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Preparing for childbirth

gradfashionista

(website)

Veteran

I'm jumping the gun on this question by about 1.5 years, but childbirth terrifies me, even though I'd like to have several children. My fears stem from my pre-med background, reading far too much online, and hearing from friends who are mothers, doctors and nurses about things that have gone wrong, and can go wrong, etc. The more I learn, the less I wish I knew. Are there any accounts, books, techniques or experiences that you found helpful in preparing you? Friends of mine who heavily relied on meditative techniques found them woefully inadequate when needed.

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32 replies

Latest reply was from AviaMariah

Dimity

It's a valid concern, but we do share a tendency for the horror stories more than the simple tales of natural birth. There has never in the history of the entire world and all of the millions of babies ever born been a healthier, better time to become a parent in developed countries like ours.
So my best wishes for whenever the time comes.

anne

Veteran

I found this book quite helpful for my third birth (only read it then)
http://www.amazon.com.au/Birth.....B006K1Y4UA.

Dimity is right though - you hear more about the bad stories than the good. Mine were all pretty straightforward!

rachylou

Veteran

Have you seen the live child birth sex-ed movie with the Swedish couple? Baby pops out and the lady has a spot of tea and a biscuit. Lol. The woman is so utterly un-hysterical. It's very calming. You wonder why everyone is off their head afterwards. Lol.

No seriously - ahaha! People are always asking me to go to hospital with them. It's the effect of the Swedish movie woman.

It's really not a bad thing to watch. Emotions are contagious. The Swedish woman was really good at passing calm on.

K.M.

Veteran

gradfashionista, I remember that as soon as I found out I was pregnant a few years ago, I began to read everything I could--books, websites, etc. And I remember having a panic attack one day and crying because of the scariness of it all. I am a worrywart naturally and was nervous when pregnant, especially as I frequented online pregnancy forums and sad stories often came up. For my own sanity, at some point I decided that I was just going to shut down the sources of such stories. They are statistically minor, but they take up a lot of mental space because they are so sad (and because they are the ones people feel compelled to share). I stopped reading the forums, the sites, and that silly book "What to Expect when You're Expecting." I kept reading my Mayo Clinic guide to pregnancy as I went along, which was very matter-of-fact and calming, and I trusted my doctor. I would come to my appointments with a list of many questions and her answers were always so reassuring. The best advice I got: every pregnancy is so different, it's hard to generalize from other people's experiences. Pay attention to your own body... and it's hard to predict how everything will go. And it's all worth it!

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Personally I suggest denial, at least until you are much closer to the event. Childbirth pales in comparison to motherhood any way you look at it.

Daria

Completely agree with Shevia and suggest postponing the worries. Most likely hormones will do their thing and your attitude will change once you are actually pregnant (or even once you WANT to get pregnant).
Having said that - I have two kids and while I would theoretically like to give them another sibling, I simply don't feel up to another pregnancy, delivery and recovery. Which kind of supports my point that you really need to have that strong desire for a child to have the right attitude the the physiological aspects of pregnancy and delivery (at least it's the case for me).

Sara L.

Veteran

Everyone always shares their sad stories and it can be hard to not worry. It's almost easier once you're pregnant because that baby has to come out somehow and you realize that you better learn to deal with it. I took a childbirth class that gave many different options for coping with childbirth and the instructor told everyone to pick what worked for them. I found focusing on my breathing worked best for me (3 babies, no epidurals) but everyone is different.

I will second K.M.'s advice to stay away from books, TV shows, forums, and sites where you hear those sad stories. Most pregnancies and births are uneventful.

Anonymous

Adding to the chorus...first step is to be calm. There is no point worrying about it until you are pregnant! Every pregnancy and labour is different.

I did classes and we were given many different options. I found focusing on breathing to be most helpful, and above all just trying to be calm and not fight it. I took each contraction as its own challenge to work through, and knew that each one meant I was closer to having a baby.

I have 2 kids, and delivered both with no painkillers, and while I don't attempt to speak for anyone else, I didn't find it insurmountable. I approached it as a hard job that will be sucky and painful, but not something to be afraid of.

amiable

Veteran

Yes, I'm adding to the chorus too. I have five kids - all were natural, no meds. And while it was scary (especially the two preemies), it's really more hard work than anything. I read up (and took a course on) the Bradley childbirth method, and found that it prepared me psychologically very well - I knew what was going on, knew where I was in the process of giving birth, and could keep my bearing through the pain. It's much less scary when you understand what's going on and what to expect next.

http://www.amazon.com/Natural-.....038;ie=UTF

Aziraphale

Veteran

I think you could benefit from talking to a professional counsellor. They can help you avoid 'going to the emergency room' in your head. Your fear is premature, as you pointed out, and a little irrational. I say this in a gentle way. The chances of anything truly terrible happening (i.e. your death, or the death of the baby) are slim to none. It's like worrying about your plane falling out of the sky, when statistically speaking, it's not going to happen.

That said, what IS is about mothers wanting to tell everybody their childbirth horror stories? Especially new mothers. So many new mothers seem to enjoy terrifying everybody with stories of gore and panic. I think it must be a 'badge of honour' thing. Yes, absolutely, things can (and often do) go a little bit wrong. You could end up with a big perineal tear, or a caesarian section, or some other unexpected complication. (Maybe your baby will be born on the hospital's front steps, like an acquaintance of mine! Awesome and extremely funny story). But nothing will happen that can't be fixed. Bodies have a remarkable ability to heal.

When pregnant with my first child, I was absolutely (and irrationally) convinced that the baby wouldn't fit. I begged the obstetrician for a planned c-section. I was worried the baby would get stuck and get brain damage from lack of oxygen. He reassured me that everything would be fine. He was right. (And like you, I have an extensive background in biology. I know exactly what kinds of things can go wrong).

As for fear of pain? Natural childbirth is all well and good, if you go in for that sort of thing, but if you don't, ask for an epidural. They are magic. Don't let anyone convince you that you can't push when you're numb from waist down. I had two straightforward vaginal deliveries, both with an epidural, and it made the birthing experience fun rather than a fog of agony. Breathing techniques and meditation are mildly helpful, but nothing eliminates pain like anaesthetic injected right into your central nervous system. (Think of it this way: would you want to get a filling without Novocaine?)

Aziraphale

Veteran

Also, Shevia makes a very good point. Childbirth is one day. Motherhood is the rest of your life. There's really no comparison.

doubleh

Veteran

Agreeing with KM and a few others- stay off the internet! Case in point: I read everything-everything- and one day I came across some article about how large amounts of Vitamin C can bring about spontaneous abortion. At that point I was eating about 15 clementines a day (my weird craving). Naturally I panicked and called drs office for an appt. Luckily the nurse was kind enough to assure me before her laughing fits kicked in. So hypothetically it is true but one would have to consume upwards of 500 clementines a day.

DonnaF

Veteran

I always focused on the fact that women have been having babies for thousands of years, and many/most of them have given birth multiple times. If it were so bad, most of us wouldn't have siblings.

The best preparation is probably to reduce risk factors like smoking, drinking a lot, being overweight, and under-exercised.

Anonymous

Mothers worldwide wish their husbands could give birth, if for no other reason than to truly know what it's like.

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

Here is my little bit of advice.

I spent far too much time worrying about labor and delivery and far too little time worrying about parenting a child. The labor and delivery lasts a day at most but the parenting lasts a lifetime.

My experience wasn't overly positive but my best friend and my sister each have two children and all were born with minimal pain and in short time. My BFF's first was almost delivered in the toilet as her labor felt like she needed to go to the bathroom. She didn't know. *sigh*

Lucy

Veteran

I was super prepared for a natural birth - until a week out, and the baby turned, and it was a compulsory c'section!
So I actually think you can't prepare too much for it, because things shift and change so much over time. it is good to be prepared, but at the same time maintaining mental flexibility is the best option.
Also I agree - a bit lit like a wedding and marriage - there can be so much emphasis on the former and not much on the latter - I didn't enjoy childbirth itself but wow, I'd do it again in a heartbeat to be a mother again

gradfashionista

(website)

Veteran

Thanks for all your replies. The voice of reason happily prevails, and the worry wart is temporarily appeased.

The literature/anecdotes about epidurals vs natural births are frustratingly so inconsistent if you're looking to them to make an educated decision.

Azriphale, funny story: I had all of my fillings put in without meds, by choice, a few years ago. Wouldn't recommend it, but I was able to reach a point where, for a few seconds, I dissociated myself from the pain, and kept it at bay. Visually, I felt like I was standing at shore watching myself at sea. I don't meditate, but it was an incredible experience.

Aziraphale

Veteran

You had fillings placed WITHOUT Novocaine? If you can handle that, my dear, you have nothing to fear from childbirth.

Carla

Veteran

Having impacted wisdom teeth out is worse than childbirth. 2 kids, at 27 and 29 years. No meds. Some simple, breathing exercises learned at the local health unit pre-nat classes was useful. DH and I Only made 4 classes since DS#1 was early.

I liked a book I got at the library called 9 months, 1 day, 1 year. It wasn't 'self help', but rather impressions of women and men on pregnancy, childbirth, and the first year of parenthood--the good, the bad, and the ugly.

ramya

Veteran

I have a 5 week old

Summer

Veteran

My advice is to not throw obstacles in your way. For the majority of women, childbirth is routine and uncomplicated. We can scare ourselves witless by listening to the horror stories from others on just about any topic, and I believe there are people out there who love nothing more than to over -dramatise their own experiences. Don't listen to the scaremongers, just deal with your own particular circumstances as and when they occur.

viva

Veteran

I was really worried about childbirth, to the point that i convinced myself I did not want children. But then I fell in love and found that I did. When I got pregnant, I tried to focus on the pregnancy and on feeling good during it. Fortunately for me this was pre-Internet. I think you'll have to exercise extreme willpower not to dive too far into the vast wasteland of true horror stories that are out there, but keep in mind that the people most likely to share are the ones at the extreme ends of the spectrum. Most people have unremarkable deliveries, so they don't write about them. Ultimately, if you can push the anxiety away for now, you might be lucky enough to get your mind to focus on yourself while you are pregnant -- staying healthy and comfortable and learning just enough to get through the work of it. And then, by dint of the odds, you will probably be one of those who has a challenging but unremarkable labor.

I will tell you this. You will never have as much time as you have now. So please don't spend it worrying about labor and delivery. Get out and enjoy yourself!!!

Alassë

Veteran

I second Aziraphale - getting through fillings without painkillers tells me you'll do just fine during labour!

Deb

Veteran

.

L'Abeille

Veteran

WIth my first pregnancy I deliberately packed away all my med school textbooks that had gruesome pictures of what could go wrong. What I did read, and found much more helpful than I expected, was Jane Fonda's workout book for pregnancy. I picked it up for the workout part (which turned out to be better than all the other prenatal workout advice available at the time), but the co-author (a midwife) gave some very sound preparation for childbirth advice that was calm and reassuring.

As far as the labour horror stories go--inflicting those on first time moms-to-be seems to be a guilty pleasure that many of us can't resist. The thing to realize is this--there is something about the process that induces a type of amnesia so that, even if we can remember and retell the events, it is more like recounting the plot of a movie we've seen--the emotional resonance and memory of personally endured pain is not there. I'm convinced this is how so many women are able to go through more than one pregnancy by choice. (With my subsequent pregnancies, I managed to forget all about the previous labour experiences until a week or so before the due date, when some movie or TV program I was watching would decide to have a character go through the process...)

SandyG

Veteran

Childbirth is a dramatic day in women's lives so you'll hear lots of war stories, a few good but many bad. Like Viva, I feared it and didn't want to have children, but my husband soothed my worry and we also waited several years. (Not neurotic really, but I was a secret adoption and my adoptive parents became hysterical every time I asked about it, so all things related to birth and children became forbidden, scary topics. It was a lot of drama growing up.) I read the Fitzhugh method for birth advice, still fretting, and made out my will before my due date, not expecting to survive. Got myself in top physical condition. Then I had 2 natural, extremely fast and relatively easy births, one practically while my husband was parking the car.

But the important part to relate is how I really grew and flourished from becoming a mother. And I really changed from my intellectualizing, detached self to a kinder, more in the moment mother who was 'present' for people, including my kids, in ways I couldn't have anticipated. It's a journey of inner and outer self, mental combined with physical, so be intrepid and have fun exploring. I remained the same person, just not living inside my head so much, or with so much dread (and tons more fun, challenge and reality).

AJ

Veteran

This is my favorite birth story because it made me laugh so much:
http://www.indianaelsewhere.co.....story-jude

Scarlet

Veteran

I found reading Ina May's book to be positive and helpful.

tulle

Veteran

The most reassuring and useful thing I heard pre-birth was a description by an experienced midwife of the TYPE of pain experienced in labor: it is not, she said, a sharp or traumatic pain, like being punched or stabbed; it is intense, productive contractions caused by prostaglandins (like strong menstrual or intestinal cramps) and the contractions come in waves, with respite in between. She was right. Labor is a workout, no doubt about that, (I remember thinking, so THIS is how it must feel to run a marathon!) but it is not an experience of unbearable pain. I highly recommend midwives, if they are licensed in your state. In my experience they are more apt to view childbirth as a normal, healthy, and empowering process than most doctors--and my husband, who is a physician, agrees.

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