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OT- What would you do in this situation?

Ele

(website)

I have a personal/family situation that I'd like to get some feedback on- I know how supportive the YLF community is so I have no problem posting this here.

Basically, my grandmother (back home in Canada) is very sick and likely to pass away soon. Apart from all the problems you'd expect from being 97 years old, she has cancer and an aggressive tumor which is causing her a lot of pain. No one knows how long it will be- could be days, could be a month or two- but for now she's still at home (lives with one of my aunts) with round-the-clock nursing care.

I spoke to her on the phone on Saturday, which was very hard for me to do. Not that I don't like talking to her (obviously), but knowing that it might be the last time I heard her voice was horrible. Now my parents have suggesting that I come home for a weekend to see her, and I can't decide whether to do this. On one hand, will I regret not going? On the other hand, do I want my last memories of her to be of her ill and frail? There is no guarantee that she will even be in a state to talk to me, as she has good days and bad days.

If I went, I'd likely go this weekend, but it would mean canceling one of my therapy sessions and one of my upholstery classes (both of which I'd still have to pay for). I have to be back by Tuesday because I'm starting a part-time job at a local gourmet food shop/deli then. Obviously, these are not real problems- I think I'm mainly just scared. I've been really upset lately (I seem to cry whenever I think/talk about it) and I'd hate to break down in front of her and upset her.

Does anyone have experience with this? I know Vani went through something similar last year. What would you do if you were me?

General

40 replies

Latest reply was from medusa

Louise

Veteran

I'd go. I know it will be hard seeing her ill and frail but i think you'll regret it if you don't ge the chance to say goodbye.
I remember as a child wanting to see my grandad on my birthday as he was dying from cancer and we hadn't been allowed to see him for weeks as he was so ill. Mum and dad did relent and let us go as a b'day treat and i did get really upset as they predicted but looking back with an adult perspective i'm soo glad i was able to see him one last time and say goodbye especially as he died 3 days later and i'd like to think it was nice for him too to be able to say goodbye x

Edit- i note you say about crying all the time i've been filling up just typing and it's been 20 years since he died x

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I understand your fear of seeing someone you love in this situation but feel this is a fear you should face. Family is so important and the tenderness and love of your whole family through the next weeks will remain with you long after the grief has started to subside. You are stronger then you think Ele!

londonkiwi (now back in NZ)

Veteran

Your fear of seeing your Grandmother is completely rational, Ele. And seeing a loved one when they are sick is terrifying, but I think that Julie (again!) summed it up well. It is one of those things that you may regret more not doing than doing.

Perhaps another way of looking at it is whether you seeing her might be of great comfort to her. Even if she can't talk to you, she will know that you are there and I am sure that will mean a lot to her.

Ele

(website)

You guys are probably right- in fact, I knew that you'd tell me this. I didn't see my grandfather when he died, but that was very sudden and I was only a little girl- it was right for me at the time, but I feel this time I should if I have the option to. This is the first time I've had to deal with death as an adult, and I am finding it very different, and very tough.

Another thing I'm worried about is this horrible weather we've been having in the UK this week. I'd hate to book a flight (and at the last minute they will be crazy expensive) only to have it cancelled. I guess I will just have to stay positive and hope that doesn't happen.

londonkiwi (now back in NZ)

Veteran

Ele - with regard to booking flights, I think that you should be fine if you book out of Heathrow. It doesn't close nearly as much as Gatwick and long haul always gets priority over shorthaul when they are doing cancellations.

Even, if you can't go then at least you tried.

Kristen

(website)

Veteran

I didn't go home for my aunt's or my grandmother's funerals -- it was too expensive and my parents didn't seem to push either way -- and to fifteen years later, I still regret it. Do what feels right and don't worry about the little stuff like classes or whatnot; in hindsight they will feel very inconsequential.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

To not go due to cost is very different to not going due to an emotional block. Why don't you enquire about flights and then take it from there?

Melanie

I didn't go to see my grandmother when she suffered her terminal illness because I had just had a very serious late miscarriage and had two little ones to care for. I regret it still, 20 years on. I don't blame myself, times were hard, but I wish...things had been different. Well done for finding a way to get a bit of help from YLF with what's a difficult decision.

Kristine

Veteran

I'd go if you can possibly swing it. Maybe ask your parents for a little help with the ticket if they're able. In the US many airlines will give a discount on tickets in situations like this.

I went to see my grandmother and step-father both in similar situations. Neither were conscious and probably didn't know I was there. But I was glad I went. I was next to my step-father when he passed away, something I never thought I could handle. But it was actually really peaceful. Really, it's about closure for you and providing support for other family members. Plus, if you have a hard time with the situation, then it might mean it's a chance for growth. It'll bring you closer to your family to face this together.

You're not a horrible person if you don't go, but I'd take a deep breath and do your best to make it if you can.

Sihaya

Veteran

Ele - I"m sorry you're facing this situation. My heart goes out to you. I would vote for you to go as well. You won't be able to get back this time. This is a regret I still have with my grandmother.

Debbie

Veteran

If at all possible please go. You need your family at a time like this and they need you.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

BIG HUG. This is awful and I'm sorry, Ele.

I think that your parents pull rank on this one. If they suggest that you come home and visit - you should do that.

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

Ele, first of all let me send you virtual hugs and say how sorry I am that you have to go through this. *hugs*
I don't have direct experience, but I have an anecdote to relate from Corey's family that may help. Corey's mom was sick with cancer for quite some time, and his sister found this fact quite difficult to deal with. She avoided making visits to the family home because she simply didn't know how to face the reality of her mom's decline. She loved her mother very much, but just couldn't face up to the situation. Their mom's eventual death touched off a lot of guilt for Corey's sister...guilt that it's taken years to come to terms with. I also know from Corey's stories that their mom was hurt when his sister wouldn't visit.

My advice should be taken with a grain of salt, since I'm not that familiar with your emotional makeup, but based on the example above I would recommend that you come back for the weekend. I suspect the regrets you may experience if you don't go would last longer than the sadness and shock you would suffer if you do. On top of that, I imagine the effort of flying across the Atlantic to say goodbye would mean a great deal to your grandmother, no matter how lucid she is.

Best of luck with this incredibly difficult decision. If you ever want to talk off forum, please get in touch.

Vani

Veteran

Ele, So sorry. Big ((hugs)) to you from me. Grandmothers are precious.

As you know, my grandmother fell horribly sick suddenly early last summer and took a turn for the worse. Although she has always lived with my aunt, my mother thought dad and she could take better care of her. This decision was god sent because this way I was able to talk to her or my mother every single day. Even so, I couldn't help wishing every minute that I was there by her side. The moment my father called to say that the doctors had finally declared it a matter of time, I knew I just had to drop everything and go see her. It was expensive and inconvenient (we had a trip to New Orleans all planned out and booked for the weekend I ended up being in India), but I was extremely glad I was able to go. She passed away 3 weeks after I returned.

I understand your fear of upsetting her, your family or yourself; and that you may not want your last memories of her all frail and sick. But trust me when I tell you that even in her sickness she will have moments of lucidity and will be so happy to see you. She may not be able to comprehend why you are there, but grandmas are just happy to see you regardless, aren't they? Please go to her. It will mean a lot to you to know that you were able to kid around with her, hold her and hug her one last time. In time, you will not remember her sickness so much as all the other good moments. I know I would have carried a hole in my heart forever if I had not been able to see her before she was gone.

Sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, but please know that I completely empathize with the situation you are in. ((HUGS))

Ele

(website)

Thank you all SO much for your input, I knew I'd get some well-considered answers here.

Unfortunately, it seems to be working against me right now. I had decided, based on the feedback here and my own gut instinct, to go home, and found a flight leaving tomorrow and returning on Sunday night. But I wanted to talk to my parents before booking it. I spoke to them about an hour ago, and now they seem to be backpedaling- telling me I should wait! Apparently there will be a lot of people there this weekend since other family members are flying in. On top of that, my grandmother's medication has just been changed, and they aren't yet sure how she's going to react to it- it could be a "bad" weekend for her.

On one hand, I understand. One of the people flying in is my aunt from BC, and I wouldn't want to take away visiting time from her. It's my grandmother, but it's her Mum, after all. With 6 children, 15 grandchildren and something like 12 great-grandchildren, there are a lot of people who want to visit! It must be overwhelming at times. But on the other hand I'm frustrated with my parents- this was their idea, after all! Plus, by this time next week I might have a job (if all goes well- my shift on Tuesday is a trial one), and then it will become so much more difficult to find the time to go.

I suppose all your stories have me worried now. I might not get to see her again, and I don't want to carry that regret.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

My heart goes out to you Ele.

Louise

Veteran

Do your parents know about the job possibilty? Could they perhaps try to get another family member to go another time to enable you to go now? I understand if you've just started a new job it may be more difficult to take time off x

Debbie

Veteran

Please know that I'm thinking about you. I know this is tough but listen to your heart it will tell you what to do.

kimlee

Veteran

Ele - My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family during this difficult time. I hope that things work out so that you can go to see your grandmother. We are all here if you need us.

stylemama

I had to make a similar decision a few years ago. I was very pregnant, busy working and planning a b-day party for my 3 year-old. I planned to see my grandmother at the end of the month (after the party and the big work projects, etc). I had plenty of reasons to put off my visit, but my sister-in-law's simple words - Go now. You have no idea how much time is left. - put me in the car that weekend with my son and best friend in tow. Grandma died a week after my visit - long before I had planned to see her. She was frail, bedridden and completely different than the grandma I knew before, but I'm so glad I went to see her. I still remember her from before she got sick, as well as from that last visit. And I'm okay with that contrast.

I wonder if your parents might need you there too for support. I know my mom did. Wishing you peace with your decision -whatever you choose.

Christie

I didn't travel to see one grandfather with cancer before he died but attended his funeral, and did see a grandmother before she died (and didn't attend the funeral). I think its far better to visit your living relative while you can. Its hard, but its good too.

Vani

Veteran

My heart goes out to you Ele. Please make the decision that you know will give you peace - it is yours alone to make.

Laura

(website)

Veteran

Ele, I hope you can find the right answer. (((HUGS)))

Mamapicklejuice

Veteran

Oh, Ele - how heartbreaking...I hope you find peace...perhaps you can speak on the phone with your grandmother - even if she can't respond, she will hear your voice. You can remind her of happy times you shared with her. Thinking of you...

Debora

Veteran

Ele, I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Sending you hugs and hope that you are able to come to a decision based on what feels right for you. You've gotten wonderful advice from the ladies and I can't really add much more except that you might want to think about what your grandmother would want you to do. If you think she would want you there, then by all means go if it is possible. If you think that she might not want you to make that long trip, then that's something to consider also. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Srujana

Veteran

(((((HUGS)))))

Ele, I'm so sorry for what you're going through....I recently went through a similar situation and I would urge you to go see her, if at all possible.

My work has been incredibly tight these past couple months, and we were told not to expect any vacation time at all for the holiday season but my grandfather has been in poor health for awhile and I took a spur of the moment weekend before thanksgiving to visit him. I hated seeing him so frail....I remember him as such a strong man, so full of vitality.. Two weeks later, I got a call saying that he had taken a turn for the worse, and I was preparing to book an immediate flight, but my parents told me not to go, that he'd be ok.....he passed away the next day. Work was understanding and allowed me to leave...i was able to get there in time for the funeral, but i wish i had gone the night before.

I understand your fear of seeing her in her present condition, but no matter what the drugs do, she is forevermore your grandmother. I don't believe you should think of your relationship with her as any less than her relationship with her siblings or her children. My grandfather couldn't speak or move, but his eyes brightened when I walked into the room and spoke to him. I truly believe it would mean alot to your grandmother to see you....and having your family and loved ones around you will be a comfort.

I hope I'm not bringing you down by sharing this. Workplaces usually have a period of time set aside for bereavement. Your potential employer shouldn't hold this against you, perhaps you could explain the situation? I think you should look inside yourself...people handle these situations and grief in their own ways. But I wish you the best, and you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers....

marianna

Veteran

Just wanted to send you more hugs and strength.

Lena

Ele, I'm so sorry.

If you can, try to go. You've gotten such good advice from everyone, I don't have anything wise to add. I was in your shoes once: I couldn't go, and I wish I had.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

Dawn

(website)

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your troubles and to send you lots of hugs and support.

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