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OT: dealing with grief

Kirti

(website)

Veteran

I didnt know if I should share this here, but my grandfather died yesterday morning. I havent ever dealt with the death of a close family member before and it is really tough, especially since I am so far away from home. I spent all of yesterday and most of today crying and trying to make myself come to terms with it. Then, hubs took me to the mall, just to cheer me up. I'm glad I have him for support, but the sadness is much greater than I expected. One second I'm okay and the next, I remember something about him and get teary eyed.

What do you do when you're feeling so low? I wish I could be home with my mom and grandmom, but of course I cant.

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37 replies

Latest reply was from Inge

Claudia

Veteran

Personally, I think the best way to deal with grief is to fully experience it and let it out as you feel it. Just grieve and talk about your memories, etc. all you need and want to.

I am sorry about your loss and for your family's loss. It must be very hard to be so far away from your loved ones, especially at a time like this. Hugs.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I agree with Claudia. Give yourself time and know that this is a process -- there is no timetable, no rules. Each person feels and expresses their grief in different ways. Be kind to yourself, and reach out to others.

Sadly, I am familiar with the process, having lost both of my parents. It's been 20 years since my dad, and 3 years since my mom, and It gets easier with time, but never easy.

Hugs to you.

Kristin L

Veteran

I am truly sorry for your and your family's loss. Y'all will be in my thoughts and prayers. And sending you big hugs.

Like Janet and Claudia said, there's no set time for how long you'll feel grief and when you should stop. Just let it happen and be prepared for it, like always have tissues on hand. I'm not sure if this will work for you, but you can try just sitting down with DH and telling him storied you remember about your grandfather. Everything you feel is normal and will get better with time (I'm sorry about the use of this cliche, but when I lost my grandmother, it felt very true).

Aziraphale

Veteran

No advice (I've never lost anybody close -- I wasn't that close to my grandparents -- so I don't know how to handle grief), just wanted to send sympathetic thoughts your way. I am so sorry for your loss.

christieanne

Veteran

So sorry for your loss Kirti - I wish we could all give you a big hug.
It is very hard to say what you should expect during this time as we all deal with our grief in different ways and stages.

All of my grandparents and DH grandparents and most of their generation have passed away. I was away from home and could not attend the funeral for my grandfather and it was very sad for me as I couldn't spend time talking about my memories with family and friends much.
Do what feels right to you as far as expressing how you feel. There aren't any right or wrong ways to experience grieving.

My thoughts are with you and know that you can always share what you need to here.

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Kirti - I'm so sorry you've lost your Grandfather. It is so difficult to lose a loved one. Having lost my beloved father-in-law at the end of October, I have learned the grieving is a process and just needs to take its time. After the initial overwhelming feeling of loss, my husband and I both found the grief came in waves - like you've said, one minute ok and the other, crying. You just need to let yourself feel what you feel. Find comfort in beautiful memories you have of him and love each other as only family can.

Sending my thoughts, prayers and hugs to you and yours Kirti.

MsMary

Veteran

Oh, Kirti, I'm so sorry for your loss! I agree with what others have said -- unfortunately, you just have to feel this way until you don't feel this way any more! And it will come and go, and it may feel very fresh for longer than you expect. And all of that is perfectly normal and perfectly okay!

Be good to your sweet self and ride it out!

HelenInCanada

Veteran

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, Kirti. Grieve for as long as you need to...it's still so early, of course you will be feeling very sad. No rush to bop around. Take your time - and you are fortunate to have a supportive DH there with you. If you're able to call home daily, do so. I lost all of my grandparents - although only one (my grandma on my father's side) was I very close to. I understand it hurts! All the best.

cheryl

Veteran

I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending hugs your way.

catgirl

Veteran

Kirti, I am so sorry for your loss. My grandfather moved from India to live with us in the US, but he went back to India for a visit, got ill, and died there. The hardest thing for me was even accepting that he was gone. It just seemed like he was taking a really long time to come back from his trip.

Please let yourself grieve as needed. It is not easy but it is a process that can't be cut short. I hope you're talking to your family and consoling each other too. Tell your husband stories about your grandfather or write them down for yourself. Look at photos. Relive good memories. It will get a little easier with time, I promise.

Louise

Veteran

(((hugs))) x

harmonica

Veteran

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss! Allow yourself to grieve as you need. Cry, write, talk, read litterature, visit galleries, paint, draw, make photoes - these are all things that may help you in this process. The loss won't disappear, but it gets easier time by time (though there are no schedule for how long it takes - may come in heaps, then get better, then grieving time over again). Since you are far away from home and your family, hold on and include your husband in your grief. And stay in touch with your family by scype or e-mail if possible. Your grief is your love for your grandfather. Take care!

Janet

(website)

Veteran

P.S. I also wanted to say how lucky so many of you are to have known your grandparents, even with as hard as it is to lose them. My parents were older when they had me, so all of my grandparents were already gone when i was born, except for my mother's mother, who died when I was three, so I have literally no memories of grandparents at all. I count my blessings every day for having had my parents for as long as I had them.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Kirti, I'm so sorry. BIG hugs.

As others have said, the best and really the only thing to do is acknowledge your feelings and live through them. Grief always seems to go in waves, and that sense you have of sometimes being perfectly okay and other times being shockingly raw and vulnerable may continue for a while. But it is actually a very healthy process. You are not broken, and someday you will be able to think of him without the sting.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your Grandpa - and I wanted to say that I know what it's like to be far from home when something like this happens.

Last Februrary, one of my Grandmas passed away, and there was just no way I could get to the funeral. In the meantime, I also experienced a level of sadness that seemed huge and overwhelming, even though my Grandma had been dealing with long-standing Alzheimers and/or dementia, and had been living in a long-term-care facility for about a decade.

It was supposedly 'expected', but it still hurt a whole lot.

The only advice I can give you is that it might be really worth your while to write a poem or a story to be read at your Grandpa's service.

I think it's important to be able to share memories with the rest of your family, and if you can't be there in person, then writing something - whether it's read at the memorial service/funeral, or just shared with close family members - this will go a long, long way to feeling connected and it also helps you find a way to explain to everyone else just how much your Grandpa meant to you.

Like I said, I couldn't be there when my Grandma passed away, but what I did is gather up all kinds of photographs on my computer, turned them into a slide show (just for myself), and I then found all of her favourite songs/music on You Tube - I listened to her favorite songs, looked at lots of photos and ended up writing something that was read at her funeral/memorial service. I got a phone call, mid-way through her service, and it was my Mom, saying that everyone loved what I wrote and that they had gotten to know my Grandma through my eyes, that everyone was crying and they thought that what I had written was beautiful.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's time to share with the rest of your family how much your Grandpa meant to you - and that by telling your own stories and sharing your memories, you are bringing him to life in a way that only you can do. It'll turn out that you have some memories and experiences about your Grandpa that no one else has, and I'm certain that the rest of your family would *love* to hear these things, even if you can't be there in person.

Sending some really big hugs.

Anonymous

Many hugs, Kirti. Having lost all my grandparents, my parents, and some very dear aunts and friends, it's hard. Even when you know that someday you will see them again, you want them now. It's helped me to know that they are in a far better place, happy and free from pain and disease. It's also comforting to me to "talk" to them when I need to. May you have many wonderful memories.

Debora

Veteran

Kirti, I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with what the others said, and I know it must be especially hard for you being so far away. Take the time you need to grieve, remember the good times, and know that you are in our thoughts. Hugs!

Anonymous

Kirti, big hugs! It sound like you are not just dealing with grief, but with homesickness as well--a double whammy! I'm glad you have your DH and he is doing his best to cheer you up. Be patient with him; he might not understand how you feel, but it's so sweet that he's trying to make it all better for you (even though he really can't). You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

ManidipaM

Veteran

I'm so sorry, Kirti.

Glad you did choose to share, because I know the feeling and it was so hard when my grandmother passed away to not have anyone I could remember her with or to. 'To' helps too, as others have said --- feel free to talk about him. That acknowledgement of what you have lost and what you had already gained of him is an important and crucial step.

Like others have said, I too found it more useful to acknowledge and engage with the memories and mementos than to try to 'get over it'. And you'll find you have ones you barely knew you had --- hence the waves of grief... Suddenly you see a colour or a shape, and a barely formed memory triggers...!

It IS hard, of course, and very painful --- but in some ways, like getting stitches in the surgery, it all helps you heal, cementing the past you shared with him to the future you won't. It's as though a nascent part of the brain kicks in, realizing before you consciously do that opportunities for building more memory around this person are vanishing, and tries to consolidate the existing memories by attaching it to seemingly random things in the present, even to future plans. Actively sorting through old memories, photographs, keepsakes seems to help with that.

I wish you peace and time and rest in your grief. The worst thing I know of being plagued with in a bereavement is stress and lack of leisure that short-circuits the healing. So make sure you take any time and help, company and solitude you're offered.

AJ

Veteran

Kirti, my condolences to you and your family. As others have mentioned, I find it very helpful to share and hear memories with family members and friends. Please allow yourself to grieve as long as you need to. Big hugs to you!

Anonymous

Hi Kirti,
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I am glad you have your husband supporting you. I think grieving is a process, you have to allow yourself to feel this way. I'm sending you a million hugs. Hang in there. My deepest condolences to you and your loved ones.

Kirti

(website)

Veteran

Thank you all for your lovely comments. All your kind words and hugs and advice have really helped me feel like it is normal to feel this way. I'm sure it will dull with time, but right now when my mom and grandmom are so far away, I am feeling lost and sad and it is really good to have friends like you all that I can share it with. Hubs has been a great support too.

Again, thank you!

Mona

Veteran

I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs and prayers.

Fruitful

Veteran

Kirti, I'm so sorry you've lost your Grandpa.

I believe ritual is a human need, especially at times of crisis (why rites of passage are universal). This is a passage, both for him and for you.

When my grandfather died about 6 years ago, we had to drive 1.5 hours on a hot day, view the body, drive to the church, drive to the cemetery, drive to the wake, drive to Auntie's house, and drive back home. Although the sharing of memories and tears and laughter and hugs, and the very humanising sharing of food, were all precious, an important part of the process was all that "doing". By the end of the day we were exhausted, emotionally and physically drained. Yet also a little lighter for it.

After driving home we sat on our verandah with my then 2 year old, talking, and just surrendering to the beauty around us. Dusk was coming, and although we usually don't see them, a possum appeared on a telephone cable. My little one was very excited. As decimating as the day had been there was space for hope, and relief, and love of life.

I believe the ritual, the sharing, but also the fatiguing work, of a funeral is cathartic. Because you are separated physically from your grieving loved ones, it may be important for you to find a creative way to connect with them and participate in ritual. I love VelvetyChocolate's suggestions and think they could be a great way for you to do this. I'm glad you've got your DH with you; he must be a great support.

{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

Kirti, hugs! I am so sorry for your loss!
You going through a hard time and the only thing which will help you is time. I have lost my favorite grandmother when I was close to your age (26). I remember having mixed feelings at that time. She had cancer and was suffering immensely for the last year of her life. It was so hard to see her suffer and have no means to ease her pain that on one hand her death came as a relief, knowing that she is at peace at last and does not feel this excruciating pain anymore. Then the next moment I would remember her face or some episodes from my childhood with her and would be all in tears. Having my family around helped a lot as well - we talked and shared memories and it seemed to ease the pain. But in the end it is time that heals...
Hugs again and don't try to suppress your grief, it should help to heal faster.

nancylee

Veteran

I am so sorry for your loss, Kirti. My father died very suddenly (and too young) 12+ years ago, and the grief and shock was overwhelming. Grief is such an unpredictable emotion. It tends to rise up and catch you by surprise sometimes....just when you think you're doing "ok." And everyone grieves differently.

Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve for as long as you need. There is no time limit and there are no rules. Sending you love and a big hug.

Diana

Veteran

((Hugs)) The others have already given all the advice (and much more, in fact) that I would be able to give, but I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your loss.

Meredith1953

Veteran

Kirti,
I am so sorry you lost your grandfather. I lost a grandmother I was very close to in 2001 and then the next year I lost my father who my whole family adored. It was a very dark time emotionally for me trying to feel the grief but not let it keep me from other duties and responsibilities I had. Work was kind of my salvation for putting aside the grief for awhile. My mother has moved to my town (where my sisters live also) and we take joy in the relationships we still have. Much of the pain has subsided but not all of it. Now we try to focus on all the wonderful memories. We talk about "Babs" (my mom's mom) and "Daddy" as if they were just in another room.

missvee

Veteran

I know I'm late chiming in but I'm sorry for your loss. I was about 13 when my grandmother died, and like you I hadn't experienced death before. I remember being so surprised that she had really gone and it made me feel very uneasy for a long time afterward. You've had some good advice from the other posters to allow your grief to come out, to talk about your grandmother and what she meant to you, and to be extra kind to yourself. We all understand the cycle of life, but it's hard when it hits close to home.

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