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ot: embaressing dating question

yublocka

(website)

Veteran

Ok guys, I am embaressed to ask this here because it shows my complete cluelessness about dating etc. I haven't "dated" in over 12 years, and even then, not much beforehand! Reading the thread about your SO and their style choices makes me realise what a wealth of relationship experience you guys have too. It's not all about clothes!

I went on not 1, but 2 dates this week (white jeans outfit was for 2nd date at a movie :). My question feels like it should be easy to answer, but how do you know if you actually like someone? I don't dislike the guy I went out with, but I don't know whether I "like" him either. My flatmate says you should get butterflies and be all giggly. I don't think I have ever been like that around a guy in my life (I certainly can't remember them 12 years ago), and I certainly can't imagine it ever happening now.

Is that truly how it should be if you like someone or is everyone different? Does that mean going out with this dude is a waste of time if I don't feel that way? I guess I'm worried that's never going to happen to me as it sure hasn't yet!

I can't believe I am posting a question like this here...apologies if it is TMI!! I just want to know if I'm alone in never getting butterflies before!

tam

General

32 replies

Latest reply was from yublocka

marianna

Veteran

I don't get butterflies. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now, and when I first met him I knew I wanted to see him again... but there were no butterflies! I'm sort of anti-social and like being by myself, so the fact that I wanted to see him again and actually liked his company was a big hint that I liked him.

Anonymous

I believe you're over thinking it. Just enjoy the dinner and the movie and see if this guy is someone you want to be friends with.
If you go all gaga over a guy it usually means infatuation which will get you nothing but trouble, like an addiction.

Maya

Veteran

This is what I meant when I said girls get all overanalytical!

Tam, just take things as they come and don't *think* so hard about it. Go out, enjoy yourself, and have fun. If nothing else, you'll have made a friend. I mean, you have only been out with the guy twice. I have only ever had the giggly, butterfly-y sensation once (and it ended in soul-crushing heartache), but it took quite a long time to get to that point. I think it's really weird when some of my friends profess to have a huge crush after meeting a guy once or twice, but then, I'm not really a mushy or romantic person and I don't believe in soulmates, love at first sight, or anything like that. Some people do.

I think if I waited around for the butterflies to hit, I'll probably be single for the rest of my life (although that seems to be the trend at the moment). I'm just not that type of person.

If you enjoyed your dates with this guy and had a good time, just keep going with it. You don't have to marry him or anything. There is no pressure or urgency!

yublocka

(website)

Veteran

Thanks for setting me straight guys. That's what I was thinking too but started freaking out when my flatmate was telling me about the butterflies. I'm going to ignore the whole butterfly issue for now. I have never been a butterfly person anyway! And now I've watched a movie with a dude other than A...thats a 12-year first so its one hurdle crossed

cciele

Veteran

Congrats on crossing that hurdle, Tam! I agree that you shouldn't overthink it; just enjoy yourself!

As far as "waste of time" goes, I guess it all depends on what your goal is. Have fun going out with someone you enjoy being with? Well, if it was fun, then that's great and not a waste of time. Some women (not saying you are) though feel the biological clock ticking, so their criteria of "waste of time" would be different from yours.

Maya

Veteran

That's a big hurdle Tam! I'm actually really impressed with you. You bounced back pretty quickly given how long your relationship went on and how suddenly the end came. That shows immense maturity and optimism. I'm glad you are fully enjoying your new life and didn't stay down for long. You'll find someone who is worthy of you in no time at all (especially with those fierce shoes :p)

Kari

Veteran

Tam, that is awesome that you are getting out and meeting people. I hope that living in a new city and beginning a new job has given you a fresh lease on life - it definitely sounds like you have recovered your upbeat attitude. Big hugs to you.

Last time I was in the "new date" pool - actually, dating through Craigslist ads, if you can believe that - I knew that I didn't want to get involved with someone if I knew there would be a "roadblock" that would prevent us from getting serious down the line. Nothing too picky, but I just was only interested in meeting guys who shared my major values.

Besides that, I just enjoyed the process of talking with guys to see if we hit it off, had much in common, and (crucial for me) could really carry out a conversation and were able to laugh about the same things together. Butterflies weren't really on my radar - I'm nervous enough when meeting new people anyway. I really lucked out in that the first guy I met in person out of that "dating pool" ended up completely meeting this critera - we've been together ever since.

An

Tam, you don't strike me as the giggly and butterflies type of gal (I mean that as an absolute compliment)! Like the others, I say enjoy yourself and get to know him. You'll soon know if you don't want to keep seeing him. Love the white jeans outfit!

yublocka

(website)

Veteran

Cathy I mean "waste of time" more in the sense that if you either like someone or you don't, why spend time with people you don't? Life is too short. But if you don't know if you like someone then how does it work? Again with the overthinking!!

Aww thanks Maya, I don't really feel like I've bounced back. Can you believe its 5 months? Time flies. I'm closer to being the old me though I think!!

Kari I'm enjoying the new city yes! The meeting people bit is not so easy, but hopefully I'll get there. Early days yet. Wow I didn't know craigslist was used for dating.I don't think that website is big in Australia yet (or maybe I am just behind the times). Glad it worked so well for you though!!

Thanks An I think you are right! I'm just going to go with the flow for now and see what happens!

Theresa

(website)

Veteran

Oh Tam that is such a great question you know... I've been single now for about 18mths after being with someone for almost 12 yrs, so if I ever get a date again, this is the type of thing I'd no doubt be wondering too!

Sounds like fun to actually go on a date though - and what better reason to show of your gorgeous wardrobe!

Rosie

Veteran

I know how easy it is to over-think things and worry about how things are going at every step of the way. Advice is much easier given than carried out, but definitely try to relax! I did want to say something about the butterflies - I have certainly had them in the past, and I always seem to look for them and worry if they are not there. But, the reality is that one can feel like that and really not know the other person at all!

Towards the end of 2009 I started dating two guys, and I was ga-ga over one of them, and the other I wasn't sure about. Sure enough, after a month or two or getting to know them as people and not just who I wanted them to be, I came to discover that the guy I was initially not as into was a better fit. He's not everything I've dreamed my Prince Charming would be, but he has some amazing qualities I need in a partner - I never would have discovered this if I went by my butterflies.

Have fun with it!!!!

Louise

Veteran

I didn't get butterflies and we've been together 10 years. If fact i seem to recall feeling a bit like you not sure if i even liked him!!! x

Kristine

Veteran

I think friendship is one of the important factors to base a relationship on. Sometimes butterflies means physical attraction, but not much beyond the surface. Butterflies can even backfire with strong passion turning to strong hatred when things go sour. If you find him attractive and he treats you well, give him a chance and see how it develops.

Isabel

Veteran

I agree with most of the other ladies. I think that "butterflies" are more cinematic than real life. I honestly believe that so many women end up in bad relationships because they believe in soulmates and butterflies and so on. Honey, I spend more time researching the purchase of bicycleb than a friend of mine does men. The result, I have a great bike, she has had 5 disastrous relationships since.

We develop friendships over time, why not love interests. Unless you feel an overwhelming gut reaction to run, I say wait and see if it develops.

I heard some one day the other day - even if you are lucky to find a "soulmate" it doesn't mean he is "compatible".

My husband did not give me butterflies. I wasn't even attacted to him at first. But he is/was a great man. Honest, kind, giving, extremely good to my sister ( who is disabled ) and wonderful to his family. After 20 years, he gives me the butterflies now and he's cuter than Brad Pitt.

hanna

(website)

i'll be one of the minority and confess that my guy still gives me butterflies. but our story is a little different -- we were best friends before we began dating, and then one day suddenly he held my hand, and something started fluttering in my stomach...

but then again, i am the complete opposite of maya and am a total mushy person!

that being said, a lack of butterflies doesn't mean a dang thing. you're definitely overthinking this :). just go with the flow -- if you like hanging out with the guy, it can't hurt to keep seeing him. and yes, i do think you're incredible for taking these steps to find your old self again, and i can't wait to see her reemerge!

Rosie

Veteran

Hanna, I think your sweet story makes a good point. It shows that sometimes the butterflies occur much further down the road for some, when you really know someone and all of a sudden see him in a different light. The qualities that Isabel mentions are ones that often take a while to see in a person, and that are, ultimately, what makes a good partner.

Maya

Veteran

Oh Hanna, your story isn't a "confession!" As I said, I did get the butterfly effect (terrible movie, by the way) just once...but it was the same situation as yours. It happened after YEARS of friendship. It didn't happen after 2 dates! I'm not mushy, but I'm not a robot either :p

I try not to talk about dating, relationships, etc. with certain friends because I feel like a lot of women I know who are now in their late 20's and older still behave and think like teenage girls and it drives me up the wall. I can't deal with it. Instead of being compassionate and full of sage advice, I just get fed up with them and wish they would grow up. Many times I can actually understand why their significant others dumped them...but that would be mean for me to say out loud! They just have such unrealistic expectations. Guys don't like drama and I wish more women realized that!

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

I couldn't agree more with the ladies...at this point, the best barometer is simply whether or not you enjoy the guy's company. Is conversation strained or relatively easy? Does he make you laugh/provide intellectual stimulation/do whatever it is that pushes your conversational buttons? Butterflies are by no means the only indicator. The man I loved most in the world was my friend for years before we got together, and then like Hanna something clicked for me and I fell head over heels. We split a couple of years later, and it causes me considerable pain to this very day. I get butterflies when I think back to that happier time, but they're not the sort you want, believe me. I've never in my life been attracted to someone on a first or second meeting; for me it always takes awhile. I guess the point of this rambling response is to say that your roommate's perspective is not the only one and you have to trust your instincts on this.

Incidentally, I'm incredibly impressed at how well you seem to have bounced back. After my most devastating breakup, I was nowhere near dating, let alone responsibly making major life decisions, within five months. I admire you tremendously.

And quote of the day goes to Isabel: " Honey, I spend more time researching the purchase of bicycles than a friend of mine does men. The result, I have a great bike, she has had 5 disastrous relationships since."

RoseandJoan

Veteran

On a second date I would expect to know, do I find you physically attractive? Have I enjoyed your company? Not much more.

With my my husband I was absolutely infatuated for the first 18 months and then the relationship developed in a different direction. I consider your soul mate to be your best friend with extras so in that regards I have a soul mate.

BUT there is no right or wrong way to start a relationship and many ways to sustain one. I would just try to enjoy yourself.

medusa

Veteran

Tam, I'm just echoing what others have said - first dates are stressful enough, no need to make it worse by analyzing it so much that you freak out! Give it time, see how it develops. If you enjoyed a date and want to see the guy again, then do!

Remember that dating can also help you find friends. There may be guys you meet that you don't want to date but still like. So you could think of this process as literally "meeting people" (finding friends), not just trying to find your soul mate. Maybe that would take the pressure off a bit.

Ele

(website)

I don't have much more to add here, but have loved reading everyone's responses to your question, Tam! Seriously, we have so many intelligent, kind and funny women here.

I did feel "the butterflies" when I met my BF- I felt them the first time I made eye contact with him. But do I think that that initial attraction is the reason we got together, or are still together? Of course not- relationships take time and attention and nurturing if they're going to work. Butterflies can just be an initial clue that you might like someone, or they can come later, like others have said. Everyone is different and every relationship is different. You could even get butterflies for one guy and not for another, yet either could make great potential partners! I'm all for ignoring butterflies (or the lack of them), taking things slowly and getting to know someone with a level head. That's what I did

Oh, and I also think you're amazing and so strong for how you handled the last few months. I actually shed a few tears when I read your thread about your breakup (yes, I'm a loser) because I was sure that in the same position I would completely break down. You're an inspiration xo

Patience

Veteran

You ladies are all awesome! I haven't been in the dating pool in well over 12 years either, but this is great advice. When I first started dating my husband, I told myself I would never marry him and here we are. There are so many facets to a relationship that get developed over time and I think butterflies are just one facet that may start from the beginning or take a long time to get to. At this point-- are you happy, are you having fun?

Susan

(website)

Tam, I want to echo the other ladies thoughts. I am newer to the forum and I don't know your story, but congrats again for getting back out there. It's an important step. Recognize how important that is and be nice to yourself! It's not an easy process.
I think there is a tendency to compare our experiences with others, which is fine, but it's important to remember that everyone is different, and there is no "right" way for a relationship to begin. If you like this gentleman's company, you should meet with him. If it's not pleasant or if it's stressful, end it.
As for butterflies, I did feel them when I met my fella, but I was at an emotionally tumultuous time in my life. Plus, I am quite emotionally quick to react, while my husband is more steady, rational, and unrushed about everything. You may have an emotional style like my partner.
Good luck! The key thing is the have fun and to share yourselves with others.

Kristen

(website)

Veteran

First off, good luck!

This is how I knew I wanted to be with my husband: when I kept thinking of jokes or snappy one-liners in situations, or I would see something weird/hilarious/cool, and I would think, "I gotta tell R!" It was like I was having conversations with him when he wasn't even there, and the conversations we did have when we were together were completely fun and spontaneous and comfortable.

Find a guy who makes you feel like THAT, and forget about the butterflies.

yublocka

(website)

Veteran

You guys are THE BEST, handsdown. I have really enjoyed reading each and every response. I'm officially chilling out now. Who knows what will happen, who cares....only time will tell!

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

That's the spirit, Tam! *encouraging hugs* just enjoy yourself!

cciele

Veteran

Yay, Tam! Thanks for feeling comfortable enough with us to ask the question in the first place

yublocka

(website)

Veteran

Thanks for sharing your own experiences with me!

Laura

(website)

Veteran

Oh no, I am late here but had to pipe in that everyone's advice is so wise, and the number-one thing in my book is, can you be yourself with him? You will know that pretty fast. Same thing as the others said, of course, about feeling comfortable in conversation, etc., but another way to think about it.

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