Dear Sally, I missed this until now since I have just left on a tropical holiday and am sitting in a cabana by a beautiful pool in Phuket, Thailand!
I went through menopause earlier than you- was 46 in 2007 when the periods stopped. It coincided with the loss of my religion due to bullying by a senior pastor at church and also my father becoming extremely frail and moving from retirement village apartment to private hospital care (he died 2.5 years later aged 87). It was a terrible time.
I restarted the antidepressant I had stopped 4 years earlier, and I had counselling perhaps starting a bit later. The counselling was totally invaluable. Explained why/how I had became such a perfectionist! I dropped my voluntary roles ( which were mostly church related running programmes for kids) and later dropped a second job I had training younger doctors. Although I am medical I didn’t consider HRT since 2007 was only 5 years after the big study came out in 2002 which put doctors off it for years. More recently I have put plenty of women on it at that time of life and they have been helped.
I stayed on the citalopram anti-depressants until 2019 when I slowly came off them and have remained off. I have also had some couples counselling with my husband more recently (2020 I think) which did help our relationship too.
Feel for you. You do need to put your own needs first for now. I do wonder about the voluntary position, if it’s helpful?

You've gotten such useful input from the YLF crew that I'm not sure what I have to add. To me, working together and being married to each other would be overwhelming - I'm thinking of that Kahlil Gibran line about "let there be spaces in your togetherness" and wondering if there's a way for you to claim a little space that isn't shared?

Putting in place some boundaries with the needy friend might be helpful - even if just mentally in terms of not replying to every text or call immediately, putting a time limit on conversations and learning some graceful ways to end them, etc.
I will also relay that I have a friend with some major life issues (physical and mental health) and I had a tendency to never complain to her because my problems felt so minor in comparison. But I came to realize that she was actually desperate for me to share more, and we became closer in the end, with more reciprocal honest sharing. She wanted to be there for me just as I was for her. Your needy friend may not be the person for this, but maybe there are others in your life who are. At first I had to honestly reach for stories/incidents to discuss when she asked me how I was or what was new, instead of reflexively saying "Fine!" with a bright cheery smile, but I got the hang of it eventually!

So many good suggestions in the previous responses that hopefully it will help bring some light and Brava for taking some time to pause and look for advice on how to manage these tricky times.

I am afraid I don't have any experience on empty nesters but I am experiencing challenging times as well (perimenopause started, fragile elderly parents who are behaving like stroppy teenagers, health issues, renovation costs stress..). I've noticed that if I prioritise my health, I can better

look after my loved ones and when things get overwhelming, I write a daily gratitude journal or break down activities into small tasks to remember that things can be achievable - maybe not as quick as I would like but still moving forwards.

So, dear Sally, I know it is difficult but put yourself first. If you need to step down from something as it would help your health, don't hesitate to do.

Sal, I don't have a lot of suggestions beyond what has already been offered, and you know the pillars anyway--exercise, sleep, socialization, and something just for you.

I'll add a +1 to all those who suggested at least investigating medication. I finally talked to my doctor because I noticed my anxiety became unbearable during that one PMS week a month. I asked to take an antidepressant just for that week, and though I ended up taking it daily, the effects are most noticeable during that one week. It's really smoothed out and counterbalanced the mess hormones were making of my emotions.

I wonder if, at one point, your volunteer gig was a thing that brought you sustenance and, over time, has shifted from being a net positive to a negative. It might make sense to move onto to a different role that can bring back the positive impacts on your mental health instead of draining you.

Jenn, my doctor initially tried to put me on very mild anti-depressants instead of HRT to help with hot flashes. Unfortunately, the meds didn’t work for me but I was told it works for many and of course help with anxiety.

Thanks all- lots of good advice here.

I will reevaluate the voluntary position - Covid played havoc last year on our income, membership and also the ability of our other board members to give time. I find it fatigueing to do the work and get little back from my team. I have committed to 18 more months, but I could make it 6 if I don't get some improvements.

I believe strongly in volunteering - but I am wondering if this is the right way to be giving of my time. I sometimes think I would rather be planting or weeding gullies or working making meals or something more practical. Definitely food for thought!!

Sal, I agree with you on volunteering and always have some volunteer stuff going ... But the problem with it is, the people who volunteer tend to be the ones asked to do more and volunteer more!! Nothing wrong with stepping away from the role you have and giving back by dropping food to the food bank, writing letters once a week from home, or doing something for really set times rather than a role that expands based on what you're willing to give xx

Yes the working together thing can be intense. With kids around there was something else to focus on as well. We do have seperate hobbies (cycling, running, swimming for DH - yoga, walking, gym, gardening, movies, the volunteering for me) as well as some shared ones.

He used to travel a fair bit internationally for a week or two at a time which I honestly liked as it gave us a change. Even after I stayed home this weekend and he went alone (reluctantly) when he came home we had different stories to tell.

I value the spaces a lot - I am like that with my friends and family too. I always have been.

I agree with both Jules and Helena about boundaries with the needy friend and the volunteering. I read a good book called “Boundaries” years ago- two authors, maybe McCloud and Thomsen or something similar- sorry not at home to check. It was rather overtly Christian although underlying principles could apply to any beliefs I feel.
Also with volunteering and those who give a lot being asked to do more, that was me and I no longer feel guilty that I don’t do much. I am voluntarily supporting my adult daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter both financially and with childcare and I give out emotionally the whole time in my paid work, and I have done lots of voluntary work in the past, so this is my time so I can keep going in my paid work until the usual retirement age in NZ (for those Fabbers in other countries reading this, that age is 65.)

Hi Sally. You might want to check your vitamin D levels. It’s quite common for Australians (and maybe NZers too) to have very low vitamin D levels because we are obsessed with sun protection. I was told by a doctor once that low vitamin D can lead to mood fluctuations and all sorts of issues. I take a supplement just in case. I also found valerian (herbal supplement) can help me get a better sleep during periods of anxiety. When walking or exercising, I try to listen to a podcast to stop me from ruminating. Something engaging but not depressing. It also provides something to talk about with DH (I work with mine too!). Hope you feel better soon xx

Lots of good advice here! Agreeing about stepping back from the volunteering, and saying no in general to anything you don't really want to do. That includes being a dumping ground for friend's problems (been there).

I don't have experience with empty nest, as DH and I don't have children, but we have worked together. And during Covid, we actually got along better because we didn't have to interact with the outside world. When we have conflict, it's from outer stress.

Thanks all. I can't step down from the voluntary role until August at the earliest (unless it is a crisis) but if things do not improve over the next few months I will do that.

I do need better boundaries with the friend - I had another friend I had to dial back the friendship because of the ongoing drama - I can't be outraged all the time about things! Some people will never be without the high intensity stuff and it does move from one issue to another. People who are like that are very drawn to me it seems though.....

Sal, I wrote a short novel in response then deleted it, lol.
The gist of it: if I had it to do over again, I would avoid HRT like the plague.

I just want to add a little perspective -- this is not only a problem women have. My husband has been struggling with this transition time in life too. He'll be in full retirement mode a year from now, when he turns 60, and he's stressing about the change in his identity, how he will fill his time, etc. He's going back to therapy to get some help in sorting through the emotional upheaval. I think that's a great idea.

Certainly a difficult time of life for many of us. I never struggled with anxiety until the past 10 years. I had a super busy life with 3 children and a husband who was not home a lot and I took it all in my stride.
The last headed off to college in 2013 and that's when It started. Various things happened to him and suffice to say he and I both struggle with anxiety .
I certainly find that walking and getting out of the house helps me. I also do a small amount of volunteering. Several friends lead very complicated lives that I seem to get sucked into but it does take my mind off my own issues!
My vitamin D was terribly low and I now take a supplement which helps.
I totally agree with Janet about it not only being a problem women have . My husband commuted 2 hours each way to NYC for many years . He is now retired and doesn't know what to do with himself . Perhaps I'll post about that on a separate thread.

Thanks all - I have read all the comments and have acted on a couple of them

There's lot of small steps to take to help this transition work - I can see that most people here have been affected in one way or another through a transition or anxiety or mental health challenges

There are some behavioural changes I need to make too - a reprioritisation of sleep and less worry about things I can't control!

I expect it to be a long term project

Everyone is different and reacts differently to things, but I am your same age and faced the same things recently. I do not know whether I am in peri or full on menopause, as I've had a hysterectomy (still have my ovaries), though I've had no symptoms.

Regarding stress, I actually took on LESS responsibility at work. I decided that it is time to focus on my life outside of work. I was tied up in knots over that decision, especially because work had specifically asked me (which was a major compliment) to take on MORE responsibility. But I have never been happier. I work the hours I work and that's that. I don't worry about the politics of the building (they exist everywhere) and keep my nose out of where it doesn't belong. I keep my work life separate from my personal life. Best. Decision. Ever.

My youngest child left for college in the fall, and I was TERRIFIED of the empty nest. I really didn't know what I'd do with myself. My situation is slightly different in that my 22 year old son is living at home, but he is working full time and is gone most of the time - at the gym, with friends, etc. My second son visits from school sometimes on weekends, but my youngest is gone most of the time.

The reality? Dh and I have connected in a way hwe haven't in YEARS. We are closer than ever before and we're both loving it. Of course, we love when the kids are home, too, but I am unexpectedly loving and embracing this change.

And I know how hard it can be, but sometimes you must distance yourself from those who depend on you emotionally. Sometimes you cannot be the pillar for everyone else and still keep yourself standing. Take a break, be unavailable sometimes and step back. You can decide when you feel less anxious about how close or how distant you want to keep said people in the future.

Good luck, and I am sorry you are going through so much. Meditation is a big help for some people, too.

Thanks Echo - I am pleased to hear about your positive changes

I am feeling better this week than last - and I am convinced part of it is based around hormonal changes - and part of it my specific situation - and part of it this crazy summer we are having here with storm after storm