Sad, I messed up on my SYC promise and now DH is upset (UPDATE) - YouLookFab Forum

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Sad, I messed up on my SYC promise and now DH is upset (UPDATE)

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

I was supposed to be on SYC, DH told me to stop buying clothes and I promised him I would. Well I placed an order for the Kut white skinny jeans and a couple other things in different sizes figuring I would try the different sizes and return most of them right away, I wasn't expecting to keep it all. DH found out (saw the email on my order) and is really mad and disappointed. I know I shouldn't have gone behind his back but I had just returned a bunch of stuff to Nordstrom (including the size 4 white Kut skinnies) and to Target so I figured it was OK since I was still negative on the spending with all the returns. Now I'm sad that he doesn't trust me anymore. I'm going to return everything and start SYC for real. I feel really sad and guilty...I really messed up big time!

Shopping

55 replies

Latest reply was from harmonica

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Natalie - all you can do is return everything, renew the promise and stick to it, and move on. It'll be ok. Sending hugs.

Sarah A

Veteran

so hard! I feel for you... It will be okay, just give it some time....

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Hugs, Natalie. So sorry that this happened. It's awful when we break our promises to ourselves and our loved ones. Your argument made sense to me, but I can also understand why it would be hard for him to see it that way. On the other hand, it must be really tough for you to feel judged about this, when you can actually afford what you are buying? I am sure the two of you will figure out a way to talk this through and come to some place of equilibrium. But I guess it might take a little time.

MsMary

Veteran

Natalie, do you have a clothing budget? Seems like the best thing to do is to sit down and figure out a realistic budget and then shop your budget instead of trying to shop your closet. You are still having a really good time with fashion and it doesn't seem like you're ready to go cold turkey. If you have money earmarked for clothes, then you will be free to buy what you want within the budget and you won't have to deal with justifying your purchases one at a time!

My hubby and I each have a clothing budget AND a no-questions-asked "personal slush fund" that gets funded every month. That money is already in the budget so there's no need to even have a discussion about my clothing purchases (or any other purchases, for that matter *cough* DH's electronics *cough*) as long as we don't dip into money that's earmarked for other things.

ETA: In the past couple of years I have spent a LOT of money on clothes. But I figure my clothes are not just to keep the elements off my body -- they are also entertainment, and a hobby. And entertainment and hobbies are perfectly reasonable things to spend money on as long as funds are not being diverted from higher-priority budget line items. It took me a while to figure that out, but now I "own" that position and it makes sense in my marriage. (And Hubby has his own hobbies and entertainment that get funded similarly.)

Mochi

Veteran

Hi. Have been away from YLF for a bit so I didn't know you were on a SYC challenge. Good for you! You have a great wardrobe of gorgeous clothes you can focus on now...hunting can get tiring!

To be honest, for someone like me at least, I find spending time on blogs that emphasize gorgeous clothes (or yummy food, for that matter) make it that much harder to simply look without feeling like wanting more and more. If it makes things easier for you, you may want to take a break for a couple of days, a week or whatever and see if that decreases your urge to shop.

Good luck and stay strong! It's only one strike; sure your DH will not stay disappointed for long.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Oh, it's so hard when your loved one doesn't see wardrobe finances eye to eye with you.
I got a white crop jacket 2 days ago 'on the sly' while I was out in town alone. It was only $15 but I know we need to be waiting until we start working and bringing in money. I did use a credit card that has a negative balance, so no money out of pocket. I have a job lined up but it doesn't start until the snow ends.
I also found some cash in a purse while organizing this week. That means with my Paypal balance plus the $$ I could buy my ink blue dress . . . but I am supposed to be on SYC so I would have to ask a friend to buy it and then pay her. Kinda sneaky, yes. But I am not spending money we don't have. Still . . . there is guilt. I understand.

fern

Veteran

What they said - it will be okay.
And: You have an amazing closet.
You can work through this with your husband and figure out what kind of shopping level feels ok to both of you. I would let some time pass though

san

Veteran

Oh please know that you are not the only one who has been in this situation. You really do have a fabulous sense of style but it seems that hubbys in general don't always agree with the out going money. It has always confused me because a hubby enjoys his wife looking great but it seems hard for them sometimes to understand the cost of it. Please don't beat yourself up or feel guilty about this because it seems to be a universal thing and you do seem to have control of the situation. It is very sweet that you are so concerned about this though. You are a good person and a good wife.

rae

(website)

Veteran

Everyone else has already given great advice. It will be okay! Honestly, it sounds like it was just a communication problem of one person hearing "no more buying" and the other hearing "no more spending" - two things which, while similar, are different in our world of return policies. :T

christieanne

Veteran

I think Rae pegged it - total misunderstanding on the spending/returning thing. Been there (as it sounds like many of us have). No need to feel guilty and it seems like you two can work through this communication thing in a few days.

Anonymous

Sorry you're feeling bad.
I agree with what Mary K brought up. All couples need to have personal money they can do with what they want. I have known so many women who have to be accountable for every penny spent but the husbands don't.

MsMary

Veteran

And I forgot to say: Hugs!! I'm sorry you had an upset with Hubby!! (And sorry that I went right into solution mode and forgot to say that earlier. Sometimes I swear I'm really a guy...)

velvetychocolate

Veteran

I agree with rae on this - it sounds like you were just finishing up some last-minute shopping and dealing with returns and so on. All very normal at the tail-end of buying a bunch of stuff. I think it's ok to "finish" what you were doing, and get one last wardrobe hole sorted out.

At the same time, I can see how your husband might not "get it" in the sense that he's seeing a bunch of stuff that's been ordered, without realizing that most of it will be returned and that you're just clearing the decks, so to speak.

Please don't feel bad - it's ok if you just needed to finish up - and like rae said, I don't think husbands always understand the idea that things will be returned - that you're just ordering to check size and so on.

Only thing I can suggest is increasing communication - perhaps saying, "Oh, I'm ordering a bunch of pants just to try since I already have that credit..." or what have you.

Having said all of that - how do you feel about going on (or agreeing to go on) SYC for awhile? Is this something you want?

Hang in there, and I'm sure it'll all work out.

Anonymous

So sad. He'll come around. We need a *shoe math* class for hubbies.

Debbie

Veteran

Hang in there!

Anonymous

Oh man! Those pesky promises
I'm sorry.

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

I'm with Mary. SYC with absolutely no shopping may be unrealistic. Controlled dosage is probably a better option. Perhaps you can negotiate a reasonable budget and then make sure you stick to it. I would suggest waiting a few days though.

(((hugs)))) As with most misunderstandings, it will blow over quickly.

Anonymous

Hugs. MaryK has good advice about agreeing to a budget for "hobbies" for both of you.

Meredith1953

Veteran

I'm sure that it is as Rae pointed out, a misunderstanding about what constitutes "spending". You will soon have it sorted out

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Aww I agree w/ everyone else that it sounds more like a miscommunication! I hope you guys get it sorted out.

My parents also have a "slush fund" they can draw from with no questions asked. It makes them fight less.

*HUGS*

bj1111

Veteran

sorry to be blunt...i don't understand is it's a money issue or a control isse or a turning into your mother issue.

if it's a money issue, you're a scope jockey, he's a rads, you seem like a reasonably evel headed couple with your priorities of fiscal conservatism intact. so budgeting for your clothing expenses, or a no questions asked slush fund may not solve ths since any spending on clothing may set him off.

it sounds like differential expectations... that your turning into a woman he does not recognize. perhaps you coming into your own , expressed and mediated by your new interest in fashion is threatening and disconcerting and he feel that left out or uncomfortable with the changing dynamic.

as with most things, the specifc stressor, your shopping, is an indicator rather than the cause of the tension.

i do feel sympathetic about your stress and the feeling that you are causing the tension. clearly, i think it is his reaction that needs more scrutiny.

Marley

Veteran

So sorry to hear this! I too have been down this road and the worse thing about it was the feeling that I had betrayed my husband and he would have trouble trusting me again. Eventually we got it worked out and we are actually communicating much better now than we were before!

I think making promises like SYC needs to really be defined in terms of why you are SYCing. Everybody has a different motivation (for example, for me it is economical as well as practical - I don't have any money for clothes and I don't have anymore closet space for clothes.) However, if I did have the cash for clothes and space for clothes, as well as the desire, I certainly wouldn't be SYCing! So, why are you SYCing and why is your husband so emotionally invested in you SYCing???? Maybe answering those questions may help you figure out what the solution is for you in the future!

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Randomness: Whoa, your hubby is a rads and you're a scope jockey? THAT IS SO AWESOME. I have never met a lady scope jockey!!! *SQUEEEEEE*

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

Okay I must ask. What is a scope jockey and a rads? The only thing that comes to mind when I read scope jockey is the colonoscopy and endoscopy which makes me thing of my gastroenterologist. If I am on the right track that would make rads a radiologist.

Am I warm?

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

I think bj is on to something with this:

"it sounds like differential expectations... that your turning into a woman he does not recognize. perhaps you coming into your own , expressed and mediated by your new interest in fashion is threatening and disconcerting and he feel that left out or uncomfortable with the changing dynamic."

People associate all sorts of things with fashion and shopping. Fashion: self-absorbed, vain. Shopping: potential debt, unwise use of resources, stuffing feelings through buying, compulsive behavior. He may be fearing all of these things about you. He may be thinking, where is my smart, children-loving, home-loving, modest, hard-working, good with money Natalie?

You need to assure him that you are the same person and this is a hobby and I totally agree with Mary SYB is the way to go for someone in your position.

I hope you get a chance to sit down and talk it through. Hang in there and sending you big, big hug!

(And yes this is very common. I practice SYB and pay for everything with cash/debit. I don't go through this with my bf, I go through this with my Mother. I live next door to her on her property. I pay rent. But she feels she needs to voice her disapproval over my love of fashion and shopping at least once a week.)

ManidipaM

Veteran

Natalie, I'm so sorry about the bust-up. Hang in there, and as others have said, I'm sure it will blow over.

Once it has, that is the time to bring up the uncomfortable questions and have that talk about expectations and what each of you is comfortable with. Lots of deep and perceptive thoughts already, but I just wanted to add this: If you promised not to buy any clothes (as I understand from your post above), then the fact that you justified it as okay to buy the jeans since you wouldn't be spend extra money (different thing, buying and spending, as Rae so astutely points out) *might*, *maybe* suggest that you weren't 100% okay with your own promise either. Do think about why and what the source of your own discomfort with the promise itself might be, as well as getting to the root of your husband's reaction.

ARE you really ready to SYC? If you agreed to go SYC (as opposed to resolving to yourself) because you think it is imperative for peace in the household, really think hard about whether you comfortably and happily *can*. If not, I'd go MaryK's route. Knocking heads over whether or not to SYC to start with might be better than a mopey or resentful you, or a disappointed him down the line.

Or if that is not feasible because you both need/want to save for other budgetary priorities that take precedence over clothes, you KNOW we all think you have a great bunch of outfits already! So maybe you can't do the white jeans this summer, but will you look any less fab than other moms on the playground or other doctors on the ward? Heck, no --- entirely the reverse! Go forth with confidence, therefore, and conquer the SYC challenge if that's what you must do!

Anonymous

Hey, I am so sorry to hear about the misunderstanding and your difficulties with SYC. If you want some resources Sal at alreadypretty.com has a recent guest post up about stopping to shop. Sal herself has some thoughts about it, and order posts about her own shopping ban. I hope things come right. You have a great community of supportive women at YLF, hang in there.

Andrea B.

Oh, Natalie. Sending you hugs. This is so difficult. It does sound like there was a misunderstanding about expectations here. But BJ is onto something:

"it sounds like differential expectations... that your turning into a woman he does not recognize. perhaps you coming into your own , expressed and mediated by your new interest in fashion is threatening and disconcerting and he feel that left out or uncomfortable with the changing dynamic."

This says a lot. I know I'm going through this with my DH (who wonders why this woman he's married to no longer wants to be a schlumpadinka) and all you can do is try to be patient and work through it. Again, many hugs.

Fruitful

Veteran

Natalie, I think one can only promise oneself to SYC.

And I don't think one person can tell another person not to shop if they are in an equal relationship.

Unless a person is in a situation of poverty/not able to meet financial goals, this kind of decision shouldn't be promised one person to another. It needs to come from within. It doesn't work to go on a diet because you promised somebody who wanted you to.

Maybe you don't really have your own reasons for doing SYC. If I read your post and didn't know you at all, I would think it was somebody who was afraid of somebody in charge of them talking. Or a little girl who was led to believe she'd been bad.

We all have our patterns (I need to work through this myself so maybe I am projecting my own stuff, and this isn't going on for you at all) and falling into obedient-girl is one we can sometimes do. If this is what is happening for you when it comes to money, shopping and DH, perhaps you can work towards shifting perspective.

I know a lot of people, some women, and most guys, would not flagellate themselves over something like this, rather they would say "so what, I'm a grownup, you're a grownup, deal with it".

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