Sales Associate Passive Agressive Rudeness - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Shopping

Welcome! Read about what to wear and how to wear it on the YLF Blog. Join the YLF Forum to ask specific questions or just chat about fashion and personal style. Or check out the curated list of things we love in YLF Finds.

Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

Sales Associate Passive Agressive Rudeness

wilson

Angie's post earlier this week about an unprofessional sales associate prompts me to write about sales associates who are obvious peers (age wise) or younger who call me "hon" (as in short for honey). In the past years I've noticed a trend among sales clerks saying things like "what can I get you hon?" and "there you go hon". It really bothers me because to me it feels like a passive agressive form of belittling. Being given a flippant term of endearment by a much younger woman irks me. A few times I have told clerks that I'm not their beloved so please don't call me "hon", which addresses the issue but usually ends in the clerk acting embarrassed and not wanting to interact after that. A woman I know who teaches ettiquette was as perplexed as I was about how to handle this when I asked her about it. Does this bother anyone else? Has anyone come up with a firm answer that still leaves room to build the relationship?

Shopping

45 replies

Latest reply was from Katiepea

marianna

Veteran

Hmm, I may have a different viewpoint on this because I am currently a SA, but I don't think the sales person is trying to belittle you, rather it sounds like they are trying to befriend you and just be friendly. I don't say "hon" because that's not how I talk, but I personally wouldn't think anything of it. But if it bothers you, you can absolutely tell the person to stop saying that. We are there to serve you and you can tell us what works and what doesn't work. As a SA I wouldn't be offended if someone said to me: "Please don't call me hon" and left it at that.

Kate

Veteran

I have a friend who is 6 years older than me and calls her friend hon. At first I thought it was just me, because I'm younger, but after observing her some more, I realized she does it to all of her female friends. Knowing it wasn't something about me that led her to call me hon made it a lot easier for me to ignore.

At my college, a lot of the women (who were mothers and grandmothers) who worked in the dining hall called the students hon and similar terms of endearment. Again, I figured it was what they were used to, and calling us a more formal sir or mam would be weird.

Anyway, I would assume that they aren't trying to be rude, that they call all customers hon, and that it's a habit that they don't actively think about. Knowing that it's not a reflection of how they think of you or how you present yourself can make it easier to brush it aside.

MsMary

Veteran

I don't hate it as much as you do, but I don't love it. And I am just childish enough to go all passive-aggressive back. If they say "There you go, hon," I am likely to say "Thanks, doll!" And either they get the message and stop it, or we call one another "hon" and "babe" and "sweetie" all day, which kind of tickles my funny bone enough that I get over being annoyed.

Claudia

Veteran

I agree with Marianna, that this is only meant to be friendly. It's interesting what bothers each of us or pushes certain buttons. Personally I don't like being addressed as "ma'am," but realize that's just me and my quirk and that no one using it means to offend, but everytime I hear it directed at me I cringe inside.

LeahJanes

Using pet names or nicknames I come up with is a very bad habit of mine. Must readdress it cause I never knew it could be misconstrued. My current one is "my dear". I always thought it was a bit silly and funny, but I can understand how people can be belittled by it.

I think the simplest way to communicate you don't like the endearment terms, but leaving room to build a relationship with the person would be to introduce yourself by name, and ask them theirs.

Sally

Veteran

I dont mind it but I remember that it really irks my mother. I remember an incident when I was a teenager and she told a lady off for calling her darling or something. I was abit embarrased by it(typical teenager) but the lady did stop it and move on. She said something like "I wish you would stop calling me that".

Anonymous

I must admit - and fully agree with Wilson - that I don't appreciate to be called "hon" , "sweetie", "love" or anything similar to that. I can understand that the sales person might be trying to befriend a person but I believe this is not the way to do it and there are more tactful (and classy) ways to do it. We (my husband and I) have run a business for years and never ever called anyone "hon" or "love" or "mate" or "pal". It has been always "sir" or "madam" and sometimes (rarely) using the first names with our regular customers but only after asking us to do so. I think in the end it boils down to treating people with courtesy and respect (call me "conservative" if you wish but that's what I think).

wilson

This is hands down my biggest shopping irk. It doesn't taint my day or anything like that but it really bugs me in the moment. I want to guide and instruct the clerk that its not appropriate, not cut her down or embarrass the people who are with me. I usually don't say anything, just let it slide; anything else is so.....awkward.

I know the clerks probably don't know better and they are not trying to be rude, but it is rude and I want to gently address that.

tarzy

Veteran

Wilson - I know exactly what you are talking about, and I have felt the exact same way.

I do think it's important to look at those things that push our buttons. I usually try to figure out if I'm really feeling a condescending attitude from that person, or if the reaction has more to do with me - am I feeling old that day, or unattractive, or somehow powerless?

But yes, I do find there are certain SAs who play little power games. Sometimes it's the older, snotty ones who get to me, and sometimes its the younger ones. I tend not to go back to stores where I feel uncomfortable. I don't know if that's good or bad!

Jonesy

Veteran

I know what you mean. Sometimes the "hon" can seem genuine and sweet, but sometimes it can seem condescending, sarcastic, or passive aggressive. I think I actually hate being addressed as ma'am or as ladies (when I'm with a group of women out for dinner, for example) more, however. I really don't get why SAs and waitstaff can't just avoid using any of these, so they don't annoy or offend anyone. For example, when the waiter approaches our table, he could say "how is everyone doing this evening?" "Can I get you anything to drink to start?" "Can I get you an appetizer to start?" etc. instead of the obnoxious, somewhat condescending and mocking "How are you ladies doing this evening?" "Can I get you ladies anything to drink?" "Can I start you ladies off with an appetizer?" Etc. etc. It drives me nuts (as this rant attests!).

wilson

Tarzy = Wise

Jonesy: That is exactly why this irks me. I like to keep things real. It is difficult to determine whether what the clerk is saying is a "cute" habit or a sugar coated zinger. It is too easy for someone who has developed this "cute" habit to slip in a zinger here and there and then its not real anymore. Maybe it gives me red flags when I hear it, even in a friendly manner, because a lot of people have developed it as a way to pop a zinger when they feel the need to. Hmmm...

Maya

Veteran

Wow, you guys are a tough crowd.

If someone is being nice to me, I don't have a problem with whatever they call me. Ma'am, miss, hon, dear...seriously, I just don't care. Someone is offering to help me and I appreciate that. Unless we have had an interaction or they/I have done something to make me suspect they're being passive aggressive, it would not be my instinct to assume the worst of them. It might not be my style or something I would say, but since when does the world have to behave just like me?

OTOH, I have to be blunt here, as I usually am: I don't think it's very nice to make assumptions about someone else's intentions based on one's own personal quirks. It's one thing not to like it, but another to assume they're being belittling or condescending. I don't think it's incumbent upon the SA to change. Rather, the offended party might just have to adjust their thinking.

People grow up learning different styles of communication. That's all it is. I am genuinely surprised and I must admit, somewhat dismayed, at how easily offended people are over such minor things.

Louise

Veteran

I don't think it's very professional for a SA to be using familiar terms like hon, with people they don't know.
One of the teaching assistants at school calls everyone hon and one of the office staff says "morning lovely" but they are all people who they have a 'relationship' with. I think SA's need to make people feel comfortable but they need to be courteous and respectful x

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

Ohmigawd I HATE that!
"Sweetie", "darlin" "Hon" "babe", etc. I hear it all the time.
They are not just terms of endearment (and inappropriately in a work environment), they are diminutive, and it's a passive aggressive way to be dismissive and superior to a customer. It drives me bonkers.

Claudia

Veteran

Did anyone (Tarzy?) see the movie "Friends With Money" by any chance, and remember the scene when Frances McDormand's character has her 'incident' while shopping at Old Navy?

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I call my daughter Honey all the time and she rolls her eyes and says 'no Teah' with a cross look on her face.

I have to say I would not be offended by the term, in fact I would probably find it slightly amusing. I guess it would all depend on the tone of voice.

biscuitsmom

Veteran

wow...I never thought of it that way. I was a grocery cashier for 21 yrs and quite often called my favorite customers 'hon'. I certainly never meant any disrespect or was trying to belittle anyone...I had only one lady (and I use the term loosely) complain- she wanted to be addressed as 'mrs.' which I did and she only seemed to give me the 'slightest' bit of respect when she saw my wedding ring and realized I am also a 'mrs. ' it just seems natural to me to say 'hon 'to people I like... In fact Ive called several online friends that....hope no one took offense to it!

Deb

I'm totally okay with "hon" as well as with waiters referring to a table of female friends as "ladies."

"Hon" from a female sales associate establishes a friendly encounter - for me, anyway - and I sooooo prefer it to sales associates who simply look over my head or stay behind their counter chatting.

As far as "ladies" goes - I think it's simply a polite way of addressing a group of women. If I'm in a meeting with all men, or emailing only men, I typically will address them as "gentlemen" as in "Good afternoon, gentlemen..." and "Gentlemen: I 've a couple of ideas I'd like to share with you."

There certainly are occasions when a person will use those terms to belittle and condescend. Perhaps they need to be taken in context.

As the saying goes: You can call me anything - just don't call me late for dinner!

:o)

Queen Mum

Veteran

I am not offended at all by the term "hon". I take it as a term of endearment when spoken by a woman older than myself.
As for being addresses as ladies by a waiter, I take that as a compliment as well. It means that he notices that the table is full of lovely ladies out for an evening of fun.

Jonesy

Veteran

Without a doubt, individual people have different responses to different terms. One person may be bugged by hon, another by babe, a third by ma'am. Someone else might not care what salespeople call them. Of course, the way a particular term feels can vary depending on the context, the relationship, the genders involved, the ages involved, etc. I know when I was younger, I didn't really think about these sorts of terms. I was usually called miss (or occasionally sir--presumably because I'm tall!) and that would slightly irritate me, but not too much. But now, especially when a younger person seems to be condescending to me, it feels annoying to be called certain terms. Bottom line: from a business standpoint I would think that salespeople or waitstaff would want to avoid annoying or offending people if at all possible, so why use these terms at all, when there is no need to?

wilson

I forgot about that scene Claudia! Her character also refused to wash her hair for weeks...right in line with Angie's post yesterday.

Katja

(website)

It's hard to see how anyone can do the right thing for everyone!

My example always is that I grew up (mostly) in Virginia, and am still nonplussed when people are insulted by being called "ma'am", as in my book it is a term of respect and really has nothing to do with age - and it's certainly not an insult. That said, I try hard never to say it anywhere outside of the US South, but I'm sure I slip up.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

These responses are eye opening. We all have different buttons!

This type of naming does not offend me. I almost don't even hear it. Is that weird?

Last week, I did have a very young SA suggest to my client that she wear hose type leggings as pants - right in front of me. After I picked my jaw off the ground I suggested a pair of leans and we moved on.

Queen Mum

Veteran

so how about this one...
Just today the grocery clerk chuckled when I offered my ID for purchasing wine... and then called me ma'am. LOL
AND he was clearly 10 years older than me. Life is too short to get uppity about these things. I just chuckled all the way to the car

taylor

Veteran

Rude? You think they are being rude?

I am with Maya, Angie, Kim and Marianna, R&J and others on this.

MsMary

Veteran

This is such an interesting thread! Upon reflection, I agree with Maya that absent clear evidence that sombody is being intentionally rude, we are responsible for our reactions and should own our idiosyncratic preferences.

OTOH, I do think that in pretty much any business setting, including retail and food service, over-familiarity is inappropriate. I think we can all agree that "hon" is overly familiar. Some might think "ladies" falls into the same category; I tend to think "ladies" is an appropriate collective noun for a group of females.

On still another hand, it is undeniable that (to recall our very interesting Mad Men discussion on the blog the other day) certain people in certain settings most certainly do use terms of endearment as a way to establish their one-up position. Think about the boss who calls his secretary "Sweetie," or refers to his assistant as "my girl." Or the obnoxious drunk in a bar, calling the waitress "Honey." Definite hierarchical posturing going on there.

My rules:

1. Terms of endearment are best left for those with whom one is truly intimate.
2. One should never presume intentional rudeness. If one is the object of an inappropriate term of endearment, one should assume the endearment-user has benign motives rather than evil ones.
3. If one is the object of an inappropriate term of endearment, one may
a. Say, "Please, call me [insert preferred form of address here]." or
b. Assume the endearment-user wishes to initiate an intimate relationship and respond in kind, with "dear," "honey," and similar terms. or
c. Rise above it, as my mother would say, and let it go.

Megan

I'm with Maya et al. on this one- it doesn't bother me what the SA is calling me if she is being polite and helpful!

I

tina

I'm from Baltimore and it's part of the local culture to be called "Hon," especially by those of the older generation. I usually find it endearing. It reminds me of my childhood.

greenglove

(website)

Veteran

I am with all those that Taylor agreed with. It has never bothered me in the least and is in my experience an expression of warmth that there is much too little of in our cold fearful world.

12