Aww Natalie, I understand completely. I would always promise to stop spending completely too, but I'd always find a sale or something incredible that I had to have, which annoyed my husband to no end. We have since set a budget and no matter how many amazing things I HAVE to buy, the budget always keeps me in check. That has worked well for us, so maybe you could consider that instead of quitting cold turkey?

Natalie, (I'll call you by your name since everybody here does, hope I don't offend!), first off, I so feel the pain you are in now. I commend you for writing it out here, for starting this post. It has generated so many valuable insightful ideas from members. I wish for you and your DH to grow from this. Relationships are always in evolution, with ups and downs.

I so agree with Fruitful's analysis of SYC.

And about buying new clothes: No, it is not frivolous, it is not superficial, and it is not something we can cut ourselves from completely without consequences. It is an essential part of loving ourselves.

Clothes and accessories cannot be viewed and cut out of a budget the way new video games can. It's not the same. A video game is pure pleasure. Dressing and self care is pleasure AND necessity. Take it away, and you are also taking away part of an ongoing PROCESS within you, a flame that has to be kept alive, even if tiny. He might not see the necessity of it, but then again, he is not a woman in 2012.

Not to mention that trying to simply cut yourself out of fashion and new clothes only brings on more expenses later on. SYC can only be done for a while before it crumbles and everything has to be started from scratch.

There are many ways to value yourself but in this society we live in, where image is so omnipresent, where we meet a lot of new people for a very short time on a regular basis, clothing and self presentation IS crucial. Much more crucial than a 100 yrs ago when pple stayed mostly among the same group daily.

But most importantly, we are fighting off daily oncoming difficult messages forcing us to compare ourselves with impossible, fictitious models: 14 yr old girls with perfect skin advertising skincare, Photoshop doctored pictures of impossibly thin, impossibly long-legged beings, supposedly "curved" women appearing very slim, Real Housewives of (your city here) throwing money out the window, throwing tantrums too, while fully dressed as if going to a Gala at 10 in the morning. And the list goes on.

You have to be a saint or a very special type not to be affected by this, even remotely. And there's nowhere to hide! Everywhere you go it's there. Believe me, even in third world remote countries its omnipresence torments women there just like here.

It is paramount for us to find a response in order to claim ourselves back from this. We in the year 2012 have to do so much more in that regards than our grand-mothers, than our mothers even. The idea that shopping for clothes is frivolous and unnecessary is something that stems in our grand-mothers' era. It is not true any more. It is a wrong idea in that it shuts the door for us to any fighting back to the destructive messages we are bombarded with.

You have crafted a method and were finishing a buying-returning project. Obviously you are responding to this intelligently. But your DH couldn't see any of it, because he probably thinks buying new clothes is equal to buying a new video game.

It's not.

So sit down with DH and rethink this whole SYC business. Explain things in detail to him. He has to understand there is more to it. Also revisit your earlier promise. Own it, yes, take responsibility for what you did. But at the same time, don't beat yourself in the head too much with it either: know that there are other factors that make SYC an almost impossible task. The mistake here was maybe to set the impossible goal.

A last idea: when discussing with DH, propose concrete solutions to bring the cost down of this necessary expense: sell clothes to second-had shops, buy online when it's less expensive, visit places where clothes are cheaper. Your DH will love concrete ideas.

Sorry for such a long post!

Sending hugs, I've been where you are. So many others have sent such good advice that I have little to add except to encourage calm communication with your husband. You are a team and have to work together as a team.

Natalie, there has been so much good advice here. Don't feel too bad - most of us have probably felt the way you do at some point or another, rather with our DH or with our parents, etc. I don't know if you are a working mom, but if not, perhaps this is part of the problem with the feeling of guilt (like if he is the one brining in the money right now you may feel that you are required to ask before spending?).

Depending on your arrangement and relationship with your own DH, there are probably things you need to figure out so you don't have to feel this way again in the future. For women, fashion is much more than a self-interest vainity process, it's our way of staying attractive for ourselves, desirable for our mate, of feeling more self esteem, of not "disappearing" into frumpdom after starting a family or passing a certain age, and of staying within certain social expectations. Sometimes we get a bit carried away in wanting to be "perfect" about our choices that we can overindulge or just make ill conceived decisions. If you must shop online it makes it all that much harder as you must order multiple sizes, styles and make a lot of returns. It "feels" like you are shopping more when you must shop online.

Do you ever purchase clothing for your DH instead of just for yourself? I do this regularly because my DH hates to shop, I like to choose things for him and it's fun to see him enjoy a purchase I make for him. I think this helps keep things on a more even ground. I also think it's important to make sure you are wearing the fashion FOR your DH even more than you are wearing it for others. If that makes sense. Most DH's seem to want to be reassured of this.

All that said, it does indeed come down to budget. Either you can afford to spend the money or not. If not, there is more of a problem. If you can, then you probably do just need to figure out an acceptable budget for fashion and stick to it.

All will be fine. Most guys seem to be pretty quick at forgetting this type of thing. Give it some time, a couple of weeks or so, and then maybe try to talk about a budget for fashion.

As you know, it isn't the fact that you purchased something, but that ( in his mind ) you were actively trying to decieve him. Any relationship is a negotiation. Commit to him that you will discuss it with him next time. Even if he doesn't agree, if your request is reasonable , tell him you are going to go ahead with it but you want him to know. I think that a pair of white skinnies is reasonable. Also explain to him your train of thought, which is very logical.

I think that it would also be helpful to keep a list of "holes" and explain that to him. This really is about trust. This makes one doubt everything...like what else are you keeping from him ? ( In his mind ) Just keep him in the loop.

I would re-negotiate a more doable agreement. Not totally SYC, so that you can buy a few things that are holes. It is never good to agree to an extreme promise, IMO. That sets you - and him - up for failure. But for the time being, discuss all your purchases with him to build trust again. He will come around.

Good Luck !!!!!!!

I'm sorry you're sad, Natalie. Big hugs.

As I read through the insightful replies another aspect of the situation occurred to me. You have a stressful career and are a mother. Perhaps you use fashion as an outlet - a hobby that results in little consequence if you make an error. You order something and it doesn't work out, you send it back. Perhaps for you shopping is a form of therapy to compensate for the need to be as close to perfect as you possibly can in other areas of your life.

Take the time to think it through and develop a plan to address the situation with DH that works for you. You are both intelligent people who love each other. It will work out.

Also so sorry you are sad......hang in there; I'm sure you will work this out!

Natalie, I hope this works out.

If it helps, I am having similar struggles with my husband. I used to feel like my shopping was a bad, profligate, self-indulgent habit I did because I felt bad about myself. It isn't. It's an expression of my joy in myself. It's something I enjoy. And DH doesn't have to understand it or condone it or permit it.

Other people have pointed out excellent strategies for logistics, such as a monthly budget (something I am adopting myself).

But there are also very real emotions behind his reaction and yours and it is probably helpful to examine those to make peace with whatever solution you make. My husband was terrified I was spending our retirement. This stems from his own fears about money, and when I pointed out that to me he was hoarding, while to him I was spendthrift, we were able to come to a common ground.

I don't know what your relationship to your husband is, but if this is something that makes you happy, then fight for it. Because you deserve happiness and you deserve to have happiness *as defined by you,* not by him or by anyone else. And so does he! With luck you can come to a place of mutual respect.

You know, I do think that a separate "hobby budget" for your clothes shopping might be a good solution. Maybe a separate account with a debit (not credit) card linked to it, although the amount in the account would have to be fairly large to allow for turnover of orders/returns.

I used to feel hurt when my DH would buy something that I considered "frivolous" items, because the purchases came out of our common (admittedly, very small at the time) budget, and meant that we all had less money available as a result. And being a cheapskate at the time (I have loosened up considerably since then) I would feel like I could not just go out and spend an equivalent amount of money on my "fun stuff". And mind you, by frivolous purchases I mean things like books - nothing "bad", just something that could potentially have been borrowed from the library instead of purchased.

I think that your DH probably sees clothes (aside from the basic workday staples) as something that is a "pointless" purchase that takes money away from the common goal of saving or whatever it is that his budget goals are. Having been (sort of) in his shoes, I think it is easier psychologically when your partner has a separate account/pool of money for the hobby that you don't understand. We never got to that point because our budget got bigger as we got out of graduate school, and I just loosened up. But since your budget and his mindset may not change much at this point, maybe separate account is the way to go. I would not want to feel like I need to be accountable to my DH on every little purchase, nor would I want to control him, but I think being in a similar situation, I would feel more secure knowing that his spending is "contained" within a separate compartment that I do not need to think about.

Of course, now may not be a good time to bring up a separate clothing budget, but it might be something to consider in the future. I so know where your DH is coming from, it is not even funny! Fortunately, I learned to "control my urge to control money" a long time ago.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to post their messages of support. You are all very kind, wise and insightful! I am going to keep reading your responses over and over--a lot of wisdom to digest!

There are a lot of issues at play and I don't fault DH for his reaction to me buying stuff after I said I was done. You are right, I probably shouldn't have promised to stop buying clothes completely--the thought of total SYC feels scary to me even though I have such a fab closet already. Before YLF I hadn't bought any new clothes in 5-10 years and then I went crazy and spent several thousand dollars and turned over at least 80-90% of my wardrobe in the last 9 months. He asked me to please please stop buying more clothes and I felt bad and said OK. But I feel like like he thinks I should be done buying clothes for another 5-10 years at least, and I just don't know if I can do that!

He was supportive of me redoing my wardrobe and had been pushing me for years to do it, but he was just not prepared for the overwhelming way I went about doing it. We can afford it so it isn't really about the amount of money--yes, he thinks the amount I spent is insane, but he has spent about the same or more on camera and underwater dive photography/video equipment which is his hobby. And what I spent probably would be the normal equivalent of if I had been buying things all along, it just got compressed into a very short amount of time. The rapid pace of spending, and my spending time here and taking pictures of myself and posting is what makes him think I am vain and obsessed and addicted to clothes. Am I? I don't know, maybe he's right. It's my only hobby now--we used to dive and kayak a lot pre-kids but now we don't have a way to do that very often anymore. And then after the kids were born I spent a lot of time researching baby gear and buying clothes for them. Now it's my turn to do something just for myself that I like and that keeps me creative and helps my professional image. So I guess it is a strange obsession, but it makes me happy and means a lot to me.

It is totally my fault for being secretive and hiding purchases from him. And when I first started, I opened a Nordstrom card in my own name without telling him initially (I eventually told him a few months later and I placed it on Mint so he can view all purchases). It was wrong and I admit it. And I'd be pissed if he was spending money secretly and hiding purchases from me. But the amount of things I bought was WAY more than what I kept, because I had to try multiple styles and sizes to figure out what worked for me. I probably kept only 10-20% of what I bought. If I asked him for approval about each purchase I made, I knew what his answer would be. I didn't think he'd understand my "creative wardrobe math", he'd just see the total purchases and not factor in the returns. So I did what I felt I had to in order to achieve my goals. But it doesn't make it right. And I feel really bad that I wasn't completely honest with him and it's understandable that he said he can't trust me.

I haven't had another talk about clothes with DH yet since he got upset a couple days ago about my SYC slip-up. I did send him an email proposing what I plan to do to make things up to him but we haven't had a chance to talk. I am going to try to SMC for 3 months, and proposed that after that we discuss a monthly clothing budget for myself. I hope he will be OK with that (I buy clothes for the kids but he buys his own clothes).

Ugh, this is really hard for me and painful posting all this and I feel so bad about myself that I have been so sneaky and dishonest, but I have to admit I had a problem and all I can do is try to be a better person and wife in the future. It's good to know I am not the only one who has gone through this before and survived with relationship intact (thanks for the BTDT, Marley, IK, & Andrea)! Again, I really appreciate each and every one of your hugs and words of support and advice. Thank you so much!!!

I'm sending you big hugs for your honest and brave response.

It's natural that you would feel bad for being sneaky about your purchases and breaking a promise to your husband who of course you love dearly. Fessing up to your mistake and having a plan for a wardrobe assessment break are positive actions.

I joined YLF in late 2009 and 2010 was probably the year that my wardrobe increased the most. So it's common to have the spike in shopping after learning all the great info that this site and forum provide. I did have a talk with my hubby and we agreed on a monthly clothing budget and an emergency monthly splurge budget. (The monthly clothing budget could be saved up but the monthly emergency splurge budget could not.)

Do you share YLF stories with your husband? My hubby understands that fashion is a creative outlet for me and makes me feel good about myself. When I share my outfit/shopping successes and failures, he sees how this all matters to me. He is also amazed by the diverse group that makes up this forum. My hubby doesn't get excited about style and fashion, but he does appreciate "being in the know" about a part of my life that I find important. Plus he watches "Project Runway" and the newly added "Fashion Star" with me and is gaining an appreciation for the business side of fashion.

Hang in there and keep the communication lines open. You both will work this out together.

Thanks AJ! I do watch Project Runway (it's actually the only TV show I watch) and DH sometimes watches it with me even though he thinks it's silly, it makes him laugh. I'll have to check out Fashion Star, thanks for the rec. I do ask him to take pics of me sometimes for my WIW posts but I try to do it sparingly because the more I talk to him about clothes and fashion, the more he thinks I'm obsessed! Too bad there isn't some sort of YLF sports/fashion meetup where the women can go shop and the husbands can hang out together and watch football or basketball!

Do you have a friend who could take the pics for you during the day, rather than him?
I think it would make YOU feel much better and more relaxed. Also some members I know use their own cameras on tripods... could this be an option for you?

You just came out of being a full-time full-occupancy mother (pregnancies, lactations etc.), my Gosh, what you went through with clothes is normal! I think many women itch and crave for a bit of their lives back, a bit of their bodies back, after maternity. When my son was 3, I became crazy with clothes. It's almost part of the process.

Krish, I mostly take my own pics in the mirror. I probably should look into finding a better spot for pictures with the self-timer or getting a tripod, but it's adding an extra layer of complexity and usually I'm rushing trying to get ready in the morning and barely have time to snap a mirror pic. I like having some "nicer" pics with the SLR so I sometimes ask DH to take them when we're out on the weekends.

It's good to know it's normal to become re-interested in fashion after getting your body back. The funny thing is, now I'm not 100% sure we are done. Still debating! It would make it really difficult to embrace my closet and SYC if I couldn't wear all the fab things in it though, LOL! Argh!!!

By the way Krish, I forgot to tell you thanks for your long and wise response above! Lots of great insights! Really everyone had great things to say!

Ah, Natalie, I totally sympathize with you! I know I don't tell my DH about every single purchase until I know whether it is going back or not... as you said, you know the answer if you ask permission every single time. One of the worst things Hubs has said to me was that he was afraid I was turning into a "normal woman" - in his mind, that is someone who spends herself into debt. It's an understandable fear, since he met me in jeans and sneakers and I now have to dress up. It makes me want to spare him a lot of the shopping process. However, transparancy is good to keep the trust alive - especially transparency re: returns.

One of the things I felt very strongly about going into my marriage was that we do not comingle our funds. I had little freedom until I became an adult, so autonomy in my clothing hobby is very important to me... but we do not have children and we do not plan to. I hope your DH agrees to the budget, because this seems like a similar idea that will give you autonomy while still working within the family goals. You need your hobby, and you need to be able to do some things your way.

I hope you and the DH get to talk soon, so that you can make up and stop feeling bad... I will SMC with you for the 3 months and beyond, so stay strong! I was jonesing hard last night but passed up a J. Crew sale and $30 narrow-calf boots. It can be done! xoxo

natalie, you are so brave for posting here about your situation. your situation is very layered and complex. i can see why initially hiding your nordstrom's card would seem like a betrayal, almost like an addiction. but you come clean and i have no doubt that you and your husband will get through this. as you've already realized and started to do, negotiation and possible renegotiation will happen as you and he find a new equilibrium.

many many hugs....

Hi Natalie -- nothing more to add, but just wanted to add that it is good you are communicating with your DH about such things. Finances, budgets, expectations -- all can be relationship-breakers, so bravo that you are dealing with it head on.

And about the things guys spend money on vs. what girls do -- most guys I know seem to spend money on fewer higher-priced items -- sports gear, electronics. One pair of skis can equal several pairs of boots!

GP, you cannot know how much I empathize with you about this situation. But I'm a little taken aback by how much you keep saying you're a bad wife.

Yes, you were not truthful to your husband. That's not awesome, and you don't get a walk on it. It was bad. Don't do it again. But - do you do it often? Is it a pattern? If it isn't, then I think apologizing so abjectly is a little bit excessive.

Shopping when you said you'd stop doesn't mean you failed as a wife - jeez, it's not like you cheated on him or bought heroin or sold the baby! Think of it like this - If he promised not to look at scuba gear, then bought something he really wanted, would YOU demand to see all his credit card bills and call HIM selfish and self-obsessed? Would you consider HIM a "bad husband" who had to "be better"? If not, well, there's something happening here that's not your shopping...or any of my business, really, so I'll shut up about that now. Except the part where you're NOT a bad wife!

Back to the shopping. OK, you shopped when you said you wouldn't. That's not terrific, but doesn't make you vain or self-obsessed or selfish or any of those other words you're calling yourself. Those are hurtful words that taint your entire person from the result of *one action.*

Your failure really only means one thing. It means, **you underestimated just how much this hobby means to you.** It is something you really enjoy, and you want to have it in your life right now. You know he doesn't like it, and you want him to be happy, but you really miss it when it's not there. Will you want it always? Who knows! No one can see the future! Maybe you'll get bored and stop. From what you describe, you've always done things intensely, and this is no different.

So, I suggest being totally candid about your feeling about your wardrobe with DH. Let him know that you promised without really understanding what it would mean to you. That by reacting this way, he is taking away something that means a lot to you. And the "it means a lot to me" part is what he needs to focus on. Not whether it means a lot to him. But that it means something TO YOU.

Good luck, GP. I am rooting for what makes you happiest. I am sure DH, deep down, is too.

Natalie, it is OK to have another baby after being in YLF. It has happened before!

Natalie, Along with shopping, you mentioned that DH is also troubled by you spending time on YLF and his perception that you are 'turning into your mother'. Since you are financially comfortable and prudent and he has no problems spending money on scuba gear, I wonder it is the other two reasons that are bothering him more than the spending but spending is something that is easy for him to hold yourself accountable for.

It would be useful for both of you to know the precise reason of his discomfort. I think that is something that will reveal itself as you converse and discuss this issue more. It is hard work but worth spending time on. Good luck!

It is really interesting to read what everyone says, I especially have enjoyed bj1111 and ironkurtin and krishnidoux's thoughts.

I am another one who deeply relates to your situation although the dynamic is between my mother and me, not my S.O.

Natalie, we are here to support you on your SYC, if that is what you feel is best to do for a while! It might actually be fun, to find new combinations.

Natalie, I missed this discussion but I do send hugs and sympathy. I sometimes go through the same thing with my husband. However, we keep our finances completely separate and always have, except for shared expenses and investments - so his complaints are purely that he thinks it's frivolous to have more a couple of pairs of boots.

I did happen to see this post on Already Pretty and was planning to read more about it when I have time, because some of it really resonated with me in terms of my relationship to shopping:

http://www.alreadypretty.com/2.....-life.html

My biggest concern in what you've said is that shopping has taken the place of other hobbies you used to do together. Of course, that's a function of having small kids. But kayaking or skiing or whatever you do as a family is no doubt important to your husband and I don't know if you've addressed any ways you can manage to reassure him that you will do those thngs once again someday. Just a thought?

*Big hugs* So much great advice and support here already. (sorry I'm so late to the post!) All I can say is I empathize with you, and I think you're taking the right course of action! The health of your marriage is important. My SO gets VERY upset when I spend money on clothes (my closet is already full) and doesn't understand my need for variety or something new. I'm trying VERY hard to avoid temptations and try re-mixing and doing the SYC thing. I suppose the effort and concern for our partners' feelings on this will make a difference eventually...? Marriage/long-term relationship = compromise. Ain't that the truth! Good luck, Natalie. And I concur that your wardrobe is SO fab and spicy already - slowing down the purchases won't hurt TOO much, I'm willing to bet!

GP - I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with this, and most of all - I don't like the idea that you're feeling bad. Not good!

I haven't read all of the replies here in their entirety, but I did notice the idea expressed earlier that lots of husbands have their own hobbies and that these can also be rather expensive. My husband wouldn't dream of spending money on clothes or shoes, but if it's the latest camera or newest tech-gadget, it's as good as in my home as soon as it hits the market. I am not sure who mentioned this earlier in the thread, but the idea that someone who is way into tech stuff doesn't buy as *as often* rings a bell.

I shop for clothes more often than he does for gadgets/electronics, but I am willing to bet that my husband spends way more on gadgets/computers/cameras/software than I could ever spend on clothing. I might spend a few hundred dollars here and there. My husband? In the thousands. When he shops, he *really* shops.

But the thing is - it makes him so happy. He's off in la la land for hours, days, weeks and months with the latest and greatest thing. At the same time, he simply does not care about some new pair of shoes, but he can also see that I'm happy and having fun with it all.

Meanwhile, the only thing I can suggest regarding your situation is that going from shopping regularly to not shopping *at all* might have been a bit tough to take on all at once. Like going from 60mph to zero or something. I think it might have been better for you to be able to say, "Well, I'll try..." or "I'll work on that" or "I'll give it my best shot" instead of feeling like you had to do it all perfectly right off the bat. Does this make sense?

To me, it actually seems perfectly normal and human to start off on some grand goal/ideal and mess it up a tiny bit in the first few days or weeks. Setting the bar too high makes it seem like you've 'failed' even before you've had a chance to get a new routine going.

I might swear to stop snacking in the evenings. Maybe I've been snacking every single night for months on end. If two or three nights after vowing to never snack again, I end up having a few handfuls of pistachios, does this somehow mean I've done something terribly wrong? No. It's just part of the process...it's normal to have a few fits and starts - don't you think?

Hang in there - I'm sure you'll get this all sorted out. It may not be perfect, but that's ok.

goldenpig - i'm so sorry for you and my empathy for your situation is huge. all the answers here are so wise and put the situation in perspective in a thoughtful and embrasing way. i am sure you and your marriage will grow and make important steps to more self understanding and more respect for both parties.

as for me, i recogninze many of the issues mentioned and this thread has made me reflect on my relation to clothes and shopping. thank you goldenpig for being so bold and honest by sharing your story. thanks to all the replyer for giving me food for thought and deeper understaning about women / clothing / shopping / life situation / marrige relationships. i feel humble and grateful for having found this forum.

all my best wishes