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Second Marriage/Changing Name?

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

So....
I haven't decided if I want to change my name again when we get married in October.
I changed all three of my names the first time I married. I didn't change it back during my divorce (for many reasons). I vowed never to change my name again...but now I'm reconsidering.
Part of the reason I decided not to change my name after my divorce was so that I would have the same name as my children. Now that they're grown and gone- that isn't so important.
Some of you have been through this- thoughts/opinions?

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45 replies

Latest reply was from Gingersnap

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

I can’t speak to that directly, but I wish I’d given my kid my last name. I kept mine through a marriage that turned out to be very short. But of course (I assume) you plan for this marriage to last the rest of your life.
What are the pragmatics of keeping vs changing names? It sounds to me like you want to, so go for it.

MsMary

Veteran

I'm on marriage number three. Changed my name the first time because I liked his much better than mine. Kept it when we divorced because I still liked it better, plus we had a son by then and I wanted to have the same name as his.

Changed it the second time because it was important to him and I wanted to please him. I regretted it for a number of reasons and couldn't wait to change it back to the previous name (of Hubby No 1 and my son) when we divorced. Swore I was never changing it again.

Married Number Three and stuck to my guns -- no more changing. He doesn't care but I wouldn't have changed it even if he had. I like having the same name as my son. I always tell No. 3 it's kind of ironic that he's my favorite husband and yet he's the only one whose name I didn't take!

JAileen

Veteran

I’m still married to my first husband. I changed my name when we married. My maiden name was hard to spell, but my married name is worse. “Are you sure that’s how it’s spelled?” “Well, that’s what my husband told me.”

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

JAileen, good answer, lol!
I have a cousin who’s maiden name was kinda hard to spell. She taught first grade, so was ridiculously excited that kids in her class would have trouble spelling her new name, Green.

Style Fan

Veteran

I have been married twice, and I have never changed my name. My first husband died about twenty-one years ago. He did not care if I changed my name or not. My second husband occasionally brings up the name change, and I tell him if he wants to change his name, that is fine with me. His ex-wife changed her name when they got married, and she refers to herself as Mrs. SF. She kept his name.
I did not change my name for many reasons. First, my name is part of my identity. So for me, it would feel strange to have a different name. Second, I am also a professional, and I had an established career, so my name was part of that identity. But that was not the biggest reason. It was the identity as a whole that was the reason.

Anonymous

Changed with first marriage, changed back at divorce and changed again with second marriage.

I didn't feel compelled to preserve a professional identity, having a different last name from my children didn't have any negative effects that I know of and wasn't an inconvenience, and my sense of identity wasn't diminished by any of the three changes.

Anonymous

I wish I had not changed my last name when I married over 30 (gah) years ago . I’ve now obviously had my “new” last name longer than I ever had my “ real” last name , and I am not necessarily happy about that . I feel that who I was until I was 27 has been wiped out , and that does bother me . However , giving my child a hyphenated name was not going to happen either ( not that that was an issue at the time , but I still can’t see saddling anyone with an unnecessary mouthful ) . Anyways , I know that wasn’t your question , but you’ve made me think . I might liked to have kept my own name , and of this ever does happen in my life again - no way would I change it to the new partner’s name . Interesting

Helena

Veteran

Is there a reason you need to decide at the time of the marriage? If not, perhaps you could hold off on deciding? Fwiw, I did assume DHs name, which was mainly because I wanted all of us (once we had kids) to have the same name, but I hyphenate on social media, etc. so I am still known to my peers as my maiden name too.

Anonymous

You should definitely keep chewyspaghetti as your name Hopefully you are laughing! I use maiden name for middle name and changed last name. I like having same name as my kiddos. Either way it’s patriarchal because usually maiden name is your father’s name.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

I like Lisap’s answer. It is how I feel. I will have been married 35 years in September and was 25 when I married. I wish that my maiden name had not been lost to me. It’s too late now. My married name is my professional name. My daughter is keeping her name. (Which, I agree with Nikki, is still patriarchal because it is her father’s name). Her Vietnamese husband’s surname however while short is not easy to spell for Westerners and I suspect that might be partly why.
Funnily enough I just read several articles about this very thing yesterday and women’s identity. It was also about men choosing to use the wife’s name which is rare but beginning to happen. That really turns the whole “if you really loved me you would take my name”- which some men do use, not mine I hasten to add- on its head.
Let your heart tell you?
And how do you mean you changed all 3 of your names last time?

Aquamarine

Veteran

I took my husband’s name but kept my maiden name as a (new) middle name, effectively no longer using the middle name given to me at birth. I liked this compromise, and think especially of my dad (who passed away over 8 years ago) when I see my complete name in print.

Sally

Veteran

I have never changed my name because it was my name for over 30 years and I had all my passports, my teaching cert, diplomas etc in that name. However, I am often referred to as Mrs (sometimes with my surname and not his which is funny ). He's quite conservative so put me down as Mrs his name. The funny thing is if they know me better than him, sometimes we get a letter to Mr and Mrs (my last name). Probably not much help for you but it's funny how people assume you have changed your name if you are married.

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

Jenni-
When I got married, I shortened my first name to the nickname I had been using since junior high (including the unusual spelling). I also did what several others here have mentioned and took my maiden name as my middle name. I also changed my last name to my husbands.
This is part of the struggle I am having with the decision- all three names are in question. Khris will not go well with the new last name, if I decide to take it. I could go back to my given first and middle names and their spellings...go back to my given name but adopt the new spelling and keep my maiden as middle name...or a combination of both. I guess I could also go back to my maiden name.
I find that at work my name is usually misspelled, and often added to (so I get called Christy, Kristine, Crystal...)
Going back to my given name/spelling would help these issues and go nicely with his last name....it's just not a name I ever used and don't particularly like. As a child they used a different nickname that I hated. I never even heard my full name until kindergarten.
Anyway...lots to think about...

Echo

Veteran

I took Dh's name when we married because my father never had any particular attachment to his surname. Indeed, when he married my mum, he suggested they take her (four letter English) name instead of his (twelve letter German monstrosity). She refused, but since it didn't mean that much to him, I didn't feel so bad about changing it.

And while I'd like to say I would always keep the same last name as my children, it is a well-known name in this area. I would keep it in the event of my husband's death, perhaps, but probably not in divorce. As it stands, people often ask me about relations to X or Y, and while I kind of know how the family tree works, it is often easier for me to say I married into the family and I am not sure how closely related we are to X or Y. In the event of divorce, I don't know that I would want to even try to answer those questions.

If there would not be children in a marriage, then I would not even consider changing my name. I never felt any particular need to share a name with my partner, but I definitely wanted the same surname as my children (and then it would have been a battle over which surname to give the children because I do not believe in automatically naming children after the father).

slim cat

Veteran

I never changed my last name and my husband was fine with it ( his relatives weren't happy but got over it ).
I liked my last name better than my husband's ( mine is short, easier to use in US ) and hated all the necessary paperwork and bureaucracy that goes with name changing.
We are not together anymore ( just friends ) but still "married" on paper.
About three years ago may daughter decided to take my last name
( she changed her first name as well ) - I'm happy with that.
I think there is too much pressure to change the name when people get married - especially back in Russia ( very traditional ).

DonnaF

Veteran

Would you and your fiancé consider a completely new made up last name that both of you would adopt?

I kept my birth name after I married because to give it up would be erasing my Japanese ethnicity. My daughter has a Japanese given name, my last name as her middle name, and her dad’s last name as her last name — or at least that was the theory. She was supposed to also have her late aunt’s name as a middle name. But her dad screwed up when registering her birth. So I think she has our two unhyphenated last names as her last name. Growing up, we used a shortened version of her first name and her dad’s last name. As an adult, she uses her full first name and both last names or sometimes just my last name.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

Thanks for that Khris. I relate to the spelling issue! My full first name is Jennifer, as a child the short form was spelt Jenny ( as is most common) but when I was 15 Mum said you know, you could change it to spelling it with an i if you like- after all, your full name is Jennifer not Jennyfer. I decided that looked cool but in retrospect if I had realised I would be saying “Jenni with an i” for the next 45 years ( since I am now 60) maybe I wouldn’t have done it!
That part is very much identity-related, like if mine is spelt Jenny now it doesn’t feel like me. Which is why I keep correcting people, even old friends who forget.
I still think that hopefully your heart will tell you, maybe try out saying and writing and reading all the combinations and see what still feels like you.

Barbara Diane

Veteran

I kept my name, and my sons have my husband's name. DH was not happy that I kept my name. I offered to hyphenate but he refused to meet me half way. I had felt since I was a teenager that I would keep my name. It was mine. I did not care as much about which name my children would have, so they have his.
Both my son's wives took their last name, so while I am not Mrs. or Ms. X, both of them are. Which took a little getting used to. None of the younger female relatives kept their names, which is quite different from my friends.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

Yes our lovely female relative aged 65 really didn’t want to change her name but mostly did. Yet the younger generation ( she has 2 sons and 2 daughters) have 3 out of 4 changed! Now she feels weird that she is Mrs W. and her two much younger daughters-in-law are also Mrs W! One of her two daughters changed the name but the other kept her maiden name.
I know I changed mine. I feel the patriarchy is still alive and well. Apparently we used to have to change our names because we became the “property” of our husband instead of our father. So I am kind of pleased my daughter is keeping her name even although it’s her father’s name.

JAileen

Veteran

I do not feel owned by my husband. And he knows better than to try to tell me what to do.

I wanted to add that I use my maiden name as my middle name, with no hyphen. I still have my middle name, but don’t use it, except here.

Our son is not married, but his girlfriend told us that she would not take his name. I liked that she felt comfortable saying so.

anchie

Veteran

I haven’t changed my last name when got married, and my kids have my husband’s last name. That did cause some issues when traveling alone with kids when they were little, and I had to bring birth certificates with me to prove the relationship. I do regret that I did not give my last name to our daughter because I have german spelling last name, and now that we live in Austria and that she was born here, it would be much more convenient for her. But recently she asked if it is ok to change her last name to mine so maybe I will have my wish. Keeping my last name was important to me, as previously also mentioned, because I feel that it is part of my identity. But there were also some minor reasons like not really liking my husband last name and being lazy to change all the documents to different name

Synne

Veteran

I kept my own last name when I married my husband, but am seriously considering changing my name to his, esp now after kids. We are a family after all. A little unity. Why not share family name. My mother and all my aunts and respective children kept their own names when coupling up. Almost by default. There wasn't even a question to doing it differently, egalitarianism and all. Now I see it as truly romantic to take one's husbands name. "I commit to thee..." Rose colored glasses!

Jenni NZ

Veteran

Well it is nice Synne to all have the same family name, and I have experienced that for 30 years since the oldest child and nearly 25 years since the youngest child (of 3) of there being 5 of us with the same name. And it’s certainly traditional. I think I allowed that feeling to override my previous egalitarianism/feminism, even though I didn’t feel like the “property” of my husband and he is quite enlightened and feminist himself. But as the decades have gone by I do feel the loss of my original name. With all the opinions in this great thread ( thank you Khris!) it seems a bit like there are advantages and disadvantages for all options especially when you have children.
I would have quite liked a hyphenated surname but both of ours were quite long and difficult to spell correctly, it would have been such a mouthful I didn’t want to saddle the kids with that! And I feel it can only last one generation because the next one down won’t want surname W-X-Y-Z!

Christina F.

Veteran

I never changed (married at 32, no kids). I didn’t want to by then, and my husband’s a hyphenate. His parents were super progressive when the married and hyphenated in the 70’s - they both took the new name. But it’s a pain in the butt, as Lisa P points out. I have a Portuguese last name that I decided I didn’t want to lose as well.

That all said, it’s a very personal question, but I at least hope that we now live in a world where people can decide for themselves rather than defaulting to changing. People in our lives accepted it pretty well after some initial confusion. Most people don’t call me Mrs or Dr (I have a PhD) his name anyway, though I always figured I wouldn’t mind too much socially. Do what feels authentic for you.

Anonymous

Sometimes a surname, or at least a variation, can resurface as a first name for a grandchild. My sister in law has five children with their father's last name but one child's first name is her maiden name.

Although I switched back and forth, I never really "lost" my maiden name because it was my middle name during marriage, my last name after divorce, and is now my middle name again, a process which I thought, until reading this post, was standard.

rachylou

Veteran

An interesting conversation. I’m not married. My mother kept her name as a middle name. On my father’s side of the family, everyone uses my grandfather’s name, I’m talking down to third cousins, regardless of their actual last name, because it’s kinda a clan thing.

Runcarla

Veteran

With a German mouthful, rarely spelled correctly, and easily twisted into a taunt, I was happy to exchange my ‘maiden’ name for my husband’s (wonderfully short) family name when given the opportunity. (Having dated a bunch of guys with easy, short, last names - my family teased me about screening potential partners by brevity of moniker - and saying ‘yes’ to the shortest one on offer!)

My sister had two children with Mr. X after sharing his name. They divorced and she married Mr. Y - and had 2 more children. She goes by Name X-Y since two of her kids have the X name, and two have the Y name.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I have only been married this one time, but married at the relatively old age of almost 38 (we started dating when I was 32, and he’s been married twice before me). I kept my maiden name for a few years, as it was part of my business (my domain name and all) and I didn’t feel a huge desire or preference either way, so for simplicity’s sake, I didn’t make a change. However, after a few years of marriage, I changed career paths, and decided to take my husband’s last name at that point — sort of a marker of my new phase in life, and a tribute to our partnership. Quite frankly, the career change would not have been possible without him, so it felt right. I’m a firm believer in doing what feels right for each person in their own individual situation — I would never judge anyone for changing their name or not changing it.

Honestly, I never loved my maiden surname — it was the source of lots of teasing as a kid — but now I still use it as my middle name. I like that my new name is alliterative too, and both my husband and I are “JJ.” My husband didn’t mind at all when I originally didn’t take his name, but was pleasantly surprised later when I did. No regrets here.

Eliza

Veteran

We have been married for over 40 years, with two adult children. Never changed my name; kids have Mr E’s last name and middle names from my family. When were married, my career was getting launched and mostly, I didn’t want to change my name. Husband’s only request was that he not have a hyphenated last name, for simplicity’s sake. Raising kids here, many of their peers had parents with different last names. Daughter recently married and also decided to keep her last name. Good to trust your preferences on this one, whatever they are.

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