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My skin woes

Mona

Veteran

Good morning YLFers! What a beautiful sunny spring day after a long, dark and very cold winter. I really want to enjoy this sunny day but today when I woke up and looked in the mirror, I saw yet another zit popping up on my face. Now cystic acne is something i have struggled with all my life so it is nothing new for me ( i have been using proactive for many many years now to keep things under control). As I am nearing 40 ( I am 37 now), I want to own my own beauty and grace and make peace with my shortcomings and enjoy life to the fullest. But some days it is just so darn hard! When I look in the mirror, all I see is acne scars and that brings my self esteem down. As I age, my skin will start to sag and scars will become more prominent. I will also probably be dealing with wrinkles and acne at the same time (who has heard this before? seriously??)
How do you deal with all this negativity that comes with your physical appearance (especially from things that you cannot do anything about). I always try to focus on all the positive things about my body and my husband always tells me how much more beautiful and graceful I have become with age but still there are days when I feel very ugly because of these scars. What particular issues do you guys struggle with and what strategies have worked for you?
ETA: How much does face matter? When you look at someone who is dressed up nice and is generally pleasant but has a minor visible disability, does it effect your opinion of them?

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36 replies

Latest reply was from Hil

Deborah

Veteran

Mona, my main issue with respect to my overall appearance would be my weight. It tends to fluctuate and can really affect my self confidence. But my weight is not WHO I am and I accept that I can be stylish, elegant and attractive regardless of my weight.

I know you are not looking for compliments but I really have to say just how beautiful you are. You have a lovely face, stunning hair and your communications here on YLF reveal a beautiful person which clearly reflects in your outward presentation.

Your skin challenges would absolutely not effect how I viewed you. In fact there is a good chance I might not notice:). Beauty is about so much more than good skin.

Mona

Veteran

Thanks for understanding, Deborah! I know acne does not define me and most days I know i can be elegant and attractive despite scars. But I know they will always be there. I am getting more sensitive about it with age, as I can visualize that wrinkly skin with scars will not be a pretty sight at all.
Thank you also for kind words. You are a sweet heart and indeed a very confident and attractive lady.

Mochi

Veteran

Mona, from pics I've seen of you, you are very beautiful and have this friendly, gracious aura. The pic of you with Suz exuded so much warmth and happiness.

I have no experience with acne scars. (As you can imagine, I have plenty of other issues that have me in constant battle to maintain self-esteem.)

Not to make you feel worse, I hope...but I'm saying this as a 49-year-old with wrinkles at this point. I would think that wrinkles, if anything, would make scars look less apparent, not more.

I hope people with direct experience chime in here.

donnat

Veteran

Mona, Beauty is so much more than your skin or weight, for that matter. Beauty to me is an inner grace and taking what you have and making the best of it. From the pictures I have seen of you, you certainly achieve this. You appear to be confident,stylish and gracious. I know this can be disheartening,but I would bet most people see beyond any scars you have.
We always see things on ourselves worse than others see us. You know where each little mark is. Others are looking at your beautiful eyes, how expressive your mouth is, how nice your hair looks....... they don't notice every little pore and mark the way you do when you look in the mirror.
Also note that the oiler the skin is, the better it holds off the wrinkling. Fine thin skinned fair types show wrinkling soonest. You will likely not see severe wrinkling for many years.
You look fabulous!

missvee

Veteran

I think this is quite a common problem but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Everyone has something about their body which is bothersome, and the older we get, the longer the list is :-). What I tend to notice first about people when i meet them is their general manner - their warmth and friendliness ( or lack thereof). We are our own worst critics when it comes to our appearance. Most people simply don't notice what we see as imperfections, and even if they do, they aren't judging us. Take heart - your WIWs show a beautiful young woman with a wonderful figure, a killer smile and amazing hair.

Diana

Veteran

Mona, I don't have acne scars but I do have a similar self-consciousness regarding my face. In my case, it's because my face is asymmetrical and has become more so after multiple unexplained bouts of Bell's Palsy. One side of my mouth has a slight droop when I'm not smiling and one of my eyes is bigger/droopier than the other. However, I have come to realize that this is something that most people who see me do not notice at all. It's also (I think) more noticeable in photos because they are static. IRL your face moves and changes expression, etc, so the static details don't show as much. I loved this blog post (on the now defunct academichic blog), especially the comments (including my own) which made me realize both that a) almost everyone has facial imperfections, and b) it's not usually noticeable to casual observers.
http://www.academichic.com/201.....oth-sides/

When I'm feeling particularly lopsided it also helps to remind myself that it could be worse. As I mentioned, I've had Bell's Palsy multiple times, so now I'm just glad that both sides of my face move.

Gaylene

Veteran

Well, I can speak from experience on this topic because I've always had temperamental skin that is prone to break-outs. As you've pointed out, Mona, you can take very good care of your skin but have problems regardless of how diligent you are at following your regime. And, yes, you'd be surprised at how common battling wrinkles and breakouts can be in the senior crowd.

But you will get some reward as you get older because your face will probably have fewer wrinkles than your friends with perfect, but dryer, skin. My face looks a couple of decades younger than some of my peers because, even in my mid-sixties, I have minimal wrinkling around my eyes, nose, and jaw line.

I'm also quite positive that your less than perfect complexion is probably not even noticed by the vast majority of the people who see you on a daily basis. I have a dear friend who was in a horrific car accident when she was in her early twenties. Her face was so scarred that she was unwilling to leave her house for almost two years. When I first met her, in her early fifties, I was totally unaware of what had happened to her. She is one of the most intelligent and alive people I've ever known, with gorgeous eyes and a constant smile. It was only after having known her for a couple of years that she talked to me about the trauma of her accident and pointed out the scarring that still remains despite the plastic surgery she'd ungone. I was dumbfounded when I saw the scars--they were visible but I'd never noticed them before. My husband was also totally shocked; he, too, had never noticed the scars.

So, I guess, my point is that we all have "flaws" that loom large in our mirrors but are insignificant to the rest of the world. It's our spirit and personality that get noticed, not a blemish on our skin.

Irene

Veteran

Hi,

Just like Diana's, my face is also assymetrical (didn't notice that on her though!). I have palpebral ptosis (also known as droopy eye). I am also slightly crossed-eye on my left eye because I can't control all the muscles. Oh, and I also have Marcus Gunn syndrome, which means my left eye (the one with ptosis) winks involuntarily when I open my mouth.

As for my skin, I don't have acne but have couperosis, redness, more than the occasional hormonal zit and sensitive skin. I also have hyperkeratosis on my arms and spider veins on my legs which, at 25, make me really self-conscious. My legs look worse than most 40 year-old women's.

I still get compliments on my appearance. I'm no model, but I want to become a writer, so it's not like looks are that important in my career aspirations.
You can either get rid of those scars -expensive, I know, but maybe you could save some money or something, who knows- or embrace them. I vote #2 since I'm sure once you start you will find so many other problematic areas that need to be fixed. We are made like that. The imperfect perfectionists.

Anonymous

Acne scarring is very hard to deal with emotionally. I do have scars and they affect me some days more than others. I know that we try to reassure ourselves that people might not see them, that they are not " so bad" etc. but I think it is best for us if we just accept them.

I actually ended up in therapy a couple years ago, because I ended up taking accutane to treat my cystic acne, ended up with anxiety attacks as a result of it. Part of my psychosis was the issue of my scarring and all of the discoloration left after the treatment. I am going to tell you the one phrase that opened the pandora box for me. My therapist told me that I should not make myself believe that people do not see my scars, that I should realize that people might see them but they just DON'T CARE. Ha! that was so liberating. He then recommended for me to stop trying to conceal them with makeup . He thought that my obsession with covering them up, was adding a great deal of anguish and boy was he right. One day, I just followed suit and never looked back. I still have my bad days, but those are much rare and far in between.

I think acne is a devastating and debilitating disease, because it is very misunderstood. I always felt as if people thought I was not doing the right things, almost as if I was causing it.

I just want to say that I have been ( or am) in your shoes and I completely understand how you feel.

Anonymous

I've struggled with both acne and rosacea, and I'm over 50 years old now. To add insult to injury, my skin is very sensitive. My advice to you is this. Seek help from a top-notch dermatologist. Thanks to effective topical medications, my skin conditions are well under control. Hope this helps. I do sympathize!

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

I have adult acne that was driving me crazy. I broke down and went to a dermatologist. The topical Rx lotions I'm on are expensive but cheaper than all the facials and fancy skin care regimens I was doing before. I now only rarely break out.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

Mona, I agree with everyone else that from all I've seen/read about you, you are a beautiful person outside and inside. So many people, maybe most people, have some physical attributes that make them self conscious. So of course I would not judge you or your beauty based on some scars or a skin condition. I had a friend in school who was burned badly on one side of her face from a house fire when she was a baby. She was still one of the most beautiful people I knew and I admired her from a physical and mental standpoint - she was popular and everyone seemed to simply look past it.

Don't let something like this get in your way - we all have things we feel are imperfections (I won't list my long list)-- but life and beauty is not about being perfect, it's about feeling love, finding happiness, helping others and things like that.

Mona

Veteran

Thanks Mochi, your kind words ring so true.

Thank you donnat, I agree that beauty comes from inner grace and most of the time I believe in that but there are some days when this issue bugs me more than usual.

missvee, the first thing I notice about people is their warmth and friendliness too. The physical aspects come after. Thanks for encouragement.

Diana, I would never have thought that your face is asymmetrical. You look beautiful in your pics and thank you for sharing this with me. Actually, I am really impressed by the confidence you exude in your daily WIW's.

Gaylene, my problem is that all the acne meds (topical and internal) dry out the skin in order to keep acne under control. I feel that my skin is very oily but at the same time it does not look fresh and dewy but dry and scaly. This is one of the biggest side effects of using proactive over a longer period of time as dry skin means aging. The story with your friend is very sad but it is heartening to realize that you and your husband didn't even notice the scars.
Irene, "The imperfect perfectionists". I love it. I am touched by the courage and wisdom your comments show. I agree with option #2.

Zapotee, I have also tried everything short of Accutane. I am not going to use Accutane as I am too scared of the side effects but I couldn't agree more that the general concept is that if you keep your face squeaky clean, you won't have acne. Nothing can be farther from truth. I once read somewhere that people look for connection not perfection which is similar to your therapist's message. Next time, I start feeling self conscious about my face, I will remember your words that although people notice my scars, they JUST DON'T CARE.

Ruth and annagybe, thanks for your wise words. I have tried many dermatologist over years and have tried several treatment options but nothing has worked for me. The only two things that keep my acne somewhat under control are proactive and less intake of sugar.

texstyle, your words make my heart sing. I am feeling much better now as compared to this morning. Your friend must be so brave and I am glad that she was so popular.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I can only commiserate, as I have gotten increasingly worse skin approaching and after turning 40. I have daily spots now for several years. I'm not big on makeup but usually only wear it for 2 reasons - acne and to make my lashes darker. So I just hope I hide it best as I can but, yes, it brings me down too. I did see a derm and he said that my perioral dermatitis is very hard to get rid of. Great. Only hoping that maybe my 50's will bring relief???

Anonymous

Actually, I am pro accutane. My case is very rare, less than 1% inreported literature. I do react very oddly to medicine. Most people just get dry akin and chapped lips. I would not discount it, keep it in your pocket as the last resort. The medicine does work.

claracluck

the great thing about this site is you think your the only one and then.......at 45 I hoped I would have grown out of my dots! as the children call them but it has not happened!and now wrinkles as well sigh.but you know what I just don't care anymore,their part of me scars and all.and really at 45 I have no real wrinkles because of the greasy skin I've had all my life.yes I've got acne scarring and spots but its never stopped me doing, loving and living my life.

ps I think sometimes we see ourselves in sections notably the things we don't like,when in real life other people see us as a whole package as a whole person .

Vicki

(website)

Veteran

Mona, I completely understand what you're going through. My acne, and occasional cystic acne, started in my teens and even before. I remember being at a campout with some girls and one of them said, "oh, that's the twin with the pimples." I wanted to run and hide as far away from that campfire as possible. Later, in my mid-twenties, and out with a girlfriend, a guy came up to her and said about me, "she's really pretty except for her bad complexion," to which my friend tore him to bits verbally and then turned back to me and toasted me with a sip of something as he walked off.

I did go to a dermatologist and things went in cycles, as they do. Proactive didn't help me, but a Benzoyl-Peroxide scrub did, along with icing the breakouts every night, after washing, and then dabbing them with BPO 10% with a Q-tip.

When there was a large cyst that came up out of nowhere, I would go to my dermatologist, or one of his assistants, and they would inject it with something. I'm not sure if it was an extraction and/or a combination of something to reduce the infection and swelling.

You are a beautiful person and you are not alone with this condition. Many of us have had this same experience. I've never had it (still not out of the question), but perhaps a light dermabrasion would help down the road or whatever feels right to YOU!

Zap gave you some incredibly wise advice. The people who truly love us, don't care about those scars. We don't have to apologize for them or explain them away and we can believe in ourselves and love ourselves as we are.

Hugs to you, Mona!

Kristin L

Veteran

I'm sorry Mona. I'm not at the stage where I'm worried about wrinkles and acne at the same time yet, but I am starting to wonder/worry how my acne scaring is going to look. I'm sending you big hugs!

@Irene - I have hyperkeratosis on my arms and spider veins on my legs as well. Have you found anything that can help relieve the hyperkeratosis?

Anonymous

Mona, I echo the others, you always look so lovely. but I have suffered from acne since my teens. I am now 42 I took Accutane in my early 30's. helped for 5 years. then had a terrible bout again and am now taking a low dose of minocycline. working great but I worry about long term use another thing to try is no or very low gluten. I believe it is relsted to some stomach problems I am having and that my gut effects my skin. read the book 'Wheat Belly', forget the suthor but easy to find and made a lot of sense to me. even my dermotologist recommended the diet. sorry for typos on phone

Anonymous

My acne hasn't totally cleared up, but it has gotten a lot better the last few years (I am 42). I used to wear my hair long so it would cover my face up.

The dermatologist trips were very expensive and didnt do anything for my face.

Birth control pills totally cleared up my acne, but I do not recommend them to anyone. Once I went off the pill my acne came back. BAD.

I started eating a primal/paleo diet and my acne cleared up.

Started eating coconut oil - acne came back.

Started taking vitamin d pills and the acne came back again.

For now, I am eating a mostly primal diet and slowly working on healing my body (coconut oil, vitamins, probiotics). My diet before was based on the "healthy" grains they tell us we should eat. I had a piece of pizza for the first time in a loooong time and now have 5 new pimples.

I don't have a lot of acne scars but I always think people are looking at my age spots. I don't have much advice, but I don't want you to think you are alone in this.

Anonymous

Here is a good website abut gut flora and how it affects the skin:

http://coolinginflammation.blogspot.com/

kellygirl

Veteran

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, Mona. I truly believe that most people don't notice skin especially when the person has a nice disposition. I think sometimes self-concsiousness is conveyed to the other person very subtly. You are gorgeous and so stylish and I would focus on that--not something you don't have a lot of control over. One of my best friends had terrible acne as a teen and suffers from adult acne now--I never even noticed until she told me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we are often more critical of ourselves than others are.

Now, the opposite kind of holds true as well. If you are unpleasant, mean and yell at my kids, I will notice every tiny hair growing on your chin and that you shouldn't be wearing leggings as if they were pants! LOL! (Just kidding--sort of, well, not really.)

Mona

Veteran

Mo, I go through the same thing. I have spent most of my life hiding behind makeup trying to conceal acne and scars. I think I am getting so tired of it as I age. I hope your skin improves as your enter 50's.
Zap, thanks for the advice about accutane. If I ever decide to go that route, I know I can count on you for input and advice.
claracluck, I guess the stage I am going through is really trying to own these scars and generally I do well but there are days when I need a little pick-me-up and there is no better place for this than YLF. Keep loving and living your life.
Thanks Vicki, I never would have thought that you have acne as you look so beautiful in all your pics and if I remember correctly, you even model for a magazine. I am so sorry that you had to deal with some negative people in your life.
Kristin, thanks for big hugs. I hope your face clears up soon.
A, I have tried that antibiotic off and on many times. I hope it helps with your acne. I will read the book you mentioned. There is nothing better if I can control it with diet.
mtgirl, this primal diet looks interesting. I will research it on google and see how I can incorporate that. thanks so much for the link. Sugar is the biggest culprit for me. If I have a piece of cake, I am sure I will get new pimples in next new days.
Kellygirl, you make me laugh! I would never want anybody to ever notice the hair on my chin!! Thanks for the encouraging words.

claracluck

mona I know you are going to get to that place,it took me along time to accept myself and you will too.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I have no advice to offer, but want to give you lots of hugs. (((HUGS))). You are a beautiful woman and that is all I see. xo

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Mona, unlike the others here, I have met you in person. Let me tell you what I saw:

Beautiful, huge, deep, rich, thoughtful, kind, eyes that filled with the light of laughter at the slightest invitation.

A glorious, thick mane of hair.

A graceful tilt of head.

Full, luscious lips and a lovely smile.

A fit, curvy body with perfect posture.

A superbly stylish outfit.

Carefully chosen jewellery and accessories.

A careful, thoughtful, gentle, intelligent manner.

Did I see a woman with skin problems? NO.

Did I notice a scar or two?

Well, not at first. It took a while. We'd been talking some time, sitting face to face at very close range. When I did notice, I thought - "Oh, acne is so awful to deal with; she must have had some rough years as a teen. I'll bet she has gained understanding from that. Perhaps this is why she is wise beyond her years."

That is how this observer saw you.

Anonymous

that was lovely Suz

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Mona I just read through this. I am about 10 years older than you and indeed am dealing with wrinkles and acne at the same time. Neither is severe but it is still extremely frustrating to have clogged pores and lines (to say nothing of melasma and dark spots, my other bain) at the same time. I am diligent about skincare and sun protection and do what I can with foundation and focus on my clothes! I wish I had met you in person so I could second Suz's beautiful words, but I will say my impression of you from your pictures is of your great hair and beautiful face!

Mona

Veteran

Thanks for your kind words and hugs, Angie, claracluck and Shevia. Shevia, I know it must be hard to deal with both wrinkles and acne. I do the same thing about taking good care of my skin, wear foundation to hide spots and scars and in the end try not to focus too much on my imperfections but some days it is harder than others and all I see in the mirror is scars.
Suz, what a kind and generous soul you are! You have just proved what Zap said earlier that people do notice these scars but they don't judge you based on this. Your words mean a lot to me and I will remember these next time I start feeling insecure about my appearance.

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