TG, is your son a bright introvert? Many bright boys are bored in school and find homework to be busy work and a waste of time -- which it is for kids who don't need the practice or reinforcement. Girls tend to be more compliant.

I'm also wondering if sports that are more individually challenging would appeal to him more --- like martial arts or track where you try to beat your personal best.

There is some book out there or at least there was maybe 15 years ago that matches musical instruments with kids' personal temperaments and physical body types. For example, one doesn't quickly become good at violin; with some instruments you can play a recognizable tune relatively quickly. If you are social & be with a group, piano is too lonely. My DD loves to sing, but in a choir setting because she doesn't like the pressure of solo singing and having everyone look at her. Diff'rent strokes!

Science Club, Chess Club, Debate Team -- lots of things that may appeal to your son just may not be available at the third grade level! It'll all work out.

My son is 13. You could be describing him since he was about 3. Last year, we found out that he has anxiety. Particularly, social anxiety : which is why he wouldn't do organized sports or play music for sooooo long. He has been taking drum lessons now for almost 3 years and last year told us he wanted to start guitar too. He still won't do anything publicly...but he has things he loves now.

Please remember, that he may not find it a "loss" to not "master" anything. He may find it more calming not to. He is also still quite young . For us, exposure and not pushing, was the key.

Good luck.

Thanks all for your continuing insights and stories. So appreciated. Reading them all with great appreciation.

TG, I'm relatively new at this parenting gig (3 year old son and 6 year old daughter) but your son sounds like a pretty cool kid. He seems similar to my sister and mom who are very intellectual, artsy, and homebodies. On the other hand, my dad and I are sporty, outdoorsy people who prefer to be out and about.

I think every family member brings something different to the table and your little guy is still so young - maybe his "thing" won't come along for a few more years. For example, my sister started playing the bass in middle school and she is now a working musician. Maybe his thing will be film, or books, or cooking? Kids have so much time to grow up and find themselves.

My daughter swims three days a week with a club, but we would never force her to. She wants to go to every practice and loves every minute of it. But her drive to swim is naturally there out of her love for being in the water. She's still so young that we don't force her to take part in the swim meets - when she's ready, we'll be there in the stands cheering her on.

My little guy is still a mystery to us, except that he's a wound up ball of energy. But we asked him if there was an activity he wanted to try and he asked for skating lessons. Right now he loves it, but next year he might choose something else - or nothing - and that will be okay. More time to snuggle with me.

Sometimes I also think our kids tell us what they want to do and we don't listen. When I was a kid, I told my mom I wanted to learn how to play drums. My mom said no though because she thought it would be too loud, so I played the flute. And hated it. I really, really wanted to play drums and it was a major disappointment not being given the opportunity to try them. My mom now wishes she'd never said no - I keep this story in mind when I'm parenting my own kids.

Your situation sounds pretty normal!
I agree with taking an empathetic path that helps you know more about your son than just insisting on certain extracurricular activites. And I guess being alert to whether he seems to have friends (even if just a few close ones) and be happy, generally.

For priorities, at the time our girls were growing up, I felt I was not successful in enforcing chores and citizenship in the home. DH was very conflict-avoidant and that didn't help, but I could have done more.
We did have our girls do their own laundry from an early age--boy, that was helpful since "picking up" could often involve tossing random clothes, even clean ones, in the hamper.
Also being engaged in regular volunteer activities should have the same weight, or more, than band or sports--something of choice, but "giving".

I'm saying that in the sense of, maybe you can't teach all of that, but still it seemed part of, life is teamwork and doing your share, and parents are not the kids' personal servants. And probably if parents just "wait" for kids to help out around the house, that doesn't happen often. And also, many kids could not do the 3, 4 or 5 extracurricular things if they also were helping with daily chores. Or, the family could brainstorm about, how can we work together to make this happen ? (Maybe it would require a major Tidying first!)

I actually don't think that's a bad thing for kids to see that figuring out how to do these activities and still eat healthy meals (many of my kid's parents tossed a MacDonalds meal at them on the way to gym or whatnot), keep the car running, etc and the parents also have some time for rejuvenating activities is a family concern.

So "pushing" to me is quite okay for those things, with significant consequences for not doing it, if example and encouragement aren't working.