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Leaving soft...

Peri

Veteran

I almost said pretty instead, but I really don't want a feminist debate and I know that word bothers some people! I've just been trying to figure out what is bothering me about my wardrobe and I think I'm getting somewhere. I'm just not sure what I can do with it.

My years old acronym was EASY for elegant, artistic, soft, yes factor. (Plus if I had my way I'd prefer everything to be easy.) I have a closet full of things that are pretty, no way around that word. Soft, romantic, and gentle. I liked them all and by themselves I still do. It's just me in them I'm liking less.

The past two years double whammy of pandemic and a spouse with cancer have aged me a lot. I'm 62 but I say I'm 10 years older than I was 2 years ago. I'm not really joking. I look it and feel it. But there has also been some positive growth. I'm stronger, tougher, less willing to put up with stuff. It's my conclusion that my previous style is too soft and sweet for me and that's why I like them hanging in my closet and not so much myself in them. I put them on and they don't feel "me" anymore. I used to say I had no edge. Now I've grown a bit of edge.

Two fabbers whose style I really admire are Janet and Lana. Both have the artistic element and the ease and the creativity I admire, but both also project some edge and strength, and less softness than my clothes have. I'm just not sure how to get there from here. And can I get there without jeans? (Boring reasons, but I don't wear them.)

I've decided my new acronym will still be EASY but with tweaks..."edge-adjacent" (real edge, I'm not there yet) instead of elegant, artistic, soft-feeling (this time only for the physical feel of the clothes...still necessary for me), and yes factor. Not sure how to do this because I'm still not doing much in store shopping, I don't want to buy a bunch of new things right away, and I don't know how to spot edge-adjacent. Real edge seems more clear.

My ideas: Keep looking at fabbers I admire and figuring out more specifically what it is I admire. And maybe try Pinterest. I'm the least visual person in the world, so maybe a board of pictures would be more concrete than just trying to imagine.

Any other suggestions? Thanks for reading. Wow, I never post these long ones!

General

31 replies

Latest reply was from Bijou

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Peri, love how you're figuring this out, and listening to authentic you! WELL DONE, and hang in there. It's been a very stressful 2 years. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Since you're a musician, I wonder if listening to "edge- adjacent" music will trigger more ideas? Music is so very, very powerful.

Back to visual style. Are you wearing soft black pants with black shoes that are kind to your feet, like you used to? You can wear denim and hard-edge up top to toughen the look. Black combat boots too. Edgy jewellery is an idea. And I remember you enjoy make-up! Maybe tweak and play around a bit with that component, if you feel like it.

YES. You can get there without jeans

Let's brainstorm more together!

Peri

Veteran

Thanks Angie! Yes to the black pants and gym and Ecco shoes. I think combat boots are a step too far but I have bought some color block sneakers that might be edge-adjacent. Maybe for tops any new ones should be less ornate and bolder in color. As much as l like them, I'm putting a pause on buying any more soft floral things until I figure this out!

Cardiff girl

Veteran

I am so sorry to hear about your husband,that’s tough in normal times but in a pandemic…l am not surprised that you feel a different person to yourself two years ago and that’s bound to be reflected in the way you want to project yourself to the world.Angie is the master of all things style and l can see that’s she’s fired up to help you and l am sure that the two people you mention will also want to chime in with their advice as well,so you have come to the right place.l wish you well as you set out on Your new style adventure .

Helena

Veteran

I love this reflection Peri ... Your style should absolutely communicate and support where you are now. You've got some great role models in mind. Cheering you on for this leg of your style journey!

Peri

Veteran

Angie...I've seen things called Dark Academia. Taken as a whole, way too costumey. But every time I see it, I fall for the dark florals...dark background and colors, with large flowers. Edge adjacent? Or still too romantic and pretty?

For funny, Bach was considered edgy in his time. All that dissonance, how can we live?!

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

This sounds dead right, Peri.

I, too, feel years older after my similar life experiences, too (I'm 48). For me, it's manifested as wanting to be more "so what?" in my dressing (and my life). Like, so what if people think I'm eccentric? So what if people see me as a fish-out-water in the city? So what If some skin peeks out when I reach above my head?

I do think dark florals can look quite edgy. Think about how Brooklyn wears them!

Runcarla

Veteran

When you find a couple of pictures of outfits that illustrate the style you are after, post them so we can break them down and offer suggestions.

There are some ‘soft’ (or pretty) elements to Janet’s and Lana’s style, but as you point out it is tempered with a bit of ‘toughness’ to give it that ‘edge’.

Review what you already have, and look for asymmetrical pieces or items with some architectural elements. Footwear is a great way to add edge, but fussy feet can make that tricky. Combat boots, Chelsea boots, maybe an Oxford or a chunky/blocky sneaker or sandal. Consider your accessories - sunglasses, specs frames, the bag you carry (a backpack vs a purse) and hairstyle. Fabrics like leather and metals.

Peri, are your Finds indicative of what’s in your wardrobe?

Peri

Veteran

Cardiff Girl and Helena, thanks for the kindness and support.

Jenn, I know you can relate. It's a long road. I love your "eccentricity" and I'm glad it feels right. Part of me wants to go the exuberant route too. I'm not ruling it out if the strength attempt doesn't work!

Runcarla, I think my finds are 50/50. I just checked and they seem kind of random. I haven't added much new to finds in a long time. Some of those things I did end up buying but most are there because I liked them somewhat and it was easy to click the heart. Maybe editing my finds will get me thinking too. Good idea!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Peri, putting soft florals on pause is a good idea - as you listen to Bach - But black background florals in moody colours are edge-adjacent to my eye. Go for it.

Liking the sound of black and white sneakers! And ECCO rocks in my world too.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

Hi Peri, I remember your post in Off Topic about 6 months ago about needing to isolate regarding your husband’s health.
You and I are similar ages-I am 61. I understand what you are saying about looking older, I think it has happened to me too and I have not faced serious family illness over the pandemic time like you have. I do think my clothing has become more somber as has befitted my mood, especially in the winter, and perhaps less “sassy”- which was my 2019 moniker, the Sassy Shoemaker’s Elf.
Like you I am not a fan of jeans and own only the one white pair at present, bought last November, because I had lost weight and got too thin for the blue pair and grey pair. I love ponte pants for comfort. Although I don’t think yours and my styles would be that similar I wondered if a pair with a leather patch might be edge-adjacent?
Here is a pic of the pair I bought last month, just for an idea?

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rachylou

Veteran

I’m thinking juxtaposition. Floral blouse but not with a delicate shoe - like not a pastel sneaker or a thin sole. Do you wear toppers much? A dark cardigan for your black pants…

I feel I understand a little bit. I’m always in danger of looking too cute or mild - it’s my face and general light heartedness. I’m always asking ‘how can I make this a little bit angry,’ lol - but that’s my personal prompt.

BlueJay

Veteran

Peri, I am so sorry about your husband. I am nodding along to what Cardiff girl said. Of course things are different now and personalities are reflected in our clothes. I think you have good ideas of following other YLF styles, Angie advice and others' suggestions. I am cheering for you!

Minaminu

Veteran

Pearl, It's understandable that you want to turn page and a change of style! It must have been a very difficult time for or you and your family.

A fellow fabber posted a link which described several styles, sorry I forgot the name! I think biker could also be an interesting style for you (graphic tees with bling) , here's the link https://www.minimizemymess.com/blog/fashion-styles

Jenni NZ

Veteran

It was Zaeobi who posted that, if you want to search for the thread. Sorry am on my phone so can’t link it just yet.

Lana

(website)

Veteran

My jaw dropped open when I saw my name in your post because I am far from arrived at my style! So thank you.

I was going to suggest the same as Angie to start with smaller things like jewelry and shoes. If you are a musician, maybe Chelsea boots might be something you can relate to music and they are extremely comfortable, have that cool factor, but still look sleek.

It sounds like comfort is #1 for you (me too), so I have been collecting moto style jackets that are soft and stretchy rather than too structured and confining. Nic and Zoe has them from time to time — finds below. I think of the words “gentle strength” when I am shopping, so the color might be soft or feminine but the shape is more edgy like a a moto jacket or vice versa.

Edgy means something different to everyone and does not necessarily have to be black with spikes. It does seem to have a hint of danger to me, but too far in that direction would be uncomfortable so I try to juxtapose Yin and Yang. Most of the time it’s a combination of items in an outfit. Could you mix your romantic clothes with some edgy details? By the way I will be 62 in September too! The last couple of years have done a number on us.

Here are some things I find edgy but soft:
light blue linen moto from Nic and Zoe
backpack style bag
snakeskin Chelsea boots
chain jewelry and accents on bags
suede moto
leather cuffs and earrings

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Oval Link Necklace

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Sueded-Knit Moto Jacket for Women

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Janet

(website)

Veteran

Peri, first of all, I’m sending continued good vibes to your and your husband. I can only imagine how challenging it must be. Yes, these experiences change us.

I’m flattered you mentioned me. I absolutely have to balance the soft/pretty with more edge/masculinity and structure in my style. I do not feel like myself if I veer too into the flowery or flowy. I always have to remember to add a little badass into my look in order to *feel* more badass. LOL.

So yes, I absolutely enjoy dark florals and abstract or nature-inspired prints. I favor darker or moodier colors rather than light and brights, in general, but seasonal shifts do prompt me to lighter/brighter in summer. Again, if I go too deeply into that I don’t feel authentic. In general, the softer and prettier the item (say, a sheer unstructured blouse), the more likely I am to choose it in a dark color or a moody floral — see the burnout top below in dark grey and shades of purple/berry. I’ve gotten pickier and pickier about prints but some of my Finds below show ones that seem to balance pretty/soft with a little edge or something unexpected.

I’m not as into studs and hardware as I used to be, but there are still some in my wardrobe that seem to add a bit of this needed toughness. Chain straps or details on bags, etc.

Also, sculptural or architectural details can help. My Bao Bao bag gets worn a LOT — it’s neutral but the geometric style adds edge and distinctiveness to any outfit.

A bit of sportiness — side stripes, track pants, fashion sneakers — can also balance the pretty/soft.

Fabrications like leather or faux leather of course can also play a part. Think about texture and how variation in that can edge up and outfit.

Footwear with substance is a way I try to bring this especially into my summer style. The substantial lug soles of right now are comfortable and also balance out a look that feels a bit too soft.

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SOREL Explorer II Joan

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Seychelles Engaging Platform Bootie

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Nine West Quies 2

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Rag & Bone Yuni Floral Burnout Blouse

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BAO BAO ISSEY MIYAKE Hiker Geometric Backpack - Farfetch

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GaryGraham422 Women's Long Sleeve Tee

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PAIGE Resa Blouse

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Peri

Veteran

BlueJay and all of you, thanks to all for the concern for my husband. We are out of the woods and feeling really lucky. He still gets checked every 3 months, and I still get a twinge of worry when he coughs or says he's tired, but for the most part we are so much more back to normal than we have been in almost 2 years.

Rachylou, funny about looking cute! I don't think I can be described as cute, but I do present a soft and gentle image that isn't exactly what I'm feeling these days. My sister once said, when I was mad at someone, that it was like being bitten by a teddy bear. The vibe I'm leaning more towards now is "I'm kind and friendly if you deserve it, but don't mess with me." Angry it up a bit sounds good.

Thanks Minaminu, Jenny NZ, Zaeobi, that's a great article. But...can I be comfy-ethereal-edge? Not sure that's a possible combo!

Janet and Lana...thanks for breaking down the elements! I'll keep studying. Lana, I love that "gentle strength" phrase. Maybe that would be an easier thing for me to start with...edge still seems a stretch.

And...I think many of y'all are giving me too much credit with the musician thing. I'm a classical pianist, not a rocker! Despite being close to the best thing the world has ever produced, I don't think Chopin makes the current cool edge list. Dark Academia and Ethereal definitely though.

JAileen

Veteran

I’m so sorry you and your husband have been going through hard times on top of the pandemic. I’m still wearing a mask indoors due to my elderly mother. She’s vaxxed and boosted, but at 97, there’s not much to boost.

I don’t have suggestions for your wardrobe. My day to day pants are nylon hiking pants.They are more comfy than jeans, but aren’t edgy at all. They do come in black, though. I wear the black pair when I play handbells (we wear red, black and white). As for looking like people shouldn’t mess with you, I have that look naturally. I don’t know what it is, but I think it’s really in your head. The more someone tries to mess with me, the more I dig in my heels. Repeating what you expect in an even tone really works. It might have something to do with eyebrows, too.

Columbia Anytime Casual Omni-Shield Outdoor Hiking Pants

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Peri

Veteran

JAileen, I wear that kind of pants too. Mine are from Athleta in the featherweight stretch fabric. I just can't take anything else in the southern summer but they really don't help any with the style goals!

Lana

(website)

Veteran

I’m studying Janets comments too — always learning. She used the word “moody” and I think that is a good word to describe a softer edge. Thank you for posting this Peri! I’ll be interested to see what you experiment with.

merwoman

Veteran

Peri, what a journey you’ve been on, and I can certainly understand your ‘guarded’ relief with your husband’s health.
Now it’s time to focus back on you, time to reflect on where you’ve been and what you want to project.
Lovely that Lana and Janet have provided such great comments! We’re all ready to support in any way we can.

Sloper

Veteran

Peri, you've nailed it with, "

stronger, tougher, less willing to put up with stuff."

I know we all pass through these changes differently, but I also think that if you (anyone) feels it, it happens with both intuitive and deliberate choices.

Just reaching (or NOT reaching) for certain items in our closets for instance.

I don't have any specific clothing choices, but maybe try to vary your fashion input - via different magazines, new-to-you websites, etc. Just to see new ways of putting things together, combining patterns and colors...

Instagram has led me to very new ideas and vendors, if it's a thing you might want to try.

Hope you and husband are doing well!

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Thank you for sharing your thoughtful post. I think I try to ground my softer items either with color (black or darker neutrals), or somewhat avant garde shapes (lilac dropped waist trousers). Anyway, you have lots of great ideas to work with on this thread. Best wishes to you and your husband.

Zaeobi

(website)

Veteran

Aha, how funny to post to this thread for the first time, only to see myself already thanked for my contributions - you're welcome?
https://youlookfab.com/welookf.....tyle-types

On a serious note though, I'm sorry to hear about your husband - clothing can be both armour & a reflection of our inner selves in these trying times.

I think Comfy Ethereal Edge is absolutely possible! The key thing is isolating which sub-aspects of those styles *exactly* appeal to you - perhaps 'artsy' would work better than 'artistic' for you? I think we may be similar, in that I finding myself wanting to dress in slightly more 'edgy' looks but without dousing myself in all-black, leather studded grommets. Or jeans.

For me, I've identified cleanly rounded shapes as being key to 'edgy enough' for me. I recently bought these earrings as a foray into that element - still in a softer colour palette, the wider tonal rainbow strips makes these earrings slightly more interesting than a skinny pastel or neon rainbow: https://www.etsy.com/hk-en/lis.....s-handmade

I also like the marbled effect of the studs, but on a matte clay surface - that juxtaposition helps to keep it artistic without veering into glossy perfection. I'm thinking maybe going for a brass torque next (clean & simple gold collar necklace that's open on one side).

Another possibility may be non-black, sleek (p)leather trousers - no patent, crackled or textured finish, but rather something like a pair of chocolate satin finish pleather pants in a classic silhouette (high-rise straight leg)? Have a play around with that 'soft-hard' spectrum to see where your juxtaposition 'sweet spot' lies Good luck!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Peri, this was so interesting to read. And it makes perfect sense. Of course your former wardrobe doesn't feel quite right! You've been through so much. You need and deserve a style evolution to reflect your new superpowers.

I like what Janet and Lana and others have said about juxtaposition. My style is more structured (maybe?) and probably preppier (?) than what you are aiming for but I know when I joined YLF my tendency was always to reach for classic items and pair them with other classics, which felt (and looked) boring and blah and twee on me. Juxtaposition was the magic solution to all that.

I was also feeling way, way, way too soft and feminine in these combinations -- until Angie suggested that I cut my hair. (I had grown it out to a mid-length) . And for me, the shorter hairstyle was key. You have gorgeous hair and probably don't want to mess with it too much, which I completely understand— but I just want to highlight hairstyle as an important element of your style. If you have longish curls, that is just one more reason to add edge (or yang) elsewhere to balance that yin.

As to other strategies: I tried adding edge with a black leather jacket. Fail. Massive. Fail. Sent it back. But eventually, I got a blue one that works. This illustrates Lana's point really well.

Then I thought I might add edge with architectural drape. Mostly failed there, too, although I did learn (as I think you have, also, that some asymmetry can help.

Finally, I realized that for myself, "edge" is probably less important than movement, dynamism. So I pay more attention to that. But I don't ignore edge completely. These days, aside from hairstyle, I mostly aim to add it through footwear, a structural element to the outfit, some bits of hardware or distressing. So, skirt with distressed denim jacket.

Maybe a denim jacket would work well for you, or a shacket if you don't like the short versions of denim jackets? Something distressed, darker florals if you want florals, moto jackets, etc.

Like Lana and Janet, I sometimes go for the softer (or in my case, brighter) coloured versions of "edgy" feeling items (you wouldn't go for the brighter ones -- that's the prep in me, I think, LOL).

As others have mentioned, Brooklyn is such an inspiration for this especially in her recent more casual wear -- she is wearing midaxi skirts SO well and a lot of dark florals and tie-dyes and her footwear and bags and jewellery add some edge. I wonder if you can wear a long skirt like that in your hot weather rather than pants and edge up the top a bit?

Some bright edge or soft edge items in my closet....

Ecco Women's Modtray Chelsea Boot

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Rebecca Minkoff Julian Nylon Backpack

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Rebecca Minkoff Julian Nylon Backpack

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Elvina Waterproof Bootie

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Bronx Lace-Up Platform Boot

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Windowpane Check Ruched Sleeve Blazer

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Rebecca Minkoff Medium Julian Backpack

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Blondo Blondo Elvina Waterproof Bootie (Women) | Nordstrom

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Fashion Focus Leather Belt

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Western chambray shirt in vintage indigo

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Faded Blue Leather Jacket

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Natasha wool and leather peacoat

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Belmonte Dark Navy Tuxedo Jacket

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RobinF

Veteran

I missed this post earlier but just read through the whole thing. I can really relate to a lot of what you are feeling style-wise. Also age-wise, having just turned 60 and lost several family members I definitely feel my age. Also with newly (3 years or so) gray hair, this 60 thing takes some getting used to.

I can easily look too cute, being short and curvy with wavy hair, and want to add edge. For me the hard part is figuring out where and how to add that.

I love Rachy's comment about adding "anger". Maybe that would help me visualize what I want to do.

I love moto and combat boots and think that helps but I can't always rely on footwear. Reading some of these posts helps too. Now to do my homework

Lana

(website)

Veteran

I keep coming back to this post because what you described is very close to what I want to achieve in my style. A definite “Yes, I’m feminine but don’t mess with me!” attitude.

Please post your experiments if you feel comfortable because we all learn from it. Suz has some great observations about experimentation and how failures lead to ahas. I used to get frustrated with myself for the failures but it’s all part of learning what works and what doesn’t. Her comments about feeling too feminine rung true for me too, and over the last year I’ve been noticing when I feel too __________ (feminine, masculine, casual, dressy etc) and then add the opposite.

Star

Veteran

I believe a good starting point for adding edge is with accessories. From jewelry, to shoes, bags, jackets, sunnies, lippie - so long as some of those components are not soft/sweet it will 'edgy-tize' any outfit.

Firecracker (Sharan)

Veteran

Peri, I can relate in feeling I've aged a lot in the last couple of years. I'm glad to hear things are going better for you now. Also understand how the styles of two or three years ago just don't feel right anymore. I like where you're going and am learning from the responses you've gotten. Thanks for sharing your journey here.

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