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kellygirl

Veteran

Will be following this thread closely. You are not alone!

11 years ago

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Drugs.

For him or for you.

Uh, that probably came out wrong....but....high doses of fish oil might be an option?

In all seriousness, I can't really comment helpfully on some level because my DD is not a neurotypical kid and her "moods" are so outsize(and always have been) that pretty much any ordinary kid's pale in comparison.

Having said that, one thing both DH and I have found helpful is just taking a deep breath and reminding ourselves that this, too, shall pass -- that it is part and parcel of growing up. We don't condone rudeness, but we also choose our battles.

At this age, blood sugar regulation becomes even more of a "thing." DD is grumpy before that after school snack and she is SO much more cheerful after it!

For the interests thing -- is there still one activity that you and DS enjoy together especially? It can be really fun to make a "date" of it.

11 years ago

Sarah A

Veteran

I don't have much advice on the actual parenting, but I will share that DH and his brother rock climbed a lot as teenagers and fondly remember lots of climbing trips. I wish I had had the opportunity to do it then. I am pretty sure I remember you climb too, does DS have any interest in it?

11 years ago

catgirl

Veteran

DS does rock climb with me on occasion but his sport of choice is basketball. I will try to get him back in the gym with me.

Suz, DS is usually cheerful which is why this is such a shocker for me. I do see that a snack helps, and he doesn't always realize he is hungry when that is the problem, so I need to remember to try food first!

11 years ago

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Yes...I always try food and water first. Amazing what a difference it can make.

Next, listening. This works with my DD but she is a girl and highly verbal. Boys can be different.

I've heard that they talk more from the back seat of the car where they don't need to make eye contact.

Oh, and lest I gave the wrong impression, DD is also -- basically, when she's not having a meltdown -- a cheerful kid, and very open and affectionate.

Still, she's a teen.

Oh -- another tip -- it is actually worst from around your son's age to about 13 and starts to level off a bit then. They make a big cognitive/ developmental leap and start to show more maturity.

So that means the next few years might be tough -- but it might not last as long as you fear.

11 years ago

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

About the interests thing ... I don't know; I started to get closer to my dad around that age too, and it just kind of stuck. My mom and I are definitely not as close as my dad and I - but it could be because we are fundamentally different people and are at odds (silently) a lot. I think when you become a teen, it is the part of your life where you discover your identity, and maybe he's just trying on "dad's shoes" for a little bit - and probably being interested in cars and sports is acceptable to his peer group which is going to become very important to him in the coming years.

I'd say just make sure he gets enough sleep - I tell people that mood and anxiety and sleep are linked - until I'm blue in the face at work, because it's true and it works.

Hang in there: I grew up out of my eyerolling phase in less than a year - says my dad. My mom would say I'm still there.

11 years ago

doubleh

Veteran

My DS is only five, but I am going to second Suz and Lyn * on the eating and sleeping first and then seeing if there is still an actual issue to address. But I know for myself that I am an alter ego without sleep and the hubs is without food. I'm bummed to hear that boys do the eye-roll too. Was sort of hoping that would be a girl thing. ;P

11 years ago

cloud9

Veteran

Hugs Una. I'm in similar boat as you. My DS is 11 too. And I think he went thru similar phases (and still is :(). He's a bit negative by nature to begin with. And now just grumpy and tiny things will tick him off (like his brother is not holding chopsticks the "right way"). Aside from mood swings and huge appetite at times, I also noticed that he is shifting and cling to Daddy much more. He still seeks my approval and affirmation, but every little thing goes to dad first now, like "daddy where is my towel?" (Seriously, lol).

I hope too it's just a phase. Also, do ask if there is something at school is bothering him.

11 years ago

Liz

Veteran

Not a mom, but I've heard many of my mom friends say that the parenting focus really did begin to shift to the dads during these years. Especially for the sons.

11 years ago

milehighstyle (Linda)

Veteran

Same here, Una - my son is 12 and the moodiness really set in around 10 1/2 to 11 years. Food and sleep - mine doesn't realize when he's hungry or tired and it kind of has to be forced on him. Sounds like yours is an only child, too? Mine likes being an only, but does get bored on weekends and during breaks when he's away from his buds. I try to take time off to get him together with friends, and most of the year he's playing sports so that helps. It comes and goes - he's still a sweetie much of the time. He likes playing board games with me and going to movies, or riding his bike alongside when I run, where his Dad will go out and throw the football or pitch baseballs to him.

11 years ago

deb

Veteran

It is his hormones. Boys go through the similar hormonal changes as girls and basically all you can do is wait it out. They do return to your wonderful, fun loving child again. I did not have any teenage issues with my son. He seemed to get that all out of his system before 8th grade. My daughter was a different story. She was a wonderful child until she hit 14 then all hell broke out. Once she started college (and moved out) she was likeable again.

11 years ago

catgirl

Veteran

So glad I'm not alone! And that this is not an abnormal age for such behavior. I am hoping to ride it out, but I am one of those people who is very affected by the moods of my family - so if DS is grumpy, I feel grumpy too! I need to develop more resilience.

Food and sleep do wonders for me too!

11 years ago

claire

Active Member

I have to come back and read this thread more carefully, we are dashing out the door to soccer practice but I quickly wanted to say I am right there with you. My DS is 10, also grade 5 and we are in exactly the same boat. Eye rolling, grumpy, mood swings from what used to be my really happy kid. It's not all the time, but definitely a sign of teenager things to come. And I'm like you, it really affects me... More later, but you are not alone.

11 years ago

Gaylene

Veteran

Well, having gone this twice, I can reassure you that (1) your kid is perfectly normal, (2) it IS a stage--although it can last for a couple of years and (3) you are still super important to him even if your relationship seems to get rocky at times.

My advice is to keep him fed (even if that seems impossible at times), keep your responses upbeat (even if you want to strangle him or your feelings are hurt), hug him as usual even if he pulls away or rolls his eyes (although maybe not when his friends are around), use your husband as your go-between (it's a dude to dude thing, instead of being mommy's little boy), and keep your interactions "normal" instead of structured or forced (or, to put it another way, don't try too hard to regain what you think you've lost--in reality, the closeness is still there but it just goes underground for a bit while he is figuring out how to be a male instead of a little boy).

I sometimes think part of the confusion arises when boys start to think of girls as members of the opposite sex instead of as mates. The feelings are exciting and different, but the realization that your mom is one of these creatures comes as a shock. It takes a bit of time to work it all out. If you keep things "normal", it is easier on both of you. Go to his basketball games, let him bring a friend along on camping trips (being seen as a cool mom by his friends adds to your status), ask if he wants to talk instead of peppering him with questions, and never let him forget that you think he is the greatest kid in the world. And hang in there until he gets his driver's license and wants to borrow your car--you'll be amazed at the difference!

11 years ago

Jeanie

Veteran

Going through the grumpies with a 16 year old for a while now. It's hard....I do so much for him only to get grumbled at, at the end of the day. I find that he likes to talk when he comes home from school because he is excited from being around friends so I strategically wait until that time to ask some questions. I always give him lots of food and water because he doesn't always take the time to get food for himself (maybe a boy thing). I always suggest different activities and sometimes he will take me up on it, just depends on whether he has anything better going on. We have found common ground in watching some TV series like Dr. Who and the BBC's Sherlock. I feel a little more connected to his world by watching the shows that are popular with the kids. We also go to concerts to see some of the newer bands that he likes.
I try very hard not to let his mood affect mine. But it is hard some days. I try to put myself in his shoes and remember what it was like when I was his age. When he tries to battle with me, I don't let it get to me. I stay calm and talk evenly and make jokes. Hang in there

11 years ago

Eliza

Veteran

Una- clearly you are not alone. Great ideas above.

Our DS is in his late twenties now, but how well I remember...

With the distance of decades, one word came to mind when I read your post- opportunity. Here's why: you are picking up on the earliest cues that adolescence is bearing down and know that a few subtle shifts that work for both of you can make a big difference. How about picking one thing you both like and commit to it on a regular schedule. Breakfast out, walking a shelter dog, helping at a food pantry, cooking one dinner or dessert together every week, getting out art or building materials, whatever. The power is the routine contact that belongs to just the 2 of you. I predict that in ways that are unforeseen now, it could provide for a lot of important moments over the upcomng years. You can refine some realistic possibilities, change them seasonally or re-assess together annually. Whatever works best but can become so embedded that opting out of the process isn't up for grabs as the stakes get higher.

Brought to you by the power of hindsight.

Good luck with it all. You've got this.

11 years ago

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Gaylene is full of wisdom with her comments - my DS is 19 now and returned to being a normal human being (for the most part anyway - lol!) but from 11 - 14 he was like an alien.

11 years ago

Deborah

Veteran

Oh no Shannon...we are entering the alien years!!

Una, so glad you posted. We are experiencing this as well. I really appreciate all the comments and Gaylene's experience too.

I suspect you are like we are, as a family of three, we are extremely tight. So when Master 11 starts with the attitude, moodiness, etc I find it really difficult. I don't have any answers yet but one thing I have become aware of is that our kids need us just as much at this age (despite their developing independence) as they do when they are little. Someone shared with me recently that in some ways, teens need us even more.

One way I have been connecting with M11 recently is I have been taking a more active role in his homework. (not doing it for him of course, but participating more, working with him on his spelling, tables, supporting him as he does a display for a project etc). This might sound strange but most days I am the last one home and he has done his homework (so he says) by that time. He was a little resistant but now we are really enjoying the time together. I tread carefully so I am not telling him what to do or how to do it and homework has been fun and he is seeing that is capable of more than he thinks sometimes.

We still share a love of Dr Who, so we do watch that together as well. That is something he and I share as DH isn't interested in the program.

I am finding keeping him well fed also helps with his mood and sleep seems to be really important at the moment. Given that we are pretty strict that bedtime is 8.00 p.m. and there is no mucking around.

The other thing I have noticed is that it seems to be a stage where we have had to crack down on the discipline again and not let him get away with bad behaviour, which means not backing on down and carrying through with things. Loosing access to his ipad for a week can work wonders in terms of attitude adjustment.

We also talk a lot and constantly reinforce that he can talk to us about anything and be guaranteed we are not going to freak out (well not in front of him lol). So at this stage my thoughts would be sleep, food, communicate and don't react

If it makes you feel any better, I am right there with you And I know you are an awesome mum and you will work you way through this.

11 years ago

misapb

Active Member

In addition to the hormone crazies, is he getting enough sleep? I think they need around 11 hours at this age. Did he recently start school again so maybe there is some adjustment to having to waking up early? I grew up in Nome and remember this time of year being light late into the evening and dark until around 8am making it hard to go to bed at a reasonable time and hard to wake up early.

11 years ago

catgirl

Veteran

I can't tell you how much this community means to me.... These responses have helped in so many ways. Kelly, Linda, Deborah, Crackers, we are all just starting on this leg of the journey... And Gaylene, Deb, everyone else on the other side- the wisdom is so appreciated. I am sick and exhausted, so will reply more later, because so much resonated here. Each and every response has been taken to heart...

As for sleep, my kiddo has always been a night owl and not needed sleep. I think he needs to get more sleep whether he wants to or not, and a better routine. He is one of those who will be up with the book and flashlight all night. Cute but not healthy! It is getting darker earlier now which helps too.

Misapb, Nome? Wow!

11 years ago

Deborah

Veteran

Una, M11 is also a night owl lol. Has never been a good sleeper (even from birth). Only last night I popped in to check on him. He was under the covers and I couldn't see his iPad which is usually in the corner on charge....hmmm where do you think it was ?!?! We have been apply strategies and a routine to really try to create a good sleeping habit...it's slow going but I feel we are getting there.

Hope your feeling better very soon.

11 years ago

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

As the mother of three sons, all older, I agree with a lot that's already been said... I do think the swing towards Dad at this age is very common.
Sleep and food are key!

Other suggestions are walks and talks... I get so much out of boys when we walk and talk... Kicking a pine cone along the way adds some laughter as well...Something my own father did with me and my fondest memories of time with him...

Part of the walks and talks are for me regarding behavior that's not acceptable. Better to address it then, rather than in the moment.

My youngest is now 14 and I can't believe the maturity level change compared to last year! So remember hang in there and take good care of yourself...

11 years ago

Cary

Active Member

I also have a 5th grader, 10 years old. He is a sweet, happy kid still, but I can see some of that grumpy grumperton creeping in. He loves music, and I can always get him out of bed and going in the morning by blasting Minecraft parody songs. Viva la Vida in Minecraft terminology? Oh yeah baby!

He's not close to his dad, so I'm grateful that my husband (his stepdad) is extremely in tune with my son's journey toward manhood. It's really hard to know what a boy needs sometimes! I can see that DS will need to spend more and more time with DH as he grows older. I can be the greatest mom in the world but I can't teach him to be a man.

Boys are so awesome though, I wouldn't change a thing!

11 years ago

catgirl

Veteran

I will have try the Minecraft parodies! We also like reading the same books and I have been watching some of his shows with him (Gravity Falls)...

11 years ago

amiable

Veteran

My eldest is almost 12, and seems to have sprouted a bit early. A bit over a year ago, he started having anger issues. So we sat down and talked about growing up, and how emotions like anger felt really strong. We told him that the emotions weren't wrong, but sometimes we dealt with them wrongly, and hurting another person because he was mad was never okay (he had recently shoved his sister into a wall - not hard enough to hurt her, but out of anger nonetheless). We decided that we'd come up with some things that he could do when he just needed some space to calm down and get over anger. (He landed on whittling, or going outside and digging holes in the yard or climbing a tree). Physical exertion seems to help a lot. We've revisited the topic several times, and I definitely think he's improving in anger management. (That's not to say that he wants to talk to me or anything like that - but he's learning some self control at least).

Now if I could figure out what to do about the girls that have recently taken to trying to get his attention....

11 years ago

Gaylene

Veteran

Just popping back in with another comment.

I think one of the hardest parts of being a parent is coping with your kids' desire to lessen their dependence on you. On one hand, we know independence is a crucial step in becoming a confident, self-sufficient adult, but it's hard when emotionally every instinct you have tells you to snuggle them close to you so you can continue to guide and help them as they struggle through adolescence. Negotiating a balance is tricky because it involves you giving up more and more of what you want as your son is able to gain more and more of what he needs.

11 years ago

catgirl

Veteran

Gaylene, very true. I have always encouraged DS to be independent but now that he's actually taking it to heart I am all "but WAIT!"...

Like Deborah, we are a tight knit family of 3 and really cherish our time together. Weekends once a month at the cabin have always been a tradition and a sort of free zone regarding junk food, movies and lying around playing games. I am hoping to do that for at least another year, although sports and social activities are suddenly the order of the day.

Perhaps I'M the one who needs to become more independent!

I do love having a boy because I've seen how girls can be with their kind. And I think people are right that he is right at the age of "my mom is a GIRL?" - he is all interested in who has a crush on whom and other drama in his school. Luckily I know his teacher and class well, so if anything is amiss there I'd hopefully get the heads up.

He has improved already so it may just be back to school blues and the roller coaster of kid-hood!

11 years ago

Deborah

Veteran

Just had to pop back to say that there are days when I think if I have to listen to one more minecraft parody I will scream! M11 also watches Epic Man (?) who does a variety of parodies. But truth be told I am really glad he wants to share them with me lol.

11 years ago

Cary

Active Member

Funny Deborah! Mostly he has to use his headphones. Last weekend he and his cousin were singing them together all day. Cute/horrible!

11 years ago

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