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It's been a rough wardrobe year

em

Over the last 18 months, I gained 15 pounds, all due to the change of life. I haven't gained weight in 20 years, so this took me completely by surprise. And of course I don't know how to shed it. I don't exercise but I move around quite a bit, and eat fairly healthily.

The bottom line is, most of my clothes no longer fit. This is depressing, but not as nearly as depressing as the root cause (aging, without meeting my own personal goals.)

Anyway, I spent the last week pulling things from my closet that I need to let go--like most of my suits (I don't wear them anyway.) But some were the first things I bought when I graduated college. I remember the "big deal" it was to get them...and to wear them. Not sure if I can motivate myself to discard it all by promising myself to buy myself a Chanel suit that fits in lieu of all the ones that don't.

Also tossed the bras that were 20 years old. That felt good. No pain there.

On a quest to divest myself of all the shoes that have accumulated. I have a narrow heel so I bought a bunch of Munros online and if I truly find a pair that is comfy, I will get rid of 5 pairs that aren't.

It's been rough.

Thanks for listening.

21 replies

Latest reply was from bj1111

Anonymous

I'm used to gaining, and losing, that much at the drop of a hat, though the distribution changed now with peri. I used to just replace my wardrobe with every weight change, but I don't anymore. Any change of eating habits or exercize regimen can make pretty drastic body changes- so that's why I stick to clothes that I can wear through it all.

If you have things you really love and will wear again, you can put them in a holding zone, cause you may be able to fit them again. It sounds like the closet edit was long due though, especially the 20 year old bras!

I can definitely relate to aging and not meeting goals, but it's ok to change the goalposts at any time or set different priorities at different times of life.

I hope I don't come across as blase! I'm very comfortable with change, though of couse it's much easier when the change is by choice instead of necessity.

Dee

Veteran

Ageing and changing bodies are a real challenge. I too, had never had any real weight issues until last year, when my waistline blew up (likely due to being post menopausal) and most of my pants would no longer fit me. I was initially pretty upset by it all but I decided to take this as an opportunity to try some new pant silhouettes that were a bit wider and looser on the body. I also added some slightly looser fitting tops and kind of rebranded what my new style aesthetic would be going forward.

Its hard to let go of sentimental items that you no longer wear but perhaps its a opportunity to finally let some things go and discover and honour who you are at this stage of life.

Jules

Veteran

That’s a big change to deal with for sure. I’m at my biggest in this stage of perimenopause but my weight has always fluctuated. And over the last 20 years the overall trend of that fluctuation as definitely been upwards! So, I have been through the closet clean out a few times and understand how certain pieces may represent memories of a time of life, experiences or emotions that you don’t want to ‘purge’ along with the clothes. I allow myself a small collection of sentimental clothing which will never fit again (for example I was only a size 8 for about 6 months in my 20s and I’m now a 16 so I have no illusions about this) and have not regretted it. Maybe there is a particular suit that really resonates and you can decide to hold on to it a while longer? And still get the new suit, which you deserve regardless.

Helena

Veteran

Em, I feel this, having just been declared officially menopausal this fall. I have gained close to 10 pounds and it all appears to be around my waist *facepalm* ... I did get rid of several items that all of a sudden didn't fit or work at all and that was painful. For me, accepting that this is probably my new weight and shape and changing my clothing size expectation, silhouette etc accordingly has been helpful. I'm doing what I can to stay healthy but I don't want to go down the toxic rabbit hole of trying to change my body back to what it was.

In any case, all that to say you are not alone! Well done letting go of some last things and embracing some future things. There is no time limit so take it slow in getting rid of what no longer works. Middle age crisis is real and I think we need to give ourselves tons of grace during this time! Xoxo

kkards

Veteran

Em it’s hard to let go. I get it. My 60th birthday present to myself was a professional closet make over, which working with the organizer saw me eliminate 25% of my wardrobe. But one of the things that really helped me was setting up space for sentimental items, so maybe take of your 1st suits and hang to it, and let the rest go, after all they served you well.

Aquamarine

Veteran

The struggle is real, and maybe the opportunity to build a wardrobe that deals with fluctuations better (Eileen Fisher works for me).

I gained maybe 15 pounds in 2020, lost some of that in 2021, then gained more in 2022/2023 due to stressors in my life.

THEN I developed a health issue in late 2023 and I am now down 25 pounds and still losing. Also not good. (I am having surgery to address the health issue in the next month or so.)

Basically, change is the name of the game post-menopause and I am trying not to buy much of anything that’s not extremely flexible at different weights—if possible.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

Oh Em I really feel for you too. It happened to me too at that stage ( my menopause was a bit earlier than many, about age 46/47) and I had never had a weight gain really before. It’s hard getting rid of beloved clothes. I kept a few sentimental ones. Even losing quite a lot again about 12 years later didn’t mean I could fit clothes from my 20s.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Em, this sounds rough. The challenges of perimenopause and menopausal weight changes are real. I definitely gained in perimenopause and felt awfully uncomfortable with that. In my case, it was due in part to not moving as much. I had never been an exerciser but I had been quite active and for some reason or another that had changed. I had also started eating more -- adding second portions for emotional reasons -- because I was going through some difficult family situations at the time.

Anyway, when I became fully aware of all this, I decided I needed to make a shift and I joined an exercise program and (without dieting) changed some eating habits (portion size, mainly, and added more protein). I lost a fair bit of weight and have mostly kept it off, post- menopause. But this is consistent with patterns within my own family so I don't say it is the kind of thing that happens (or should happen) for everyone. Typically, our bodies change shape and/or size as we age and that is okay! And you deserve to look great in the body you have today. And every day.

That doesn't solve your wardrobe woes, though. It does sound as if many things in your life may have changed in addition to the change of life. A change of work situation, different needs. It can be hard to let older beloved items go, but maybe when you get started on wardrobe rebuilding you will begin to enjoy it! We can help here! Angie has some great advice for starting from scratch: Begin with basics (bras, undies), a new haircut, specs (if you wear them). And then you will find so many great thoughts from past blog posts: https://youlookfab.com/categor.....-planning/

em

Suz, what kind of exercise program, and how did you find one that suited you?

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I don't mind a body that changes, but I do mind ... not even trying. Plus, the extra weight has brought on a rise in cholesterol, and my doctor is threatening medicine. Which I want to avoid.

Cardiff girl

Veteran

Same!I know those who have struggled with their weight over a lifetime will have zero sympathy but l do think it’s hard in a different way to have been one size all your adult life then suddenly be another and have to ditch all one’s favourite clothes especially when the menopausal weight gain is not like weight gain inyounger life.it’s distributed differently thus making it not as simple as just going up a size.The menopause fairy has very helpfully left me between sizes.Yay!Theres nothing like an elasticated waistband is there!

I tried explaining how bad this had made me feel to the DH but zero comprehension.But then he’s never going to go through it is he and if he can’t get into his clothes he always assumes that they have shrunk in the wash ,

Anyway it took me a while to move on and l still have things in my holding zone should l miraculously fit them one day but l am only giving it so much time before l let them go.l have got rid of anything that was border line tight before the big M as there is probably no way l will get back into these and no point making one’s self miserable.l am not trying to lose weight but focusing on health and seeing where l end up a year from now.Until then l am wearing what still fits and making a small number of purchases .l am slowly selling my better stuff on vinted and seeing the money has helped alittle.

I hope l haven’t overshared but l wanted you to know that l empathise with you and the struggles of mid life.It does get easier but a period of mourning for one’s old self is entirely normal l feel.

em

Cardiff, YES! That's it! I am in mourning! Mourning for the person I was, the person I will never be, the dreams that won't be realized, and the money I will never get back.

I poured myself a shot of whiskey before I typed this. It was awful to put it into words.

Sal

Veteran

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I think mourning is part of the process and probably what is good to do to move on. There can be a realisation in your mid life of regrets and opportunities passed by. I have had these too as well as some other peri menopausal symptoms.

Focussing on movement and food for nourishment helps me.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Mourning is perfectly appropriate and very understandable.

So, keep in mind this was all a while ago. 2010. I joined an online program called Precision Nutrition and did what was then a 6 month program to change eating habits and begin exercising. (I ended up working for the company for several years and then as a free lancer but that's another story. I don't work for them any more.)

In my case, I actually ate very well already but as I mentioned, I'd started eating too many second portions etc. So I made a few adjustments to diet, esp. during the 6 month program, but in my case, not a lot. If you are not used to cooking from scratch or if you eat out a lot, you might find it difficult because it's not a diet but you are encouraged to eat whole, less processed foods.

For me, the maiin challenge was finding forms of exercise I truly enjoy and building them into my day to the point where they are routine and simply how I live. I had always been a walker, so I stepped up my walking (ha!). And I started lifting weights. The 6 month program was almost daily and was quite challenging for me (to say the least). I now do a weights class (a less challenging one) a couple of times a week. I also hike, and I bike.

At the start, my energy was so low that I thought I would never find a type of exercise to enjoy, but now I can't bear it if I am inactive for an entire day. I build activity into my routine (bike or walk to groceries or work or appointments; hike with friends; walk on my own or with Mr. Suz; join a class for the weights...).

The weight (a little over 30 pounds) came off over a period of 6 months or so. I gained back about 10 pounds at one point (again, a very stressful family period ) but then I lost most of that without any conscious decision to do so -- apparently stress plays a big role, for me, at least. I wear the same size clothing as when I finished the program, even if I weigh a few more pounds. (I don't actually know because I don't own a scale.)

Jenni NZ

Veteran

Yes the mourning is definitely part of this time. I agree.
With the few sentimental things I have kept from my 20s that I no longer fit, they were all associated with important events or milestones. The qualification ball cream silk dress. The dress that I got that same year for my favourite cousin’s 21st (I was 23) and Mum said this is really a more grown-up dress because you’re a young woman now, not a girl. I graduated in that dress the following year. My wedding dress (age 25) and the Austrian long striped skirt from our European trip in 1988. It’s not that many things and they still make me happy if I look at the sentimental/holding zone shelf.
So keep one or two of those early suits and mourn the young woman you once were but feel happiness too.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

em, I can't top the words of wisdom on your thread, and am touched by the kindness and empathy that has been expressed. Offering my sympathy and support nonetheless.

Keep some of the suits that are extra special for sentimental reasons, and pass on the rest.

GLAD those 20 year old bras are gone

I echo every word, Sal wrote. It's natural to look back on life when we are middle aged and have regrets, identify missed opportunities, and feel like we haven't accomplished what we set out to do. Aging is not easy. The way I see it, I can't focus on what I don't have, or didn't do. If I did, I would never be happy and find peace in my heart. I have to focus on what I have and what I CAN do. For me, that is the only way forward.

FWIW, I have many clients who are going, or have gone through the same thing. It's not unfamiliar. They start again. You can start again too, em! New Year. New Body. New Clothes. Movement. You are fabulous RIGHT NOW.

Start a new thread on how to put together an action plan to rebuild your wardrobe and we will chime in to help.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

You started a beautiful and heartening thread em. I am a fluctuater, sometimes daily, so keep a range of sizes within reach. But I like the idea of a fresh start as a positive and fun goal, to balance the feeling of mourning and regret. We renew and change and might as well celebrate it.

Bijou

Veteran

‘Em, thank you for articulating what those of us who are middle aged feel from time to time. Great advice has been given and I am taking notes. I just chimed in to say, you are not alone in these feelings. Wishing you good health and happiness in 2024.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

One of the other non-wardrobe thoughts em with regard to regrets is to try to stop comparing too much with peers of the same age. I’ve never forgotten being 51 years old in 2012 and having some counselling sessions with a psychologist- really excellent- and I was moaning in some way about not accomplishing enough. And I said well look, I’m the exact same age as John Key (our very popular Prime Minister at the time) and Barack Obama! And she said sure, but look at who you’re comparing yourself to! We both laughed and I realised my competitive tendencies had become over-the-top!

em

UPDATE: thank you all for the support. I have made the following progress. The box is full of shoes, maybe 8 pairs. They were mostly in boxes, that's why they take up the whole box. This pile represents about 2/3 of what needs to go. I stopped because the final lap was getting stressful and I got tired. Now I need to sort it all and figure out what goes to family, what goes to the rag bin, and what get donated (and where.)

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Jenni NZ

Veteran

That’s great progress em, it definitely can get tiring so chunks of time are good. I gave a pair of boots with too high a heel for me now but only 16 wears to a specific nice thrift store where I had bought a couple of things. They seemed a bit too nice for just the “clothing bin”.

bj1111

Veteran

I love this thread

Thank you to all you lovely generous open hearted women

And to em for starting this thread