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Moms - to push or not to push, that is the question ...

Helena

Veteran

Hi there, hoping to ask for some parenting thoughts and insights. My son, whose in Grade 3, is very bright and capable; however, he can be extremely unmotivated. For example, he doesn't participate in any extracurricular activities (except piano, which has been a battle), his homework is a daily battle and his effort is inconsistent, he drags his feet about going to church every Sunday, even though it's the same thing, every week. He loves to swim but I can't get him into structured classes (literally - he has physically resisted). Playdates can be a battle - he'd usually rather hang out at home with his dad. He loves to play hockey (for fun, though, not structured), draw comics, read, etc - when he decides to do something, he is highly motivated - but only on his own terms.

Now, one part of me feels very strongly that I need to let him figure out his own way and help him be confident in the way he is rather than trying to change him. As I'm writing, I'm thinking, well he sounds like a normal kid whose mom is trying to shape him to the cultural mold of "go-getter" and athlete. But another part of me worries that he will is going to miss out on the opportunity to master a sport of activity, and will resent us for not pushing harder. Although, he does play baseball in the summer and gives that a good effort, I will say, as well as swimming lessons which he is a really strong swimmer, but only private ones - the public ones, as mentioned, I can't even get him in the pool.

The funny thing is, my daughter is totally different - joins every club, does extra homework, helps with housework without being asked, would have a friend over every day if she was allowed - she is Miss Motivated and always has been a real keener. So the other part of me (I have lots of parts, apparently) wonders whether what I do ultimately has much impact at all!

Anyways, sorry for the novel ... love to hear the different thoughts and opinions. I am not painting a lovely picture, but he is a great kid - polite, kind-hearted, a really loving big brother, a loving son, lots of friends and liked by other parents and teachers because he's a good guy. I feel like I am answering my own question in a way - but still love and appreciate your thoughts. Thx!!

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34 replies

Latest reply was from unfrumped

Adelfa

Veteran

Hi TG, I feel your pain! I also had one of each.

My philosophy--first, push as hard as needed on the essentials. So for me that was school and church. As far as extracurriculars, I would pick a maximum of one activity to push on. Zero would be okay too. Sounds like he's getting plenty of exercise and is social so you don't need to push for those reasons.

What I wanted to avoid was a lifestyle of pushing, or even more important, a relationship with my child that was mostly about pushing. I also wanted my child to find her own motivation and not to rely on me for it. Today she is a successful, hard-working attorney who is ultra passionate about the issues that she specializes in. Also we are really good friends!

I know how hard it can be to parent a child like that. Good luck!

Helena

Veteran

Adelfa, what a sensible approach. Thank you so much for sharing this!!

Aziraphale

Veteran

Hmm, interesting dilemma. (I tell you, this mothering business is a lot trickier than I thought it would be! And why is it always the unforeseen problems that are the most difficult to deal with?). My daughter was a bit the same way.

Here's what I'd do:

1. Choose your battles. Right now, everything's a battle. You can't win them all, but you can win some. I agree that it's good for kids to do a few activities -- but on the other hand, on of the problems in our culture is that kids are increasingly overscheduled! I signed my daughter up for soccer when she was six. She played (unenthusiastically) for two years, and then we told her that she could quit if she wanted to, but she had to pick something else. Anything else. She chose violin. So with your son, what if you tried telling him he has to pick one organized activity, but the choice is totally up to him? Not every kid needs to be an athlete. And then let things unfold after that. He may eventually join a sport later on. My daughter voluntarily signed up for martial arts two years ago -- it turns out that ball sports were not her thing. She is now 11, still plays violin (although practising is still sometimes a struggle -- but music teachers tell me this is the norm), and also happily signed up for school band. I didn't ask her to. She just wanted to.

2. Not everyone is going to agree with me here, but I wouldn't make your son go to church every week. If religion is important to you, go once a month. Sermons are boring for a child, and they don't get a lot out of it. Your kid will learn the values you teach him whether or not you take him to church. In some cases, attending church will produce a churchgoing young adult, but in other cases, it will do the opposite. My dad, who was forced to attend church every weekend of his childhood, never sets foot in one now if he can help it. In my case, being taken to church (even though it was only on occasion, by my grandma) merely created an intense skepticism of organized religion, although this would probably have happened anyway, because I think some of us are just natural atheists and no amount of religious instruction is going to change that.

What you say about your son being highly motivated, but only on his own terms -- I see that as a sign of strength of character. He is an independent thinker. As an adult, he will be good at whatever he chooses to do.

The part of you that 'wonders whether what I do ultimately has much impact at all' is probably the part that is onto something. I often wonder if all kids need, at least where parenting is concerned, is consistency and lots of hugs. Everything else is just us pulling our hair out over things we can't change anyway.

celia

Veteran

I mostly agree with Adelfa. (But take my opinion with a huge grain of salt because I am a bit free thinking in my approach to education)
Make him do what you feel is essential like school and church, just like Adelfa says. To those bodily drag him if needed.
To the things you know he likes, like swimming, but might not do because he is a child and children are like that, make him do them.
Everything else just let him find his own way.
My DD is a little bit like that, extremely motivated for what she likes(thankfully school and learning seem to be one of them) but give her a repetitive task and you won't get anything out of her.
It is difficult as a parent to judge and be very aware of the fine line between pushing your kid and crushing their spirit because you are trying to make them into something they are not.
And it seems that we do this balancing act everyday about everything.
I always try to put things into the perspective of 'if I am not here, when she is an adult and I cannot make her do things as I want to, will my actions today make her have something to fall back on, or am I just ruining her chance of loving something because I am forcing it at the wrong time of her life?'

celia

Veteran

Just adding because Aziraphale made a good point.
When I talk about taking to church I mean giving him some religious organized education(catechism or whatever other form it takes on your religion).
Not necessarily go to church to sit with the grownups.
Neither my husband or I expect DD to follow our religion just because we tell her to. It's her own choice when the time comes. We just want to give the opportunity to learn about it.

Gaylene

Veteran

As you say, I think you've answered your own question just by writing out your thoughts.

After spending decades teaching kids of all ages, I can honestly say that it's rare to hear KIDS complain that their parents ought to push them harder, and, in my experience, adults who use that comment are usually trying to look for an excuse or rationalization.

I personally think parents ought to take their lead from their child. Forcing, even gently, someone to do what you want may have unintended consequences--you might win the battle, but you are very likely to lose the war. It sounds like you are providing your son with lots of opportunities to get involved with all kinds of activities, but I'd let him decide how far he wants to go. With my own kids, I found motivation actually increased once I backed away from "helping". It's not easy to sit on the sidelines and be still but it's often extremely effective to let kids figure things out for themselves.

Elle

Veteran

I agree with Adelpha. Only use parental pressure for things that are very important to you. He sounds like a normal kid. Where is it written that kids have to do sports or have organized activities?

For me, school, going to religious services at holidays, and learning to swim were non negotiable. I had to use rewards to get my son to a certain level of swimming mastery and he knew that once he got there, he could quit. My daughter on the other hand, loved swmming and ended up on her high school swim team.. My advice (for what it's worth) is to follow your kid's temperment rather than trying to change it.

Aziraphale

Veteran

I've been thinking about this for the past couple of hours, because it's an important topic. How much, as parents, can we shape our children? How much should we?

I signed my daughter up for soccer because part of me wished that I had played soccer as a child. It's not that it wasn't a choice. My parents offered it to me, but I was new to the city and the sport, and I was too intimidated. I had never played soccer, and I would have been joining a bunch of girls who already knew each other and had been playing for a few years, so I said no. To their credit, my parents didn't force me.

(Actually, that answers one of your questions: no, I do not resent my parents for not pushing me harder. I am not a soccer player, and it's true that I wish I was, but I think too much pushing would have backfired. I was pretty strong-willed).

I also thought soccer would be 'good' for my girl. Lots of other little girls played. It's healthy exercise and good clean fun. It's a good social opportunity and helps build a sense of 'being a team player' -- something that's useful for life in general. I have adult friends who are still on soccer teams. It seemed like the perfect thing. But, after watching my daughter play for two years -- half-heartedly and, frankly, badly! -- I realized a couple of things (besides the obvious one, i.e. that my daughter doesn't care about soccer). For one, my daughter isn't as social as I expected her to be. She gets along fine with others, but she's not the team type. She doesn't want or need many people in her life. I am embarrassed to admit that this was difficult to accept. Two, as healthy as soccer is, it isn't the only worthwhile pastime a person can have. My daughter is, like your son, a strong-willed, independent thinker. She's much more interested in individual sports and activities where she's competing against herself. Just because she's not as extraverted as I expected her to be doesn't make her 'weird'.

I think I may have got off topic a little here, but I just wanted you to know that I've had the same urges to mould my children's lives as you have. What parent doesn't want the best for their kid? The trick is figuring out what really is best for your kid, as well as when to get involved vs. when to step back. And I am still struggling to learn the answers to those questions. xo

Eliza

Veteran

TG- you've got this. In one way or other, this seems to be a universal parenthood dilemma. Just a few thoughts from the other side:

Is your son outgoing? In need of down time to putter around in his room, daydream and read? To what degree is his disinterest in structured activities reflective of his general temperament and way of being in the world, vs. perhaps stemming from something else- a negative social experience, lack of confidence in what he brings to an activity or just being unsure how to start?
From how you describe him, he may be both capable and yet prefer to literally swim in smaller ponds right now and opt out of certain "larger scale" situations. As long as there is no sense of anything simmering for him, I'd have no issue with non-essentials falling by the wayside for now. As the parent of two adults of entirely different temperaments, time taught me that some of what my kids opted out of reflected their understanding of themselves.

With your son, I would be focused on understanding his preferences, what he likes/doesn't like about a particular thing and using these discussions as an opportunity to put tools in his toolbox. This will give you the info you need to help him navigate the requirements and options in his life, and him the ability to self assess and craft effective ways to manage the unappealing. He may look at situations only as "yes" or "no", yet there could be ways to make a no a yes if he could communicate what would make it work for him. These adjustments are often simple and nothing I ever would have thought of as a mom.

Parenthood is challenging these days, as structured activities are everywhere from such an early age and every possibility seems so "professionalized". I found it helpful to opt out of the pressures by focussing on knowing my kids and sorting out what worked for the family. Wasn't always easy...

All the best. I think you are on to something as you note the differences between your two kids. I always felt that whatever I learned from one, didn't apply directly to the other and that it was nature's way of keeping parents humble.

Astrid

Veteran

I'm similar to your son, same as my brothers - I have a hard time to find motivation to get up and do something. But when I decide to do it and I love something I can put considerable effort into it. My sister is different: she plays two instruments, does sports, takes part in extracurricular science and language classes in school...

When I was in second grade I started playing the clarinet (after two years of much hated violin lessons before that) and I had a hard time to stay motivated and practice. When I was 13 or 14 I had no motivation left at all and my parents told me I had to practice or they wouldn't pay for the lessons. I didn't want to stop playing but I couldn't motivate myself to practice. It was a huge stressor and both me and my parents were a bit traumatised by the arguments, in hindsight. Then they made the decision for me and I had to quit and they sold my clarinet. I still think that if they would have just waited a bit, I probably would have played more again. It was just that age. Some time ago I decided to take lessons again, as an adult, paid by my own money. I had to start from scratch and I still can't motivate myself often enough to practice as I should, but it's my money and no one can force me to quit. And I bought a new clarinet too, so I have my own instrument now. I will never be like my sister who practices both the violin and piano regularly, just like that, but that's alright.

My youngest brother who is 11 just quit piano and has started to learn trumpet. Not sure if the motivation for that will last longer, but he seems to enjoy it for now. Oh and he only continued to play soccer because my parents urged him to keep going, but now he likes it again. But there were specific reasons he wanted to quit and he hadn't told my parents at first. But now he's in a different club and it's fine. I guess you should always take care to look closely at the reasons for listlessness...

columbine(erin)

Veteran

I like what Astrid said about looking for the reasons for listlessness. My observation may not apply in your case at all, but I do see a lot of kids who aren't taking Communion yet, start to resent church, I think partly because they feel excluded. Which makes me sad. Jesus does want the children to come to Him. Maybe your child has taken classes or whatever and is allowed to have Communion, but I was just thinking about this. My kids are 3 and 5 and struggle with this. They aren't quite old enough to make a credible profession to the elders unfortunately. I've made them a pictorial schedule of what happens at church and they do like to follow along, and they do like to sing certain hymns that we practice at home. I let them do quiet activities during the service that we don't do at any other time, as well. I don't know if you could give your son a certain activity or treat that you only have on Sundays perhaps.

Helena

Veteran

Everyone ... I am SO GRATEFUL for all your input ... running between activities at the moment ... but going to re-read everything later on and respond ... in short though, you are such a wise and wonderful bunch! xoxo

Aziraphale

Veteran

Columbine, correct me if I'm wrong, but ALL three- to five-year-olds have trouble sitting still in church! (My grandma used to bribe me with books). If you do a good job teaching your kids your Christian values, they may eventually come to appreciate what religion has to offer. It's also possible that they won't want to attend church as adults, but that won't make them worse as people.

Anonymous

Your son sounds like my DD. She will be 21 in a very short time. DD liked to swim so we joined a swim club. She was always in the water but did not want to be on the swim team. She took tap and ballet for fun- no recitals. She also took piano lessons for 8 years and it was always a battle to get her to practice. She was good and loved going to her piano teacher but I had to make her practice. When I finally saw that she truly was not improving I stopped paying for lessons (too expensive). She played violin in grade school and was very good and then dropped it before middle school for unknown reasons. I had to check to make sure she did her homework every night and that she had ample time to complete projects, etc.

So what did I finally learn from all of this, and mind you it took me until she finished her freshman year in college to realize this - that she is just fine. DD is smart. She was tested for the gifted program in kindergarten and really wanted to be part of the program. She was accepted into the program and though she liked what they did in Humanities, she hated social studies - this is where they place the kids who are accepted into the gifted program in our school district. She was always on the honor roll and finished in the top 20% of her high school class. She scored a 2160 on her SAT's and only took them once and never took a prep course. She entered college with 18 credits and will be graduating later this year with a degree in math and physics.

She told me once that she has to figure things out on her own and while she was scared to try new things, she gave it lots of thought and observation first. In her own words, she is not a risk taker and does not want to make bad decisions. She thinks things through and makes the best possible decisions she can. She hangs out with kids who are serious about their studies and their future. She realizes the value of a good education and is grateful that we did not force her to do things she either wasn't ready or did not what to do. I am very proud of her. Now I completely understand.

rachylou

Veteran

I think *push but don't break*, be mindful of the possible why's behind lack of motivation, consider the manner in which you push.

My dd had a bit of a problem with fine-motor eye movements. Reading was really difficult for her. She'd refuse to practice, do her homework. And one day she has one of her tantrums and says, "I can't be as good as you at it, why bother?"

So that was very interesting. First, we had to clear up the fact that very very few people are going to be as good as me, haha (*I'm a professional*), certainly not a little kid. That was not the goal. Second, you betcha there is no choice in this matter. So every night, we had to do some reading from a story. We took turns reading out loud, because... let's face it, children do as you do, not as you say.

Anyways, one day we pick a ridiculously difficult book - Malory's Morte D'Arthur, without the benefit of modern additions like commas and regularised spelling. Well, her musical brain was particularly well-suited to parsing that unpunctuated, repetitive whatnot and that was rewarding. She up and finished off all one thousand pages on her own.

Right, and to end... you know, this is all applicable to dogs too... but sadly there is no way for me to even feign interest in those fenced, stamp-sized dog parks and now neither does my dog...

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I agree with Gaylene. Does your son give any reasons for not wanting to do things? IMO the biggest gift we can give our children is to think for themselves - sounds like your son is on that path

I like the story of the boy who was "trained" to do everything his parents told him to do. In his middle teens he got into drugs. His parents couldn't understand it & took him to a psychologist. They said "He used to be such a good boy, he always did everything he was told to do." The (wise) psychologist said "He is still doing everything he is told to do - but by his friends not by you."

Summer

Veteran

TG, from what you have told us I think your son sounds a lovely young man. You say he is polite, kind-hearted and popular at school. He also enjoys sport, but recreationaly rather than competitively. I wouldn't have a problem with that. He is still gaining confidence and keeping himself fit and active. He also enjoys drawing and reading, so he seems to have hobbies to keep him occupied. I honestly wouldn't worry too much, but just encourage his own particular interests and talents and let him find his own level of competency in them.

As for his school work, obviously you want him to apply himself, which may be easier said than done. Maybe you can just set firm guidelines regarding the amount of time he should spend on homework, then encourage and praise him when he does knuckle down to it.

No two children are the same, and motivation has to come from within. I'm sure that when your son finds something that really engages him he will find that motivation.

carter

Veteran

In your mind, what's required to be a contributing member of the family? These are the items your son needs to understand are non-negotiable. My kids knew that I expected the following of them:
--School work is top priority
--If something needs doing around the house, do it (take the trash out when it's full, put your dishes in the dishwasher, if the dog's sitting at the back door with her legs crossed, take her out, etc)
--life is full of command performances, so get over yourself (grandparent's visits, grown up events, other child's activities, etc)

I viewed activities as a privilege, after the non-negotiable items were done. Each child could do one activity at any given time, assuming grades were good, all other family requirements were being met. My son eagerly chose many activities (Scouts, karate, soccer, wrestling, football) through 9th grade. He did each for a couple years, then he was done. as an 11th grader, he's choosing to concentrate heavily on academics, and his GPA reflects that. My daughter, on the other hand wanted NO organized activities until 6th grade when she suddenly blossomed into the volleyball queen and school ambassador. She played varsity volleyball and was team captain all through high school.

Kids are different. Heck, my brother and I are polar opposites. Same with my husband and one of his sisters. Different is normal. Just decide what the baseline is for your family, let the kids know what's expected of them and the rest will work itself out.

Deborah

Veteran

Sounds like my son a few years back

Extracurricular Activities, my son wasn't interested in any, and what we did try didn't last. Until last year, after talking about karate for months and months we booked in him and he is doing so well. Loving it, enjoying the other kids, got his first belt and totally excited and movitated.

I know some families who have extracurricular activities almost every night after school. I don't think that is necessary at all. If my boy wants to take on a second activity outside of school (we do go through phases of going Roller Skating on Saturday mornings) we are on board but that's it.

Home Work, my son at 12 sounds the same. Speeds through it at 100 miles an hour, does not always give it the attention it requires. But we are working on that. I have taken it upon myself to become more involved with the homework, particularly if he is working on a project type of thing. We will discuss it, I get him to tell me how he is going to do it, etc etc. And I keep heaping praise and encouragement on him throughout.

Church, he loves going to church and has just transitioned in the junior youth group. Our programs are very good and activity and relationship focussed. - My son is very social.

Aziraphale said pick you battles, and I agree 100%. I believe it absolutely crucial to raise children of good and strong character. Kids who can make good choices and can think for themselves. It sounds like your little man is on that track. Personality has to be taken into account also. Some kids are super outgoing and into everything, some are not.

I would encourage you to not worry, keep encouraging and suggesting things, and watch his little personality grow and develop.

Helena

Veteran

Thanks so much everyone! I've just had a chance to re-read the earlier comments, and read the new ones, and the first thing I want to say is, what a blessing to have such a great group of women to bounce these kinds of things off of.

I feel like a lot of this wisdom is affirming what I want to be confident about but have not been, which is that he is more than likely JUST FINE and will benefit more from our confidence and faith then our pushing. I love the approach of really clarifying, with him and ourselves, the non-negotiables (which is basically school and showing good character), and then letting the rest go - not giving up per se, but lightening up, offering, chatting about the why and why nots, but ultimately trusting him to work it out.

I really appreciate everyone sharing the stories of their kids who are similar, or their own experiences! It makes me feel so much better, as it can feel like everyone else's kid is in 10 activities at the competitive level (of course, every if that was actually true, which it isn't at all, it shouldn't influence how I raise my son!)

On the church thing, which turned out to be an interesting sideline in this discussion, I actually agree with everyone - to Aziraphale's points, our particular church is very affirming of a wide range of beliefs, such that everything is up for question, so I actually think it's a great place for a skeptical thinker such as himself, as they will not try and talk him out of it, but rather respect it as a perfectly valid path. On the other hand, the emphasis is really on the type of people we are and we want them to have that extra level of exposure (not that one needs to go to church to learn this, but it supports us in what we want to teach); the public school system where we are has an INCREDIBLE "character curriculum" which helps too. At the end of the day though, he does need to come with us as a matter of practicality, but again, we can probably respect his right to not want to go, without bowing to it.

In any case, I am taking a deep breath - I need to lay off and let him be. We went skating after school today, after years that he wouldn't go, one day he decided he could skate, and by Lord he did and is now great at it. He may never be in a formal program, but he can get out of the pond to play hockey with his friends, have fun and stay fit and have some team play, which is the point anyways.

Ah ... I've written another novel. Can't thank you ladies enough ... you are wonderful! xoxoxo to you all!!!!

Adelfa

Veteran

Another thought. When my girls were young, I usually let them have one activity, or at the most two. I didn't even want to think about the effect on our family life, or on their emotional health and energy levels, if we did more than that. At the same time DD2 had a friend her age who was in 6-7 activities.

Guess what--that girl went to Harvard, and my girls didn't. But as I'm sure you already realize, THAT'S OKAY. My girls managed to get wonderful educations anyway. It might sound silly to mention Harvard, but I actually knew parents who were trying their best to get kids into Harvard (even in the backwater agricultural little town that we lived in). We can, consciously or unconsciously, have these strange, exaggerated, mythical ideas of what we eventually want for our kids. Which can take us away from the goals of physical and emotional health, good character, and a solid fundamental education.

I think you're right--he's going to be just fine.

columbine(erin)

Veteran

To clarify, Aziraphale, my kids are used to church, and as long their hands are busy, drawing or whatever, we get through the service just fine. It's being excluded from communion that frustrates them and makes them not want to participate at all, on occasion. My dad reminded me that if they start to hate church, I've missed the whole point, really, so I do my best to keep it a positive experience.

Helena

Veteran

Me too Columbine ... our church is very kid-friendly, but still lots of coloring happens

Echo

Veteran

He sounds like a normal 3rd grade boy, IMO. I have two boys and a girl, and they are WORLDS apart in terms of how they prioritize school and their extra-curriculars. My boys were very similar to yours in that they seemed unmotivated and even... well, a little bit lazy.

School work was priority one, of course, though it is still a battle. They just don't see it as that big a deal. But completing things, putting in effort, turning things in on time - all those things are non-negotiable. My boys were never athletic and still aren't. I allowed them to be themselves and not be involved in much extra-curricular activity through middle school. I told/tell them that once they entered high school, they had to be involved in at least one activity outside of school hours - sports, band, science club, a foreign language club, forensics, etc.

My older son found a teacher who played Magic the Gathering (a card game), and convinced him to start an after school group for it (DS was in 8th grade at the time). It started with just a few boys, and now there are so many kids that they had to move it to a larger room and the teacher was allowed to make it an official club at the high school. On top of that, he is involved in forensics, Spanish Club and Science Club - and he's only a frehsman. Basically, there just weren't things that interested him in elementary and middle school because the options were so limited and he wasn't interested in sports. High school opened up a whole other world of activities.

So while one extra activity might be okay to "force" him to do, I wouldn't push too much. Some kids are dreamers and need their down time just as much as they need food and oxygen. He will discover things that matter to him, and once he does, he will move mountains to be able to be involved. But he has plenty of time to find them and to find the motivation within himself. I tend to think we overschedule young children, and I'm not sure it does them any favours.

Aziraphale

Veteran

It's such a tough balance with the scheduling of activities, though. Echo, I too feel that we overschedule our kids as a generation -- don't you remember having lots of time for free play outside with the neighbourhood kids? I do. My kids literally never get that! No one lets their kids out alone! Instead, they are all in sports, music lessons, scouts etc every day after school. It's exhausting.

The problem is, though, that you do want them in an activity or two, because a bit of structure isn't a bad thing. I'm pretty sure, for example, that if I let my 7-year-old son make up his own schedule, he would play Minecraft eleven hours a day, and yap away about Minecraft to anyone who will listen for the remaining two waking hours.

The trick is deciding, for some kids, how much is too much; and for others, how much is enough.

Columbine: Lol, good point!

chadya

Veteran

I would focus on school first, homework is to be done as soon as they get home .
Have a snack sit home and do homework then off to do TV or whatever else they want to do. Playdates: they did homework or most of it at the same time.

Then 1 activity.

Religion, I think if you force it on a kid it is a guarantee that as soon as they have a choice they are never going back,

jackiec

Veteran

Hi TG. You've received lots of good advice so far. Just know you are not alone. My boys are just like your kids. #2 calls me from school practically every day asking if so and so can come over, or can they go somewhere, etc etc.

Actually, I'll PM you.

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

That describes my daughter now 23 and we've talked about that and see it was her introverted nature. My youngest is exactly the same...I agree to the necessities and then finding one activity that excites him. He never jumps trying anything but we push for at least one attempt as new opportunities arise...

Carla

Veteran

DS #1 told me an interesting story after I 'pushed' him to take advantage of a snow day, and finish a report that was due.

He had dropped his papers, and was reassembling the report when a classmate asked him what he was doing. He whinged about how his mom had 'made him' do homework on a snow day, and so his report was done.

DS told me the other kid said, "I wish my parents cared enough about me to make me do my homework."

There is an argument for 'pushing' when the initial charm of an activity wears off, but you need to pick your battles. I think it helps if you are involved in the activity as well, rather than a spectator. The Family Swim on Saturdays was something DH and I enjoyed and shared with the kids. This segued into lessons. FWIW, this is one sport/activity that can save your life!

Like other folks here, DH and I tried for balance between structured or organized activities, and self directed time. I will admit homework was a constant battlefield though, and I doubt my pushing instilled any lasting behaviours.

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