Jane, sending you lots and love and support for all you are going through. You are so strong to cope and your son and husband are blessed to have you in their lives!

Echoing all the advice to get whatever support you can (professional, Al-Anon, friends, or whatever you are comfortable with) and take care of yourself. It's surely the best thing you can do for all of you. And know that many, many families are touched in some way by the same disease - you are most definitely not alone.

Sending so many positive thoughts that your husband reaches out for help. Alcohol can be such an insidious drug and impact the best of people.

Much love xx

Jane,
I'm so sorry to read about your situation and I really applaud you for being open. This is such a great community.
My husband and I are both sober although we were not when we met; that journey is one we took together. Our stories are about as different as you can imagine, and of course I heard many many others in AA .... this problem affects people in all walks of life, from all backgrounds. It causes a lot of shame for the alcoholic and for his loved ones, but it doesn't have to. I hope your husband will pursue help. For us, the community of AA was critical in helping us explore our own behaviors and find our own paths forward, especially in the beginning.
Also, just adding my voice to the choir encouraging you to attend Al-Anon. To the extent DS is aware of the situation and open, it would probably help him too. My husband was the child of an alcoholic parent and as a teen it helped him cope, although sadly it did not prevent his own journey.
Anyway, best wishes to you, and my heartfelt hopes for a peaceful outcome,
Vivian

Jane,
Know that you are cared for , safe and supported here at anytime .

Yes, please reach out any time you need to. It's a problem so many of us have familiarity with. Don't feel alone!

Jane, I am so sorry to read your words. I can't say if things will get worse or better--no one can, but from my personal childhood experience I would strongly encourage YOU to try Al-Anon. It's one of the choices YOU can control and make. And I so admire your bravery, and the words of other YLF friends, in writing these posts.

So sorry to hear of your suffering, Jane, and will pray for you and your husband and son. I too have had relatives abuse alcohol and other things. It is so hard.

Wishing you the best, Jane. This is such a supportive community and you are among friends. It helps to talk about our burdens...it can make them a little bit lighter.

I'm so sorry to hear of this, Jane. I'm glad that you felt safe to share it on the forum. Just being able to share things like this can be healing.

I don't have any first-hand experience with alcholism but know a few people whose lives have been seriously harmed by it. I echo the advice of others, which is to get professional help for yourself so that you know how to handle what is being thrown at you. It can be very difficult to navigate this type of thing. And it sounds like you realize that DH will have to decide on his own to get help. Trying to force him into it will just create more issues.

I hope that you are able to find a therapist and support groups that can help you through this difficult time.

Oh Jane, my heart goes out to you, and to your husband and son. I can only echo the many others on the forum in encouraging you to take care of yourself in this time of trouble. I hope you do try Al Anon and that your husband will seek help for himself, sooner rather than later. I’m humbled by your courage in opening up this part of your life to the forum. You have so many friends here who care about your wellbeing and will support you. Sending you hugs as you navigate this part of your life’s journey.

Thank you all so very much. I’m overwhelmed with the level of support.

I’m moving towards owning this as a disease. Strangely this makes it much easier for me at this time. On the rare times when DH opens up, I can see the huge strain on his face, which is utterly painful to see.

The universe has been kind as there is an Al Anon meeting in the church near where I work early tomorrow morning before work and my normal Wednesday morning meeting has been cancelled. I’m going to go. It will be better to go to this than one near home. More anonymous and neutral from DH perspective.

On the shame, somehow by actually saying / writing the words, it makes the shame (presumably fed by silence) disperse. So I feel like my head fog has lifted and I can move forward in some way, with tiny steps, but move forward nonetheless.

Thank you Fashintern, and yes absolutely Fashintern, DS is top priority. Fashion and my work are pretty good distractions!

Thank you Gail.

Inge, that is so very kind and good of you. It is so hard to accept DH needs to want to help himself. There is hope; he is good kind man and is crushed I think by his lack of ability in sorting this out.

Chris, thank you. It has got so much worse of late but being to share more openly about it has helped so much. I’m also shouting out to Cindysmith who is such an inspiration. I honestly think that if Cindysmith hadn’t wrote about her experience, I don’t think I would have opened up.

Thank you RobinF, and Kellygirl, and Suntiger and Sterling and Kathie.

Rachylou I will keep in mind your co worker. Meetings every day, goodness that is massive. Your coworker is fortunate to have you for your understanding and support.

Thank you Toronto girl.

Thank you Viva, a peaceful outcome at some point would be the very best thing. DS represents himself as being oblivious but he isn’t. He knows but his loyalty towards his father stops him from acknowledging it. His time will come I’m sure to acknowledge and relay how he feels about it. I need to be the right place if / when DS chooses to open up to me.

Christina, thank you. The hereditary nature of this resonates. Your mom must have been very brave. You are very wise to de stigmatise the disease. It affects so many people. DH are good together and I’m strong! He’s fortunate to be with me, but I’m also fortunate to be with him too! He lends an empathetic and kind approach to our family that I sometimes just can’t emulate. That said, enoughs enough.

Thank you Canada, Columbine and Aquamarine and Gigi. Gigi, wise words. Force isn’t going to work this time around. DH is the most stubborn person.

Thank you all so very much.

Jane, I am hoping the meeting was helpful for you and relieved some of the burden.

I echo those who say it might also be good for DS. Like Christina I grew up with alcoholic parents and at that time there was no Al - Anon group around. I wish there had been.

Oh, Jane. I'm thrilled you feel loved and supported. Best of luck at the meeting tomorrow. The planets are aligning already.

Jane, I am so glad you reached out to the forum. All the best to you. And Cindy Smith is awesome. What a lovely group we have here on the forum.

Jane, I only saw this now, and hope you were able to attend the meeting this morning. Thank you for sharing with us - this forum is a special place. Hugs to you xx

Jane, I am late to this, but like many others here, the disease of addiction has touched my family’s life in a number of ways. My husband’s ex-wife is an alcoholic, my sister has two ex-husbands who are alcoholics, and one of my stepsons and both of my nieces have to stay away from any mood-altering substance, alcohol included, because of bipolar and other diagnoses. My sister stopped drinking a couple of years ago because she was so deeply affected by her husband’s drinking (even though they have since divorced, they still live together). Her stopping drinking didn’t change his behavior, but she is healthier and happier for it, and for that we are grateful. So I believe very much that this is one of those “put your own oxygen mask on before attempting to help others” situations in which you need to take care of you.

I join the others in urging you to seek out help for yourself in coping with this, whether it is AlAnon or any other group that gives education, coping skills, or counseling to people who are living with loved ones battling addiction. I hope your husband seeks help, but he does have to want that for himself. Please take good care of you, and I know you are doing what is best for your son too.

Sending all the best thoughts to you and your husband and your family. I know this is hard for everyone involved, and I stand with the others in full support of you.

Jane- sorry for all you are going through. As hard as it is, I have seen people get to the other side of this; rarely without a need for separation if their spouse is not seeking help for their addiction. Wishing all the strength, support and patience required to navigate this phase. With change, comes grief, but also hope for better times ahead. Agree with others to seek support for yourself, as well as moments of distraction and enjoyment. Part of this is addressing the areas of difficulty; part of it is keeping the stuff that is working or pleasurable in play. Not easy.

All good thoughts to you and your family. Hoping that the support in this thread is palpable and a comfort, too

I haven't read anyone else's responses yet. I was in a similar situation a few years ago, and Al-Anon saved my sanity. I recommend it highly. I wish you the very best.

Jane, I am so sorry to read this. It must be so awful to feel so helpless. I see Flytigress recommending Al-Anon. I would have to agree. I understand how you see yourself as a "fixer". The key is to realize when it crosses into enabling. Al-Anon will probably really help with that because you are not along.

I just want to say that a dear friend of mine went through something similar while they had 3 teenagers at home. She had kept it quiet almost their entire marriage and he was a pillar of the community. Finally, we she started telling people ( and he hit bottom...his family was key ) he turned his life around. They are still together, the kids are out of college and life is really good for them. There is hope. Always.

Jane, I just read this and I am so glad at the support and suggestions you have received. Acknowledging there is a problem is definitely the first step - for you and DH.

There should be no stigma attached to this. I do believe that some people are more susceptible to addiction than others, which was the case for my best friend at high school who fell into a very dark place with her addictions. Acknowledging her addiction as an illness rather than a character weakness was key to understanding that she needed help and could not do this on her own. I have bad knees, I don't feel bad about getting treatment for that, it simply is a physical weakness that I have, being susceptible to addiction is similar. Please get the support and care that you need. Hopefully DH will see that he needs treatment too. I hope that you can work through this together, but your first priority must be to care for yourself and your son.

So very sorry to hear about this. Such good advice already given and I pray that the meeting blessed you and gave you hope. Please keep moving forward in seeking professional help. So important to keep your head clear so that the emotions don't distort reality. ((Hugs))

Okay. Very late. But I suppose you check this post again. Lots of thoughts about this. I feel for you very much. My experience with an alcoholic was with my SIL. A wonderful funny intelligent woman. So I know you can love a person with this difficult problem, and at the same time get very angry too. She was bipolar, very late diagnosed. Died too young.
My husband went to Al anon. Didn't work for him.
I hope for you with all my hart that he gets help, but like others here say, it has to come from him.
Thanks for being so open.

Dear Jane, I saw this several days ago (don't check Off Topic very often, I forget to). Since then I have been thinking and pondering a lot as to what to say that may be of help as so many kind Fabbers above have mostly said it all. I have not been personally affected by this disease apart from a great-great-grandfather which is a long way back, though my mother talked of it in my childhood. But I have of course seen patients with it and their spouses. My main caution is as per Rachylou's comment, that depending on how much he is drinking he may not be physically able to just stop because he could get bad withdrawal symptoms and could even get very ill. Some people need to be detoxified by using diazepam ( famous trade name for this was Valium) and you definitely need an addiction service to help with that. I do not have specialised expertise in such matters. Just a caution, and otherwise I hope the Al-Anon meeting was helpful and that you can find support from family and friends including us. You are such a kind and generous forum member and if I could beam you up ( Scotty) to come and play in my wardrobe as a distraction I would do it instantly xx

Jane - so many wise words, I just send hugs, and love, and healing thoughts. Every problem is magnified when you handle it alone. It's like the boogie man in the closet that terrifies a small child (and I don't mean this to minimize how extraordinarily difficult your situation is). But shining the light into the closet, reaching out and realizing that there are hands to hold, people to call, support - that you don't need to go through this alone - that is a life line - for you and hopefully just the same for your husband. Things only feel shameful when we keep them hidden. I'm so glad you are reaching out and letting people in. There is so much love and healing in the world. Get the best professional help you can, all you can do is research and find help for your husband if he will agree to it. You and your husband will be in my thoughts are prayers.

Jane- I just saw this thread and wanted to send you hugs and support. Alcoholism is such a difficult disease is so many ways. I hope that the Al-Anon meeting was helpful to you and would strongly encourage you to push your son gently to attend also.

I have worked with many children who parents were actively drinking or abusing other substances. Many cope by acting like all is well but they are rarely truly oblivious to what is going on. But denial is not a good coping skill in the long run. I think it is also important for him to learn about alcoholism as a disease. I encourage you to help him find a place where him can express all the morass of feelings that living with an alcohol causes.

((Hugs))

I ve only just wandered into off topic in the last few days so am late to this thread and haven’t read all the responses yet but knowing the YLF ers there will be much wise and kind advice to which I probably can’t add a lot but I want you to know that I am thinking of you Jane.lt is very hard supporting someone with an addiction so look after yourself as well as supporting your husband and I’m so glad that you felt able to reach out for support.Much love to youxx

I am so sorry, Jane. Sending lots of love and courage your way. xo