Most of you know my MIL came to live with us about two years ago after my FIL died and she was not coping well on her own. There have been many challenges and adjustments that we have all had to work through but the biggest issue by far has been the smoking.

My MIL has smoked for 60+ years heavily and had lung cancer about 10 years ago resulting in half of her right lung removed. But she didn't quit smoking and now has terminal lung cancer. We have learned in the last week that the cancer has now spread to her liver and kidneys and are awaiting results of her latest CT scan. She also has severe emphysema from the smoking and is now on supplemental oxygen. And to top that all off, she has Alzheimer's, which is definitely advancing as evidenced by her memory loss, cognitive function and behavioral changes.

We have never allowed smoking in our home because my son is a serious asthmatic and this was made more than clear before my MIL moved in. Never once did we ask her to quite smoking - that is not our place. But we did remind her that she would need to go outside to smoke and when the weather was too cold, she could use the electronic cigarette we purchased which has the same level of nicotine in the cartridges so that she does not experience uncomfortable withdrawal. These requests have not been met and we have had many testy conversations about the smoking - along with one hospital admission for my son. I was becoming very angry and resentful over the issue.

But I've changed my tune. I don't smoke. Never have. And so I don't understand the true nature of that addiction. I met with an addictions counselor at work last week to make some inquiries and learned a lot. Smoking is as much a part of my MIL's life as anything else. She has lost control over her life in the past three years in having her husband of 60 years pass away, having to leave the home/house she lived in for 54 of those years and recently, having to give up driving and become much more restricted in what she can do due to her physical and mental health. As the counselor put it, smoking is the one thing that she is familiar with and has control over - the one thing she has always been able to rely on and that makes her feel like herself. We have noticed that when she becomes extremely agitated during a confused and less lucid day, smoking a cigarette can often calm her down. It's because it's familiar. I had never thought of it like that.

She's not going to be with us more than a few months I suspect and we have taken her name off the waiting list for an Assisted Living apartment as she is now past the point of being able to care for herself. And we've committed to keeping her at home with us as long as possible - going into a Nursing Home would be too much for her to bear emotionally and she's not ready yet for a Palliative Care placement.

In order to make what time she has left as pleasant as possible, I have let go of the smoking issue. We bought her a high powered HEPA air filter system for her bedroom and she smokes in there with the door closed, the window cracked open a bit and the air filter running. Yes, I can smell it when I get home from work but I don't want our last months to be a battle and I don't want her to feel badly about her behavior. What does scolding an old woman get me anyway? It makes me feel like a bully and makes her feel guilty - that's not what I want.

As for my son's asthma, he sleeps with his window open a bit and has a HEPA filter system that he runs in his bedroom. He hasn't noticed any problems with his breathing. It's much better than when she used to sneak the cigarettes in the bathroom with the door closed and then he had to go and have a shower in there and try to hold his breath the whole time.

Letting go of this issue has given me tremendous peace. I don't feel like I "caved in" at all but rather found a compromise we could all live with. The whole household is much happier and my MIL has actually given me a sum of money to have the house cleaned from top to bottom and repainted once she's gone to erase the nicotine from the house. Now if the smoking starts finding its way into the living room and kitchen...we could have another story.