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Puzzle...being prepared vs. shopping too far ahead.

Peri

Veteran

How do you all manage this puzzle? I'm talking about those not so common occasions that do tend to pop up anyway...times when we need to dress outside our own norm. I'm struggling mightily! I'm hoping those of you who have done "hugging my closet" posts have some insight that could help me. And maybe some others...please tell me I'm not the only one! Maybe it's that my norm is so narrow?

Examples:

1) I thought I needed an all purpose dress. A "funeral" dress that could be solemn if needed but dressed up a bit for other uses. I found what I thought was a perfect black sheath. Dumb me...I bought it fitted at the height of ill health at the extreme low end of my normal weight. Got two uses out of it before I felt better enough that I gained just enough that the fit is no longer flattering or comfortable. Approximate cost per wear...$50.( "Duh" lesson: buy occasional use clothing that will work with a weight range.)

2) I thought I needed a more casual summer dress just to be ready if an occasion arose. I don't wear dresses normally but thought it would be nice to be prepared. I bought a very cheap but cute black lace shift and the striped VC tube skirt. The occasion never arose. Cost per wear...whatever I paid for them cause they haven't been worn.

3) I wanted a new dress for a ball. I looked for a month but by the time I found one I liked there wasn't time before the ball to get it hemmed. Surely it isn't smart to be prepared ahead of time for a ball...have a ball gown hanging in my closet just in case? And risk it won't fit or I won't like it by the time the occasion does come??! And yet the ball did happen...I wore something old and was fine, but the beautiful new ball gown would have been a lot of fun.

I could think of a lot of other examples. I think part of my problem is my everyday life is so uniform-ish and times when my uniform won't work are so rare. I think most people with the first two examples would have gotten a decent amount of use out of those clothes.

So...continue to buy "just in case" things that end up not worn enough, or wait for the occasion to pop up and either shop madly or just go with less than great? Thoughts?

General

31 replies

Latest reply was from unfrumped

MsMaven

Veteran

I'm in the same boat. I've bought way too many clothes at the end of the summer when I am usually at my lowest weight. I've also bought clothes in a panic because I've gained weight and need something to wear to an event. I've bought items for an event too far in advance and later found out the dress code was different than I anticipated.

I guess there is an advantage to wearing loose, flowing or wrapping clothing. It just isn't my style or practical.

I'm not sure what the answer is, because it is hard for me to find certain items that fit: dressy clothes and shoes, swimsuits, and even dresses. I look forward to reading other replies to find a solution.

Anonymous

I get this. I can think of a couple of recent events that I needed/wanted a dress for (my brother's wedding, a graduation ceremony) and had nothing in my closet that fit/looked fresh enough/was colour or season-appropriate. I launched a full-out shopping assault for both occasions, and ended up frustrated, sad, feeling really down about myself and how I looked in whatever I tried on, and ended up buying something both times that was really less than par. I never wore either dress again. But how do you predict these things? It's interesting to note that both of these events happened in summer, and well after the summer dresses had been in stores. In fact, it was already the start of sales season. So the selection was miserable. Now I knew about both of these things happening well before I shopped for them, but had no idea what I wanted or what would be appropriate until much later. Should one invest money in something to have on hand for special occasions? It means takign the time to try things on when you don't really need or want them though, which would be hard to get motivated to do......

Blech - what a horrible memory that was

unfrumped

Veteran

I could have written this post! So may watch for answers.
I have an " occasionally imaginary- realized " lifestyle. And a more dressy- glam shadow style, maybe, in the sense of wanting to have fun wearing something " perfect" for an occasion. And a little bit of phobia that my carefully collected, hemmed and accessorized ensemble will be outdated by the time I wear it. Or need new footwear I can't find in time.
Funerals I don't worry about because to me they don't call for dressy trendy items, and pants are fine, and don't have to be solid black.
So, well- fitting classic basics are a goal-- For me there are a couple of skirt, pant and dress styles that seem to be " me" over a longer time and/ or are easier to add to. Also may have had to accept I'll usually go semi- formal when allowed-- it's hard to have the ball gown on the hook BUT I'll occasionally look through dept. store sales for a miracle bargain dress. I posted my disappointment in a recent formal black skirt tryout because I had hoped it might have been in my HEWI formal separates capsule.
Finally, the weather and venue can be challenging -August outdoor weddings
are hard-- since I'm not good at summer frock/ sandal outfits.

always trying

Veteran

even though I have stable weight (too much but I am the worlds worst doeter0 I have almost never been successful when buying something for that unexpected occasion. One thing comes to mind about 3 years ago I was desperately trying to find dressy sandals for a formal event. Only had 3 days to find something and it was during a heat wave. Anyhow after trying on so many pairs I was ready for anything-I stopped in a Payless shoe store as it was the only place left that I had not been in. Low and behold I found a perfect pair of dressy sandals for less than $20.00. I have worn them for three other formal events and a few semi formal ones since. These will be worn until I can no longer wear heels, or they become dreadfully out of style.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Maybe having separates would make this easier? That's what I normally wear to funerals and all but the fanciest of events. I only buy a dress if I absolutely love it, and when this happens I tend to keep it for years and years and never get tired of it, even though I may only wear it once in a blue moon. I guess it helps that my weight doesn't fluctuate much, but I also don't wear skin-tight dresses.

Maybe the issue here is how quickly we get tired of things. I suppose my taste changes only very slowly. If I love something now, I'll likely love it in ten years, too.

Gaylene

Veteran

Well, if anyone comes up with a fool-proof solution to this dilemma, she can make a fortune dispensing her wisdom to the rest of us.

After finding myself in this situation once too many times, I've finally decided to tell myself that "good enough" is usually just fine. I think we buy into the idea that looking spectacular requires just the right dress or pair of shoes., when, in reality, cobbling together something that more or less fits the event and the dress code is just fine. At least I'm attempting to convince myself of the truth of that statement.

I'm now trying to limit my "just-in-case" buy-aheads to items that really make me go wow when I see myself in the mirror--without the need for special underwear, or just the right shoe, or being at my lowest weight. I figure if a dress or top is that spectacular on me when my hair is a mess, I'm carrying a couple of extra pounds, and I'm wearing ratty sneakers, it will regularly come out of the closet whenever I need to clean up. I've actually found a black stretchy cotton lace dress, a pair of 8-hour black pumps with a bit of metallic gleam, a floaty asymmetrical top that works with everything from shorts to a pencil skirt, and a pair of slouchy, tapered silk pants. With the exception of the pumps, every one of those items makes my heart sing and could be worn on the beach as well as the ballroom--as well as look presentable after spending a week balled up in a suitcase.

Sharon

Veteran

I agree with those suggesting choosing something classic that you absolutely love or choosing separates. Perhaps pieces that will mix and match with items that DO fit within your norm. It is interesting that all of the examples you gave involved dresses, which you say you don't usually wear. Maybe the problem is that you are trying to force yourself into wearing clothes that just aren't "you"?

Just after my surgery, I had a dressy event to go to and nothing that fitted, so frantically went shopping, finally buying a dress that I really don't feel fab in at all. It is still hanging in my closet, having been worn only twice. Lesson learned. I took my time and eventually created an event capsule, and I love knowing that if something comes up, I don't have to run around like a headless chook trying to find something appropriate to wear.

I now have two semi-formal outfits ready to go - a cocktail dress, which I adore, for the warmer weather and a dressy, shiny, full midi skirt that can be worn with most of my black tops for winter occasions. Both will tolerate a few kilos up or down on the scales and I love both of them enough that I look forward to occasions to wear them.

But they are things that I feel comfortable and glamorous wearing, and silhouettes that I wear in less dressy fabrications in my day-to-day life. Maybe that could be a starting point for you?

Gigi

Veteran

I find that separates really help me for the odd occasion that comes up, although I will admit that I don't have a nice fancy dress for a ball or a formal dance and need to find one (I take ballroom dance too). For a funeral, I would probably wear a black tube skirt or black pencil skirt with a very simple top, plus either black heels or black boots, depending on the season. For a wedding, it would be a light-colored pencil skirt with a simple top, plus heels (not sure what I would do in winter to keep my legs warm!). But skirt-plus-top is kind of my "church uniform," so I get a lot of wear out of these clothes seeing as I need to wear them every Sunday.

I have been in the same boat with fluctuating weight. I lost 15 pounds due to health issues and was at that low weight for about 4 years. I finally decided I couldn't keep wearing clothes that didn't fit. Within a year of buying an all-new wardrobe, I began gaining weight back--10 pounds. That was enough to put me into a new size in bottoms (tops were OK), so I bought a few new bottoms. Well, within 6 months, I had lost 5 pounds of what I had regained, so it was back to the old stuff, grr. So I am now afraid to buy any dresses or any bottoms. I don't gain much weight in my torso, so tops are OK. But I feel for you! I personally am waiting for my weight to stabilize before I buy any more clothes; shoes are OK. But I agree with Gaylene that for now, I just have to accept that "good enough" is good enough for these rare occasions.

unfrumped

Veteran

Sharon and Gaylene described my ideas better. There are certain style I gravitate to in non- dressy clothes. The flattering skirt style. The top neckline and sleeves I tend to duplicate. Pants, similar. So I look for these is dressy or luxe fabrications. Then, some sparky jewelry and a çlutch capsule don't take up much room and don't care about weight!
The other thing about separates is its easier to find a new top last- minute than bottoms!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Yeah, I think we should blame Cinderella for this idea we all seem to have that we have to look absolutely spectacular for "the ball" (or the funeral, or the grad ceremony, or the wedding). And, more -- that we shouldn't have to expend any effort or expense or even a lot of thought to look that way!

Sure, Cinderella fretted a bit about what she would wear, but her fairy godmother waved her wand pretty quickly. She didn't really have to learn to manage all that anxiety on her own.

I am no fairy godmother, but Angie is. I take inspiration from some of her holiday capsules, which are useful for other situations. And, as others have said, separates RULE. It took me a good three years of YLF time to build up a holiday separates capsule that really works for all potential and actual holiday occasions, but I finally have it, and I am telling you, it was a huge relief not to have to stress any more about what to wear this year. Huge.

But. That's just the winter. There are still other potential summer, spring, and fall occasions,

Sigh.

So, here's the other thing. You have to be a bit less hard on yourself. If is okay to have a few closet orphans. I have one. For example, last year I bought this really lovely but quite conservative David Meister dress. Sleeved!!! Navy (a key neutral)!!! On sale!!!! (less than half price, I think). Comfortable!!!!

I thought it would be perfect for all kinds of winter occasions. Funerals, dinners out at fancy restaurants, who knows what.

I thought the reason I wasn't wearing dresses in winter was because I didn't have suitable ones.

Wrong.

I wasn't wearing dresses in winter because I had no occasions to wear them. Ha!! Or at least no occasions to wear dresses like this. I might very possibly wear a more casual winter dress. The dresses I wear a lot in summer are all casual.

Face palm!!

I have worn this dress precisely once, for my stepson's wedding. So, CPW is pretty darned high. Sale, or no sale.

But, you know what? I don't care. I love the dress, was happy to wear it when I did, and if an occasion comes up again this winter for me to wear it, I will be prepared. And the thing is, there are times in a girl's life when nothing but a dress will do.

In short, maybe having a few seldom worn high CPW items in the closet is not such a big deal. It's true, this dress of mine may only get worn five or six times before I say to heck with it and trot it off to consignment. But at least I do feel prepared for my nonexistent winter wedding/ funeral/ corporate board meeting/ lunch with my lawyer/ cocktail party where I don't want to look sexy. And heck, maybe I will even have hubby take me out to supper so I can wear it.

I can't help you with the dress that became too small except to say it sounds as if you learned a very good lesson there. I can't help with the ballgown except to say, well...who WOULD be perfectly prepared for a ball? Not even Cinderella!! As for that VC tube skirt -- that, my dear, is a separate. Get out there and wear it!!

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MsMaven

Veteran

Great advice, Suz. I almost never wear dresses in the winter as well. They are summer wear.

I do usually have a "funeral" skirt handy. Both of my parents died in the winter months and were buried in a snowy winter place. I wore pants and when I told my sisters I was going to, they were much relieved and wore pants as well.

I've found it difficult to find good quality separates lately. I remember not so long ago when I could do that. For a fall wedding next year I'm thinking of having a long dress cut off to make a skirt and get a different top to wear with it.

I'm okay with having a dress or a couple of outfits that might go a year without a wear, but I'm not okay with having several never-worn dresses hanging around. I start out infatuated with them and then I turn against them. Argh! More money wasted.

Anonymous

I've been there, done that, and feel for ya! I think the advice to buy separates is sound.

Mia

Veteran

A common dilemma I'm sure. I like having peace of mind so I do keep some garments in the closet to have all the usual events covered despite a lifestyle that is at least 90% casual. I do not have a "black tie" outfit right now but if the right classic gown comes by on a deep discount I might go for it.

Anyway, I came to the realization that because I attend events with my husband related to his work on a sporadic basis there would be garments that I'd never get the cpw down in a serious way so I look more at average cpw across the wardrobe.

The other thing I do is really look at the events coming up or travel needs about 3/4 months out and make sure I'm covered. Buying an "event outfit" just before usually ends in disaster buy all do it.

Style Fan

Veteran

Great post. And very timely for me. This Saturday I am going to a funeral for a relative and I have nothing to wear. Nothing. I live in a remote area with very little shopping. Well Mark's Work Wearhouse. Home Depot. I retired 3 years ago and have one pair of black bootcut pants that I love. They are too big! I have toned up since retiring from all the Yoga.

I realized that at funerals in the winter people don't have to remove their coats. So my solution is to wear my black Lole tunic. Leggings. Brown knee high boots. Cognac Theory Coat. I will not take my coat off. No matter what. I did the same at a funeral in the Spring but with my Burberry Trench Coat. It did sort of look like I had on a mini skirt. The only comment I got was from a friend who said I was looking incredibly good and what was I doing.

I do have a capsule for special events that seems to be working. It is hard to plan ahead for these things though.

I have decided for somber events it is important that I be there and it does not matter what I wear. For festive events I want to have something special to wear and I might buy something.

gryffin

Veteran

Peri - everyone's solution is different but for me, my solution of choice is a black suit (jacket, pants, skirt hopefully, I'd kill for a matching dress) - which ps I'm on the hunt for as we speak. With a black suit you have religious and funeral totally covered. But add tux shirt, amazing shoes and minaudiere and you've got le smoking for cocktails and pinch hit for black tie. I honestly prefer to dance in a dress but le smoking always gets points for coolest girl in the room. Plus you can break up your pieces. I had to wear an old dress to a recent black tie affair, it was fine but truthfully once I get the suit settled I'm going to be hunting for something black tie. You could do separates long skirt/elegant top and I'm sure it's more versatile but I always a like dress. Peri - this is totally a personal choice but I'd rather be prepared and have it languish than be scrounging. I don't vary size much but if you do for dresses jersey, ponte anything with give would get you up and down a bit more. Not sure that helps but that is my current plan and I'm hunting for both so hugs, feel your pain on this one. But my mantra is "those who fail to plan, plan to fail" I'm with you kiddo!!

deb

Veteran

Separates here. I found that if I have dressy skirts in my closet I am able to top them off with the various tops and toppers and can pull off wedding (happy) to funeral (sad) attire.

But. I must have the correct shoes in my closet to make this work.

Peri

Veteran

Thank you for letting me know I've got company! It really is a hard thing.

I hate the emergency shopping the most...yes Lisa, I've definitely been there. And my most recent bout resulted in a black skirt that is "okay" but doesn't fit that great, so I can already see wanting to replace it.

It sounds like the consensus is that being prepared is better than not, even if it results in a few seldom worn pieces. Maybe for me that could translate in to one or two things for reasonable occasions, and being careful not to go further than that.

So I guess I will continue to try...on a limited basis...to plan ahead. Limited because I think Gaylene is right. I want to be perfectly ready, when good enough is probably good enough. I really don't think anyone else cares what I wear! Sad but true.

Suz, funny, cause I kept thinking the same thing...Cinderella had it easy and where was my fairy godmother?!

DonnaF

Veteran

My life is so casual that I've only had the occasion of DD's high school graduation to wear a sheath dress in a dressy, cocktail party type fabrication. I thought I would wear it to her college graduation in 2016, but she indicated I would probably freeze to death in the outdoor ceremony outside Chicago in early May. I run cold, so she is no doubt right. I'm not sure why I feel like graduations call for a dress (vs. separates), esp. since I find it particularly hard to fit a dress and even harder to find a sleeved one. . . .but the thought of wearing something only once or twice rather kills me. Plus, I'm not a dress person.

This thread is pushing me toward separates. . . .

The funerals and memorial services I've attended have been almost shockingly casual, and the ministerial ordinations haven't even been particularly formal affairs. I've usually been one of the more dressed up people in the room, but I guess that isn't saying a whole lot in the crowds I run with.

Gee, maybe I can get DD to elope when the time comes. The thought of finding a MOB petite dress just doesn't appeal. . . .

MovingFashionForward

For all the reasons you state, if I need to rush to find something for a particular event, I limit myself to charity shops and other very inexpensive shops, knowing that I might make a mistake in making this one of my expensive purchases. That way, I can wear the piece once, donate it back and not worry about it. Actually, I have found some amazing pieces in charity shops, that are beautiful quality.

I know what you mean about small weight changes making some dresses unwearable. I too tend to be a bit heavier in the winter vs summer, and have been cursing myself for having got rid of repeats in the larger size that would fit perfectly now. Oh well, motivation to get myself back on track!

Sarah

Sadie

For truly special/unique occasions, you might try "Rent the Runway". My daughter did this recently for a out-of-town wedding (bonus- she shipped the dress back right after the wedding and did not have to bring it home in her suitcase).

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

Separates are really a great solution here. I have a very casual lifestyle but keep at least one pair of nice pants (check the fit once in a while) and a few silk or other "fancy" tops to pair with them. I did buy a black dress for a wedding year before last and it is one that will likely work rather I gain a few pounds or lose a few as it's a flowy, meant to be belted, very soft pima knit with sleeves that feels fab to wear and doesn't require shape wear. It took me trying at least 8 or 10 other dresses (all via online shopping) before I found this one. So I spent an additional $50 probably on shipping/returns, but I ended up with something I'm glad to have in my closet "just in case." And I can change up the look with various belts, shoes and accessories.

Anonymous

I decided that buying in anticipation of an imaginary "outside my norm" event was more about my anxiety about the event than actually being well dressed. How I want to express myself with my clothing changes constantly. Buying ahead was often unsatisfying as I didn't feel like myself now wearing whatever I'd bought then. Even the event is different in real time than in imagination! And really, how many times in my life have I been truly unable to find something to wear?

I make exceptions for difficult to find or hard to fit, items for which I can make non trendy choices, like shoes. I bought a beautiful pair of surprisingly comfortable black suede high heeled wedges so that I'd have a pair of dressed up high heeled shoes and I do like seeing them waiting patiently in case they're needed!

rachylou

Veteran

Oh, this is so one of the great dilemmas, is it not?

re. the funeral dress: I do always have one ready to go, and I've had the same one for years. It's not tailored, but a silk blousey dress.

re. the summer get-together dress: My take on this, is dress up what you've got, but then I do wear dresses. I have these faux wrap, knit dresses that I wear as tunics or dresses in summer. They're very forgiving, wrap dresses.

re. the ball gown: I do have this backup fancy dress I've never worn, just in case. I've never worn it because, really, my policy for fancy dress is shop madly before the event. It's just too much irresistable fun not too... lol

How I improved myself in these areas, tho, was to limit myself to one outfit in each categories. I definitely used to put in too much to these categories, absent any pending events.

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

Oh, the eternal dilemma. I have struggled with this myself and I'm not sure it ever ends.

Isabel: "I decided that buying in anticipation of an imaginary "outside
my norm" event was more about my anxiety about the event than actually
being well dressed."

So well put and definitely true for me as well. Some of you may remember my flailing last fall about a friend's wedding held in Las Vegas. I looked and looked for something new to wear and in the end I wore a dress I'd owned for a while. I bought a new clutch for the occasion and got my hair professionally blown out and I was totally fine, and more dressed up than a lot of the guests (but not too out there).

For me there are a few categories of this:

Funeral - had to deal with this one last fall too, and I was glad I had a non-knit black blazer to take, and a comfortable but not casual pair of black flats (which I wore for three days straight so I could minimize my baggage on the plane). When this comes up on the forum it seems like for almost everyone funerals have become less formal and less rigid. As long as your entire closet isn't clubwear, you'll have something you can put together that will be fine.

Wedding - Again, something that's becoming less formal for a lot of people. The stuff I have for weddings tends to overlap with my date night / going out to a nice restaurant with friends things.

Important work-related - This is the one I keep stubbornly refreshing even though I've been self-employed for over five years and I haven't needed a suit in longer than that. Still, I've got blazers, a sheath dress, skirts, a few trousers, and heels just in case. I try to choose items that can cross over into the wedding or party categories, and dress items down and wear them on a regular day whenever I can. And I get a lot of items for this capsule secondhand or on mega-sale - I try not to spend list price because the CPW just doesn't bear out for me.

Parties - I've never owned a black-tie gown and I've never been invited to a gala. I don't expect I will anytime soon, either. I think this is dependent on your geographical area and maybe your age, or who you or your family works for? Even the holiday parties my DH's companies throw are the kind of thing that you could wear a nice blouse and skirt to, and there'll likely be someone there in jeans, like it or not.

Diana

Veteran

Oh this is a tough one. I do think it's important to be prepared for special-occasion dressing in case something arises, but it's also true you can predict everything (remember last spring when I got that last minute invitation to go to Westminster Abbey? No, I did not have a "seeing the Queen" capsule...)

Admittedly I do go to more special-dress events than most so I have a decent dress-up collection. But at a minimum, this would be my dress-up capsule:

1 suit, or black/charcoal businessy separates. This is what I wear for interviews, and also for funerals. A suit is always appropriate for a funeral. You can also break up the suit for less-formal events. Obviously you also need some blouses or shells to wear under the jacket.
1 black cocktail dress. Preferably all season. Can be worn for holiday parties, dressier weddings where black is not prohibited (which is most these days), random cocktail events. If you dress it up properly you could get away with this at black tie events too.
1 "day dress". Probably colored. Dressy but not super glitzy/cocktail. For less fancy weddings, or some "business dressy" events (with a blazer).
1 dressy topper. A little shrunken black jacket is probably most versatile. The suit jacket from above might work depending on its cut, but may give everything a "business" rather than a "party" air.
SHOES. Most important IMO, especially if you are a card carrying member of Club Fussy Feet. I can generally scrounge up some dress at the last minute, but comfy shoes are nearly impossible (plus no time to break them in, etc). Personally I would have at least one strappy sandal type shoe, one closed toe pump (mine is a kitten heel), maybe one dressy boot or bootie for cold events.
a dressy handbag or clutch.

Alassë

Veteran

Great summary, Diana!

Elly

Veteran

I hate this -- I have interviews and funerals covered for 4 seasons with a pair of dark wool slacks, a pair of black rayon slacks, a pair of black Chelsea boots, a somber ponte pencil, a white button down, a black button down, a pair of heeled oxfords, and my leather jacket.

I have a inexpensive patterned "faux" wrap type jersey dress with cap sleeves that I wear with a pair of cork wedges that can go to 90% of summer church/wedding occasions.

The rest of the year I struggle a bit. I would have nothing to wear to a winter wedding, or a summer or deep winter gallery event. I'm hoping that the dress I recently posted about on the forum covers winter gallery events with tights, a leather jacket, and boots. The right pair of track pants that could dress up or down would get a lot of mileage. I am also hoping that a VC tube skirt with the right top and flats would cover summer events. I'm not going to worry about the winter wedding until I'm invited to one. I do need to invest in a pair of non-sandal dress shoes, which is difficult because of fussy feet and our snow.

chadya

Veteran

n/m

Louise

Veteran

I prefer to be prepared because whenever I'm in desperate need of something usually I can't find it. I have a faux wrap black jersey dress which is suitable for funerals, I've also worn it with a faux fur waistcoat to go out for dinner. For happier occasions I have a selection of dresses which more by luck than judgement are fitted at the waist and flowing at the bottom which allows for some weight fluctuation x

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