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My heart is broken.

Jane

Veteran

With such a sad and heavy heart, I have decided to share where I am at the moment. DH has a significant drinking problem and it is heart breaking to see. I love him so very much. I would love to be able to help him, but this leg of his journey, is his. I am here for him, but I really do think he now needs to start with AA or similar. I am such a 'fixer' by nature and loyal, but I just can't do anymore, and the loyalty makes me feel as if I shouldn't share it. But I can't continue on without needing more support.

DS is my focus, who is well and thankfully in a kind of teenage way, quite selfish and may be not oblivious but certainly none of what is going on is 'front and centre' in his world. Phew. He is doing well at school and has 18 months to go; next year he will have a study with a bed, so could do a bit of boarding if needed.

I have a very close circle of a very few friends, who are supportive and kind. I told my boss at work 10 days or so ago. Mum knows and has known it has been a problem for years. I have a gorgeous sister, who has known of the issues, but we aren't so close now. Somehow I manage to bypass my anger and not engage with it, but the tears flow out of the futility of the drinking.

We live in a kind of neat uncomplicated way, nice house, in a pretty town, good friends, beautiful pets, no huge debts or money issues (to my knowledge - we have separate accounts.)

I love DH; I don't want to be with anyone else. He is so kind and supportive and steadfast, but that is so eroded by the drink. I have shed many tears.

All wise and kind words would be much appreciated.

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56 replies

Latest reply was from nancylee

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Oh, sweet Jane. My heart goes out to you. I'm very sorry you and hubs are going through this. You are very positive, together and level headed, and I can only imagine you being nothing but supportive to hubs and DS. They are enormously lucky to have you as their rock.

I wish I had more helpful advice other than to seek professional guidance. I am extremely glad you're surrounded by supportive friends and family. Use them. You needn't go through this alone. It REALLY helps to have shoulders to cry on, friends who show empathy, and doggies who show unconditional love. YLF is here to help and support you in any way that helps, even if it's just for some down town that is a fun distraction. Or some cheerleading for your KILLER outfits to help make you smile. I hope others have experienced advice to share. Much love to you in the meantime. xo

Runcarla

Veteran

I'm so sorry to learn of your difficulties, Jane.

Gretchen

Veteran

Jane, i am so very sorry to hear this, I agree with Angie, please talk to a professional, and lean on your friends.

And if it helps, I suspect you are correct about your DS. My father was an alcoholic, and I never realized how bad it was until my mom filed for divorce after I finished college.

Hugs and love to you.

JAileen

Veteran

Jane, my sympathy. Please encourage your husband to seek professional help. Please keep in mind that alcoholism is a disease. It is not a failing of character.

Anonymous

Just to give you some hope: I had the same situation in reverse. I was the drinker, and causing all kinds of grief for Mr. Xtabay. I quit drinking when I realized I was ruining a perfectly wonderful relationship. How he stuck with me during that, I don't know, but he did, and years later our relationship just keeps getting better. I hope your DH will get himself straightened out because you, he, and your marriage deserve so much better. Wishing you courage, strength, and wisdom to guide you through your days.

bj1111

Veteran

the lovely ladies above said all the words. i just have hugs.

be gentle with yourself.

Sal

Veteran

So sorry to read this Jane - I can understand indeed as I have a friend and relative both going through similar situations. I do feel for you - how difficult and heartbreaking indeed.

I do think professional advice is the right way to go, and I hope your lovely husband is able to take this on board.... plenty of people do as Xtabay said above - you are definitely worth it!!

rachylou

Veteran

Sometimes you do have to share personal business to get through it. That’s a fact. You have my support. And I have to say I admire AA; it has always struck me as real. There is AA for family too.

Is it prying to ask where DH is with this all?

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Jane, I am so very sorry to hear about this. It sounds so difficult and must at times be so isolating for you and so disheartening. It is excruciating to watch the struggles of those we love and so very hard to see them become mere shadows of the people they can be at their best.

I strongly encourage you and DH to seek professional support.

Even if your DH won't go -- is not ready -- it can be helpful for you to get help. I won't go into the details but twice in my life I've been in situations like that and I'm so grateful I found a caring professional in addition to my good friends. You deserve that, and also -- it is not disloyal to speak out. Speaking of these things reduces the shame and makes it possible for healing to begin.

Anonymous

Jane -- My kindest regards. I may be speaking out of turn, so please excuse me if I overstep boundaries.

What I want to say is that there can be hope. I have examples in my own family. One very beloved family member saw himself thorough his own eyes and gave up drinking on the spot. Never drank again and it has been decades. Another had to stay at a rehab facility, but she has just celebrated two solid years of sobriety. She is a different person.

In the meantime, have you considered Al Anon? Weekly meetings helped family members cope while the young woman described in the paragraph above worked through her issues. It took some time for her to make the decision to go into rehab. Al Anon helped a lot.

Finally, I too am a fixer and loyal to a fault. For my own sake, I walked away from my marriage to an alcoholic.

Style Fan

Veteran

I am so sorry Jane that you are going through this. I wouldn't go into the details but I have had personal experience with people in my life who struggled with alcohol. I think many people have. Support is so important. It is psychological oxygen.

You are such a warm caring person. It is so hard to see someone you love suffer from a disease like alcoholism. Lots of hugs and warm thoughts to you. As Suz says speaking about these things allows healing.

kkards

Veteran

i have no words of wisdom, but just want to say i'm sorry you are going thru this, sorry for your pain....thank you for trusting us enough to share. sending you hugs....

deb

Veteran

This is such a hard thing to deal with. I have no wise words but send you my sympathy and hope your pain will ease with time.

Jane

Veteran

Thank you all so much. It makes me cry thinking of you all sending me support, I am so so grateful. I am so grateful for your very genuine and personal responses. It means so much.

Thank you Angie, the fashion absolutely helps! As do the pets!

I had the most amazing telephone conversation with the charity that support families with alcoholics, on a helpline about 3 years ago. Maybe it was AlAnon, Sterling. Thank you for sharing your experience and the decision you made.

The essence of the AlAnon conversation was that it is a disease or illness and isn't the person, just as you say JAileen. I don't always remember it, but when I do, it makes a huge difference, because it enables me to separate the alcohol from DH.

Suz, Rachylou, Stylefan, Sal, I do need more professional help; I will be able to seek some through the private healthcare at work. I might not do this straight away, but will do so by Easter. I do think you hit a chord with the shame Suz, - wise. My head can get very scrambled.

DH is quite a silent, quiet man, very kind and empathetic. He knows what the drink is doing to us and the heartbreak I feel, and he feels it too. He does feel shamed I think, but also thinks it isn't so bad, believing that the evidence is his business is going well. I don't like to delve too deeply; as when I have asked a few pointed questions, the responses would typically be indicators that all is not so good.

Thank you Gretchen. It is comforting to know that.

Xtabay, thank you so very much for sharing your personal experience. DH and I so good together, I really do think that we could be stronger if we can get through this. I do need courage, straight and wisdom.

Thank you debs, kkards, RunCarla, bj1111, for your hugs and sympathy. So very much appreciated.

kerry

Veteran

I’m so sorry, Jane, that your heart is broken. You are smart to include those around you in your struggle. It helps to know you’re not alone in this. Getting professional help for yourself will help you, your son and in time your DH. Those experts will help you with perspective and help for DH. Sounds like maybe you’re ready to meet you anger and a professional can help you navigate that too. It’s not disloyal to feel angry, it’s human.

You always sound so upbeat and look so put together. That may help you in this process or it may feel like a burden. It reminds me that we never really know the pain others are carrying around with them and that kindness is always the way.

I wish for you the very best.

cindysmith

Veteran

As a recovering addict who is married to another recovering addict, I'm going to strongly encourage you to start attending Al-Anon. If I didn't have my own 12 step program for my own addiction, I would be deeply immersed in Al-Anon myself. I do read some of their literature, because I technically fit the "profile" for membership in Al-Anon; any help dealing with my DH is a godsend.

I believe your husband should go to A.A.; however, until HE believes it there isn't much anyone can do to help him. I'm sorry I don't have more to offer you than that; what I can tell you is that if he is open to 12 step meetings then there is hope. The 12 steps saved my life, they saved my husband's life, and they have saved the lives of countless addicts and alcoholics around the world.

Regardless of whether he goes to A.A. or not, do consider Al-Anon. It's a fellowship of people who want to help & support you as you start your journey toward serenity and sanity for yourself. You truly must take care of yourself, and safeguard your own well-being; you MUST ensure that your spirit gets fed.

I'm going to end this comment with (((hugs))) and a promise that you can contact me anytime via private message here or by email
cynthiawalkerwhite @ gmail [dot] com and I'll be here for you.

Anonymous

Jane, adding only that doing whatever you can to stabilize yourself now seems like good practice for the future too, as I imagine that your son leaving home will be a big change for both you and your husband.

Anonymous

Jane, you are so lovely and smart. I am so sorry that you are going through this. The only thing I can add is that I've seen in family that when the drinking is not addressed, it gets worse with age. I have seen one become, slowly, an abuser. Please take care of yourself.

Jane

Veteran

Thank you Kerry. To not be alone or feel is so important.

Cindysmith, you are so very kind and wise. I am so grateful for your openness, your experiences have helped me to share mine. I feel sufficiently resolved to get in touch with Al Anon; I hope it will last until the date of the next meeting in my area. I also hear you that it needs to be DH’s decision. Thank you so much for your kind offer. I’m receiving very gratefully your hugs.

Thank you Isabel. The stability is important and yes the shift after DS has left home is on my mind.

Thank you Joy, yes I think it can get worse too. And the note on abuse is logged. Thank you for your kind comments.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Genuinely heart breaking!

I have little personal experience from which to understand this, other than a brief relationship in which the guy (who I didn't know was alcoholic & a heavy drinker) gave it up to be with me, then slowly went back. I realize now that it is a disease, and that he had no adult coping mechanisms, but at the time it felt like he was choosing booze over me. So I am glad you recognize that it is not your husband, that it is a disease.

Protecting your son is top priority, up there with self-care. Perhaps you'll want to offer him an appointment with the help you find, in case he is noticing more than he talks about. If he is seeing it, I hope he uses it constructively, to recognize the danger and steer himself away from overindulging.

I hope the pleasure and accomplishments of fashion and career goals can give you strength through this, and I wish your family all the best.

Gail

Veteran

I'm thinking of you sending much love and support. Make looking after yourself a priority.

Inge

(website)

Oh Jane, my heart is hurting for you. I'm so very sorry that you are going through this.

I know from personal experience (a family member with a substance abuse problem, they are in recovery now thankfully, and doing extremely well) how powerless you feel when someone you love has this type of problem. I'm so glad you've gotten lots of wise advice and support here already, and was nodding along with what Cindy said about your husband having to want to help himself (I know, that is wretchedly hard to accept and easier said than done. In the meantime all one can do is offer support - and meanwhile please do make self-care, healthy boundaries, and professional support for yourself a priority too).

As Sterling said, there can be hope, and I'm hoping with all my heart that your family will be able to get through this together.

Sending you lots of strength and love, and please don't hesitate to PM me if I can help with anything.

Inge

xxx

Chris987

Veteran

So sorry to hear this Jane. It seems most of us have had some experience with substance abuse in our families or among friends, it's amazingly widespread. Joy is right that it can get worse with age, I've seen that first hand. As others have said, it's a disease, but there is something about acknowledging it that is so much harder than admitting you have the flu or an infection. Your DH has to decide he wants to address the issue before any meaningful change will happen and it sounds like he is not there yet. You are both living this situation, although from very different places, and need individual help. Take care of yourself and definitely tap into those organizations others have mentioned. And give yourself permission to feel miserable and cry about it as often as you need to (including posting here on YLF) there is no shame in that at all.

..and I have to give a shout out to Cindysmith for being so open about her situation,...Cindysmith you probably don't realize how much inspiration and support you give many of us just by telling your story so bravely.

RobinF

Veteran

So sorry you are going through this. I do not have personal experience but I am glad to hear that you have good friends and family for support. Take care of yourself.

kellygirl

Veteran

I have nothing to add except to tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this. It is heart breaking. I hope that your DH will seek help and that you are able to as well. Sending a big hug!!!

Anonymous

Wise words all! I can PM you with our story of getting out of that cycle.

Anonymous

Alcoholism is a devastating disease. It destroys. It destroys everything around it.

Kathie

Veteran

Sending you hugs, sympathy and hope for the future. Addiction and mental health issues are so challenging. I’m so grateful that you’ve been able to focus on finishing your education programs and advancing your career through all of this- and that you have those things to fall back on. We’ll be here, supporting you, no matter what happens.

rachylou

Veteran

I am back to say it really is a disease. Sometimes we nod our heads to this comment, but don’t quite understand and think there’s some Thought that we could think and stop it. But there isn’t. You can’t just decide not to drink alcohol and that’s the end, *with support thru ‘the cravings,’ of course.* It’s a Discovery... A discovery about your body. I have a coworker who took leave to do a program for months and now goes to AA meetings every day after work (and we’re bakers, so they are midnight meetings). Sometimes I let her go early, to go to a meeting. She didn’t know she was alcoholic. I didn’t know. It wasn’t like she came to work reeling drunk (and we have had people at the bakery drinking in the parking lot and passing out against the flour stacks). She just decided one day not to drink at all and got incredibly sick and the doctors figured it out. You may have thoughts and reasons and feelings surrounding drinking, but you may not. It is its own thing.

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