OT: Need some input.. - YouLookFab Forum

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OT: Need some input..

Maya

Veteran

I have been invited to a cocktail party to honor the volunteers at the museum. However, I am a volunteer in name only--meaning that I don't know any of the other volunteers and have virtually nothing in common with them work-wise. I also don't drink and have no idea what else people do at cocktail parties besides eat finger foods and mingle.

As I'm sure I have made clear several times, I am painfully shy and the idea of being at any kind of social event full of total strangers, who are probably all at least 20 years older than I am, makes me want to crawl under a rock. But my parents insist that I'm making a mistake by not going because it could be a great networking opportunity. I would probably be a lot less intimidated if I could go with someone I knew, but for a variety of reasons which I won't go into, I'm not really comfortable asking anyone.

On the plus side, it would give me an opportunity to bust out that dress I got from Beacon's Closet. Although as expected, I'm falling apart just thinking about what to wear on my feet...but we can think about that later...

What do you think?

General

37 replies

Latest reply was from shiny

marianna

Veteran

I'd go to the party with you if I was in the area.

Coming from an equally shy person, I think you should at least make an appearance. It is a party honoring you, so I think it's best if you showed up. You don't have to stay long, but at least show your face, and then you can flea. That's what I would do.

(And it IS a great networking opportunity. You can't pass that up!)

Lisa

Veteran

I think you should go. I am also quite shy, and when I have to "turn it on" for a social event I try to think of a person that is outgoing and mimic that person. Sort of like wearing a costume for a few hours. If I pretend I'm someone else I can put the nerves aside to get through the event, then go back into my shell after I've left. Good luck!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

You must go to the cocktail party. No buts!

Wear your new Beacon's Closet frock with yellow Fidjis and swap out the shoes for public transport.

I have never had the impression that you are painfully shy. When we met for the first time, we yakked till the cows came home! You are charming deluxe. Grab a pretty non-alcoholic drink, choose someone to yak to and introduce yourself. Do a lot of listening if need be. No need to hang around for yonks. Make a stunning appearance, leave a lasting impression and back home to Lucie you go.

yublocka

(website)

Veteran

As I was reading the first 2 paragraphs I was totally thinking its an opportunity for you to bust out that dress.

Take yourself out of your comfort zone Maya. Its a one-off. If its terrible you can just leave and come home anyway!!!

Frances

Maya, I know you're probably reaching out to more familiar long-time YLF members for some sound wisdom, but I'm going to go out on a limb here because I'm inwardly cringing for you. As a painfully shy person, I hate these work-related social events too.

However, your parents are right (in that annoying way that parents can be). It's a great networking opportunity and it gets your name and face out there among people with influence. Even if you don't meet your next employer or land a permanent job as a result of meeting somebody influential at this particular cocktail party, it's good practice, it forces you to practice the whole, "Hi, I'm Maya. I work with so-and-so over in the such-and-such area," and practice is a valuable thing because these work-related events are not going to go away. Even if it feels like a waste of time, you can size up what everyone is wearing, saying and doing and apply whatever you've learned to adjust course the next time one of these events comes along. If your boss or even 1-2 other people you know are going to be there, you can latch on to them for a few minutes and they will probably introduce you to a few strangers in turn. Just get some sparkling water or something--nobody has to know what you're drinking. I hope it will turn out to be a positive experience, but if you can make it through even 30-45 minutes before bolting for the ladies room or having to step out into the hallway to take an "important" cell phone call, that's still more of a success than staying home to placate the shyness anxiety.

Maya

Veteran

I already "knew" you Angie. I'm fine one on one, or in situations where I am introduced by someone I know already, but being around total strangers freaks me out. Especially if I don't quite fit into the demographic.

I figured shoe-swapping would need to be done, but what I'm not sure of is where to store the shoes in the meantime? My bag will probably be too small to hold a pair of shoes.

Christie

When I was a young 20-something and nervous about mingling at an event, my mom gave me this great advice ... "everyone feels 22!" Its true!

Maya

Veteran

BTW...is it completely weird and inappropriate to bring a girl as a guest? I'm not too enthusiastic about bringing any of my dude friends to tag along...

taylor

Veteran

Of course Angie is right you must go!! I was just going to suggest a support person. Not wierd at all bringing a friend!! Pretend Marrianna and I are there and make funny comments to us to us ( in your head:)

Claudia

Veteran

Yes, do make yourself go, Maya. Bring a gal pal, but make sure you don't just hang with her and make no attempt to mingle and start conversations and introduce yourself around. Cricket's mom's advice is so true. Everyone is shy and insecure on some level and wants approval, they just push through it and make it look easy.

What a great opportunity to wear that killer dress. I hope you'll go.

Maya

Veteran

Angie, do you think those mint green pumps would work, or is the suede not appropriate? I had them cleaned, for what it's worth..

I have a friend in mind who is much more outgoing than I am, so I thought of asking her to come along, because she is much more comfortable striking up conversations with people.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Yes! The suede green pumps will look fab. Good idea.

Bring a friend for sure. I didn't know that was a possibility. Now you're sorted!

Mac

Veteran

Maya, i didn't realise that you were painfully shy. I do know that you are surprisingly pretty and fabulously witty so I hope you go, enjoy yourself and knock their socks off.

Debora

Veteran

Maya, you'll do fine, believe me. You were an excellent hostess when we all met up in New York and you did a fine job of introducing us all around and keeping the conversation going.

Frances gave you excellent advice for introducing yourself. Also, prepare some small talk and ice breakers in advance. Since it is a volunteer function you can prepare some standard questions such as: How long have you volunteered at the museum? How many days a week do you volunteer? What area do you volunteer in? Do you live in the city? I think you'll find that most people love to talk about themselves. At least that's my experience and I've spent many years attending military and academic functions. Many a time I've prepped myself beforehand with safe, general topics of discussion such as these. I've just substituted different words. For example, How long have you been stationed here? What was your previous assignment? Or, How long have you taught at the University? What subject do you teach? It's really pretty flop proof once you get the hang of it.

Good luck and have a wonderful time.

April

Veteran

Oh, Maya -- I completely feel your anxiety. This is exactly the sort of thing that sends me into a tizzy as well. Remember that most people respond very well to a good listener and often don't even notice that they're doing all the talking. And that you can keep conversation flowing by asking questions that begin with "what" rather than questions that can be answered with a yes or a no.

Sihaya

Veteran

I think it's totally ok to bring along a girlfriend. Target a small handful of folks who look more "attractive" to you and see if you can have some one-on-one conversations with them as you mention you do better one on one.

Anonymous

Please do go, Maya. Some of the volunteers may be recently retired and may be able to help you in your job search. At your age I was also painfully shy but find that everyone likes to talk about themselves and what they do or have done. Debora has some good advice in thinking of questions to get them started. Everyone has an interesting story in them. You can always leave early. Ask for club soda with a twist of lemon if you want to look like you have a drink.

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

Oh Maya, I feel for you. Cocktail parties can be both stressful and mind-numbing -- a really odd combination, to be sure. They can also be fun and/or incredibly helpful. My recruitment job came about because of a conversation at a cocktail party. Learning to navigate this type of environment is something of an evil necessity, but I know without question that you have all it takes to be a total success. You're a great conversationalist, as I can attest. You'll look great, you'll be sober (which already puts you ahead of the game), and believe it or not you're already in an environment that ensures some degree of common ground with the other party-goers. You all work/volunteer at the same place. That, and the fact that it's the freaking met we're talking about, should ensure enough introductory material to get going (art always works)!

The others are absolutely right. What you drink is noone's business but your own, and noone really cares about such things anyway. Have whatever you feel comfortable with. Identify someone familiar if you can, but if not, don't hesitate to take the lead. Feel free to introduce yourself if you're stuck in line at coat check or at the bar or what not. Guaranteed, you won't be the only shy person in the place, and someone else will be most grateful for your initiative if you feel comfortable taking some. The fact is most people don't love cocktail parties like this, so you'll find more sympathy than you expect. And you'll make a good impression by showin an appropriate sense of decorum and workplace conduct. And you'll have fun planning your outfit!!

Too bad I can't come with you so you could use Reva as an ice-breaker! You have no clue how great guide dogs are for that kind of thing!

Debbie

Veteran

Definitely go and take a friend. This is a opportunity as your parents said to network and who knows whoever you take may know someone at the party and that would help break the ice.

These functions are a necessary evil and are great ways to meet new people.

Rosie

Veteran

These kinds of functions are tough - I'd certainly feel anxious as well. You've gotten some excellent advice already. It is a must-attend, and it is certainly fine to bring a friend who might help you feel more comfortable. My one caution is try not to let your more outgoing friend upstage you in the conversations. Remember that this is your event and these are people who might be interesting to get to know. By all means allow your friend to strike up conversations but make sure that you get to show your charming self, as well.

With regards to the drinking - usually people don't really care whether you are drinking or not, but if you find yourself feeling self-conscious or don't want to deal with people asking, club soda with some citrus is always a good bet. Looks like a stiff drink and might fend off any questions.

stringy

Veteran

Make sure you tell your friend that you might want to leave early. Politely excuse yourself from your conversation to get a drink or whatever (don't be too specific), then quietly slip away. It's not appropriate to do to friends, but at a gathering of near-strangers, everyone will assume you're chatting to someone else.

Stay just as long as you can manage the small-talk, with the assistance of your bubbly friend, then slip out before you get worn out by it all.

londonkiwi (now back in NZ)

Veteran

I'm with everyone else - you need to go - think of this as a learning opportunity and you will look smashing in your outfit, and I think that you should take confidence from that!

I work as a fundraiser so a lot of my job is about networking and talking to people, I am not a natural extrovert, so have had to learn the skills that are necessary and as they say practice makes perfect!

Debora's advice about having some prepared questions for small talk are spot on and you are lucky that you have a topic in common already with the other guests. I also find that older people like to talk to younger people about what they are doing and how they are getting on - you may be surprised.

Don't worry that you are not a drinker, in my expereice a lot of people do not drink at functions for one reason or another, you will not be judged on it.

Do you know any full time staff that will be attending? If yes, then ask if they could introduce you to some of the other guests of staff. Also, will people be wearing name badges? If yes, then how handy, because you will not have to remember names.

Since it is a good opportunity to network, make sure you take business or calling cards if you have some or a small note book and pen so that you can get other's details or pass on your own.

A cocktail party at the MET - how many people can say that they have been to one?

April

Veteran

Forgot to mention it last night, Maya, but I'm casting another vote in favor of not worrying about the "I don't drink" aspect. I do drink wine, but never at work functions or volunteer events and when I was in grad school, never at department functions either. I just prefer not to, and no one has ever questioned it.

casey

Maya, I think you recently said that you were had to act bubbly and outgoing for a job interview. Think of this as the same thing! Just go up to someone, say, "Hi, I'm Maya. I'm so happy to finally get to meet some of the other volunteers" and ask them what they do. Nothing could be simpler!

If you look at it as an exercise to practice your networking, you might be less nervous.

shiny

Veteran

Maya, you MUST go. Such occasions are invaluable for your career. Every person you meet, no matter who they are, may someday become an important business contact.

I have a work conference coming up in a few weeks, and it will be the first time I get to meet the people I've been working with for the last year. Yes, I see them on video conference, and talk to them over the phone, but it can't replace real life interactions. I would not miss this opportunity for the world. Every time I have such opportunity, even if it's as simple as a dinner, it makes such a difference.

Tips on how to handle the occasion:

1) Remember that first impressions are what counts. If you can just get through the first 30 seconds of each introduction, you've won. It's that simple. Practice your smile, your eye contact, and your handshake. Feign confidence. It will get easier and easier with each introduction. And, of course, dress your best - we know you can do that.

2) Make a list of safe topics and comments you can make, during those first 30 seconds. "So nice to meet you, <insert question>". Questions work the best, as it lets you off the hook while they answer. And, everyone loves to talk about themselves!

3) It helps if you do some homework in advance, particularly for any VIPs you may be meeting. "I saw your exhibit last week - I wanted to ask you where you got the idea to... <I dunno... something that shows you paid attention>." "I understand you are an NYU grad?" Even, if all else fails, "Wow, I love those shoes! Where did you get them?"

4) Keep moving. Don't latch on and lock any one person into a long conversation. 5-10 minutes, max, then move on to the next person. Exception: it's a VIP and they seem to keep asking you questions. You can always say, "I don't want to tie you up, I'm sure you want to meet and mingle too."

5) If you are overcome with a case of the nerves, just admit it. "I'm not good at these parties, but I'm practicing! I'm told it gets easier - does it???" Everyone likes sincerity, and they are probably just as nervous as you are.

6) Stay away from volatile topics like religion, politics, etc. I know you know that, hee hee.... read the news headlines that day, so you can always fall back on current events. Even the weather is a fair topic. Phrase everything as a question: "Did you hear it's going to be 90 this weekend?"

I promise you, this gets easier with practice. Really, it does!

Maya

Veteran

Wow, 25 thoughtful replies and here I have to deliver the news that I might not even be able to go! It just occurred to me that it will be after I start my new 3 week stint this week. I don't know what their working hours are yet, but I'm sure it would require me leaving early and I'm not sure that's a great idea. This job is so far the only real solid lead I have.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I'm sure they'll understand that you have to leave early, Maya. You really need to go to this social for the thousand reasons that have been stated already, Otherwise, no more cupcakes for you.

Isabel

Veteran

GO, GO, GO !!

Your parents are right. Additionally, the way to get used to not be so shy is to practice. Seriously. THere is a great book out there on conversation starters. The key is to focus on the other person. Ask them questions about themselves. What do you do ? How did you get into it ? What was your first job ? etc.

Maya

Veteran

But I love cupcakes

I just don't want to think I'm not taking them seriously or I'm more loyal to my internship.

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