"Middle age frump" and how to avoid it? - YouLookFab Forum

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"Middle age frump" and how to avoid it?

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

this has been on my mind more and more lately. I'm turning 40 next month and don't really want to look any older or more matronly. However, as my DH said the other day"some of your outfits make you look older". Thanks, hon, just what every woman wants to hear, lol! Lot of my outfits fall into classic category, even though I dress more trendy on the weekends. But my love of silk scarves obviously makes me look more "mature" in his opinion. Yikes! I guess my question would be what kind of clothes/accesories considered frumpy or more matronly and how NOT to look older!

Dressing

48 replies

Latest reply was from christieanne

Aziraphale

Veteran

High five, fellow 1972 baby!

OK, I confess I've thought about this too....I lead a casual lifestyle, and I've got lots of casual clothes, and I've wondered if there will come a point where I'll look to old for some of the clothes, and in a backhand way this will make me look older.

It seems to me that you can make yourself appear older by wearing clothes that are very classic but frozen in time, right? (We've all seen the elderly lady who still wears her hair in a bouffant from 1960 because, to her, that's the pinnacle of hair stylishness). So I think the trick is to keep it current without being trendy. If you're a classic dresser, you can go right on being a classic dresser, but be aware of how the details change as the years go on. Some things, like pencil skirts and blazer, will always look stylish, depending on what you wear them with. I really think that frumpy/matronly has more to do with HOW something is worn, and not the item itself. And everybody is different. What might look matronly on one woman looks fresh on the next.

qfbrenda

Veteran

Taking notes.... another 1972 baby here.

HelenInCanada

Veteran

I turned 40 a few months ago, and I have to be honest - I feel more confident than ever. I'm more sure of what I like and don't like, rather than worrying that I should be copying the herd better, etc. I think if you keep trusting your own tastes & instincts, and experiment a bit with adding something unexpected to your classic look, you'll stay fresh and never become that "bouffant lady". LOL!

KikiG

Veteran

I don't have the answer, but I struggle in this area and I have some thoughts:

Hair: Apply the 2 year rule--if your hair is exactly the same for two years in a row, do something different. Nothing is more dating than a "frozen in time" hairstyle. I met my new doctor this week, and the first thing I thought was, "dated 80s hair." Also, consider coloring your hair. Even before gray hair is an issue, hair can fade.

Jewelery, shoes, bags: Resolve doubt on the side of trendy, and on the side of "early adopter." What I really mean is to make yourself a little bit uncomfortable, instead of safe, with at least one item per day. Little bitty "real" necklaces look dated to me, but interesting costume necklaces, not so much.

Matchy/matchy: Unless you are wearing a suit for work and you need a very formal look, avoid your top and your bottom being made out of the same fabric.

Avoid vintage: I adore vintage looks on people who are obviously too young to have worn them in their day. Over 40, to me, it starts to look like you are simply wearing your own old clothes. Ick.

Show some skin: I don't mean be vulgar, but a scoop neckline isn't as frumpy as a high, tight jewel neckline. As I have aged, turtlenecks are high on my least-flattering list, but a cowl neck that shows some collarbone is still flattering.

Don't wear sweats or fleece unless you are home and freezing to death. Please. And if your sweat shirt has embroidery or pictures on it, please go find a grandma who will give it a good home.

Vildy

Veteran

I think it's more about whether or not your clothes have a current fit and proportional silhouette. If the first thing someone would think upon seeing you is "comfort" then
you're in danger of frumpy. The other thing is that you keep up with fashion knowledge so you're far less likely to chose frumpy options. Check out the Blair catalog online.
Don't wear those.

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Sorry KikiG but I need to take an exception on a couple of your comments: I'm 49 (and proud of it!) and do not colour my salt-n-pepper hair and I also wear vintage. I don't think I look frumpy (although maybe I'm delusional?!).

I agree with Vildy in that not looking frumpy has much to do with proper fit, flattering proportions and adapting current trends to work for you.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I'd love to know which outfits your hubby thinks "age you". That's where this should start.

Victoria, I am a 1970 baby and your style life gets better and better. I promise! The over 50 year olds on this forum are stellar inspiration.

Kiki, your thoughts are very interesting! Of your 6 "don'ts", I do 4 of them

- I've had a similar hairstyle for over 2 years and I don't see that changing yet.

- I LOVE suits and do the matchy-matchy thing. In fact, matchy-matchy is on trend.

- I wear vintage pieces.

- I wear turtlenecks all the time. They are my best neckline.

As with all items, it's how you wear them that counts. I do understand your thoughts though, and can relate to how arrived at them.

Isis

Veteran

I am also curious as to what your husband thought made you look older.

And, also, here's a different perspective. As a 55 yr old, I really do not mind looking older than I used to. 55 is great! I don't spend anytime wondering about my age, and how to look younger.

Frumpy is different; I don't want to look frumpy. Bad-fitting clothes are different, and I am trying to learn about the best fit for me.

But age in itself is not a bad thing. It happens to the best of us!

KikiG

Veteran

Transcona Shannon, you are rocking your look, and I have never seen a picture of you that looked remotely frumpy!

Here is what I am talking about: I saw a woman last week who was probably older than I am (older than 51). My guess was mid-50s or a very hard life. She had long, below shoulder length hair, lots of gray, not colored. She had on jeans, boots, a leather jacket and was carrying a bright brown deerskin purse with 18 inch long fringe. In her case, the vintage purse and the long, un-colored hair made her look "old hippy" not "hip and with it." At least, to me.

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

Angie, my DH thinks that button down with a scarf is aging although I don't always wear scarves this way. Well, he thinks that anything with a scarf is aging, lol. I can kind of see where this is kind of coming from because it can look matronly if you are not careful

Isis

Veteran

K--It's a matter of perspective. I sort of like the sound of the person you spied....in fact this could be an outfit that some of our most fab forum members would rock!

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

to add-Sarah's post about her outfit reminded me of lot of stuff I wear to work if anyone wants an idea what am I talking about

DonnaF

Veteran

I am a bit past middle age -- unless I live until I'm 119 -- but I looked at something in my closet yesterday and asked myself, "Is this something my (87 year old) mother would wear?" It was a beaded sweater in a flattering apple green. The color and price must have been what prompted me to buy it in the first place because yes, I could see my mom and her set wearing it. She dresses snazzily for her age, but asking WWMW can be a good guide.

I can understand that stuff that has been in my closet for ages can be frumpy, but I am still trying to wrap myself around the notion that stuff sold in stores NOW can still be frumpy. The other piece is that my body has changed (moved south) so that can contribute to the vibe of an outfit.

Isis

Veteran

V--I just looked through your WIW's and I don't see anything remotely frumpy about them. Perhaps your husband just doesn't like scarves? I also see cool jewelery, great fit in your WIW's....

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

First of all, 40 is not old. OK maybe you want to avoid mini skirts, but I made the mistake of dressing older when I turned 40. Now, at 53, I dress younger than I did in my early 40s. It just wasn't me to go head-to-toe JJill but that's what I did at 40.

Second, if you love scarves, don't abandon them! Continue to work at ways to tie them that looks modern and chic. It will come to you.

Third, I think footwear is something that easily puts you in frump territory. Having on trend shoes is a great way to set the tone for the whole outfit. A lot of footwear in the comfort category can look frumpy. Although some manufacturers are finally starting to realize that there *is* a market for comfortable, low or mid-heeled footwear that is fashionable.

(Going exclusively for comfort footwear was another mistake I made in my early 40s.)

milehighstyle (Linda)

Veteran

When I see someone I consider "frumpy" it's usually because of fit issues - pants too short, skirt hitting at an unflattering spot, bagginess all over. Sometimes it's the details - dainty gold jewelry, clunky footwear, glasses that haven't been updated to a current style, unstyled hair, outfits with no visual interest. Although, as Angie said in a recent post - it's hard to put a finger on the frump factor sometimes because some people can make things work that others can't.

Claudia

Veteran

Aging is quite fashionable -- EVERYONE is doing it!

Anonymous

I just turned 50 a few months ago, and I agree with all the advice and suggestions offered so far, especially the one about asking yourself the WWMW question. I hate the fact that it's so difficult to find stylish clothing for women, particularly those who are petite like me. I feel like we're being ignored by the fashion industry. Still, I somehow manage to find enough gems to keep me from looking like my mother. Not that my mother looked bad. I just don't want to dress older than I am, especially when I neither look nor feel my age.

Laurinda

Veteran

Claudia: "Aging is quite fashionable -- EVERYONE is doing it!"

sure beats the alternative.

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

Isis: thanks for ur comments. I feel better now, lol!

missvee

Veteran

Cocoliion is absolutely right when she talks about wearing current footwear. I don't think there is anything that dates an outfit more than dowdy shoes will. You can take the same classic outfit, say a pencil skirt and sweater, and add a smart pair of boots or booties and tights, and voila - the style factor will soar. I also agree that eyeglasses and hairstyles have to be current too.

Claudia

Veteran

Yes, Laurinda, it sure as heck does.

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

ok, ladies tell me if this is "older" look-I'm wearing it today at work. Black straight leg jeans, black flat sandals(I can't wear high heels)and top from Gap outlet.
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Transcona Shannon

Veteran

I love what you're wearing Victoria! The blouse is a current colour and cut, your jewelry is fab and funky, and everything fits well. You also have a very stylish hairstyle. Nothing frumpy here!

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

There is nothing aging about this outfit. The fitted low rise straight leg jeans, blousey tucked top, are on trend and anti-frump. I can't see your sandals though, so can't comment on the footwear factor.

Your lovely face looks so young to me. I know that 40 suddenly feels "old" but at 53 it seems really young again. So whenever I feel old, I try to look forward to 80 (if I get there) and think, wow, 53 was so young. So the lesson is: you are always going to be young to someone!

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

cocolion and shannon: thank you! I honestly feel better now . I think that because I'm about to be 40, I started feeling "old" for the first time and of course, DH didn't help with his comments about "mature outfits", lol. He means well but him saying "its ok to look 40, now if you were 40 and looked 60 that wouldn't be good" wasn't really something I wanted to hear!

ironkurtin

Veteran

It's funny how a comment from DH, who probably isn't as attuned to nuances in phrasing as some women can be, can be so painfully resonant. Your DH should be flattered you care so deeply what he thinks. Definitely press him for details!

jenanded

Veteran

Victoria, you just mentioned it later in these posts is that 40 is a weird mental place where you feel old. As Cocolion said she started wearing 'older' things until she realised it. And remember too your wonderful DH is ALSO moving along so his interpretation of self is walking alongside yours. My husband who has been very grey for 15 years was titchy about me giving up the bottle and he was so insightful when he said that there is only room for one grey haired person in this team!" I think you look super nice but its great you are reflecting on this place. As lots of others have said and how I think MaryK demonstrates, you get to a new place of accepting not being a 'kid' anymore and then you can go on being a more fantastic yourself again. SO looking forward to seeing more cute outfits!

Kristine

Veteran

I'm 40 so this has been on my mind also. My husband also happens to hate silk scarves on me. He's fine with woven scarves but something about silk just makes him think matronly.

I think some men find it hard to see their wives age. Of course we all age, but my husband has a fear of looking old. I'm in a business position so I have to wear suits and that sort of thing while he's still in jeans and t-shirts. In my quest to be "appropriate" (because I started with no clue how to dress at all), I've probably fallen a bit over to the conservative side.

I think your outfit is modern and young, I don't see frumpy at all. Being here is a great start. I'm sure Angie and the rest will sound the frump alarm for us if we venture into that territory.

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