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catgirl

Veteran

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General

34 replies

Latest reply was from teeandcee

Anonymous

OMG I so hate group gifts to begin with! Where do people get off deciding what someone needs/ wants and then trying to "collect" from everyone else? Grrrrr! I would be as hands off with this as you possibly can. Let her do what she will do. You did your best but she had her mind made up. I would stay out of the "collection" process too, and not feel compelled to contribute. Breathe, Una, breathe! You cannot control this woman (or the situation she is creating)!

Elly

Veteran

Maybe you could give your friends a heads up . . . I know you don't want to burden her, but she may be able to head it off at the pass (intercepting the gift) or deal with the outcome or situation better with a little warning.

Like Claire said, you've done your best to prevent it-- even if you were more aggressive that woman sounds like the type to ignore you and go right around you and do it anyway or take the conflict to your friends that are in crisis.

That is hard-- I know personally I wouldn't deal well if I was in his position . . . those type of things just make some people much more uncomfortable than appreciated, even without the implications of a possibly terminal illness.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I concur with Claire; I think that this situation is not your fault, and this is the type of person (the iPad buyer) that your initial friend (with the husband who is sick) is trying to screen out. If she is going to the airport to confront these friends, I don't think you can stop her; but if she asks you for additional "support" I would decline firmly.

Amy

(website)

Veteran

Oh, Una, that's a toughie. I agree with the other ladies that you're probably going to have to let this one go.

By offering to handle communications, you're already helping out in a HUGE way. I can't believe how many people were constantly calling and checking in on my parents while I was there (my father is very ill). And while it's nice people are concerned, it can be exhausting trying to keep up with all of their phone calls and emails, and well-meaning gifts and visits.

You probably can't control the ipad lady, but could you perhaps give her a phone call instead of trying to communicate with her via email and gently explain the situation to her? If you do, whatever you do, don't argue with her. If she insists, let it go and then call your friend's wife to give her a heads up.

Finally, it may be too late now, but it's always a good idea to put a group email list into the BCC field to prevent someone like this from gaining control of the mailing list and forcing their agenda forward.

You're such a wonderful friend. I wish I could give you a hug.

rae

(website)

Veteran

Ack, I totally know the husband's personality, and this does seem like something that would reinforce his feeling of being out of control - he is already out of control enough. Since you are so sure it would upset him, if it were me... honestly, I would probably fib and say that your friend & her husband specifically asked you to make sure gifts were sent afterward. If it is just coming as your opinion, the iPad gifter can easily brush it aside, but if it is the wish of the patient himself, that is hard to ignore.

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

At least call your friend and give her a heads up...maybe she can cordon the gift and not let her hubby know about it...

christieanne

Veteran

I'm sorry you and your friends are having to deal with this meddling person when there is so much more important things to focus on. I wish your friends the most positive of trips and vibes for the next phase of things.

Fruitful

Veteran

Oh, Una, I have no advice - only commiseration! I have people in my life just like this IPad buying woman Help is only help when it fulfils someone's needs as defined by them. I agree letting the wife know may be good - he does not need this aggravation!

Deborah

Veteran

Una I agree with Amy's suggestions. I have experienced a situation like this and the person who was the equivalent of your iPad lady managed to cause some dissent among friends and almost derail a wonderfully strong support network for our ill friend. Thankfully we were all able to see the big picture and began to bypass this person in order to continue supporting our friend according to her needs. I am sure your friends friends will also be sensitive and not easily led by this person. I would let your friend know. In our case we didn't say anything to our sick friend (who is well now) but as it turns out she kind of knew and we talked about it afterwards.

Sylvie

Veteran

Are you willing to be the bad guy with ipad lady? Will your friend and the other people on the list all back you up?

In that case, I'd call her and say: "Crazylady, I wanted to give you a heads up before you gave them the ipad. You are so so sweet to think of coordinating this lovely gift for them, but there's something you should know. When they talked to me about sending out the earlier email, they really wanted people not to give them surprise gifts or anything they didn't specifically ask for. They know they're going to be asking for a lot of help and they know people really really want to help, so they felt that with such good friends, they could just be honest and specific and ask for what they needed. "Friend's DH" is such an anti-technology nut that an ipad may not be the best thing to give him right now. We don't want their friends to be overextended either with chipping in for an ipad as well as giving other help they may need in the future, such as running errands or providing meals. I know that you just want to give them the ipad to show your love for them, but could you hold off till they get back and ask them if it's something they want?"

Ok, that got long. This may or may not set off the crazy lady. Or you can just give your friend a heads up, as Amy suggests.

anne

Veteran

I have been trying to put into words my thoughts and now I don't have to - Sylvie has done it!!!

Might be too late by now.

My commiserations on the situation

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

Well done Sylvie! I feel it's ok to ask iPad buyer to hold off on the gift. How can you (gently, channeling Sylvie) tell her that the sick friend would be stressed with an iPad, not being a tech guy?

Looking at it differently, perhaps your sick friend's spouse or children or siblings would love the iPad, maybe it would help pass the stressful time waiting at the Mayo clinic. Having a sick person is so hard on family members. Dying might be the hardest thing a human goes through, but watching and waiting for a loved one to transition to an inevitable place is unquestionably difficult as well.

Kiwichik

Veteran

A great suggestion from Sylvie and if IPAD Lady chooses to ignore your advice then so be it - you have done all you can. Give your friend a heads up and then leave everything up to IPAD lady.

ManidipaM

Veteran

Wow!!! I would not want to be in your shoes, Una, and I ordinarily love those!

I think I'm 100% behind Amy here: "You probably can't control the ipad lady, but could you perhaps give her a phone call instead of trying to communicate with her via email and gently explain the situation to her? If you do, whatever you do, don't argue with her. If she insists, let it go and then call your friend's wife to give her a heads up.

Finally, it may be too late now, but it's always a good idea to put a group email list into the BCC field to prevent someone like this from gaining control of the mailing list and forcing their agenda forward."

AND Sylvie's template seems by far the best tone to take for getting results and heading off others at the pass. Often in these situations, one person calls for a gift and contributes, then someone else decides they must show equal initiative... and you know how *that* ends!

Mona

Veteran

I only read this just now. I hope things went well. THis surely is a tricky situtation to be in.

Mona

Veteran

I only read this just now. I hope things went well. THis surely is a tricky situtation to be in.

Anonymous

100% with Silvie too.The silver lining is that I am glad your friend is being shown support, if even in such an odd way. NYC must be a cold place ( or I have the wrong friends).

RoseandJoan

Veteran

WHO, rushes off to the airport baring gifts at a time like that?

I like to think iPad ladies intentions are good even if she is a little misguided by her actions. Una, know that you are not responsible in any way for what has occured, you are being a true friend and must be battling 1001 emotions of your own.

I would hovever warn your friend of the rogue present to give her time to prepare.

teeandcee

Wow, I know someone like this. It's more important for a person like this to feel better about themselves than it is to honor the requests of those they claim to care about. I was on the receiving end of this type of pushy individual when I was in the hospital a few years ago. I ended up in the ICU and this person's only reaction was to get teary-eyed because I wouldn't allow gifts or visits. Grrrr.

I hope this works out for your friend in every way.

nancylee

Veteran

Ay Carumba! As someone who just went through a major health challenge with my husband, I know for a fact that your well-meaning friend is making a big mistake in meeting them at the airport with her gift. Any last-minute stress is bound to add to their feeling of being overwhelmed. In her zeal to "do something" she is placing her own personal desires over those of her friends, and putting them in an uncomfortable situation. You are a good friend, Una, to recognize and respect that your friends are in a scary and uncontrollable situation and are trying to hold on to whatever they can control. The very best thing you can do is respect the requests of those in such a difficult situation and suspend your own desires/judgment.

FWIW, my husband was in the hospital for 6 weeks....and that stay involved 2 different hospitals and 11 different hospital rooms. The more stuff we had to haul around (flowers, boxes of cookies, "gifts" of all sorts) the more of a hassle it was. Your poor friend is now going to have to juggle/pack one more thing at the airport now. *sigh*

Sona

Veteran

AG: just seeing this post. no idea what you ended up doing. just wanted to commiserate with you. I've taken care of many men and women with cancer and transplants. It is a very private time for most people and men especially tend to want to be alone and appear in control. That is only natural. My brother's father in law has a brain tumor and is undergoing radiation and chemo after surgery. His hair began to come off in clumps and he took my brother aside recently and said" you know my hair is falling. I think it is the shampoo I'm using. I plan to just shave my head bald". No mention of chemo/radiation or anything.
I'm just relating to his ( friend's DH) need for privacy and hoping that the gift situation is deflected.
I do think giving the wife a heads up is the way to go. As spouses we often know the best way to deal with a situation involving our spouse.

Hoping for a good outcome of this testy situation. please update us?

Hugs to you!

ironkurtin

Veteran

Aren't other people the funnest?

There is only so much you can do in this situation. Unfortunately you've been placed where you feel responsible for someone else's mental well-being, but without the actual power to control what other people do about it.

First, I suggest setting up a Caringbridge (or similar). This lets you administer a site, not people, so when people decide to do something they *think* is great, it doesn't pass through you. Also when people post, "OMG, I bought you a Great Dane puppy to help you through this!" others can respond - privately, if need be.

Second, accept that other people have different sensitivity radars. I do think this woman is trying to be helpful in her own (probably misguided) way, so with any luck, perhaps it will be taken that way. I can't help but think trying to end-run her actually causes more stress than taking her ipad and quietly donating it to a good cause when the time is right.

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

You've gotten lots of good advice here Una and I have nothing new to add. Just wanted to say I completely sympathize with your situation here and the difficulty in dealing with those the likes of iPad lady. I don't understand people who cannot listen and just go ahead and do their own thing without taking into consideration the needs and wants of others. I hope this all works out and I'm thinking of you.

Anonymous

Ahhh... I had to come back to this. Such a hard thing to face. I mean, I think Ipad lady figured with all of the traveling and the fact that they are away from home, an ipad will help them to stay connected. I can see the logic behind it and the good intentions too. I hope the issue was resolved in the least aggravating way possible.

I had friends going thru very difficult situations over the years, it is hard to find a balance between caring "too much" and looking like you are not as supportive.

ManidipaM

Veteran

Zap, I have a slightly different suspicion --- that more than the travelling/away from home aspect, the assumption on iPad Lady's part could be that they need a device to be directly connected to friends and well-wishers, as opposed to connected via Una!

The poor overburdened family are probably using technology as their excuse to gain some privacy and respite from endlessly talking about or responding to talk about the situation, while this lady is hoping this new tech will remove the middle(wo)man. The friend is either not thinking this through too well or bad at taking hints, which is why a gentle explanation might really help... I hope!

IK, you made me giggle despite the sadness of the situation, with this image of Una haring off to the airport to quite literally tackle iPad Lady in an end run!

Anonymous

Oh, Una, I hate it when someone thinks they're being "helpful" when they're really just being pushy and controlling and emotionally tone deaf! Grrrrrrr! No advice but lots of sympathy coming from me.

catgirl

Veteran

OMG, thank you all SO much. All this insight was spot-on! I am in tears at the amount of support here - I guess I didn't realize how stressed I'VE been about my friend and her family. Between helping and putting on a cheerful face for her kids, it's been rougher than I was willing to admit. This friend is like a sister to me, and I've known her kids since birth, so it's like seeing a family member suffer.

The update from yesterday is that another very close friend returned from a trip and called me last night to catch up. I trust her judgment, so I asked if she knew the gifter in question and she basically confirmed that this person is not one to listen to reason. So I let it go and wrote my friend a quick note along the lines of "Sorry I wasn't able to intercept this one, hope you and DH will make the best of things and not let it stress you - get some use out of it."

The gifter also emailed me to gush about how much an iPad helped her to stay connected when she was ill. So I do think it is really well-intentioned but also as Manidipa said, aimed at forcing these friends to be more "connected" than they wish to be rather than honoring who they really are. (After all, they moved out to a remote rural town on purpose!)

I hope it will be a blessing in disguise for them. The last thing they need is to feel like their support network is bickering or needs to be managed somehow.

IK, I've offered to set up a CB site for them but friend's DH wants to keep things under wraps as much as possible for now. I think it would really help my friend, but I'm not about to push anything right now that is not just what they want.

Nancylee, thank you so much for sharing your experience - I thought of you and your situation when this happened. I do hope everything continues to improve for your DH and that you are getting some respite.

rae

(website)

Veteran

Yikes. At least you were able to warn them. Perhaps they can conveniently become impossible to find at the airport?

Geez, your friends already tried to separate themselves from everything by putting you in there as a barrier - you would think that says, "please respect our privacy" loud and clear. :T

MsMary

Veteran

Looks like this was all resolved before I got to pitch in my two cents! Una, you are so fab for doing all this and I hope you will get a chance to do a little self-care of your own in the next day or so! Mani-pedi, anyone? Wine? Tea? I wish I were there so I could take you out for whatever you need! XXX OOO

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