking a job much closer to where she lives, we chose to have some distance.

Wow, super tough situation and it's been good to see all the viewpoints from folks who've had similar situations or just have thought about it.
Things in the "advice" area that resonate with me are:

--A more distant or "cooler" relationship with in-laws may be in the cards for the future health of your marriage and that may be helpful to "look forward" to that--a relatioship in which you are constantly defending or sticking up for yourself or battling just won't work, as you know. So it's possible that that fits into the 'win the war and not the battle" advice, akin to playing kinda dumb and then presto, sorry, we live too far away/are so busy /tired , etc. Really get out of the mindset of staking out your turf in any interactive way.
--the parental name thing is so hurtful, I just have no way to know what would work for you. Again, is it a "live and learn" thing and then no more opportunities for it to recur?
--eloping might work, but you of course have seen the downside. I guess this is the great unknown--to me--and this is only me--I think I would be able to let go of guest list, numbers, all that if I could somehow know that I and my family would not be actually disrespected during the wedding day itself. Maybe that's so obvious, but it fits into the issue of, it's less important if it's just the style of the wedding event (you know, venue, menu, music, guest list, "disappointments" and so on) versus is it likely to be actually toxic in some way.

Deep breaths!

Oh you poor thing. So much stress and disrespect before you have even married in to the family. The wedding aside, as many have written advice from many angles for you, this should be a functional union of two families. Sure there can be civilized differences of opinion in any family, but controlling, ill mannered nastiness is not okay. It seems they are not embracing you or your family in to their family based on race. What century are we in? Do they turn up to church on Sunday's after treating others so unkindly? Are they aware of your point of view? Does your man speak up to his mother or is he controlled too?
I hate to be pessimistic but is this an omen for the future? I hope you love your man enough to endure the years with this family and this mentality....Sending you best wishes and strength to make the most of a less than ideal situation and not letting all of this destroy your spirit.

Tread carefully. This is about so much more than a wedding. I hate to say it, but as someone who has been married 10+ years ... while marriage is first and foremost about the two people in it, your ILs will have a profound impact on the health and happiness of your union. You do, in a way, marry the family. Whether you elope or have two ceremonies really doesn't matter. The types of issues you're talking about will manifest themselves in countless ways over the years.

When my sister and brother-in-law married three years ago, her future MIL controlled a lot of the wedding (even though she and the FIL didn't have a financial stake in it, to put it bluntly). She also disapproves of my sister because my family does not share the same religious background as hers (which my BIL no longer practices, BTW). My sister and BIL are both lovely people who don't like to rock the boat and deal with confrontation, so they sort of let the MIL steamroll the whole wedding thing. Well, guess what's happened? Three years and one grandchild later, MIL has only gotten worse. My sister is completely fed up, and my BIL still doesn't know how to deal with the conflict between his mom and his wife. They are in counseling because of how badly it's rocked their previously happy relationship. It breaks my heart to watch the whole thing.

Your future DH's reaction should be telling you a lot. I get being emotionally wrung out, but if he doesn't fight the battle now ... then when?

GF, I'm sorry this has become so challenging for you. Lots of great advice here for you. This is what stands out to me:

• I don't believe anyone should ever have to hide their ethnicity. Someday you may plan to have kids and allowing your ethnicity to be hidden now means your children may not be accepted later. How does your fiance feel about this?
• My MIL and I have a strange relationship, but after a few years of awkwardness (and blatant awfulness on her part - she threatened to have my SIL hurt me if I even "hurt her son" the first time she spoke to me...yeah, super weird) I laid down the law and made it my husband's responsibility to reign her in. End of story.
• If you want a different photographer, then you might want to pay for it yourselves.

For what it's worth, my husband and I had a very small wedding with only 13 of our closest family members. It was very lovely and exactly as we wanted it at the time, but sometimes I wish we'd had a big wedding with all of the pomp and circumstance. We also barely ever talk about our wedding day - it's been just a tiny blip in our 12-year relationship. There have been many greater days since.