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OT: would you tell your friend the truth in this situation?

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

I know someone(we are sort of a friends, not close friends though) who always neglects her teenage daughter in favor of her boyfriends. I know she loves her but if they are out together, doing mother/daughter thing and her bf calls, she drops everything and goes to her bf, leaving her daughter to her own devices. She stayed overnight at her bf house before and didn't even call her daughter to let her know where she is. This is just few examples. Her daughter was frantic,calling everyone, trying to find her. Yet this woman seems oblivious that what she is doing is wrong. They argue all the time because her daughter feels neglected and her mom usually goes out every night while daughter is taking care of things at home. Just today, this person was complaining to me that she is sick of arguing with her daughter and she needs to have her own life with her bf. I didn't want to get involved but should I tell her that she is not doing the right thing? Or should I just stay out of this?

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34 replies

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catgirl

Veteran

Er, who's the mother here? I would definitely tell her my opinion if the subject was open, as it seems to be. I can't imagine a sadder scene than a teenager wanting to see a parent more and not being able to do so. And what is the boyfriend's deal? What kind of potential mate encourages someone to neglect their kids, or at least doesn't make the effort to spend time with that child too?

Yes, I would say something!

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

Alaskagirl: her bf seem to have no interest in teenage daughter. Let's just say that this woman haven't made best choices in men in the past and this trend seem to continue. Her last bf pretty much ignored her daugher and this one is the same way.

rae

(website)

Veteran

OUCH, what a hard thing to have to tell someone! If it were me, I wouldn't bring it up myself, but the next time she complains, you could mention that the daughter is probably feeling "feeling left out" or is "acting out/arguing" in order to get her attention. I might remind her that a teen is still a kid at heart and really very scared of a world that views them as an adult, and that they crave boundaries. I would definitely stay away from any language that implies your friend is "in the wrong" here, as that is a sure way to get her to shut down.

christieanne

Veteran

This woman sounds a lot like my mother in law. And that's the reason both of her adult sons barely speak to her and choose to move away from her at first opportunity to find new lives as adults. Very sad.
I would say something like " you know, your daughter is a teenager but this is the only time you will have with her before she is really on her own. A few years invested in her will mean a lot for the rest of her life."

Sticky but I feel bad for her daughter.

Echo

Veteran

Oh, what a sad situation. However, while telling her what any mother with any common sense ought to know might make you feel better, it likely won't change her behaviour. People who cannot see the reality in front of their faces generally don't take well to advice. She told you flat-out that she wants to have "her own life", and so she is treating her DD like a friend (and not a particularly good one at that) instead of a daughter. Sadly, you cannot force someone to be a responsible parent. This woman has decided to put a man above her own child; if she were a responsible parent, this situation wouldn't exist. And given that her DD is a teenager, CPS likely would not become involved and it is too late for parenting classes.

I hate to say this, but I just can't see any way that you trying to tell her how much her DD needs her is going to make her change.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

I like rae's advice - don't bring it up yourself, but next time your friend complains about difficulties with her daughter, see if you can very nicely/gently suggest that her daughter is probably missing her a bit.

rachylou

Veteran

I would act all bewildered and say, "Ohmigosh, it sounds like you're saying you left your daughter home alone all night... that would be too weird. Goodness. What a thought! Crazy!" And then I'd wander away.

I find that showing bewilderment goes a little farther in making an impression than describing what people should or shouldn't be doing - whether given as counsel or a dressing down. Too intellectual. Whether or not you're a member of the crowd is far more motivating.

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

thanks for advice ladies-perhaps I should keep my mouth shut. At the time when she didn't come home overnight, I was very shocked and asked her why wouldn't she call her daughter. Her answer was"I knew we were going to get into argument about it so I didn't want her lecturing me". Yeah..As Echos said, I don't think she will change if I point out"the errors of her ways"

Anonymous

Honestly. I would say it like it is and I'm sorry if your acquaintance does not like it. I throw the sensitivity out the window in a situation like this. I know this is usually not my business, but I make it my business!

ironkurtin

Veteran

I believe that is abandonment and child abuse. I'll be blunt and say she sounds more immature than her teen daughter!

I'd want to shake her. But Unfortunately I don't think confronting her will make her change her ways. Depending on how involved you wanted to get, I'd focus on the daughter instead of the mother. That way when your friend disappears, DD has someone to call and rely on.

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

Zapotee: I agree with you comptely. I would have said something already if my DH told me not to get involved. After I started thinking about it, I started doubting that my comments will have any effect on her

bj1111

Veteran

no, i would not discuss the situation with the mother, unless we were really close friends, especially if i would have to spend any significant amount of time with her. BUT i would let the daughter know that she can call you if you are comfortable with that.

Isabel

Veteran

Victoria, it is so wonderful of you to care so much about her daughter. Unfortunately, the truth is that this woman doesn't care. So she won't take in anything you say in earnest and in turn think that you are being mean to her. I just don't get women who will put men, undesirable men, as top priority. She is unreachable and just wants her child out the door ASAP. This is a complete and utter role reversal.

I would just act confused, " Wow, I don't understand why you would want your daughter to worry so much. She loves you. "

I would also be there for the girl. Does she need food ? Does she get scared being home alone ? Can she call you ?

Unfortunately, this woman would probably be thrilled if social services came in and put the girl in foster care.

You might want to drop her school an anonymous note about what is happening.

Fruitful

Veteran

I don't think this woman is worth your time. When she complains, I'd say something honest and politely challenging. But it sounds like you did and she doesn't care. I'd make sure the daughter knows she can call you if you're open to that. Maybe let the school know, or another family member if possible. What worries me is I wouldn't want the kid taken away from her home, as she could end up in a worse situation. That woman is a $%#$%. Sorry. I'd want nothing more to do with someone like that.

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

Isabel: she has grandparents living nearby so I know she has someone to look out for her if she needs place to stay, food or whatever. We go to the same church as her mom so my husband and I told her daughter to call us if she needed anything after her mom stayed away overnight. Hopefully, its enough...I feel really sad for this girl though..Her mom just texted me about their argument earlier, along the lines of"I devoted my life to her and I can't even do anything on my own, she is so selfish". I honestly don't know what to say to that...

wendyraye

You are in a tough spot. Maybe your friend feels she missed out on life somehow (by having a child?) and wants to make up for lost time. She confides in you, so she must value your opinion. You can't just tell her she's wrong - she said herself that she'd rather "not call" her daughter, than get lectured. The next time she complains try this: be sympathetic. Say something like, "Sounds like you're frustrated with things right now." Then do the unexpected: offer help. Maybe say, "Is there anything I can do to help?" I bet this would take her by surprise and get her thinking, which might help open her eyes. I'm not implying you "drop everything" to help this woman, but maybe you could offer her daughter to call you when she is worried about her mom being gone? That would be a huge help for the one that needs it most!
I wish you luck. Keep us updated!!

ironkurtin

Veteran

Victoria, this makes me so sad. The mother has abandoned her role as nurturer of her child and thinks of the two of them as peers - when they aren't. The mother is not the teen, but ishe's acting like one. This forces the kid into the mom role, resulting in something destructive for everyone. I sincerely hope the grandparents (no father in the picture I take it?) fill a nurturing role this poor kid needs. And I'm sorry you have the psychic load of worrying like this.

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

Ironkurtin: yes, she does act like a teenager. her daughter is actually very mature and driven and has a good head on her shoulders. This lady is a single mom so no, no father is present. Not much I can do other than offer her daughter encouragement and advice

Liz

Veteran

Is there a wise, seasoned mom-of-teens at your church that you could help this woman connect with, maybe saying, "Parenting a teen IS hard; Susan has so much experience and might be a great help for you. How about I see if the three of us can get together for coffee sometime?" If your friend developed some trust with Susan (assuming Susan exists) there might be an opening for her to say things that you aren't able to say.

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

Liz: there is someone like that but unfortunately, these two had a falling out last fall and not on speaking terms anymore.

Fruitful

Veteran

Victoria, I know a couple of women like this, who have 1 daughter only. Seems they somehow overidentify with the daughter/see her as an extension of themselves and are unable to see the parent/child relationship. Example, one friend is often upset with how her 2 year old is "manipulative" and tries to make her feel bad by saying "I want Grandma" in front of her. Another one has a very difficult tween-aged daughter and gets friends to have her stay for the weekend so she can get time to herself, but never returns the favour, and also doesn't do anything to change the behaviour, just gets upset about her daughter hurting her feelings.

jayne

Veteran

This is beyond words for me. Unfortunately, I grew up with a similar situation so I feel so bad for the daughter. But, she is tougher than I was, she is saying something to her mother. And that girl LOVES her mother, She would NOT want to be taken away from her. So please don't bring any official group into this. This might be neglectful, but it is not neglect and it is not abuse. The daughter would be the one punished if she were taken from her mother. Horrified at the thought!

The mother obviously feels a need to have a man in her life. She is immature. She will not likely listen to criticism. I would discretely chat with daughter and give her the support. Tell her to call her grandparents, make it clear she should not be alone like this, and make sure she knows how to keep herself SAFE those nights she is alone.

And I would 'afterwards' make sure to say something outright and clear to the mother in front of the daughter. Yes, this would go against your husbands wishes, but it would give the daughter the sense that she is in the right, that she has the world on her side. The mother is looking for affirmation that she is right to feel abused by her daughter. Silence is affirmation. Sorry, but it is true. And she probably would not hear the sense in you disagreeing, but you would have said it, it would be the right thing, not the easy thing, to do.

And you, of course, are not me, so I don't really expect you to do what I would do. But I have been that daughter, so I am driven to prevent such a situation for anyone else. My daughters think I am paranoid about leaving them home alone. Which is my extreme overreaction to the past, but I am allowed to make mistakes too, ones that keep them safe and make them feel loved!

catgirl

Veteran

Victoria, one last thing - when you say this woman is a friend, is she someone you confide in and who confides in you? Are there other qualities you value about her that would make it worthwhile to be honest with her? Or conversely, if there are not, would it matter if you lost her friendship by saying something?

I'm not sure you said how old the girl is - obviously there's a big difference between 13 and 17, for instance. But this mom is getting away with seriously bad behavior which will have lasting repercussions, as Jayne so poignantly said. I too have friends who do not speak to their mothers for having behaved this way.

The book and movie "Anywhere But Here" by Mona Simpson has a perfect portrayal of a mother obsessed with finding a man to the point of emotionally abandoning her teen daughter. This was most definitely NOT my experience as a child, but just reading about it was so painful!

Deborah

Veteran

Victoria, could you bring the situation to the attention of your church minister? And seek some direction from him/her? My concern is for the daughter, so providing a good support system for her is important. Mum clearly has issues that are not going to be easily addressed or quickly fixed.

ManidipaM

Veteran

I have no advice to offer. just wanted to say this makes me want to cry for all concerned

Hugs, Jayne... glad you came safe through those years.

Louise

Veteran

How old is the daughter? Here in the UK the NSPCC advise that no child under 16 is left alone at night! If you feel she is in danger or being neglected your priority is the child not her useless mother and you should contact the police or child services x

Anonymous

If you honestly feel you can't talk to this woman, I agree with Louise. This is a case for child services. I personally don't think I could sit back and watch this stuff go on.

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

Deborah: I talked to a mutual friend yesterday who is assistant to the pastor and she actually told me(in confidence) that pastor have tried to talk to her recently about this and other issues and that she refused to listen to him and essentially told him to butt out. I guess if she didn't want to hear him, she won't listen to me, I am sure.
Alaskagirl: we used to be close friends but I sort of distanced myself from her this past year because of her behavior. I guess I feel bad if I took her out of my life altogether because I think she needs help

ironkurtin

Veteran

Jayne, you are very brave to share your story with us. Thank you for that!

Victoria, I just want to say you have a good heart for taking this issue on, whatever you do here.

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