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Life transitions and Anxiety

Sal

Veteran

Life is full of transitional times - and change - and I mostly relish and cope with that - by nature I enjoy variety and not being too much in a mold or rut.

But I am feeling anxious at the moment about a couple of transitions and wondering if the hive mind of the forum has any suggestions or wisdom to offer.

Here is the background and what is making me anxious

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My younger son leaves home in two weeks to go to university(college) about 5 hours drive away - he will do fine there I believe and is well set up to have a great experience. I am not anxious about how he will do but how I will cope as an empty nester.

I work with my husband in our business - it's a full on business with high levels of stress and responsibility - plus I have a role as a Voluntary Board Chair for regional sporting body. In my voluntary role I am not getting much support. It will be intense living and working with DH without sons at home

NZ has been very wet and stormy this month (and in Spring) and I believe it is Climate Change. We get conflicting advice and I take it on board too much (don't head to the beach - the roads are too damaged or do go to the beach - the businesses there need your support)

At the last minute I pulled out of a planned weekend away because I didn't trust the weather and the possibility of being stuck there with road closures and leaving our house unattended (it can't be locked due to work we are having done on it). I then feel bad because I should be there seeing old friends and have only myself to blame for not going
I am the person that my family and friends turn to as their rock or support person - because I am sensible and pragmatic and calm and kind - but every now and then it takes a toll on me to be that person for many others
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I have been anxious before - breathing exercises- good sleep - exercise and trying to not listen to too much "noise" all help. As I read the above I think I am catastrophising.

I suspect there's a hormonal element too - I am 52 and bound to be in perimenopause but don't know if I am or not

Any magic cures - I know there aren't (boo hoo) but I am open to suggestions for things that have helped others through these transitions.

Thanks in advance

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48 replies

Latest reply was from Sal

Aquamarine

Veteran

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I am too, for a couple of reasons, some similar to yours. Along with eating well, exercising—all those important things—I do try to meditate every day. It’s often just 5 or 10 minutes, but the daily practice is what’s important. Yes, breath work is part of it, but for me the take away lesson is to live in the moment. We cannot know what the future will bring, nor can we control it, so focusing on this moment can help for controlling my sometimes-paralyzing anxiety over life issues. I use the Calm app, but I’m sure there are others just as helpful. (It’s rich in so many things, I’ve barely skimmed the surface of its contents, after 1 year of almost daily use.)

unfrumped

Veteran

Sending support waves!

I agree with trying find ways to carve out “ me time” at home— music via earbuds, cup of your favorite tea— but also some kind of local getaway, lunch, a 20 min walk with a friend-that avoid the problems you currently have with a longer escape. It may require negotiating with DH because of covering the business—and surely each of you need a bit of time to be with girl or guy friends, sports, church group, whatever. Often things don’t turn out to be that easy so it will take some brainstorming— and thinking about what are your particular best de- stress activities, friends, escape.

rachylou

Veteran

Got to be honest… couldn’t deal with an empty nest. I got a dog. It sounds crazy and impossible because I also changed fields at the same time… had a puppy while going to school and then while working two jobs. But the only time we ever missed a walk was when I had surgery and when Lilypup had surgery. Not saying you need to get a dog, lol! I think the thing was the imposition of a new order… that I couldn’t wriggle out of…

Bijou

Veteran

Sal - you are not catastrophising, much of what you say really resonates with concerns that arise as we transition into life in our 50's and alas perimenopause is real! My girlfriends and I have a laugh about it - sharing stories and comparing notes.

Now is the time for you to put all of that "sensible and pragmatic and calm and kind" advice that you give to others right back to yourself. Much like when you were a new Mum, now is not the time to be worried about everyone else, you need to look after you first.

On reading your list, I am not sure of what time you get for you. Do you have activities you enjoy that are just for you? Perhaps stepping away from the role as Voluntary Board Chair is needed to give you some room to breathe.

Olive Green

Veteran

A lot of women feel quite out of control as menopause announces itself. Brain fog, fatigue, and anxiety are common, along with sleeplessness and t some uncomfortable physical symptoms.
And. Bad news. It can take years for things to renormalize in some other way.
Bioidentical hormones were a help, but I had to change. From doing an amazing (from todays standpoint) amount of work and travel and and and, I very reluctantly cut back and kept cutting back. In hindsight, had I reached out for help as you are doing, or even went into therapy for some solid support in changing, I would have had an easier time.
In my experience, when the support lady needs support, there is a period of initial confusion in relationships, and a lot of change back messaging, understandably.
It is a journey, as much as I hate that term. A warm hug from here, and you will get through it.

Cardiff girl

Veteran

Oh Sally l empathise!Being our age is tough.l know that society thinks that men run the world but actually it’s middle aged women usually without any of the acknowledgment or support of that fact .I also think ,particularly if we are copers ,other people find it hard to realise when we might need support but also we can feel that we can’t ask for that support.We might think ,wrongly,that It’s letting others down or burdening others .
Firstly ,and l know it’s hard,it’s time to put your own needs first for a while.No this is not being selfish .Alot of people obviously rely on you,if you go down it won’t help anyone.Think of it like servicing a car or maintaining a house,we all expect to spend time and money in maintaining these things so why not ourselves.
Think hard about what you want from the rest of your life,what’s important to you,what do YOU want from this part of your life.When you have that l would suggest it’s time to include your husband and as a couple decide how you are going to move forward.Suddenly becoming a couple again after being a family for so long is a big transition.Some people relish the freedom of children leaving home ,for others it’s more like a grief reaction.There is no right or wrong but being prepared is helpful.Mothers sometimes struggle more than dads.
Think about your work /life balance.
If necessary pay for some counselling to help you look at things with an objective person who isn’t a friend or family.l have girlfriends who are doing this expensive but beneficial .
Not everything is hormones but if you feel it might be discuss with your GP.
This time of life is full of big transitions and therefore can be very challenging but you’ve taken the important steps of recognising this and reaching out for support.l wish you all the best and take heart,a lot of post menopausal women say it’s one if the happiest times of their lives

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

You were so supportive of me as my son headed out! I’d like to do the same for you, but have no words of wisdom, doubt you want to move continents and start a whole new project, as I did. But maybe adding a little something that’s just for you, whether it’s a short evening ritual or a little hobby or group you join, could help with the intense togetherness with your husband.
If you and your son are close, then him experiencing new things, testing out new parts of him, can add to your life as he tells you about them. My son has stumbled, unsurprisingly, and is picking himself up as I had hoped would. It is so cool to watch him strengthen those wings! We have very long phone calls, usually as he works things through, but last night while I was driving, he kept me awake.
On the anxiety, I have become a big fan of pausing with the emotions, letting them course through my body and observing them as they do so. They are real and can point us to things we should pay attention to. Once you have allowed yourself to experience them, then you can move on. That’s been my experience anyway.
Keep us updated on how this goes <3

Irina

Veteran

Sal, sorry you are having a tough time. Happened to all of us around this age but that doesn’t help you. I suggest a visit to your doctor to discuss what help is appropriate and available to you. Like Olive Green, I wished I asked for a medical help sooner.

Other than that, finding a new project helps. I overhauled my wardrobe at the time, edited, reorganized it. Sorting things up always helps me to find a focus and a calming activity. Another activity for me - it was walking, maybe something else completely will work for you.

All life transitions are difficult but especially when one also deals with hormonal changes.

LJP

Veteran

My own experience with this was tough , I won’t pretend it wasn’t . Not everyone experiences major life changes in the same way , and not everyone feels anxiety and stress about it either …..which makes it tough to talk about . One thing that works for me is to stop for a minute ( when the anxiety is particularly high ) and try to determine exactly what the issue is . By digging deeper , sometimes I’ve found the “ problems “ aren’t as insurmountable as I thought they were . Or , in other words , life wasn’t as bad as I decided it was . It is a very weird time of life - and I struggle with what the future will look like ALL THE TIME . Anyways , I hear you , and totally understand the feelings of anxiousness and uncertainty . You’ll figure it out as you go along , by making the necessary changes to your life ( dropping commitments that aren’t rewarding anymore ,etc) .

Liz

Veteran

I view the kind of season you're in almost as a another kind of adolescence. The intensity of my reactions were exacerbated by hormonal swings. My advice would be not to try to power through in ways that might have worked in the past. Allow yourself space to mark and honor the season of raising your sons in your home, and allow space to grieve as well. And space to let any emotions surface that are underneath the anxiety. For those of us who are used to being the support, it can be hard to know what to do when we're the ones feeling sad, lost, scared, adrift, angry, or lonely.

Toban

Veteran

I find identifying the sources of my angst a huge help … and it looks like you have a good handle of what is causing your angst. Then identifying coping mechanisms, like meditation and walks in nature, as well as positive self-talk that addresses those specific issues. Something like, “there’s a lot of change going on right now and change is stressful and normal. I will take each day as it comes and use my self-care strategies.”

One of the biggest lessons I learned is that we can’t stop of the angstful thoughts from popping up in our heads, but we can learn how to process them so one doesn’t get fixated on them. It turns out that by not trying to stop the thoughts from occurring, they don’t come back as often. Images that I use is a tennis volley (where my volley is mental counter-programming) or teflon/no stick (where I simply remind myself that I can let the thought simply drift past without sticking). When these strategies don’t work, I then go to “call or text a friend”, put words to the angst and that seems to reduce their power over me. But mostly, I remind myself these thoughts are normal and I’ve successfully navigated change and worries before.

Sal

Veteran

Thanks - some really good suggestions and thoughts already.

I do have time for myself - I exercise 5-7 times a week with a real mix of walking, gym and yoga and I also work about 32 hours a week.

catherine

Veteran

Sal, sending thoughts to you. The day my youngest left home was so sad to me. I had enjoyed parenting so much (except when I didn’t haha) that there was a huge empty spot in my heart.
It seems you do have work you love, which can be therapeutic but also sounds like a source of worry. Hard to reconcile the two sometimes.
I have no solutions other than the advice I received after a catastrophic event at work almost drove me to leave my acute care position at the hospital, which was “suit up and show up”. This did not mean to ignore feelings and emotions, but to realize that I had the fortitude to persist.
Your mileage may vary, and I hope you’re able to give yourself the energy that you’ve given others. All the best to you.

Anonymous

Sal, you have a lot on your plate, so no wonder you’re feeling all the feels. It’s a good time to remind yourself how strong you are, and you will get through this phase just fine. Give yourself plenty of TLC, and maybe get a well-woman check to make sure everything is in balance. A little extra sleep never hurts, and a weekly massage can help you relax. Stay fab, we’re here for you!

Peri

Veteran

I'm sorry...I can't relate to the empty nest because mine was never full but I can definitely relate to the anxiety over change. You are not catastrophising, but even if you were, you have every right to feel how you feel.

The only thing I have to add is...how soon can you get out of that volunteer job? Doing work without pay and also getting no support in the situation? Does that feel fulfilling in any way? If not, dump that load.

In the situation of feeling like everyone relies on you for help...well, sometimes we can be too invested in that self image to actually turn around and ask for help. My experience with this is that some people will take advantage but a lot of people would help if they just knew you needed it. If they see you as "strong" they may have no clue you need help or how to give it. We can blame them for being so clueless and insensitive, but we can also see how we ourselves set up that situation and allow it to continue. Set some boundaries and ask for help. (Definitely still learning this myself. I was mad that none of my friends brought me food during my husband's cancer year/pandemic year/couldn't risk exposure year. Should they have? H... yes, it's a southern US tradition to bring food to people in trouble. Did I ask for it? Nope.)

Anonymous

I also have found good sleep, exercising and healthy food very beneficial to reduce stress. I have recently added a list of treasured life moments on my phone. Some examples are a favorite tree from my childhood and my son riding his toy motorcycle on our walk to his nursery school. When things get tough, I go to that list and pick one. It helps me to relax and gives me courage. Take care.

BrieN

Veteran

For me, an RX for a prescription hormone replacement was key to controlling anxiety, and I find that every aspect of my routine has benefited - from ability to focus at work, sleep without waking, and maintain my exercise and diet habits.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Everything Peri said. I tend to try to power through difficult times by getting really busy, but the older I get the more I realize that’s not always the right answer. It sounds like you’ve already got some good habits (your exercise, etc). Meditation has helped me too. I think it’s healthy to take stock at these times of transition, and sometimes that means a bit of anxiety about what comes next. It’s all part of the process of moving on. I bet you’ll settle into a new normal when your son has moved out, and with your positive attitude, you are bound to find ways to fill any spare time and energy that his leaving gives you.

Sally

Veteran

I am about the same age as you and have big changes coming up as well as had some forced on me in the last year (my mother being in hospital, going to a rest home and now I have a brother with a disability that I have to give support to). I get some free counselling with my job and have decided to take advantage of this. I've done it before and my friends use it. I find it helpful if someone removed from the situation can give me strategies.
LIke you I am in a role at home and at work where I am supporting others with not often a lot of support for myself. With that comes guilt that you are not doing enough and being pulled in lots of little ways. I have found I have to be selfish and say its ok if its not perfect, its good enough.
Other things that have helped have been having a ritual with my yoga and other things like drinking my tea because the routine within the chaos calms me down.

Jules

Veteran

Well, sometimes the magic cure is medication. It sounds like you already exercise and sleep well, and I’m
guessing probably eat healthy. I find that with lifestyle advice for women there can be a lot of ‘do more!’ (meditation) and ‘cut out!’ (caffeine, alcohol - sometimes even chocolate is blamed for PMS which may be true for some, but seems unreasonably cruel to me!).

Anti depressants also help with anxiety, and people have already mentioned HRT. I’m familiar with the former and sometimes it’s just necessary to get through a rough patch, when I’m doing all the right things and still not coming out of a low mood (or conversely unable to start doing the things I need to do).

FWIW I have some extended family members living with a fairly high level of anxiety such that it actually affects others (their adult children), and I think it’s been so lifelong and ingrained that medication just hasn’t occurred to them. So it’s something I try to talk about openly.

To be clear it sounds like you are functioning very well during a normal but difficult transition, but a talk with your doctor may be helpful, even just to rule out options.

kerry

Veteran

I hit menopause at 51 (one year after last cycle). I knew I was perimenopausal for a few years before that because cycle was irregular (a change). I think the only symptom I’ve experienced is anxiety. No hot flashes or anything else. It’s hard to know if anxiety was pre-existing (I started therapy in 2020 and am therefore more aware), Covid or menopause. I suspect all three.

Regardless of the cause it still needs dealing so as not to cause self undue suffering. It sounds like you have the pillars of mental health in place - movement, sleep, nutrition/hydration, social connection. That’s a great foundation! It will serve you well.

You have such clarity on the things making you anxious. I believe that’s a least half the battle. Better than generalized anxiety where one can’t put a finger on it.

Your youngest leaving the nest is a loss. It makes sense to give yourself some time to grieve and process. Grieving can be exhausting so it may be helpful to pull away from some obligations to give yourself that time and to have those resources available to do so.

I think you won’t know how working/living with hubs without the buffer of kids will affect you. I think it’s worth it to take a wait and see approach here.

Work has always been stressful and you seem to manage. It can feel heightened when other things are causing anxiety. We only have so many resources. Give yourself some grace here in this time of transition.

It sounds like some boundary work is called for with respect to helper role you play with family and friends. I think at this age it’s natural to take stock and reflect to identify what is no longer working and make some changes. You’re allowed This might fit the volunteer role too.

With respect to should I/shouldn’t I behaviours and climate change, I think you should let yourself off the hook. The fact that you’re worrying about it means you care more than most. That’s good enough. Good enough is good enough almost always.

Pulling out of friends weekend and regretting it is not a fun feeling. It seems you made the best decision you could with the information and circumstances you had at the time. Be at peace. Figure out why you’re second-guessing yourself, address it, process it and resolve for next time.

We’ll never get it exactly right. That’s the human condition - to be flawed. Remember when you’re turning over these anxious thoughts in your mind, this too shall pass (the thoughts and the season) and you don’t have to believe your thoughts. If they are really hanging on tight and causing pain, get up and do something. Anything.

I also agree with therapy and meditation. I like down dog app for meditation.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Sweet Sal, I can imagine that everyone wants a piece of wonderful you. You are indeed awfully level-headed, wise, calm, pragmatic, kind and generous. And people need to look after you too!. Don't be shy to ask for help, support, and a little TLC. It's your turn. Hang in there and hugs!

Empty nesting, I can imagine, is hard. Especially when you are close to your children and your life has revolved around them for 18 years plus. All of a sudden, there is a void to fill. I sympathize.

As far as the other anxieties go, life is stressful, and the world is in a tough place. It's a miracle we function and get done what we do! I was stressed about all sorts of things last few years, and that's why I needed a change. Start a new chapter. I made my word for this year CHANGE. I have been changing my routine, our home, the way I look at things, my style, strengthening important relationships, letting go of less meaningful relationships, and prioritizing what is important. Not sweating the small stuff either. Although you are an absolute inspiring rock star Sal, it's impossible to tick off every box perfectly. That in itself causes anxiety you do not need. You tick off miles more than most and that's incredible! You will also see your friends again. You were right to stay at home. I would have cancelled my trip too.

Maybe you need to include something in your life that is just for you? If that brings you joy, and not more stress. Not sure what that is. Happy to brainstorm with you though.

Wishing you luck as you figure this out and move through the transitions. We are the same age, so let you remind you that 1970 babies are stronger than they think! xo

kellygirl

Veteran

Hugs to you. I can empathize as well. We had a brief empty nest and then covid brought the chicks back and now, my mom. Didn't have a chance to get the full effect. On the other hand, both of my parents give me anxiety. I've finally just decided that I can only do so much. I think setting limits is totally acceptable - taking care of yourself is really #1 because it's like they say on the plane. Put your oxygen mask on first because if you can't breathe, you can't help anyone else. It sounds like exercise is your time - is that enough? (I feel like that's all the time I have too and it's less than I would like but it won't be like this forever...) Hope that you can find a resolution and just know that you are not alone!

Sal

Veteran

Thanks so much - I am very very grateful for the wise words - there's no magic bullet and I may need to try several things - and keep trying - I have a good friend I am helping with a crisis right now and it is taking a lot from me - sadly I have come to the conclusion she will always be in crisis and whilst she is kind and caring - the relationship is very uneven in terms of me supporting her

A couple of things that I can do-

Meditation - I have downloaded the Calm App on a trial
Try and live in the moment more - not getting ahead of myself with worrying

In terms of the pillars of mental health I am good with the exercise and social connections - average with food (mostly healthy) and not as good on the sleep (waking up - getting up early with alarms - not a solid night time routine) That might be a good place to start!

Helena

Veteran

Sal, sending you hugs. You have given so much of yourself to so many different things and I'm so glad that you are also giving care to yourself!

Given all the transitions, how crazy the world feels, the information overwhelm, and those wonderful hormones, it's no wonder you are feeling anxious! You've got loads of great suggestions here and are doing lots of great things for yourself. I've dealt with various levels of generalized anxiety and phobia issues over the last 25 years of so and find exercise, sleep, meditation, and giving up alcohol and (most) caffeine has helped me. Medication has been helpful too and there are many very low dose options as far as I know. Cognitive behaviour techniques have been helpful for specific issues and phobias and might be helpful for things like your climate anxieties. There's a great book called Mind Over Mood that has lots of worksheets to DIY some of the techniques (probably can be found online too). One thing at all time and do what resonates with you ... There are lots of ways to tackle this beast! DM anytime. Sending love! Xx

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Sal I always thought the combination of menopause and menarche x 2 was going to do me in, but I am finding the transition to mother of adults somewhat more confounding. My go to for anxiety is up the yoga, and I am dabbling in meditation as well. Bad weather doesn't help, but that will end. Best wishes and empathy.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Sal, you are indeed, calm, level-headed, kind, pragmatic and I can well imagine you are a rock to your friends and family. It can be a big load to carry when your hormones are going haywire and you are facing major loss and change.

You're already doing so much to take good care of yourself. And you've already had excellent advice. I am not sure how much I have to add -- but I'll just echo the idea that it's especially important in these times of transition to take stock of those relationships that might be unequal and consider whether we need to pull back, at least temporarily. I also think it's fair to ask for support ourselves.

Some friends are not up to the task, it is true, and that can be painful to recoognize. But others might come through in surprising ways if we share.

Therapy and meds are of course other options. Both have been very helpful to me over the years.

As others mentioned, the volunteer position sounds as if it bringing more stress than satisfaction at the moment. If that's the case, can you disengage? I had to let go of a volunteer VP position a few years ago when I was dealing with some very serious family issues and loss. I felt badly for letting the organization down because I care about the work they are doing. But at the same time, they were leaning too hard on me at a time when I was very clear that I needed some boundaries and they refused to respect that. The minute that role was off my plate, I felt so much better.

A dear (post menopausal) friend came up with a Kondo-esque litmus test. Her question, of any relationship or role: Is this bringing me joy?

Obviously, there are some things we need to do (taking out the garbage, washing the toilets, some parts of our jobs) that will not be bringing joy, but for those activities that are not mandatory -- why bother?

I think a lot of post-menopausal women bring that insight to our lives. It doesn't completely do away with Woolf's "angel in the house" syndrome but it sure helps!

jasmine

Everyone has given a lot of great advice already. I'd just like to add that anxiety/depression can be a symptom of menopause so that is definitely worth exploring. You might be interested in this article that was published in the New York Times recently: https://www.nytimes.com/2023/0.....erapy.html

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

I just ran into this podcast on women’s hormones. I respect Hubsrman’s podcasts. 2+ hrs is probably more than you want to listen to, but it’s well bookmarked, and there are references so you can just go look up whatever interests you. Hope it’s useful!
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/.....0597230460

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