related to Angie's post this morning: on being seen as "hot" or "sexy" - YouLookFab Forum

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related to Angie's post this morning: on being seen as "hot" or "sexy"

Diana

Veteran

Angie's post this morning about the definition of hotness was very timely for me, as I just recently had a long conversation with my boyfriend about how I don't like it when he calls me or my outfit "hot" or "sexy." Basically, to me, this says "I want to have sex with you" and is OK to me only in a very private situation (think lingerie, bedroom, etc, definitely not in public about my street clothes). It's also really objectifying. I would much rather be seen as "beautiful" or "pretty" or "cute" or other such adjectives, although you could argue that this is also objectifying to some extent. I said on Angie's blog post that I think I dress more for other women (from a heterosexual viewpoint) than to impress men. In fact, it rather turns me off when I get an obviously sexually charged comment from a man about my clothes... I guess I just think that I can't stop men from thinking these things about me, but they should keep it to themselves!

BF's stance is that he means it as a compliment, but I think I managed to convince him that I'm not comfortable with this particular so-called compliment. He doesn't quite get it though but respects me enough to respect my wishes.

I'm curious as to how others connote the terms "hot" or "sexy" and whether you all see it in as negative a light as I do...

General

31 replies

Latest reply was from Scarlet

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I am on the same wavelength regarding sexy comments. In my line of work, many of my coworkers try and make more money with flirting or playing up the sex appeal. I prefer to make good tips through doing a good, efficient job, and being polite and attentive. I will admit it doesn't hurt to look good behind the bar, but I find overt sexiness a cop out honestly - like you can't rely on your talents enough so it's easier to play the sexy card. There are times where a patron will comment on my rear view, for instance. There's not a lot I can do about it but smile and disregard it or downplay it as best I can. It kind of goes with the territory but I don't like it. :/

cloud9

Veteran

this reminds me of Mr. Terminator, didn't he get in some hot water after he described a state senator as "being hot" while in office as California governor?

The term "hot" definitely have some sexual connotation, but for the most part, men use it as a compliment. So while feeling a little uncomfortable, I don't feel offended. Usually I can tell the creepy comment from a genuine compliment.

Totally with you Mo, I don't play the sexy card. I dress fairly conservatively at work, no hint of cleavage, the shortest skirt/dress I wore is probably about 1 inch above knee. I let my smile & ability be the focal point. I want to be sophisticated cute/pretty, not 'sexy' at work.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Diana, I can see where you are coming from, and I'm glad you are able to articulate your discomfort with the phrase "you look hot" to your boyfriend. It's also good that he respects your wishes to refrain from saying it, although I have no doubt he means it as a compliment.

For me personally, the phrase is not negatively charged or loaded with sexual innuendo. I'm as happy to hear "you look hot" as I am "you look pretty," or "cute," or "stylish." But we cannot help our feelings, and since you've explained how you feel to your boyfriend, and he has agreed to respect you, your problem is solved.

Diana

Veteran

@Mo: Your comment about sexiness being perceived by some as an asset at work is really interesting to me because I work in an almost completely opposite environment from yours (an academic lab) where being seen as sexy, especially for a woman, is a Really Bad Thing. I sometimes wonder if being in academia for a long time has colored my judgment on such things so that I'm hypersensitive to "sexy" comments.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Diana, unfortunately it works. That's why people continue to do it. My BF works as a waiter on the floor while I am bartending quite often. (we move back and forth from FL to CA so this is what our CA gig is, we are in FL now so not working there - I know, confusing) Anyway, it never fails that no matter his sales for the shift, the girls will make a bigger percentage tip wise. I know logically no one gives their server a tip thinking they are going to go out on a date with them (at least 99% don't!) but yet human nature prevails and the cute young girls make more money than my 50 year old BF doing the same exact work at the same level of proficiency. I love him but no one would describe him as sexy lol

KristineK

Diana, I hear you -- I'm in a similar boat. I work as a software engineer and in this industry, showing up at work looking "hot" or "sexy" is a Very, Very Bad Thing, at least if you have any hope of being taken seriously by your peers.

Regarding the connotations of the words "hot" and "sexy," for me it depends a lot on who's saying them If it's one of my sisters, a girlfriend or a gay man, then I definitely regard it as a compliment, because I tend to construe it as meaning "great" or "really flattering." Not so much if it's a straight guy though

crwilson

Veteran

For me, it's all about the context. If I'm going to work, I don't want to look hot or sexy (another academic here). If I'm going out on a date with my husband, though, I wouldn't be upset if he thought I looked "hot," or "sexy" for that matter.

Marley

Veteran

I take "hot" or "sexy" as compliments from people that I know. If it comes from someone that I don't know however, I feel like its disrespectful. BTW - I LOVE it when my husband tells me I'm "hot" or "sexy" - he doesn't use those words to describe anyone else but me - and being a man, he thinks that "hot" and "sexy" are the ultimate compliment that a man could give a woman! I just roll with it and enjoy!

Girl X

(website)

Veteran

When my guy says that I'm sexy or hot, he is, in a way, saying, 'I want to have sex with you.' But he's my guy so I'm happy for him to want that. I like that I don't need to be strutting about in lingerie for him to find me desirable. He finds me sexy when I'm dressed for the grocery store, he finds me sexy in my shlumpy lounge clothes. In the end, he probably doesn't give a damn what I'm wearing, he just finds me sexy, and I like that.

I'm comfortable with people I know referring to me as being/looking hot or sexy, because they're able to be appropriate about it. They're not staring or acting weird, and they reserve the comment for when I'm really decked out, not just wearing any old thing. I think when someone's comment about my looks (being sexy or hot or otherwise) makes me feel uncomfortable, it's because they're being inappropriate, and whether they said anything or not, I'd probably feel uncomfortable around them anyway.

MsMary

Veteran

I'm with Marley, word for word!

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

Marley said it beautifully! Also Girl X! My guy, in fact, doesn't even like me in sexy lingerie. He thinks I look "hot" in jeans and a t-shirt. That makes me feel good.
-------------------

I wonder if anyone else sees these words like I do:

Hot = you look attractive. Males and females alike use this as a compliment.

Pretty = look attractive especially in the face.

Beautiful = same as pretty but a higher level of compliment. Movie stars are beautiful.

Hot is a lower level compliment from beautiful. Just my interpretation of the modern usage of "hotness."

Steph

Veteran

Maybe this makes me incredibly shallow, but am I the only person who doesn't mind when a random stranger comments positively on my appearance? I have to admit that when I am walking down a city street and some guy says something like "looking good" or even (gasp!) gives a whistle, I might just keep walking and ignore it, but inside, I really don't mind. It's kind of nice to think that I might look good enough to elicit a little bit of attention. Obviously, I never want someone creepy leering at me, but that sort of thing seems harmless enough and it makes me feel "hot" or "sexy," which is fine with me.

Arya

(website)

Hmmmm...this is great food for thought. I may be an outlier, here's why:

I feel a distinct difference between what American media says is "sexy" and what I believe is sexy. The media's version of female sexiness is a distorted, predictable, disempowered, "I must come on to people in order for them to like me or for me to get what I want" version. It is a sexiness for consumption, a kind of provocation that strikes me as unauthentic.

To me what makes a person (male or female) sexy is confidence, being comfortable in their own skin, being truly embodied, maturity, and various physical attributes that appeal to me personally. Sexiness is more about magnetism than it is about provocative dress or behavior. Think of Lauren Bacall or Sophia Loren. They have magnetism, no matter how they dressed they were (and are still) sexy.

Working under that definition of sexy, I find that I often consider whether or not an outfit makes me feel sexy or not. This isn't the same as trying to look sexy (which, for me, usually involves wearing something tighter or shorter, higher heels, etc.). I feel sexier when I'm dressed in a way that feels really authentic. I know that I *look* sexy (in a predictable way) in certain specific outfits.

So, I don't at all mind being called "sexy". Of course, it depends a great deal on who is offering the observation. A strange man yelling something on the street could be frightening, whereas friends might say it as a compliment.

Arya

(website)

P.s. Steph - Nope, you aren't the only one!

Marley

Veteran

Steph - no you're not the only one. One of the very best compliments that I've ever received was several years ago after being home-bound for several months from a serious injury I finally got dressed, put on some make-up and drove the car down the street to get a cup of coffee and on my way home I stopped at a Quik-Shop to get some gas. Well, the guy behind the counter said to me "you are a beautiful woman." - well, that made my day, my month, my year - I still remember it now - about 10 years later! Another time, I was walking out of the grocery store in the parking lot to my car and a car went by with 2 young guys in it and they whistled at me - I LOVED it! Sometimes a girl's just gotta take the compliments from wherever she can get them!

Arya

(website)

Last night my husband and I talked about this. Being the straightforward man that he is, he simply observed, "To most men, 'hot' and 'sexy' are the best compliment they can think of, because it really just means 'great'." Oh, the apparent simplicity of the male.

Carole

Veteran

I have never liked the term "hot". I think it sounds sexist and disrespectful. I'm not a prude, but I think it has something to do with my coming of age in the feminist era or maybe I'm just showing my age.

Elly

Veteran

I don't have a problem with being "hot" I would like to think that because I do not dress provocatively (lots of cleavage, short shorts, ect) that comments about me being "hot" have more to do with being physically attractive and exuding a confident energy as a woman that can read as sexy. It means I am doing something right! I also cannot being to complain about non-threatening forms of objectification because I will be the first to admit that I objectify other people --- I think a lot of women do-- I mean, essentially I am objectifying men every time I notice what a "nice butt" the guy at my gym has-- not that I would tell him that, but if we were friends or acquaintances I might! I have a big mouth and just because I say it doesn't mean anything more than that. Even when random men tell me that I am hot or that I have a "hot" body part I generally take it as a compliment that they appreciate something about me and are trying to express it. That changes when it is done in a completely inappropriate situation (like at work) or done in a bit of a threatening way or is taken to the next level. Most men don't mean any harm buy it in my experience.

This is a little different, but my personal favorite experiences are when older men pay me compliments about my appearance. I have seen pictures of my grandmothers and other family members back in these mens' youths and the women are very classically beautiful and put together--- if I look like that, I'm doing great! LOL

catgirl

Veteran

I agree, Steph! Although it depends on how it is said. I had a guy come up to me in the parking lot of the grocery store and say, "I know this sounds crazy, but is there any chance you're single? Because I saw you in line back there, and you are gorgeous and look so interesting, and I'd love to take you out." It was so sincere and sweet, especially because I was not looking or feeling fab in any way. Of course I told him I'm married, but I added "I want you to know that you made my day." He smiled and said, "I'd regret it forever if I hadn't asked." WAAAAH!

I don't mind anyone telling me I'm looking hot as long as it's not said in an icky way. Maybe because it hardly ever happens.

The word "sexy" is so loaded. Coming from my husband, it's fine. From others, it can make me feel sleazy.

catgirl

Veteran

Oh, just read CL's post. All my girlfriends would not hesitate to call each other hot. None would use sexy, though. So I think your definitions are right on for me.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

LOL Steph, no, you're not alone. Especially since I passed age 40.

My husband tells me I look "hot" and I'm fine with it. In fact, he tells me he's still going to think I'm hot when we're in our 80s!

"Sexy" is one of those words that people interpret differently. I'm pretty sure that numerous times on WNTW they've told their subjects that "sexy" doesn't have to mean "sexual" and I think that's true. I've seen many women dressed totally appropriately for a corporate office (or whatever the occasion) who look sexy because they are wearing an outfit that covers them appropriately but a) fits properly b) flatters their figure, and c) conveys a sense of personality.

Scarlet

Veteran

Not exactly answering the question here, but it is a little amusing from the perspective of being married to someone for whom English is a second tongue. Thank goodness my aunt convinced him to stop using "handsome" as a compliment to me because I couldn't do it. In terms of compliments from strangers, I agree with the others, that as long as it is not a work situation or a threatening situation, I find it very flattering. I have a few and far between treasured memories. I enjoyed reading the stories from other people here.

Okay, so to answer the question, I can see it both ways. I would take hot or sexy as a compliment from my man, but I can also see what you say that you would prefer to hear beautiful, cute, or pretty. It means different things. Personally I want to be both things to my SO.

Gaylene

Veteran

Interesting to see how the words "hot" and "sexy" have such different meanings.

But, is it just my age that makes me feel upset to hear girls as young as 8 years old referring to themselves and their friends as "hot" or "sexy"? Overhearing two pre-teen girls in the mall last week dressed in skimpy, form-fitting clothes discussing if a tank top made them look "hot" made my skin crawl.

Maybe they were just asking each other if the top was attractive? Having raised only sons, not daughters, I'm probably out of my depth here. But I do have some insight into how young men view young women after hearing my sons talk about the girls they dated. When they called a girl "hot" or "sexy", it seemed quite clear what they meant by those words.

Aziraphale

Veteran

They do? I've always though "hot" and "sexy" are more or less synonymous.

But yes, it would be disturbing to hear an 8-year-old refer to herself (or anyone else) as hot. I think most people would agree that eight is far too young to begin the sexual part of your life.

Diana

Veteran

Such interesting responses to my post! I'm really enjoying reading everyone's take on this.

Steph, I *love* it when a random woman or a gay man compliments me on my outfit/looks, but I am skeeved out when a man who seems to be hitting on me does it. I'm aware that this might seem a little hypocritical... but you have to realize that I am the type of person who sometimes wears my rings on my left ring finger so that I won't get propositioned by random guys in the street.

Arya, your comment about male simplicity is so true and so funny! This is almost exactly what BF said to me when I told him I was uncomfortable with him calling me "sexy."

Gaylene, no you are not the only one who is creeped out by little girls trying to be sexy! I totally agree with you, and I am 31 and have no children. I do think that most of them have no idea what the term really means - at least I hope so.

Barbara

Veteran

For those of you creeped out by mothers who encourage their little girls to look 'hot' by dressing provacatively, and are generally shocked by the 'sexification' of America, I highly recommend Arial Levy's book, "Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture".

It will shock and inform you. If you have a daughter, it's a must-read!

Maya

Veteran

If the way I look conveys confidence and personality, I'd rather be told "you look confident and full of personality" or something to that effect. I don't understand why people use the word "sexy" as a substitute for other, much more accurate phrases and words. If sexy doesn't mean sexual, why does it have the word SEX in it? If you don't mean sexual, what do you mean, and why not just say that instead? It's so confusing to me, especially since everyone obviously has such different ideas and interpretations. To me, saying "you have beautiful lips" is a COMPLETELY different statement from "you have SEXY lips."

Sexy and confident have nothing to do with each other in my world. You can be confident and be about as sexy as a garbanzo bean, and there are surely a lot of very sexy and unconfident/insecure people out there.

Personally, out of all of the available choices, the one I seem to like most is "cute." I take a good deal of flack for this since I'm a grown woman and I'm supposed to feel empowered by my sexuality and feel insulted and/or infantilized by the word "cute," but I don't feel that way. To me cute is a kind of charm or a more delicate kind of beauty that is what I strive for. Words like "hot" and "sexy" are just vague and skeazy-sounding.

"Hot" just sounds dumb to me. I don't think I have used that word in a non-joking way since I was a teenager, and even then I don't think I entirely understood what it meant. I still don't.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I think the problem arises with the many, many meanings of the word "hot" and "sexy", as Rae and Mac mentioned on my blog post comment. In American-English, the adjectives hold more casual meanings than they do in English-English.

Personally, I am not flattered when someone calls my look hot or sexy as they are words I do not use. I don't use them because I find them sexually charged and out of context. These are not words Greg ever uses either - for anything! I guess we are just wired in a different way. And use different words. It's a personal thing

Diana, I'm glad you spoke up and told BF how you feel!

Arya

(website)

Oooo, Barbara, I second your book recommendation! It was interesting and upsetting in just the right ways.

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