Older than what? (Rant!) - YouLookFab Forum

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Older than what? (Rant!)

Carla

Veteran

OK! So, earlier this week I was talking to my mom and mentioned I had my hair cut short, in part because I wanted to experiment with the short hair trend, and in part because I wanted to go 'natural' and get rid of the dyed/coloured hair.

Her comment to me was: "you know going grey is going to make you look 10 years older." I didn't pick up the bait, but the comment rankled. "10 years older than what?" My 54 years?

At my physical last June my doctor said "you have the body of a healthy active 35 year old." He was referring to my health stats after a complete work-up, and nothing about looks. (FWIW, I think I LOOK better now than I did when I was 35.)

We seem to live in a time of age confusion, and it pains me that there is even a question about what is 'age appropriate' or the idea that older = worse(?). I just want to look like the best ME that I can on any given day.

*rant off*

General

34 replies

Latest reply was from KikiG

crutcher

Veteran

"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you wuz?"...Great quote from Satchel Paige....

Firecracker (Sharan)

Veteran

Oh, boy--thanks, Mom! (My reaction to your mother's advice.) Geez. I think you'll look fabulous with your natural-colored hair. I agree with you completely: let's look our best, period. And stay as fit and healthy as we can.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Hmmm. I don't think this is about you at all.

I think maybe your mother is afraid of showing her own age. If her daughter is grey, she must really be "old."

You know what I also think? Our culture simply doesn't know what to do with or about aging people. We have no ways of making sense of it. What??? FIT and HEALTHY? Well, you must be "younger" than your years. Oh...grey hair?? Well, you must be "older" in that case.

Healthy, fit, yet greying people are a whole new category in the last twenty years, really. Oh, sure, they existed before, but not in such numbers.

AM

Veteran

Another thought, your mom lived in a different time when perhaps gray hair was paired with fewer fashion options -- and women became to stumble down a slippery slope. Where as today, we not only have vast options to keep our style fresh (even youthful) but we also have more knowledge about what our body needs to keep the energy of youth (movement/nutrition). We have more options to look like the best ME. It really is about the best ME.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

I think we're seeing this changing but it is ingrained in so many that you are expected to "hide" your age behind colored hair, plastic surgery, etc. Even at the cost of some pretty terrible results.

I feel that more and more adults are opting to go more natural, both with their beauty routines and with the foods they eat, the paint they use on their walls, the fabric they choose for their rugs, etc. I used to feel like the weird "health nut" because I shopped at Whole Foods and wanted organic foods and beauty products. Now it's mainstream.

Anonymous

My kids think I'm older than dirt, lol. At age 53, I certainly don't want to look 10 years older, so I fight it as best I can without resorting to plastic surgery - something I'd never consider unless in the case of disfigurement. That said, many women are deciding to go gray, and there are plenty of style options these days. There's even hair color to enhance your gray instead of cover it up.

rachylou

Veteran

I insulted my boss/friend who was 33 at the time, because I thought he was 55. He was just that stiff.

But don't worry. He gave as good as he got. When I showed up for the interview, he asked if I was there for the internship.

Anyways, moral of story: Age (decreptitude) = Uptightness

Summer

Veteran

I completely understand your need to rant.

gradfashionista

(website)

Veteran

I had the same reaction as both you and Suz, but I'm wondering if she thinks it'll make you appear less desirable to your partner/potential partners? Aside from how your looking "older" reflects on her, perhaps she's worried about possible ramifications on your romantic life? Ugh, I don't know. The comments I've heard from some of the men folk in my life are that short hair "makes women look older/less attractive," not the gray.

old chic

I think the impression grey hair creates is mostly in the eye of the beholder. It's shaped by the beholder's aesthetics and attitudes about aging. Of course, we also see our own hair and decide whether or not to color it, so it's probably safe to assume that the individual's choice reflects her own aesthetics and/or attitude. For myself, I favor graphic lines and dramatic color. So -- despite the fact that "going grey" would probably soften the appearance of my features, de-emphasize the lines in my face, and make me look a little bit younger from the head up -- I am conspiring with my colorist to stay "age-inappropriate" deepest black/brown until I can go brightest white.

Carla

Veteran

Wise women!

What a thought provoking quote, Crutcher.

Thanks, Firecracker.

Suz, I think you are on to something. Mom is an artist and was a beauty, and claims the loss of her looks is the hardest thing for her to bear. In snowboarding circles, avid 'older' boarders are called 'Grays-on-Trays"!

Good point, AM. Mom was more 'Mad Men' then 60's rebel. Throw in American Midwest Catholic upbringing. Not many options or role models for maturing in style.

Trailblazing of a sort, eh, Textstyle?

LOL! Grandfashionista, DH (married 30+ years) is a 'silver fox' and calls me his 'trophy wife' a double-entendre referencing my (not so secret) competitive sporting activities. He is kind of oblivious to a lot of the angst over looks.

Purposeful and part of a total package makes sense, Chic. I'm just personally liking the mixed metals look of my natural 'greying' red hair more than the dyed colour.

old chic

Gradfahionista, interesting observation about men's attitudes to short hair. That may be true, particularly with older men. My feminist side says that's just one more way to keep women down, making them feel inadequate unless they spend a half-hour styling their long hair every day.

gradfashionista

(website)

Veteran

I don't know. My father likes long hair, but did not grow up in a culture where women spent time styling their hair. I think for some men, being attracted to long hair is kind of a reflex attraction to "femininity", like being attracted to a particular waist-hip ratio. Obviously, and thankfully, this is not the case with many.
But I agree with you about styling: I never blow dry my hair because frankly, I can't afford the time commitment on such a frequent basis. Sure, my look suffers because of it, but I'm so used to not having stylish hair that it doesn't bother me too much. SO loves the hair in its longer state, but it wouldn't do in a corporate, professional setting.

gradfashionista

(website)

Veteran

And Runcarla, love, love, love the comment about the 'trophy wife' and your DH being oblivious to your angst toward your looks. 30 years! How wonderful.

Anonymous

I am 58 and my mantra is "The only person I need to impress is myself!" I cut my hair short when I was 40. Not just because it was easier, but I like short hair. Always have. The letting my hair go gray I am not sure about. I like my hair the dark sandy blonde I color it. I feel good and I look good in my mind and I do not care what others think.

My best friend of over 40 years keeps her hair long because her husband likes it that way. Before she was married at 35 she always wore her hair short and it looked great. She said that if it were up to her she would cut it short. Huh?! It is up to you, but she does everything her husband says. Luckily he is not married to me!

kkards

Veteran

Carla, I want to second the ideas put forth by suz and AM regarding your moms reaction, but I want to take it a step farther. Since you and I are about the same age, I'm assuming your mom is of the same generation as my mom. My guess is this is much much deeper than looks, fashion and styles, and it at its core about what it was like as a women "back in the day", and what it's like to be an old women today. My mom always tries to protect my and my sisters from what she went through, and I'm guessing your mom is the same.

Gaylene

Veteran

I agree with Suz that society hasn't caught up to the realization that aging isn't as easy to define these days, especially when it comes to women. I also think that, despite all our brave talk, my own generation of baby boomers is finding it much more difficult to move into the final stages of our lives than did our parents and grandparents. Maybe the miracles of modern medicine, exercise, diet, and cosmetic intervention have seduced us into thinking that "old age" can eliminated, or, at least beaten back, as long as our spirit stays "young" and "vibrant"? Defying conventions and expectations has become so ingrained in my generation, I often think I'm headed for a rather rude wake-up call when I no longer hear "you don't look XX"--because, let's face it, eventually I WILL look, and most likely feel, old if I'm lucky.

I know spending time in an assisted living facility, and later in a continuing care centre, with my mother in the last decade has changed a lot of my opinions about old age. Hiding or disguising one's age comes with a mighty big cost--and I'm not talking about dollars. The seniors that I encountered who seemed happiest were the ones who had made peace with their age instead of trying to hold on to a previous version of themselves. The phrase "age appropriate" didn't make them recoil in horror. Instead they met the challenges of aging (and there were plenty!) with courage and dignity--to be who they were at this point in their lives. As one elderly gentleman told me "old age isn't for sissies!"; I suspect he was right.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

"Not for sissies" sounds like a real understatement to me. I think old age — true old age, where infirmities accumulate— must be the hardest passage in any life (even if we are lucky to experience it). And nobody gives old people any credit.

Off topic, but has anyone read Being Mortal? That is an amazing book.

Old people are heroes. And middle aged people advancing toward old age are another kind of hero. Heroes in training.

kkards may have a point, Carla. Your mother may be trying to protect you. My hair is not an issue but my mother has been known to let similar remarks fall from her lips about weight (back when I was heavier).

chouette22

Veteran

I just watched this video excerpt on aging by Frances McDormand yesterday.
You might find it interesting.

Carla

Veteran

Gaylene, I think you have touched on the (tender) spot. I may be more reconciled to getting older than my mother, and as such the indicators of age are not so frightening. 25+ years of work in disability and health 'management' has maybe desensitized me to how scary dealing with infirmity can be, and I guess getting older = diminished quality of life to lots of folks. I don't see it that way, since I have daily examples of living gracefully regardless of abilities. Sometimes even young folks have tough rows to hoe!

Suz, another good point! My mother has always had thin hair and started colouring in her 30's. Maybe she is projecting something?

Weird biological story. I once read that the reason blonde hair was thought so attractive (to men) was because the contrast was similar to having white hair. White hair signified age/long life-an indicator of biological fitness when life spans weren't very long. So, the contrast of light hair (age) with a youthful body (reproductive fitness) became the desirable choice if you wanted to make sure your genes got around. This is all subconscious, of course!

Marilyn

Veteran

Ugh! You know, at this point I'm just trying to be my best self on my own terms. When I started getting grays some people "suggested" maybe dealing with them. And now that I use a demi to blend the grays I've had comments about why would I bother doing that. You really can't win.

Regarding men and short hair.....My 23 year old son also dislikes short hair on women so I'm not sure it's just an older men thing. He's had less than favourable comments when actresses like Jennifer Lawrence and Michelle Williams cut their hair. I think they look super cute.

Anonymous

Actually I read this a little differently - having a mother prone to delivering up all sorts of blunt and odd statements about appearance. All I read into that is looking unnecessarily older because of a particular hair choice. And I'm not sure anyone really wants to look unnecessarily older - do they? Or have I not read comments above discussing the political incorrectness of aging . Like it or not, especially in the working world, looking older than you are is not really a great thing - you are perceived as being out of it, or ready to retire and not worthy of being paid attention to. Anyways - perhaps I'm off on the wrong path here
p.s. my mother' s favourites include - have you lost weight ? (when no, I have not, nor do I need to) or, your hair looks so much better now (as opposed to???) and, the best one yet: do you need money for a new pair of jeans?

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Ha! Lisa, that is funny...maybe you should tell her you DO need money for the jeans, and if she can find you the perfect pair you will be forever in her debt?

The thing is....if a person's hair is actually grey (or greying), then she cannot possibly look "older" than her actual years if she refuses to cover it. She will look her actual age. And the suspicion therefore arises that women who dye their hair are in fact trying to look younger than their actual years.

Now, I do colour my hair. I like to say I'm not trying to look younger -- but maybe that's nonsense. I am trying not to look like my natural self. So what does that mean?

I do intend to stop colouring, by the way -- but similar to OldChic, I want to wait until the tone that my hair has turned is one that flatters me. At the moment, it's sort of betwixt and between and really no colour -- not blonde, not grey -- just greige. If I could get my mother's gorgeous mop of shiny pure white hair, I'd be okay with that.

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

I think the fact that most women dye their hair these days, or start to when they start going gray, has led to the association of gray hair with "really old" people, whoever that is, when the true fact of biology is that most people start going a little gray in their 30s or 40s. It's just that you don't see it 'in the wild' that much anymore, especially with women, so in our heads someone with gray hair must be a great-grandmother with a walker. Just like our collective expectation for hairless legs and private parts, but don't get me started on that...

Marilyn has a good point too - this is one of those things where everyone seems to have an opinion, well-thought-out or not, and you're pretty much going to be criticized by someone no matter what you choose to do or not do. (Beauty culture, double bind, internalized patriarchy and misogyny, etc., fill in the women's studies class bingo card as you go.)

Lulu

(website)

Runcarla- Getting older in the US is very difficult , we see all the ads with females (probably younger then one can imagine), and we are suppose to aspire to that???? The good news is that things are actually changing-you see older models, etc. I understand your frustation with your Mom. Hold your ground and stick to your guns. You seem to be strong woman, concentrate on your health, which seems to be Aone .
There are ways to go grey, with the help of a hairdresser , to gradually transition so it is not a shock to you, if you desire.

shedev

Veteran

I began to go grey at 24. Everyone in my family does early. I'm 45, and I'm still not ready. I think it's a very personal thing. Your mom's attitude toward greying feels generational to me.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

I am sure I would look younger if I colored my hair. Yes, especially to people who aren't really paying attention to me, who just sort of glance my way and see grey haired old woman. Without getting into cultural sub-group specifics, there are certain types that are almost definitely going to see me that way. These are the people your mother is talking about I suspect. I don't want to be younger, but I will not deny it takes some getting used to being referred to as old.

Echo

Veteran

I think I've mentioned this story before, but my aunt was the Mother of the Groom for her son's wedding (obviously). My mum showed me pictures since I had been unable to fly to attend (I was pregnant at the time). I commented that she looked great, as indeed she did. My mum said, "But doesn't she look OLD?" I clarified that I didn't say she looked YOUNG, I said she looked great. The two are not synonymous. It saddened me deeply that my mum apparently didn't believe that a woman could look fantastic without also looking young.
Regardless, Runcarla, I applaud your attitude. It is all about happiness, health and the way you feel. If other people don't like the choice you have made that were best for you, then so be it, but don't let that stop you from making them. Age and beauty are not antonyms.

Summer

Veteran

Coming back because I didn't have time to elaborate earlier.
There are numerous reasons for a woman to revert to grey (or not), and all are valid. Some may wish to avoid the hassle and/or expense of colouring, others see grey as just another colour, like platinum blonde or jet black. Quite recently, some younger women were even using grey hair as a fashion statement (I'm not sure if that's still the case). Others prefer to keep colouring because it just feels more them to do so. It's all a matter of choice.

My own hair is naturally dark ash blonde, verging on mousy, so I have lightened or highlighted it since my teens. Ironically, I always strove for a silvery blonde, because it seemed in keeping with my colouring and the clothes I liked to wear. A few years ago I got curious as to just what colour my hair actually is, and started to grow it out. At first, I liked the mix of blonde and grey, but once all the colour had been cut away, I was a little disappointed. Like Suz, I was hoping for a dramatic white or an elegant silver, but the reality was that it looked a little dull. So, for now, I'm keeping the highlights. The point is, though, the question of looking my age or older barely registered. My only concern is to find the most flattering colour for me, whatever my age.

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